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Original poster

Child's dad is taking me to court

87 replies

needadvice777 · 02/05/2023 16:41

I have a 10 month old DD with my ex. He's been extremely inconsistent since day one e.g. turning up late to visits, sometimes not turning up at all and has had long periods of absences. Due to this, he has never had DD on his own as his relationship with her is non existent. I have offered visits in public places (e.g. the park) and this happened for two weeks before he decided he now wants to have her on his own. I have not allowed this as DD barely knows him and I was hoping to have more supervised visits so he can build up a bond with her before he has her on his own.

He has decided he wants to take me to court. Can anyone who has been through this or has any experience in this area advise what a likely outcome of court would be? Thanks in advance

OP posts:
roarfeckingroarr · 02/05/2023 18:30

It sucks OP but they're all about fathers' rights now. Can you try to keep it out of court and hope he gets bored again soon?

shysquirrel · 02/05/2023 18:31

roarfeckingroarr · 02/05/2023 18:30

It sucks OP but they're all about fathers' rights now. Can you try to keep it out of court and hope he gets bored again soon?

Hope he gets bored? It's his child!

roarfeckingroarr · 02/05/2023 18:32

@shysquirrel he's been inconsistent and is making selfish demands now that aren't in the interest of the child.

Original poster
needadvice777 · 02/05/2023 18:36

@shysquirrel he disappears for months on end so yes he does get bored of his own child

OP posts:
GoodChat · 02/05/2023 18:36

He won't take you to court. He just wants to bully you into giving him what he wants. Tell him you'll see him there and you'll contact CMS in the meantime.

RedTulipsSpring · 02/05/2023 18:41

It’s probably more about proving a point to you than it is contact. He’ll get bored.

shysquirrel · 02/05/2023 18:42

roarfeckingroarr · 02/05/2023 18:32

@shysquirrel he's been inconsistent and is making selfish demands now that aren't in the interest of the child.

Seeing his child is not a selfish demand 🙄

NeonBoomerang · 02/05/2023 18:46

Did you have another thread about this recently?

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 02/05/2023 18:48

I would lay out in writing a structured plan that slowly builds up contact in a way you think is appropriate. Very detailed, with all the information he will need about her care. Tell him in order to build up to having her on his own he needs to start to build a relationship with her over several months. See if he sticks to any of it. Then at least if he ever does manage to get to court (highly unlikely with no money) you can evidence all the support and help and contact you have offered.

Original poster
needadvice777 · 02/05/2023 18:53

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 02/05/2023 18:48

I would lay out in writing a structured plan that slowly builds up contact in a way you think is appropriate. Very detailed, with all the information he will need about her care. Tell him in order to build up to having her on his own he needs to start to build a relationship with her over several months. See if he sticks to any of it. Then at least if he ever does manage to get to court (highly unlikely with no money) you can evidence all the support and help and contact you have offered.

Yes, this is what I suggested. He stuck to the plan for 2 weeks then disappeared. Now he's come back after being gone for over a month and is threatening court, yet some posters are making it seem like he's been hard done by!

OP posts:
Original poster
needadvice777 · 02/05/2023 18:56

NeonBoomerang · 02/05/2023 18:46

Did you have another thread about this recently?

No. This is my first time posting about this

OP posts:
GoodChat · 02/05/2023 18:57

@needadvice777 to be fair you can't drip feed then say people are taking his side. Give people the facts upfront and they'll generally give incredibly helpful advice here.

Original poster
needadvice777 · 02/05/2023 18:58

GoodChat · 02/05/2023 18:57

@needadvice777 to be fair you can't drip feed then say people are taking his side. Give people the facts upfront and they'll generally give incredibly helpful advice here.

I don't think I have drip fed, I mentioned his long absences in my OP.

OP posts:
WheelsUp · 02/05/2023 18:59

It sounds like he is unlikely to follow up with court action. Maybe you should confuse him by suggesting that he goes ahead with it.

THisbackwithavengeance · 02/05/2023 19:05

Why do you not want him to have contact?
I see this so often on here.

Do you want your DD in the future to be the only or one of the few DCs in her class/friendship group that doesn't know her dad or believes that her dad is a waste of space because that's the vibe she picks up from her mum? Why would you not want her to have a positive and loving relationship with her other parent even if you can't stand his guts?

Why do you want the worst for her?

Skybluepinky · 02/05/2023 19:09

The courts are use to dealing with the cases and being breastfed isn’t a reason for him not to see the child unsupervised, thru will just build up the time he spends.

U will need to go to mediation b4 court, so don’t b as expensive as u think plus he’ll b able to represent himself and the courts love fathers wanting to be involved.

Tatiepot · 02/05/2023 19:16

Play the game @needadvice777 offer everything you’ve already offered, all over again…and then if he steps up fine, and if he doesn’t then if he ever goes to court you’ll be able to show you have been more than fair.

FWIW I’m currently doing something similar with my EA XH, he’s made a lot of noise about wanting more time (all of it said to DS rather than me) but when offered the pick of the school summer holidays he wants five days…in total…

They’re full of shit the lot of them, it’s all about looking like a good dad not actually being one.

Original poster
needadvice777 · 02/05/2023 19:19

THisbackwithavengeance · 02/05/2023 19:05

Why do you not want him to have contact?
I see this so often on here.

Do you want your DD in the future to be the only or one of the few DCs in her class/friendship group that doesn't know her dad or believes that her dad is a waste of space because that's the vibe she picks up from her mum? Why would you not want her to have a positive and loving relationship with her other parent even if you can't stand his guts?

Why do you want the worst for her?

What? Where have I said that I don't want him to have a relationship with her? If you read my OP properly, you would see that I've actually tried to encourage a relationship between him and DD by offering contact which slowly builds up to him having her on his own.

Mumsnet is a strange place sometimes. If a man posted on here saying that he was taking the mother of his child to court despite being absent for most of his child's life and not paying any maintenance, then there would probably be a huge pile on.

OP posts:
Falt · 02/05/2023 19:19

Not sure how experienced you are with babies but this age is where most babies are experiencing separation anxiety.

Mine was about that age when I dropped her off at nursery on the first day back to work. I'm sure she wasn't exactly happy about it but I can gladly report she's now 8 and absolutely fine.

We're talking about her father here...

Original poster
needadvice777 · 02/05/2023 19:23

Falt · 02/05/2023 19:19

Not sure how experienced you are with babies but this age is where most babies are experiencing separation anxiety.

Mine was about that age when I dropped her off at nursery on the first day back to work. I'm sure she wasn't exactly happy about it but I can gladly report she's now 8 and absolutely fine.

We're talking about her father here...

Yes, her "father" who she barely knows. He's basically a stranger to her. I really don't understand why some posters think I'm being unreasonable for offering supervised visits with the view of him building up to having her on his own. He's spent large amounts of her life away from her. I think it's unreasonable to think he can just jump straight into having her on his own. Even nurseries have settling in sessions. He's barely even ever changed her nappy before.

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 02/05/2023 19:31

It's hard when your DD is your world and you're being asked to hand her over to someone who is pretty much a stranger to her. But the court would grant contact, and even if it started in a contact centre, that would be very short term.

If he's being honest and it does proceed, play along and show you're willing by creating a plan that clearly shows you have your DD's best interests at heart. If he doesn't agree then it's evidence for the court he's not looking for a fair and reasonable solution.

SammyScrounge · 02/05/2023 19:42

needadvice777 · 02/05/2023 17:04

Not sure how experienced you are with babies but this age is where most babies are experiencing separation anxiety. Of course a baby would be distressed with a virtual stranger, and I know my child would be because that is what she's like with unfamiliar people. Thanks for your response anyway

Show quote history

He's just trying to bully you, frighten you into complying. Try not to worry.

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 02/05/2023 20:00

Tell him again in writing what he needs to do, starting from the beginning as he dropped all contact again. Be nice and patient (imagine a judge reading it) but dont back down and make it clear until she recognises him and starts to trust him this is how it has to be.

At that age, apparently I vomited on anyone who tried to touch me who I didn't know. You cant force this it has to happen in its own time. And its not the same as a nursery, with trained professionals and the whole set up. He's a feckless sperm donor at this point, who hopefully will step up, but who knows. I'd put money its his mother behind it.

MintJulia · 02/05/2023 20:46

JustAnotherLawyer2 · 02/05/2023 17:13

Firstly, stop calling it 'supervised visits' and start referring to 'supported contact'.

Secondly, he's never going to be able to build up a relationship by going to a park.

Offer him a structured increase of time, put it in writing. Every other day for a couple of hours, at your home, or at a family member's home (his family if he has someone you trust), and as your child starts to recognise him and seek him out for comfort, or can take comfort from him, then let him take her out for a walk or to the park for half an hour, increasing it once you have seen he can manage.

Show him how to make up food for her (at 10 months old, she should be eating), what she eats, what she likes, how to make up bottles of water, or anything else she might need whilst he is out with her. Teach him how to change nappies, how to notice if she is distressed etc.

There is literally no point in you attempting to fight this in any way, and the more on board you are with it, the more you help the father to understand the child's needs, the easier it will be for you to let him look after him. That is in the child's best interests, as long as there are no safeguarding concerns.

He will do one of two things, he will either step up and accept the help you can give him and build up to having the child alone, or he will fight against it and drag you into court. At which point both of you are giving up the right to make decisions about your own child, and handing it over to third parties who don't know her to decide what is best. Think about that.

He has to at least attend a mediation information session before applying to court. You should engage if a mediator contacts you - better to agree a parenting plan between you with the help of a mediator than go to court.

Sound advice. Treat your ex as if he were a customer. Calm, professional. unemotional. And keep notes.

GardenG · 03/05/2023 00:12

yes - going through it my advise is document everything - but the court won't read or take onboard, but at least you will know your not insane.
Get a Barrister for the following reasons:
Apparently its rather pro father unless serious abuse or nasty's involved.
My DS has a man that turns up sometimes (DS words not mine) refused to come to registry office multiple appointments so I went alone, he went mad because he clearly didn't get a mention on Birth Cert, 3 years later decided to take me to court - the idiots in the court awarded PR instead of throwing out on the grounds he didn't have it, ordered a step contact arrangement (which he failed to arrive for) and name change to his. Despite pages of evidence, plus at appeal I provided documented evidence that he lied through his teeth - appeal failed -a year down the line he has got me back in court for breach and Enforcement despite the fact he failed to arrive, book or if he did book canceled contacts, his only concern is name change - DS knows his god dame name and I will not confuse him. So the idiots at the court gave "The man that turns up sometimes" two rewards - they lengthen the contact sessions and removed the supported element totally I off course protested and was told "the child is that much older" he is reception year idiots and its 1 year and the fact is HE DOESN'T know this man. and then his second reward was he gets me back in court again for Breaking the specific arrangement order.. the second round of court I did have a solicitor she was useless I effectively gave her 700quid to hold my hand that's it.

I hope you have better luck that I am having.