Domestic abuse concerning children

[Worrie54321]

Need some advice on what to do.

My partner and I have 2 children aged 1 and 3. He is fine with me but I am increasingly aware that he is not fine with the children - there are increasing numbers of incidents and initially I thought I could protect the children but I realise I can't. I have spoken to him and challenge him every time he does something and he will improve for a while but then get worse again. I am worried if I leave him he will get 50 50 or even some sole charge which currently I try to never leave him with them for more than an hour or so.

1. I want to know, is what he does bad enough to count as abuse
2. Is it bad enough that if we split he won't get sole charge of the children
3. Will I be believed

He has hit them on occasion (not hard enough to make a mark)
He shouts very aggressively at them
He pushes them
He swears at them
He mocks and belittles them, calls them names
He won't comfort them if they're upset or hurt
He will grab them and squeeze or tickle them which seems like a game but they end up crying and genuinely upset more often than not.

He can be great at times but mostly he isn't to be honest. He never does bedtime, never gets up at night (well he has the odd time but after hearing him shout "why are you fucking crying" I don't ask him any more).

I think he'd hit them more if I wasn't there to stop him.

I am walking in eggshells all the time hoping one of them won't upset him.

Can anyone advise on points 1-3 above?

On your account above I'd say yes it's abuse. Yes you should (and will) be believed and no he won't get 100% charge; that's a tall order either way.

Professional advice needed but there's plenty of ways into that through voluntary and charitable entry points.

Even if it's just to open up a conversation about parenting styles (what were those in his childhood?) you must do something.

Take your children and leave, or tell him to leave. You are their parents and he is physically and emotionally abusing your children. If you know this is happening and not acting, you can lose them too.
Protect your children, record what has happens and get legal help if you'd think he will want contact now or in the future.

He's hitting 1 and 3 yr olds and you wonder if it's abusive?
Ffs, leave him today before he kills them.

Have been trying to call the domestic abuse helpline but they never answer the phone.

His dad is just like him so although he hasn't said anything I think it's clear where it's come from.

I have had many conversations about parenting styles. He has his own issues due to poor parenting and I always felt sympathy but can't make excuses any longer.

My point is that I am more than happy to leave, (I have been stupid to think that because he's great some of the time , it's just that he's a bit short tempered etc - now I am realising fully that I can't stop him and he's getting worse) I am just worried that he would end up with them on his own some of the time.

He thinks I'm too soft and if he disciplines them more they won't cry etc

A discussion won’t do anything.
can’t believe your letting him do this to be honest.
im more mad you’ve stayed and let him treat your babies like this.
i wouldn’t give leaving him a second thought

So your asking if you’ll get full custody
most likely yeS
why haven’t you kicked this asshole out yet?
please leave him tomorrow

Most of us over a certain age were smacked occasionally as children...not ideal but not illegal in England. He's not hit them hard enough to leave a mark. I just don't know if that would be considered bad enough to prevent unsupervised contact. The emotional abuse stuff is extremely damaging but it seems a bit wishy-washy written down.

Can I ask what your background is that you know that?

Record him every time to build up evidence

He is hitting a one year old baby?

There's no need to be nasty. I think you just want to kick someone who is struggling. Go back to aibu unless you are going to be helpful. I already feel bad enough as it is.

Have been trying to call the domestic abuse helpline but they never answer the phone.

Call the police.

He calls it a tap

Is it a tap? and what about the 3 year old?

It's not hard enough to leave a mark. He's only done it a few times. He has done it to both, maybe 6 times in total over the last 18 months. Pushing has been more frequent. Or pushing them with his foot

if you separate and say no contact, then he could apply to court for contact. He will deny everything you say he has done. Without any corroborating evidence, you may struggle to prevent contact arrangements being made. So you need to think what will help get you evidence. It doesn’t sound like domestic abuse from what you say. You can call social services and they may do an assessment, which would help. Speak to nursery about your concerns (if you have one). Record him shouting/swearing. See if he’ll message you admitting anything. And chuck him out.

Protect your children and leave this man. Now.

He's a bully, and a shit parent. Leave.

It won't get better, it will get worse.

It is really common for women to stay with men because they think they can better protect their very young children that way :( unfortunately courts will sometimes order contact albeit supervised which is rightly alarming, but much less alarming than unfettered sole care overnights.

OP you need professional help from a domestic abuse charity. It doesn’t matter that you yourself are not being abused (although I wonder if you actually are but you have explained it away to yourself). They will help you gather evidence and document stuff. Your kids are still very young so you absolutely need to take action to protect them, and yourself. You sound smart and clued up so I hope you will find the help you need.

Op, this is extremely concerning. Please don't minimize his actions.

Get out immediately.

Omg OP he is hitting your babies and you need to come on here and ask if he is abusive?

The fact you have not left him already is a concern to me. Posters are not being nasty they are trying to help you. Move out away from him, because if you don't, you are not protecting your children, SS will

As others have said- yes it's abuse.

And the fact you are questioning it makes me concerned you are also being abused or controlled and perhaps don't realise.

Some people are being very tough on you, but it is because the situation you find yourself in is not ok and you must act now to stop it, because you must protect your children. I say that with much empathy and care for you, not judgement. As with a lot of abuse it can often slowly escalate and therefore it can be hard to recognise. Especially if he is manipulating you.

Please get help asap.

Make an emergency appointment with your gp, stay with family or friends, ensure you have passports/birth certificates etc safe and where he can't access them.

Ask for real life help, tell people why is happening so they can support you.

You can do this and you must. You cannot wait for it for get worse. Be strong - for your babies x

First of all stop minimising his behaviour “ he’s only done it a few times” he shouldn’t be doing it AT ALL!!

its abuse and you just think he’ll wake up one day and stop. These are partially the most important years of those babies lives and you are encouraging them to be subjected to this awful horrendous behaviour by someone they should trust feel safe with and love no end!!

I can’t believe what I’ve just read. You take them and you fight and also build evidence up against him. You cannot let him do this to your babies he is ruining them!

I could go on!! You are not putting fbem first by staying you’re putting him and your self first and what happens when your 3 year old tells someone at nursery or something you’ll have childrens services all over you. Womens aid, childrens services will all support you if you do the right thing and protect and safe guard your child anyway.

if you don’t you could loose them yourself.

as a parent myself I wish I’d not read this before I go to bed. Your babies need protecting

This will destroy your children
Their confidence, self esteem, behaviour
They are young enough for things to be different, for them to feel safe

They will grow up to be like him or to marry someone like him

They will grow up hating themselves and not knowing why

They will think violence and aggression and belittling is the norm

This is trauma being inflicted on your babies

Leave and leave now.

Gosh OP, I think you’re right to be worried.
I agree with everyone that he’s abusive. The problem is, I don’t know it he’s abusive enough to be denied unsupervised contact if you leave. It’s very easy for people on mumsnet to write ´get out now’ and much harder for you to actually figure out the safest course of action for your children. I think getting some outside help would be good. A call to somewhere like women’s aid might be a good first step. He really needs a parenting course of some kind. He’s not listening to you, so it needs to come from someone else. His way of parenting is ineffective and damaging to his kids wellbeing and to his relationship with them.
One thing to consider carefully is how safe you feel around him once you start getting outside help involved. If you report him to social services how will he react? If you think he’s likely to lash out at you then you may need to leave and deny contact until court ordered. It all hinges on authorities agreeing with your assessment that his parenting crosses the line from shit but not illegal into abusive and needing forced intervention. That bar is set very high (or low, depending on which way you’re looking at it).