Coercive control. Police or lawyers?

[Zinus]

My ex is a study of coercive control and given the change in the law, post separation behaviour is now also a crime under SCA 2015

i have some evidence, and his behaviour continues - do I go to the police directly or do I instruct a solicitor specialising in this?

I just want him to stop.

Lundy Bancroft has THIS to say:

“Consider compromising on economic issues (but not too much) The financial concessions that abused mothers are sometimes forced to make in order to keep custody of their children can be terribly unfair. Nonetheless, you may decide at times that it’s best to let him get away with it. I recently spoke with a woman who went into court seeking an increase in child support, and her ex-husband retaliated furiously by filing for custody of the children, and 10 months later he won. She had no idea of the risks involved in seeking the additional economic support that her children deserved. If you can trade alimony, assets, or part of your child support for sole legal and physical custody, and maybe even get him to agree to take only limited or supervised visitation, it might be worth it”

And

“A general principle to follow when you have children with an abusive man is that if he is leaving you alone, and not harming your children, avoid doing anything that might rouse him into action against you.”

Indeed he does. What do you think OP?

It’s hideous. I just have to roll over and take it.

Who need a family solicitor and go to family court to get this looked at

OP by maintaining the moral high ground, and also and more importantly being consistent and genuinely loving toward the children, it's you who'll win in the end though.

You'll be the one they want to be with when they're old enough to choose, not him.

You'll be the one who's not having to spend all their energy on deceiving and manipulating people.

You'll be the one whose conscience is clear.

I've always said I wouldn't want to be inside my ex's head - it can't be a happy place to be.

Based on the information you've provided, he definitely won't go away with kindness. I'm very sorry because I had thought from your earlier posts that it was promising to pay for things and then not doing so and dropping the children off early and based my earlier comments on that.

The offence that stands out for me is needing permission to leave the room, that's disgusting behaviour and this man needs to be stopped before he does it to anyone else. Have you been able to see a solicitor about this? Do you have evidence that shows this particular offence happening repeatedly?

I recommend you start to keep a diary of his offences if you have not already done so. This will create a book of evidence.

Your response No.

This. I have a separate phone and he can not get to me. Children will be phone and set contact hours eg he picks them up from school on Friday and drops them back on Monday morning - you do nothing.

if he doesn’t pick them up school will inform you
and be an indie witness

he drops them back to school if they come back crying or hungry school will know
Etc

Then he wouldn’t have them and I wouldn’t get a break and the kids would all kick off at me. It
would mean i literally couldn’t go anywhere or book anything.

How will that be different than your current situation?

Currently I have to transport them. It’s like a staring contest to see who will blink first and sadly it’s me because I prioritise the children’s happiness.

For example he was supposed to have them for 5 days one half term, starting on the Friday evening. I had a holiday booked, and he didn’t show up. Then he said he would pick them up the following day at lunchtime, which of course scuppered my plans. The kids were beside themselves but he wouldn’t budge. He collected them at lunchtime the following day and then said he was only going to bring them back halfway and if I wasn’t there at the designated half way point when he said, he would leave them there. (A motorway cafe)

It’s all designed to control.

I sent them in a taxi - not just any taxi either, a DBS school contract type, owned by a friend’s husband, and he kicked off at that, saying that I should be doing the driving myself. (Obviously I ignored this)

Are you getting the picture here?

Currently I have to transport them.
Am i missing something here? It doesn't seem to me that you do.

He’s a shitty parent op

sadly nothing to report

You seem very keen for him to have the children and yet you think he’s clearly a very bad person. Odd

No I am not getting the picture because on the one hand you think he’s the devil incarnate but on the other hand, you are very happy for him to be alone with your children for extended periods and in fact encourage and facilitate

He’s their dad! They love him.

He is vile to me and yet to the rest of the world he’s a marvellous devoted prince.

As a parent though, you know what is best for them

I bet your kids love haribo too

hes flakey and not bothered

so I can’t see why you are pushing and facilitating.

How old are your children?

Anyway I posted because I wanted to know in practical terms how this works and the threshold of evidence needed in order to take this forward. The net effect of his behaviour causes a great deal of stress and anxiety for me not to mention financial pressure. He knows what he’s doing and that’s why he does it.

It seems that I need more robust evidence to demonstrate this and probably in this situation a specialist solicitor might be a better start point, probably when I have more solid evidence of his behaviour and the motivation behind it.

Yes very true

So the burden of proof is so high with the cps

It's very hard

And then to prove it in court

Sorry you are up against this piece of sh--

Because it is literally the only break I get from them. They are ks2/3.

You seem determined to push some odd agenda here, it’s unhelpful.

What would be your ideal outcome op?

Thanks - that’s the bit I’m trying to understand - what that looks like. What seems clear to me, I appreciate, is not necessarily what will stand up to scrutiny.

So it boils down to..: you want a break?

That he is responsible for transporting them, and having them at fixed times, and doesn’t mess about with this just to spite me.

In fact all of this would be sorted if he wasn’t so solidly spiteful.