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Original poster

Matriarch funeral and family feud

59 replies

KajsaKavat · 10/06/2023 03:04

So I married into this family and divorced over 10 years ago.
the mum has held onto so much hate and bitterness for so long usually taking her sons side not her daughters.
All 3 have had their problems with addiction.
last year there was an assault by the son on the daughter (the son lived with the mum and the daughter independently with her children) and prison and now both parties have non molestation orders or whatever equivalent against each other.

The mum died this week. The son laughingly told me it was in the mums will that the daughter could not attend the funeral. I pleaded with him to bury all the bitterness now and not let it seep into the third generation… but with no luck.
he also doesn’t want me and our teens to attend the funeral but I know my children want to say their official goodbye to their grandma and I think the daughter and her teens deserve this also.

I do know that funerals are public and no one can be banned without a reason but also realise the circumstances are tricky.

please if anyone has any advise or guidance navigating this as I can see how this can make things much worse. Neither the son nor the daughter inherits, just their children but I fear the executor may be on the sons side if it was predetermined by the mum.

i may ask for this thread to be deleted as it’s very outing

OP posts:
DreamTheMoors · 10/06/2023 03:20

Is the son your EH?
Will he make a scene if you attend?
How old are your children?
If you attend, I’d sit quietly near the back and not say much of anything.
If the son makes a fuss, quietly leave - don’t let him goad you into a quarrel. Don’t let your children quarrel either.
And don’t get into the middle of this fight between brother and sister. MYOB.

My condolences for your loss.

Original poster
KajsaKavat · 10/06/2023 03:29

DreamTheMoors · 10/06/2023 03:20

Is the son your EH?
Will he make a scene if you attend?
How old are your children?
If you attend, I’d sit quietly near the back and not say much of anything.
If the son makes a fuss, quietly leave - don’t let him goad you into a quarrel. Don’t let your children quarrel either.
And don’t get into the middle of this fight between brother and sister. MYOB.

My condolences for your loss.

No he would not cause a scene about my presence and I would sit near the front, she was my MIL and I’ve known here 25 years.
If I hadn’t stepped in the daughter wouldn’t have had a chance to see the mum before she died as the son told everyone to not tell her.
I have to get in the middle when it’s so wrong

OP posts:
DreamTheMoors · 10/06/2023 03:37

Okay.
My apologies for offering advice.

Original poster
KajsaKavat · 10/06/2023 03:41

W when j say this can make things much worse I mean ultimately for the third generation , not for myself.

I think you misunderstood me entirely and your advise was not helpful

OP posts:
BruceAndNosh · 10/06/2023 03:48

Does the non mol order restrict either son or daughter from being in the vicinity of the other?

greenspaces4peace · 10/06/2023 03:51

are private viewings a possibility?

user1492757084 · 10/06/2023 04:27

At the very least, you should facilitate the grand children to attend the funeral.
Seek legal advice on restrictions of the daughter.

If she can attend she might need a guardian to help her stay clear of any abuse. You would be aiming for a totally civilised funeral, especially for the grand children and to preserve their memory of their grandmother..

Puzzledanddissatisfied · 10/06/2023 07:17

KajsaKavat · 10/06/2023 03:41

W when j say this can make things much worse I mean ultimately for the third generation , not for myself.

I think you misunderstood me entirely and your advise was not helpful

What a rude response to someone just trying to help. You’ll be lucky to get very much more advice after this.

Justcallmebebes · 10/06/2023 08:01

Puzzledanddissatisfied · 10/06/2023 07:17

What a rude response to someone just trying to help. You’ll be lucky to get very much more advice after this.

Show quote history

I thought that too

HappyHolidai · 10/06/2023 08:03

Wow there are some nasty people who got out of bed the wrong side this morning!

The OP is stressed and wasn't rude. I hope no one judges you so harshly when you're in a difficult situation and reach out for help.

PinkFootstool · 10/06/2023 08:15

Actually I agree with PP. This isn't your mum. You're no longer married into that family. Keep out of it, keep away from the poisonous ex-BIL. Keep your kids away from him as well. By all means support your ex-SIL, but why is it up to you to facilitate these things? This isn't your fight.

If SIL has a non mol against her brother, and he against her, they are still valid for the funeral. They can't just ignore them with no consequences, especially if there's a power of arrest written into them.

If MIL has actually written it into her will that just daughter isn't to go to the wedding, maybe respect those wishes and avoid the obvious dreams that is to follow.

The funeral directors will be able to confirm if there's a video feed available to be watched.

I certainly wouldn't be taking your children to that funeral, why expose them to this batshit family when you know the BIL is violent and aggressive and gleeful about causing problems over the funeral? It's likely to be a disaster.

Say your goodbyes in a different way.

Lizzt2007 · 10/06/2023 08:18

HappyHolidai · 10/06/2023 08:03

Wow there are some nasty people who got out of bed the wrong side this morning!

The OP is stressed and wasn't rude. I hope no one judges you so harshly when you're in a difficult situation and reach out for help.

The op was very rude to someone that offered perfectly good advice based on what op had written. Stress doesn't give anyone the right to be snotty when someone was trying to help.

GloriousD · 10/06/2023 08:38

Is your xH still around?

If so why isn’t he managing what is best for his own DC, his sister and his mothers funeral?

Why do you have to step into their family feud ahead of him?

NowZeusHasLainWithLeda · 10/06/2023 08:48

In the politest way possible.
Not your circus, not your monkeys.

You have been told by the woman's son, your ex, that you are not to go. You don't go. You do not cause more trouble in a family that already sounds ridden with it. Regarding your children, if their father doesn't want them there, from what you've said, maybe it's for their own good. Were they close to their grandmother? If they want to pay their respects, they need to talk to their father.

Not sure why this is in legal. It's common sense. You're the son's ex wife and you aren't welcome. Whatever the rights or wrongs, or your relationship with your ex mother in law, the fact of the matter is that.

NowZeusHasLainWithLeda · 10/06/2023 08:50

Just realised the "son" isn't the ex
He still (violent batshittery aside) has told the OP not to go. So she shouldn't.

Valour · 10/06/2023 08:56

She was no longer your MIL. You have been told not to go, and you should respect the family's wishes. The fact that you say you'd sit in the front is an indication that you're spoiling for a fight.

Landlubber2019 · 10/06/2023 09:01

Keep away, nothing good will come from attending.

Say your goodbyes privately with your children

2chocolateoranges · 10/06/2023 09:03

Valour · 10/06/2023 08:56

She was no longer your MIL. You have been told not to go, and you should respect the family's wishes. The fact that you say you'd sit in the front is an indication that you're spoiling for a fight.

you sound like my ex sil. Entitled!
told not to go to the funeral of my grandma , told she wasn’t welcome as she had caused so much trouble in the family but still turned up, she did sit at the back though and left as soon as service was over but still rude when she had been told she wasn’t welcome!

BruceAndNosh · 10/06/2023 09:05

NowZeusHasLainWithLeda · 10/06/2023 08:50

Just realised the "son" isn't the ex
He still (violent batshittery aside) has told the OP not to go. So she shouldn't.

I read it that the deceased woman (who funeral is mentioned) had one son and one daughter and the OP was married to the son, but it's not very clear

Maddy70 · 10/06/2023 09:07

You divorced out of this family. Keep out of it. It really has nothing to do with you now

HomeB · 10/06/2023 09:08

"I will sit at the front, she was my MIL"

Ffs, WAS being the operative word. Past tense. It's none of your business, you see yourself as some kind of "family saviour" but it's just causing more problems by the sound of it. Very rude response to the pp who was right fwiw

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 10/06/2023 09:22

I think your dc should be going with their father to this funeral.

Priority is given to family and friends. You no longer fall in that category (unless you remained close after divorce). If you want to pay your respects then sit at the back. Leave at the first sign of trouble.

Stay out of everything else. It all sounds like a lot of drama.

Aslanplustwo · 10/06/2023 09:22

Valour · 10/06/2023 08:56

She was no longer your MIL. You have been told not to go, and you should respect the family's wishes. The fact that you say you'd sit in the front is an indication that you're spoiling for a fight.

I agree. You wanting to attend the funeral is one thing, sitting in the front is another, and not something you should even think of doing unless invited to. She might have been your MIL once, but she no longer is. I think you need to take a big step back, these people are no longer your family, let them sort out their own problems. You sound rather overbearing.

MaudGonneOutForChips · 10/06/2023 09:24

I would steer clear of all the drama. Let your ex husband and your teenagers have a conversation about them attending their grandmother’s funeral or alternative modes of saying goodbye, if not. You would do best to avoid asserting yourself with regards to attending the funeral or casting yourself as family saviour. They sound like an extraordinarily dysfunctional bunch.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 10/06/2023 09:25

I've re read the OP. I don't think you should go at all.

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