Ex refusing to give my son his money

[FFSFF]

I hope someone on here can help me, pretty please. I'm in England.

History - ex was very abusive (including financially) - had to leave him with the help of the Woman's Refuge.

DS(14) is trans and has been living as a boy for 1.5 years now. His 'D'F flatly refuses to accept this. DS refused to see his DF for 3 months last year, but DF eventually broke him down and he agreed to start going again.

The DC have bank accounts linked to their dad's (a 'spendings' bit with a savings bit). DS has been saving for years now and has more than £500 in his savings. He is not allowed to have his bank card - it has to stay at his dad's. His dad will have to transfer the savings to the spending in order for it to be withdrawn.

If DS doesn't want to go to his dad over a weekend, his dad 'fines' him up to £15 for 'loss of groceries'. If DS doesn't reply to a text from DF within a minute, DF 'fines' him £5. I know this constitutes financial abuse.

After a massive blowout last week where I told the ex I refuse to talk to him again unless it's through a solicitor, and ex making it abundantly clear that he will never ever ever accept DS as a boy, DS does not want to see his dad - ever. He hates his dad and the whole bloody family is toxic (staunch Catholics).

However, DS wants his money. It's his money and he wants it. I've opened a bank account solely in his name where he will be in control of his own money (he's very sensible). But... DF refuses to give him his money. Wants to know why he wants to control his own money etc.

Is it legal for DF to withhold DS's money from him? Since DS's account is linked to DF's account is the money legally his to control?

I've told DS that it's only money and can be replaced, and his mental health is more important, but £500 for a 14yo is a lot of money, especially since he's very frugal with spending.

So where do I go from here? Is there a way to force the ex to give the money to DS?

Sorry this was so long 😊.

Sorry wait your more bothered about money than your kid being around drugs wtf is wrong with you. Anonymously reported him are you kidding. Your letting a child go to a drug user and not standing up for that.jeeeeez

I left him 10 years ago when the DC were 4, and I've tried my level best to limit the damage he tries to inflict on them.

No, that is not the case at all. I only found out last week about the drugs and I reported him to Crimestoppers the very next day.

It is also not that 'simple'. I had to report him anonymously, as, if he finds out that the police know minors were involved and it gets back to him, he WILL know it was DS who told me, and that I am the one who reported him. This would put me and DS (and possibly DD) in very real danger. I have to protect my DC from retaliation from their dad, and him finding out DS is the one who told me is not the way to protect them.

DS is never going to his dad's again - he never wants anything to do with his dad ever again. DD on the other hand is autistic, hero worships her dad and is extremely aggressive and hostile towards me, so this has to be handled very carefully. If I told her she's not to see her dad her aggression would escalate to unmanageable levels and she might try to run away. She has also threatened to kill me and DS, and also herself. She is seeing a therapist. They're also starting their mock exams tomorrow and DD doesn't need additional change of routine right now, as it will derail all her exams. I am doing the best I can under very difficult and challenging circumstances.

How did this end up?

Things went from bad to worse I'm afraid. DD chose to go live with her dad full-time and I seldom see her as he doesn't like her coming here. DS still hasn't seen a penny of that money and won't either. The ex hasn't even paid maintenance for 4 months, even though CMS told him he has to. He's pleading poverty, and 100% he's used all the money in DS account. When DS turns 18 he can take over the account, but there will be nothing left in there.

DS had to get a police anti-harassment order against his dad, and has been NC with him for around 3 years. They only saw each other at grandma's funeral last year (I was banned from going as I'm the evil influence and bringer of chaos that caused my son to be trans).

I never heard anything more about the drug investigation from the police.

Oh, and in the end the police convinced me to give my details instead of reporting anonymously. They kept me out of the loop though, as it would be safer for me if I didn't know anything and nothing could be traced back to me. I did learn the investigation came to nothing, which just means he's very careful and didn't get caught.

Sorry about the bitty messages lol. DS also changed his name by deedpoll on his 16th birthday, but he not only changed name, he also changed his surname from his dad's to mine. DS hand delivered a copy to his dad (just knocked on the door, handed it to him and got back in the car). As you can imagine - that went down really really well with the ex. lmao

I would teach your son that no amount of money is worth tolerating abuse. He needs to cut his losses with the £500 in that account, I'd tell the ex's family what the ex has been doing and explain that from now on if they want to give your son money he will actually see to put it in the account you have opened for him. Then it's down to them if they do it or not.

Yes, he has accepted that he'll never see that money again. He's estranged from most of the family now, as at family gatherings etc his dad will also be there, and he can't be in the same room as him. Most of them have rejected my son anyway due to his 'sin of being trans'.

Some of the aunts and great aunts have cottoned on to what the ex is doing, and they now post birthday/Christmas cards with some cash in them to our address. Nothing gets handed to the ex.

Sheeesh - almost sorry I asked but at least you and your son have full clarity now xx