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Legal matters

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Original poster

Child's dad is taking me to court

87 replies

needadvice777 · 02/05/2023 16:41

I have a 10 month old DD with my ex. He's been extremely inconsistent since day one e.g. turning up late to visits, sometimes not turning up at all and has had long periods of absences. Due to this, he has never had DD on his own as his relationship with her is non existent. I have offered visits in public places (e.g. the park) and this happened for two weeks before he decided he now wants to have her on his own. I have not allowed this as DD barely knows him and I was hoping to have more supervised visits so he can build up a bond with her before he has her on his own.

He has decided he wants to take me to court. Can anyone who has been through this or has any experience in this area advise what a likely outcome of court would be? Thanks in advance

OP posts:

shysquirrel · 02/05/2023 16:55

Unless he's abusive or there's been some SS/Police involvement then he is likely to get what he's asking for. Your DC is 10 months old. He can start building a relationship with her now

Original poster

needadvice777 · 02/05/2023 16:58

shysquirrel · 02/05/2023 16:55

Unless he's abusive or there's been some SS/Police involvement then he is likely to get what he's asking for. Your DC is 10 months old. He can start building a relationship with her now

So a judge is likely to order that a 10 month old baby (who's still breastfed) has unsupervised visits with her dad who has been largely absent from her life? That really worries me as I really don't feel that decision would be in the best interests of DD. She would be distressed.

OP posts:

shysquirrel · 02/05/2023 17:00

I don't know if that would be ordered immediately, but without any reason for him not to see her it's likely to be ordered soon. How do you know it will distress her, she's 10 months old not an 8 year old. Babies are fairly adaptable. He must be wanting to see her if he's taking you to court over it

Original poster

needadvice777 · 02/05/2023 17:04

shysquirrel · 02/05/2023 17:00

Not sure how experienced you are with babies but this age is where most babies are experiencing separation anxiety. Of course a baby would be distressed with a virtual stranger, and I know my child would be because that is what she's like with unfamiliar people. Thanks for your response anyway

OP posts:

greengreengrassssss · 02/05/2023 17:06

Agree with shysquirrel, it doesn't mean I think it the right decision, but without some prof of abuse going on you ex will get what he wants. I am saying this as a mum who has been through the court system and was in the same kind of situation but my child was slightly older. The court will want to do what is right for the child weather we think it is or not is a different matter.

shysquirrel · 02/05/2023 17:08

I've three and been in a similar situation. Incidentally their DF doesn't see them now but I made every effort to make sure he could so that it didn't come back on me now they're older.

For what it's worth, I don't necessarily agree that it's in your DC best interest either to see him alone immediately, but that's what's likely to happen.

JustAnotherLawyer2 · 02/05/2023 17:13

Firstly, stop calling it 'supervised visits' and start referring to 'supported contact'.

Secondly, he's never going to be able to build up a relationship by going to a park.

Offer him a structured increase of time, put it in writing. Every other day for a couple of hours, at your home, or at a family member's home (his family if he has someone you trust), and as your child starts to recognise him and seek him out for comfort, or can take comfort from him, then let him take her out for a walk or to the park for half an hour, increasing it once you have seen he can manage.

Show him how to make up food for her (at 10 months old, she should be eating), what she eats, what she likes, how to make up bottles of water, or anything else she might need whilst he is out with her. Teach him how to change nappies, how to notice if she is distressed etc.

There is literally no point in you attempting to fight this in any way, and the more on board you are with it, the more you help the father to understand the child's needs, the easier it will be for you to let him look after him. That is in the child's best interests, as long as there are no safeguarding concerns.

He will do one of two things, he will either step up and accept the help you can give him and build up to having the child alone, or he will fight against it and drag you into court. At which point both of you are giving up the right to make decisions about your own child, and handing it over to third parties who don't know her to decide what is best. Think about that.

He has to at least attend a mediation information session before applying to court. You should engage if a mediator contacts you - better to agree a parenting plan between you with the help of a mediator than go to court.

3FriendsAndADog · 02/05/2023 17:16

As PP have said, the Courts will give him the right to have his child unsupervised.
The fact you are breasfeeding will have an impact but at 10 months, she will be well under way with solids and being able to stay away from you for longer periods.
Also, and I say this very gently, at 10 months many babies will start nursery and stay the whole day with minimum contact with nursery staff before hand. Those babies adjust very well when they well cared for by said nusery staff (or CM). Even with separation anxiety etc...

If your dd's father wants to be involved, I'd take as a really positive point. Many afthers prefer to just 'escape' and act as if they have no dc. Giving your dd the opportunity to know her dad, build a relationship wioth him is a great gift to give to her.

KateyCuckoo · 02/05/2023 17:18

Plenty of children are starting childcare around this age and being left with 'strangers' but we understand there's a settling in process and in the long term it's best for everyone. She will be fine and you should be supportive to the transition as you would be with any other new experience she will come across.

HermioneWeasley · 02/05/2023 17:18

Listen to @JustAnotherLawyer2 , it’s excellent advice

courts will mandate contact with the worst fathers, there is no point fighting it. Hopefully he will get bored and bugger off again

mycoffeecup · 02/05/2023 17:19

If he's that crap, will he get round to initiating court proceedings?

ShannonMcFarland · 02/05/2023 17:20

Worth pointing out that there's a reasonable chance he's just saying this to upset, provoke or control you and he won't actually go through with it. Don't give him a reaction.

I was told by a solicitor that the court would probably mandate supervised visits at first and work up from there. It's a long, convoluted process and he may give up when he realises that.

PinkCast · 02/05/2023 17:22

Excellent advice from @JustAnotherLawyer2
He'll either step up and you'll be happy he knows what he's doing, or he'll step back because it's too much like hard work.

SavBlancTonight · 02/05/2023 17:24

I think that you should be making more effort to accept that unsupervised contact is perfectly normal and necessary at this age. You say a few weeks in the park and you haven't felt comfortable going beyond that yet. I did less settling in with my DC when they got a new nanny at that age. Surely a couple of park visits, then an at home visit or two then a short trip with him and the baby alone would be enough to get them both acclimatised. And yes, it might be a little tricky the first couple of times, but that's normal and can be worked through.

I would expect the court to absolutely expect you to do the above. They might say no to overnights at this point as you're still breastfeeding, but there's certainly no reason why you couldn't be letting him have her for an entire morning or afternoon, building up to a full day with the intention of going to overnights in the not too distant future.

3FriendsAndADog · 02/05/2023 17:26

The problem with 'him not being consistent' is that it might also come from the fact he doesnt want the OP hovering over him and telling what to do, stepping in as soon as the child cries etc... That would be enough to put him off even if they were still living together.

I have no idea if this is the case or he is just unreliable and wanting to annoy the OP.

But the point that the Courts would say YES to him still stand.

Unless there is a huge backstory there, I'd go down @shysquirrel , support his visits (and see the frequency drops as he gets bored??)

SheilaFentiman · 02/05/2023 17:26

Another one (though not a lawyer) who wonders if he will actually go through with it.

Separately, have you suggested any timescale to him for the “supervision” to end? If it is, say, 4 weeks of visits, then he may well be there before any court date.

ImperfectAlf · 02/05/2023 17:26

@JustAnotherLawyer2 has it right.

As her mum, of course you're going to be cautious. However, it's your child's right to have a relationship with both parents so long as it's safe.

You shouldn't have to (in a perfect world ) show her father how to parent, but if you follow @JustAnotherLawyer2's advice, and it goes to court , he will be able to look after her properly. She'll know him and she needs as many people to love her as she can have.
If he doesn't step up, you'll have the evidence.

WheelsUp · 02/05/2023 17:35

I have read on here that in order for dads to prove that they can be consistent, a contact centre would only require attendance for like 3 weeks or so.

Does he live close enough to you that he could have her for an hour or two on her own before dropping her off? If he takes you to court , dd probably won't be expected to do overnights yet but it won't be long until he's granted it.

If/when you go back to work you'd drop off your dd for an hour or two as a settling in session. This is the same thing. The more your dd does visits with dad, the sooner it will become her normal.

In your shoes I'd be hoping that he doesn't take me to court but I understand why he'd want her on his own. It's difficult learning if the other parent is watching and possibly judging and correcting even if they don't mean to do it.

ThisSingleMama · 02/05/2023 17:36

In my experience then yes, this will likely be granted

It's your dd's right,as per the children's act

She would likely have just one short session at a new nursery before being left there daily. So why any different for a parent?

WheelsUp · 02/05/2023 17:40

A parent could go AWOL for a few years, turn up and be granted contact. It also shocks me contact is granted to parents who take drugs, go to prison or are violent to the other parent.

Courts believe that contact is in the best interests of the child and don't punish a parent for making mistakes like being inconsistent.

Original poster

needadvice777 · 02/05/2023 17:47

Thanks all for responses

OP posts:

trevthecat · 02/05/2023 18:08

Has he actually seen a solicitor or just chatting about it? My ex used to say this all the time but never actually did it. He hasn't seen them for 10 years now

Original poster

needadvice777 · 02/05/2023 18:12

trevthecat · 02/05/2023 18:08

Has he actually seen a solicitor or just chatting about it? My ex used to say this all the time but never actually did it. He hasn't seen them for 10 years now

As far as I know he hasn't actually spoken to a solicitor. Plus he never seems to have any money for maintenance so I'm not convinced he can actually afford court anyway

OP posts:

trevthecat · 02/05/2023 18:15

I wouldn't worry too much then.

Namechange224422 · 02/05/2023 18:22

Im not a lawyer.

But, if my ex “never seems to have money for maintenance “ but thinks he can afford to take me to court then I’d start with a cms claim before I did anything else.

Whilst I do understand that maintenance and contact should be separate, it’s reasonable to expect him to pay for his own child

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