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Original poster

Ex refusing to give my son his money

60 replies

FFSFF · 19/04/2023 01:23

I hope someone on here can help me, pretty please. I'm in England.

History - ex was very abusive (including financially) - had to leave him with the help of the Woman's Refuge.

DS(14) is trans and has been living as a boy for 1.5 years now. His 'D'F flatly refuses to accept this. DS refused to see his DF for 3 months last year, but DF eventually broke him down and he agreed to start going again.

The DC have bank accounts linked to their dad's (a 'spendings' bit with a savings bit). DS has been saving for years now and has more than £500 in his savings. He is not allowed to have his bank card - it has to stay at his dad's. His dad will have to transfer the savings to the spending in order for it to be withdrawn.

If DS doesn't want to go to his dad over a weekend, his dad 'fines' him up to £15 for 'loss of groceries'. If DS doesn't reply to a text from DF within a minute, DF 'fines' him £5. I know this constitutes financial abuse.

After a massive blowout last week where I told the ex I refuse to talk to him again unless it's through a solicitor, and ex making it abundantly clear that he will never ever ever accept DS as a boy, DS does not want to see his dad - ever. He hates his dad and the whole bloody family is toxic (staunch Catholics).

However, DS wants his money. It's his money and he wants it. I've opened a bank account solely in his name where he will be in control of his own money (he's very sensible). But... DF refuses to give him his money. Wants to know why he wants to control his own money etc.

Is it legal for DF to withhold DS's money from him? Since DS's account is linked to DF's account is the money legally his to control?

I've told DS that it's only money and can be replaced, and his mental health is more important, but £500 for a 14yo is a lot of money, especially since he's very frugal with spending.

So where do I go from here? Is there a way to force the ex to give the money to DS?

Sorry this was so long 😊.

OP posts:
PlanningQuestions · 19/04/2023 02:08

In what way is the account linked to your ex? Or is it a junior account and ex is the named adult? If so, I would accompany DS on a trip to the bank with outputs of texts demanding these fines. DS can tell them the account is being mismanaged and financial abuse is taking place.

PlanningQuestions · 19/04/2023 02:08
  • sorry, printouts, not outputs.
MrsTerryPratchett · 19/04/2023 02:11

I think it's more important to teach your child that 500 quid is a very small price to pay for cutting someone abusive out. That lesson may hopefully last a lifetime.

EllandRd · 19/04/2023 02:26

Is is able to do a bank transfer from his account into his new one? His dad sounds awful.

Pallisers · 19/04/2023 02:35

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/04/2023 02:11

I think it's more important to teach your child that 500 quid is a very small price to pay for cutting someone abusive out. That lesson may hopefully last a lifetime.

this. utterly this.

you cannot change your ex. Your child cannot change their father. money isn't worth that much at this stage. your child needs learn the power there is in letting go of small amounts of money if they come with abusive controls and not letting someone have financial power over you.

Offthexmaslist · 19/04/2023 07:57

Absolutely.. just take this utter cunts power away. By not letting him control manipulate DC for £500...

If you are able to replace some/all to start up his new account then fab but if not - it's a v small price to pay and leaves this poor excuse for a parent with nowhere to go.

tribpot · 19/04/2023 08:30

I don't understand what kind of account this is, I can't find anything about child accounts 'linked' to adult accounts in the way described. Could it be that these are just regular child accounts and your ex controls access by withholding the bank card and login details?

If so, I would go into a branch (or call, if not a branch-style bank) and ask what the procedure is when you've lost the account details. You can indicate that your ex was managing the account but you've lost touch or something like that.

I would do nothing which involves contact with your ex. This is a hard lesson for child to learn, but he probably does need to understand how to protect yourself from an abuser, as this prick is never going to change. If there's no way to get the money back without engaging with your ex, I think you have to let it go. I'm not sure why you didn't suggest a separate savings account earlier, but was the money in the account gifted from ex's family? So he just directed them to it? Bet they'd be highly delighted if so to know that their gifts are being used for grocery fines, FFS.

IncompleteSenten · 19/04/2023 08:32

Who gave your son the money?
Perhaps approach them and ask them to intervene.

clpsmum · 19/04/2023 08:35

Can you go I to the bank and explain the situation to them? Not sure if they could help but worth a try. Your ex is an utter prick and hope your son lives a happy life without his dickhead "father" in it

Nimbostratus100 · 19/04/2023 08:38

tribpot · 19/04/2023 08:30

I don't understand what kind of account this is, I can't find anything about child accounts 'linked' to adult accounts in the way described. Could it be that these are just regular child accounts and your ex controls access by withholding the bank card and login details?

If so, I would go into a branch (or call, if not a branch-style bank) and ask what the procedure is when you've lost the account details. You can indicate that your ex was managing the account but you've lost touch or something like that.

I would do nothing which involves contact with your ex. This is a hard lesson for child to learn, but he probably does need to understand how to protect yourself from an abuser, as this prick is never going to change. If there's no way to get the money back without engaging with your ex, I think you have to let it go. I'm not sure why you didn't suggest a separate savings account earlier, but was the money in the account gifted from ex's family? So he just directed them to it? Bet they'd be highly delighted if so to know that their gifts are being used for grocery fines, FFS.

don't lie to the bank, tell them the truth

MoroccanRoseHChurch · 19/04/2023 08:38

Responding to a PP above, we have “linked” bank accounts. Child savings accounts, which are linked to my DP’s account and are controlled by him. My DP isn’t an arse though.

I wonder if, without involving your DC in it too much, you could speak to the police re financial abuse/theft (if these savings are gifts from others).

Nimbostratus100 · 19/04/2023 08:38

just contact the bank, or visit, explain to them what is happening, and ask them t=what the legal situation is

TitoMojito · 19/04/2023 08:57

£500 is a lot of money, especially to a teenager, but I do think it's worth writing it off to get this asshat out of your son's life permanently. Fining your son for groceries and not answering texts? He’s a horrible person and he'll never change.

JustKeepSlimming · 19/04/2023 09:04

I'd go to the bank (if you have a branch near you - phone them if not) and explain the situation to them. Ask what your options are. I'd initially do this without telling DS.

Once you know whether you're likely to be able to get hold of the money, you can decide how to proceed. If it's going to be impossible, then I agree with telling DS that it's a small price to pay to be free of abuse. Are you able to set him up a bank account with even £10 in it which he has control over? Show him that that £10 that he controls feels much better than £500 being used abusively.

LittleLegsKeepGoing · 19/04/2023 09:09

I don't know if this helps at all, but my daughter's savings account is linked to my bank account. I control all access to it...but when she turns 16 the account automatically ceases to be in my control and my daughter will get full access.

Definitely worth speaking to the bank and asking how your can regain access for your child.

Richierich77 · 19/04/2023 09:11

If you can afford to could you replace the £500 so DC doesn’t lose out & then just email ex & say you’ve given him the £500 & opened account in their name so the account he has ‘control’ over can now be closed as it’s not needed

CuriouslyDifferent · 19/04/2023 09:13

Get the kid to contact the bank and advise if change of address if necessary - and advise that the card is being withheld so can it be cancelled and replaced. main thing is - talk to the bank.

Original poster
FFSFF · 19/04/2023 09:19

Thanks for the replies. To answer some questions:

I also have linked accounts for the DC that I opened years ago when they were too young to have their own accounts. So basically their accounts are controlled through my account. The ex then decided he wanted to do the same, and as I never see his family (I have none) he takes all the money given by them to the DC and puts it in their accounts, then controls it. He transfers a small amount from savings into current and they are allowed to use their cards on a Saturday when they go to town, but other than that they're not allowed to have their cards.

The money is mostly birthday/Christmas money given to DC by family members.

I have opened accounts for both DC, in their own names, completely their own not linked to any other account.

Unfortunately I can't afford to replace the £500 - I'm struggling just to keep food on the table.

I'll phone the bank today and explain the situation, but I don't even have the account numbers, so they probably won't be able to help me.

OP posts:
Original poster
FFSFF · 19/04/2023 09:24

If you look at my previous post you'll see that I found out last week that the ex is not only using and dealing drugs, but is also actively encouraging the DC to use drugs. Apparently they'll be exposed to it sooner or later anyway, so better for it to be done 'under controlled conditions'. I have reported him anonomously to Crimestopper.

OP posts:
ssd · 19/04/2023 09:30

This is one of the worst thing's I've read on here about how a child is being treated.

Nimbostratus100 · 19/04/2023 09:52

ssd · 19/04/2023 09:30

This is one of the worst thing's I've read on here about how a child is being treated.

I know, horrendous - a £5 fine for not answering a text within a certain time frame - poor boy - I d be tempted to just block the father from the sons phone. Who needs that stress

DemonicCaveMaggot · 19/04/2023 09:53

Your son needs to go into the local branch of his bank and ask them how they handle financial abuse of a child. This won't be the first time this situation has come up. Does he have a passport or some other form of ID? They can find the account in the system using his name and the address (probably your ex's address). At the very least they may be able to freeze the account.

Noicant · 19/04/2023 09:54

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/04/2023 02:11

I think it's more important to teach your child that 500 quid is a very small price to pay for cutting someone abusive out. That lesson may hopefully last a lifetime.

Yes this, your ex is abusive to his child, I absolutely would not be facilitating contact.

Noicant · 19/04/2023 09:55

FFSFF · 19/04/2023 09:24

If you look at my previous post you'll see that I found out last week that the ex is not only using and dealing drugs, but is also actively encouraging the DC to use drugs. Apparently they'll be exposed to it sooner or later anyway, so better for it to be done 'under controlled conditions'. I have reported him anonomously to Crimestopper.

WTF, cut contact.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 19/04/2023 10:03

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/04/2023 02:11

I think it's more important to teach your child that 500 quid is a very small price to pay for cutting someone abusive out. That lesson may hopefully last a lifetime.

I agree.

And if you can find £500 to give to him so that he's not out of pocket, I'd do it......