Domestic abuse concerning children

[Worrie54321]

Need some advice on what to do.

My partner and I have 2 children aged 1 and 3. He is fine with me but I am increasingly aware that he is not fine with the children - there are increasing numbers of incidents and initially I thought I could protect the children but I realise I can't. I have spoken to him and challenge him every time he does something and he will improve for a while but then get worse again. I am worried if I leave him he will get 50 50 or even some sole charge which currently I try to never leave him with them for more than an hour or so.

1. I want to know, is what he does bad enough to count as abuse
2. Is it bad enough that if we split he won't get sole charge of the children
3. Will I be believed

He has hit them on occasion (not hard enough to make a mark)
He shouts very aggressively at them
He pushes them
He swears at them
He mocks and belittles them, calls them names
He won't comfort them if they're upset or hurt
He will grab them and squeeze or tickle them which seems like a game but they end up crying and genuinely upset more often than not.

He can be great at times but mostly he isn't to be honest. He never does bedtime, never gets up at night (well he has the odd time but after hearing him shout "why are you fucking crying" I don't ask him any more).

I think he'd hit them more if I wasn't there to stop him.

I am walking in eggshells all the time hoping one of them won't upset him.

Can anyone advise on points 1-3 above?

Be very careful recording. It's not illegal in your own home but I was criticised for recording. The view was that I should be 'doing' not observing. Yet the irony was that they minimised it and he got away with it.

Unless not getting 50:50 is the judge's way of not letting him get away with it.

Just be careful to record AND act, or social services may say you've neglected their safety. You're damnedwhatever you do sometimes.

Record him
Any children’s health professional will act on footage showing a one and a three year old being struck by their father. This is child abuse.

the sad truth is you will need to build a case against this piece of excrement and distance yourself from this appalling behaviour. And quickly.

call Social Services and explain as you have here what he’s doing. How often and when. Share your worries and show them what he’s doing when you have this evidence. As long as you are being seen to protect your children they will support you.

Does anyone realise how difficult it is to get through on these helplines. No one ever answers the phone you just get a recorded message telling you to send an email. I don't think the police will be interested there has been no crime committed. I don't have much faith in the police anyway based on previous experience. Just wanted some professional advice. Getting a GP appointment involves 45 minutes on hold. My partner is at home so it's not so easy to keep on making these phone calls . Where are you actually supposed to turn?

As for recording him that is not going to happen either. I don't know when he's going to do it. By the time I have my phone out it's happened. I am not going to goad him into doing something just so it can be recorded

Myself and a fair few others have been in your shoes sadly I suspect.

what has happened with the police previously to make you write that? Is it also concerning your husband?

You can arrange a free half hour consultation with a solicitor who specialises in domestic / child abuse. That can be done online. Can you not leave the house to go for an appointment: does he wfh or is he always there?
Also you can look up a local domestic abuse support organisation. A referral to them from social services would possibly assist with Legal Aid.

Yes that was my experience in the past- it can take hours to get through and very difficult if you're in the same space as the abuser living there

Children's services will answer much faster

You can request a referral to early intervention via any nursery or school (not quite social services- that's how we got a family support worker in the past who was able to refer us to various things and I think might have been who helped me actually get support in a DV situation linked in with a DV worker

Children's centres staff can be incredibly helpful and are great at signposting usually- they will pick up the phone pretty quickly and might be worth phoning and asking what you do when you can't get through

The NHS app is decent for booking appointments also

I can't get through to my surgery usually but using that or e-consult can get things moving faster

Use the NHS app or email GP surgery, say you've tried phoning but can't get through and need an appointment. Tell them you're concerned for your children's safeguarding.

Or Health Visitor or Children's Centre.

Abuse is abuse. Be your children's voice and advocate for their safety and well being!

This is abuse. Know your rights and contact a solicitor. Keep a journal of abuse, record (though not sure if this is admissible evidence) and make a police report. Build your case and get your kids out

Stop faffing with helplines and leave asap with your kids, if it means with the clothes on your back so be it. Plenty of women have had to start from scratch.

The OP isn't faffing around, she's right to tread cautiously. At the money her DC are with her all the time and that feels safer than 50% of the time alone with their Dad.

I’ve been there and done that, and FULLY get it.

The Dad hasn't committed a crime. They will cal it over-chastisement and a parenting choice. Hitting is not illegal unless you leave a mark and he doesn't make them. He calls it 'tapping', which interestingly so did my ex.

Police did nothing. The courts did nothing. Social services did nothing. Apparently it would be different if there were bruises or broken bones.

That is not to say the OP should do nothing because i regret being as reticent as I was and I think she will too. But faced with leaving your children with an abusive person who just stays the right side of the law (just), staying feels the safest option for the children.

I managed to tread water until the DC age was just about old enough to have a voice but even then it was a really horrendous journey of court case after court case and social children care services involved but excusing the father and turning a blind eye. They said they had concerns but they didn't act on it which I felt was serious neglect. I could see why children end up slipping through the net if it has such glaringly obvious holes in it. I'd have to be a social worker and k don't know how they do their job, but I also know they agree with you to your face then criticise you on their reports. Mums get bad press. Dads are favoured because it's fashionable. All they have to do is cry parental alienation and everyone is jumping to their bidding. It's truly awful.

As with domestic abuse services: they are great but even they have limitations. They assured me that with my ex's abuse he would not be granted access but he was. Admittedly it wasn't as much as he wanted, which was Half, but he got more than domestic abuse people said he would. Ultimately I guess it's not up to them, though I wish it was.

I just can’t fathom why people think they can stay with someone who does this and try to justify abuse?
I see it in the news constantly about one parent murdering a child and the other getting away with it because they didn’t directly murder the child but watched it happen.
This needs to be a wake up call to protect them OP.
i am not being nasty but it is imperative that you do something. There are womens refuges; police etc
Youre justifying this behaviour
I’m normally super understanding but I think your making excuses to reason with why he’s doing this

Go to your GP in person, you can ask to speak to the receptionist in private if they say they have no appointments on the day and only do same day appointments. She will get you fitted in

So it is better to leave and find to everyone's horror he gets 50:50 and they are with him unaccompanied?

At least now there's another adult present. That's a protective measure of sorts.

Seriously op the next time he lifts a hand or foot to your dc you go lock yourselves in the bathroom and dial 999.. All the better if he gets into an agitated state in the time it takes for them to arrive.
Or don't.. And one day watch the police arrest him whilst your babies are carried out in body bags. It isn't just step dad's that abuse and murder babies... Face it op. Before it's too late. Sorry to be harsh. But not sorry to say it.

Or imagine another scenario.. One dc suffers an accident. In A&3 old injuries are found. He tells them you knew he hit them. Your face will give away he is actually telling the truth. Neither of you will keep those dc then. You stay, you fail them op. Fail them.

Hi op. Try to just edit out the people who have not been in this situation. Evidence is the key thing. Get a voice recorder on your phone and you can record events. It doesn't have to be video. I know you said it happens v quickly, but even catching the end bit of it keep a diary and write down the exact words he uses if you can remember. It's extremely difficult to get through on all the phone lines. My GP referred me directly to domestic abuse services and they called me. (Within a week or two). DA services (which can be a bit hit and miss) can get you a session of free legal advice as well, which you will need. It sounds like you are doing such a great job of keeping your children as safe as you can in a very difficult situation and you're looking at the bigger picture.

You can also call nspcc, but I would recommend making the first call anonymously, as they will most likely be forced to make a safeguarding referral to social services once they have your contact information. You can explain that you would like advice anonymously first. My ex had failed class a drug tests and still got 50/50 of my 5 year old. You are right to be working out how to leave safely.

The diary will help build up a picture of the pattern of his behaviour towards your children. I know the diary still falls into he said, she said, but it is unlikely you will be able to get witnesses - which would be the best evidence.

I got through on legal helpline by calling on repeat from 8.59am when helpline opened at 9am.

Royal Courts of Justice (Flows) has different numbers for different things
FLOWS for domestic abuse 0203 745 7707 https://www.flows.org.uk
https://www.facebook.com/FindingLegalOptionsForWomenSurvivors/
[email protected]
Family 020 3745 8291 9.30am to 1pm and 2pm to 4pm. But no point calling them, you just need to fill out the online form and they'll call you back with a 30 min appointment. https://www.rcjadvice.org.uk/family/
Civil number for RCJ 02034754373

helpline https://rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/ this link for the different phone numbers

Child law advice
https://childlawadvice.org.uk/
We provide specialist advice and information on child, family and education law to parents, carers and young people in England.

The crime is child abuse.

Next time he does it, you need to record it, in fact I'd be inclined to get nanny cams...... Legally or not, the police have to take action on footage.

I recently went from 2021 until 2023 with domestic and child abuse living next door to my old property ..

I can honestly say it gets worse as the girl who I lived next too started with 2 children and by the time I had left she had another 2 by him ... now she has 0 as they've been taken away.

I had to sit down with housing officers , social services to try and put a stop to it .. recordings weren't enough foe them and there was talk of them getting recording equipment installed in our properties to catch the scum bag in the act..

The day of them moving in there was domestic abuse that same evening and when the police had been called he had been "banging a washing machine in" the amount of times the police bad been called and she had fallen down the stairs, blinds down all the time , always together, no friends you can really spot the abuse a mile off ..

Please please be careful and you put your babies first and think of them at the abuse they are receiving.. emotional abuse will end up with them having behavior problems which will then make him worse with the kids..