Coercive control. Police or lawyers?

[Zinus]

My ex is a study of coercive control and given the change in the law, post separation behaviour is now also a crime under SCA 2015

i have some evidence, and his behaviour continues - do I go to the police directly or do I instruct a solicitor specialising in this?

I just want him to stop.

Then he wouldn’t have them and I wouldn’t get a break and the kids would all kick off at me. It
would mean i literally couldn’t go anywhere or book anything

Welcome to the world of single parenting!

My dc's father never met them. I never had a break from day one.

Never had a penny of CMS.

Millions of us are in the same boat.

If you want a break you need to find another babysitter.

There is absolutely nothing in law that will force a man to stick to agreed Contact arrangements.

If you dont believe me read the many threads on this on here.

I realise there are posters on this thread who don’t believe this is abuse, or coercion - that it’s not that bad and why did I stay, and why didn’t I just shrug it off
I don't think that's the case. This thread is not about debating how badly you've been treated in the past. You did the right thing, you left him and cut him as much as you could from your life. Well done to you and you should be proud of yourself.

This thread is about now though. You need to take the second step and remove from his control through the kids. You can reduce the hold he still has over you to an absolute minimum.

For a start, don't let it take over you so much. Remind yourself that YOU HAVE MOVED ON and you don't have to be dependent on him any longer.

Do the strict minimum you have to do to allow your children a relationship with him, nothing more. If he is going to play bugger, make it his problem. If it means you don have a break from your kids, accept it. The stress from having them more will ultimately be much less than the stress triggered by the feeling he is still controlling you, and with time, as the kids get older, it will get easier and easier.

Just read thread. Really odd you wanting to force a man to see your children more when you say he was very abusive to you so that you get some time to yourself 😐

Ah. Well there we have it. It really is the only way I get any sort of a break whatsoever, I have no other support. And if I thought he was in any way a danger to them they wouldn’t go.

Single mums don’t deserve a break though, we just have to get on with it, apparently.

The other stuff includes deliberately sabotaging my life, and placing our children at risk, to be degree that he tries to get me to stay in even when he has them, and if I go out he drops them off unsupervised
🤔 seems your worried about it in this post

I’m a single and I wouldn’t want the man you describe within a file mile radius of mychildren

but you want to both report him and for him to have increased time with your children

very fu**ing odd

I’ve complained that he drops them off home without my being here knowing that I’ll rush back.

And it’s about his not messing me about with contact. But if you’d like to run with a narrative of how odd I am for wanting a break, and for that break not to be wrapped up in being manipulated, that’s up to you.

I am just really really really tired.

And it’s about his not messing me about with contact

But your op though is asking whether you should go to the police about his dreadful and ongoing abuse 😐

Im sorry I must be very stupid, I can’t see where you’re going with this.

What my ex husband did whilst we were married, was criminal. Not just a turn of phrase, coercive control is criminal, and I eventually called the police and he was arrested and removed.

Until very recently the exact same behaviour was not considered a crime unless the two parties were living together. As of April 23rd that changed, and THAT is why I posted about the police - his behaviour and the consequences of it to me, are serious and on paper, now criminal. Securing a conviction is a different matter entirely. My ex cares deeply about his reputation which is why I asked the question whether anything could be done.

You seem to have fixated on “why would you want him to spend more time with the kids when he’s such an arse?” That’s a different issue, and I’ve repeated ad infinitum that it isn’t about him having them for more time, it’s about whether he can be persuaded via legal channels, to stop messing me around because his behaviour is now a crime.

Does that make sense to you?

I do want the children to know that I did everything I could that I felt was in their best interest which includes maintaining a relationship with their father, whom they love.

You know he continues to try to destroy you. He will never let up or stop because its easy. You need to call his bluff. If he wont come to pick them up then he doesn't have them. If he drops them off when you are not there then you ring the police and tell them he has left the children unattended and you cannot get back quick enough. He has far too much control and he KNOWS you need him for those couple of days Respite. Take away that control. Bright and breezy " I won't be dropping them off so does that mean you aren't having them? " Act upset that you won't be getting your weekend off, he will be thrilled by this. Unfortunately with abusers like this you need to play the game.
Is it fair? No. Do you deserve a break? Yes. For as long as you need that break though, he will abuse. Keep everything as evidence. Try writing a diary too so you have a written record alongside texts, emails etc. Build a case.
This is so shit for you OP but this is how it is. You need to start boxing clever.

We've discussed this before. I think we agree its abuse but whether his post relationship behaviour reaches the standard of a crime is harder to say (I'd be inclined to say he's clever enough for it not to be, although his earlier behaviour certainly sounds more alarming).

Being arrested wouldn't prove his guilt in any way. If an accusation of abuse is made to the police, the abuser is arrested, whether the allegation is true or not. It's much less risky for the police to believe the victim than the alleged perpetrator in these matters.

One thing I will say is that you would have a hard time being believed by the police or the courts if one of your reasons for abuse is that he brings the children back early. This is why I recommended you keep a diary and try and match his behaviour to the CPS guidelines.

One thing I will say is that you would have a hard time being believed by the police or the courts if one of your reasons for abuse is that he brings the children back early

this

Op I really do feel for you

He sounds utterly spiteful and quite despicable.

I just think that in your op you have muddied the waters by all the examples of how abusive he is and how he also puts your children at risk but at the same time very keen for him to have the children when he’s supposed to. When I think most of us, as would the police be, are a little confused about that contradiction. I’d be jumping for glee when we he said he couldn’t have them for the 2 nights a month!

You keep banging on about your ex being a danger to your kids but you are happy for him to still have contact because you need a break.

This has got to be a wind up.

You have my sympathies op.
I think you have to draw a line under your exh behaviour towards you in the past when you were still married, it's obvious that the authorities are not going to do anything.
I mean this kindly but you're acting like a stuck record, going over and over the past.
You can't change what's happened, you can't get him charged for past behaviour that wasn't classified as a crime when it happened.
For you it shows a pattern of his behaviour but you can't do anything about it so you need to let it go.
You can however do something about his behaviour now.
Is his contact court ordered?
If not, see a solicitor and get the ball rolling, get his contact set out in court, present your evidence that he drops the DC off and leaves them alone to force you to return, he doesn't stick to the agreed plan, expects you unexpectedly to collect 2hrs away or threatens to leave them at a service station etc.
This is not to make him see your DC as you can't make him do anything but it's a start to recording his behaviour.
When your DC kick off about you not driving them you can explain that exh is to collect them as ordered by the court.
Their happiness is important but you don't need to let them make you the bad guy, stand your ground.
As for letting himself into your home, get rid of the keycode or change it and don't tell the DC what it is, if they need it for school (I can't work out how old they are) change it back during the week.
You need to take control, limit his access to you (email only), don't let anyone know your plans, don't buy anything for the DC that you can't afford alone, expect to be a single parent (I was one and I survived, barely!)
Don't cave in to picking or dropping off, if he threatens to leave them at a service station call the police and tell him you've done so.
I read that you don't want to try the grey rock technique but I think it's the only way, he's controlling you because you let him, he knows you're going to cave in, he knows it's making you unhappy, he knows he's affecting your life, he knows that your love for the DC will put pressure on you too.
Take away his power xx

Brace yourself

the op point blank refuses to acknowledge the contradiction

In essence

he is a shit
a shit and abusive ex
a shit and negligent father

And the op recognises this. Wants to report him. Essentially wants the police to ensure he picks up his children and keeps to his word when he says he will have them. Never. Going. To. Happen. And I suspect the police will be as baffled as some of us are on this thread.

yes report him as you certainly have grounds to.

but not because you want him to stick to his word re when he has the kids!

Do you work op? Does the abuse extend to financial?

I really hope you're keeping a diary of his behaviour, OP. The legislation exists because so many men murder their ex wives and partners and/or their children. You've observed that your ex is very spiteful and controlling, and that he uses his time with the children to control you.
It sounds as if you hoped that he might behave like a reasonable person now that you're separated, but this is statistically the most dangerous time for you and the children.
Of course you're tired; it's exhausting. Some posters have been sneery and rude, but they've offered good advice.
Gavin Becker's book "The gift of fear" might be worth a read. One of the things that I remember from reading it decades ago was that he had a sign positioned in his office for clients to see. It said something like " Do not come here for justice", because his service was all about keeping clients alive, safe from their would-be murderers.

Vivainsomnia gives good advice here. My ex is very similar to yours - abusive and controlling several years post divorce. He has messed me around with child contact every single time he has looked after them - which escalated dramatically when I was trying to spend time with a dying parent. He pays nothing and constantly lies to and manipulates the children. My (really helpful and successful) strategy is to just never engage. I just ignore his behaviour and make sure that I have alternative child care in place every single time I need or want to do something child free. I am financially independent and meditate daily to prevent any resentment building up and am always breezy and cheerful to the children about him. hand on heart, I never think about him now - his behaviour hasn't changed but I have and I am completely free of him.