Ex refusing to give my son his money

[FFSFF]

I hope someone on here can help me, pretty please. I'm in England.

History - ex was very abusive (including financially) - had to leave him with the help of the Woman's Refuge.

DS(14) is trans and has been living as a boy for 1.5 years now. His 'D'F flatly refuses to accept this. DS refused to see his DF for 3 months last year, but DF eventually broke him down and he agreed to start going again.

The DC have bank accounts linked to their dad's (a 'spendings' bit with a savings bit). DS has been saving for years now and has more than £500 in his savings. He is not allowed to have his bank card - it has to stay at his dad's. His dad will have to transfer the savings to the spending in order for it to be withdrawn.

If DS doesn't want to go to his dad over a weekend, his dad 'fines' him up to £15 for 'loss of groceries'. If DS doesn't reply to a text from DF within a minute, DF 'fines' him £5. I know this constitutes financial abuse.

After a massive blowout last week where I told the ex I refuse to talk to him again unless it's through a solicitor, and ex making it abundantly clear that he will never ever ever accept DS as a boy, DS does not want to see his dad - ever. He hates his dad and the whole bloody family is toxic (staunch Catholics).

However, DS wants his money. It's his money and he wants it. I've opened a bank account solely in his name where he will be in control of his own money (he's very sensible). But... DF refuses to give him his money. Wants to know why he wants to control his own money etc.

Is it legal for DF to withhold DS's money from him? Since DS's account is linked to DF's account is the money legally his to control?

I've told DS that it's only money and can be replaced, and his mental health is more important, but £500 for a 14yo is a lot of money, especially since he's very frugal with spending.

So where do I go from here? Is there a way to force the ex to give the money to DS?

Sorry this was so long 😊.

@FFFSFF , you need to get your head out your arse and do more.

I think the £500 can be an expensive lesson. And that you should apologise to your DC for permitting him to out so much money in an account linked to their father whilst knowing he has a history of financial abuse.

Can you tell us which bank it is with? Might be able to offer more tailored advice with a bit more info.

She has nothing to apologise for. This is money given to her DS by the ex's family members. OP has never had any say or control over that money, nor over the ex's choice to put it in the account.

Maybe I've misunderstood but I thought op was saying that ex's family give gifts for DS to his dad which goes into DS's account linked to dad. Dad controls the account and access to the card. OP hasn't put money in that account or encouraged DS to put his money in there?

I agree with others that it's better to cut toxic people and behaviour out and not be controlled for the sake of £500. That's not to say I wouldn't try and get him access to the money first through the bank but if unsuccessful I wouldn't pursue it as it focusses too much on the negative. Switch it then to what he does have control over. Is DS in touch with any of his dads family who give these gifts and able to talk about what's happening?

Someone with better knowledge will hopefully come along but maybe a charity such as childlike or nspcc may be able to help with all the issues not just the financial control?

*childline not childlike

We have accounts for our children that are held in trust by us. They're under my name, we can control what goes in and out, and at age 11 we decide whether to transfer the account to the child or to continue to hold it in trust until up to age 18. As far as I'm aware, we can do what we want with the money until we decide to give the account to them. It even suggests that parents might withdraw money from the account prior to handing it over (with a view to saving it for a house deposit for them etc but I don't see how they would find out what it was used for). So if your ex has a similar account for your son, I doubt he'll have any access to the money. I would replace what I could for him, and try to help him to let it go. Clearly your ex is using this as a way to abuse and control him.

I would call the bank and tell them your child has lost their card and put a stop on it. Then get a new card issued and sent to your house. Once you have the card, surely you can transfer money from the saving to the current and then out into the account your child controls.

What bank is it?

It does not sound like op had much of a choice.

Can any of the family members who gifted the money in the first place help or are they all awful?

my guess is any transfers from the accounts will need his signature which doesn’t help DS they definitely won’t talk to you. They might be able to advise DS if he explains the issues to the bank as the money is in his name. Even if he can get it frozen until he’s 18 (I’m clutching at straws here)

From the post it sounds like the 500 quid is the least of all their worries to be honest. Father dealing drugs and encouraging his children to try them ...time to cut ties.

I think I would start encouraging your child to start letting go of this money. I appreciate this won't be easy and won't be what they or you want to happen, but if your child's father is going to continue to behave like this (and abusers continue to abuse after all) then it's an expensive lesson but a lesson all the same. It's shitty behaviour and your child deserves better but with people like this it will never happen.

Sounds like cutting the father's control is going to be the best thing all round with your child, and if they don't have the money it's probably worth it for the sake of future mental well-being.

Fuck that’s awful before you said about the drugs.
Tell your son you love him and support him going NC. That being fined and controlled is financial abuse as well as emotional and you are so profond of them for recognising that and taking steps to mitigate it. That you will try your best to get them the money but if you can’t then the price for the freedom is worth it. Then maybe help them mow lawns or get a Saturday job to feel in control and get some money back. Ask your side of the family to give money for birthdays etc to build it back up

This. But you might have to go into the branch and take ID / proof of address / your sons BC before they will change it on their system.

if they wont do so without your ex consent, tell them its under dispute and they will freeze the account. Your son wont get the money until its sorted but your ex wont be able to drain the acount.

It’s Ok for your son to tell them that his dad is abusive.

I never see any of the money. The ex takes the DC to family gatherings etc - I don't have anything to do with them. They give the DC cash, the ex takes the cash and puts it in their accounts. Then controls it.

His family are all staunch or lapsed Catholics and are racist and homophobic and any other gender-phobic you can think of, so they refuse to acknowledge my son and deadnames him all the time. Just in case people think it's a 'passing fad' as the family seems to think - my son is now 14 - he first said he wanted to be a boy when he grew up when he was only 4, so he's always felt like this, but only came out last year.

I don't have any family.

After a manic morning I'm just having a cuppa and then I'll phone the bank - it's Halifax for those who asked.

DS and I are making plans to make stuff we can sell, so he can earn some money. He takes resistant materials, and this project will also help towards his GCSEs.

Also, cutting contact isn't quite that easy, as DS's twin sister is autistic and hero worships her dad. I get told daily how much she hates me and what an awful mother I am, and that her DF is a much better person than I'll ever be. If I cut contact with him completely her behaviour and aggression towards me would spiral completely out of control.

Stuck between a rock and a hard place...

I think I would try and draw a line under it and talk to your son. Unfortunately they will always come across people who will not accept him - just sad that it is his own father.

Explain to him that his father is wrong, but that it would be best to not let Dad win by showing that the fining and financial control is having an effect.

Say that between you, you can build his savings up again and although it will take time, you two can get there.

If Dad realises that this control isn't workmen he may allow access again and your son can move the money over into an account he has access to.

So you obviously don't know any genuine trans people. Not those seeking attention, but those who genuinely feel they were born in the wrong body?

I'm not 'allowing' my child to do anything. He's a boy, and has said he is since he was 4 years old, before he even knew the word 'trans'. He's 100% happier as a boy than he ever was as a girl. I support him because he's happy. If he ever decides that he is actually a girl then I shall support him in that also.

Unless you have personal experience of this, please don't judge.

I think it’s worth speaking to the bank about it and if they can’t help, cutting your losses. Ex is using the money as a form of control and it’s awful. There’s no way that your child should have to spend any time with family members who can’t accept him as he is and be supportive.
This behaviour from his so called father will be so damaging - mental health is much more important than £500 .

@FFSFF I’ve found a number For Halifax for a department specifically for financial abuse. I’d give them a call as they may be able to help :) 0800 0854 475

Thank you :-). I was actually on the phone to Halifax when your message came through and she put me through to that department.

Turns out that as the DC aren't 18 yet and their dad is the signatory on the account, there's absolutely nothing they can do.

I suppose the ex coming to his senses ain't never gonna happen, so DS will have to cut his losses. Sigh.

Wow, what a bastard. Hell never repair this relationship with his son, will he?

Hopefully the number above will be useful. This is why I love it here, @Scalessayeek great bit of detective work!

No. My son has said numerous times he wishes his dad would just disown him. He has no love or respect for his dad whatsoever.

I told DS that there is no chance of him getting his money without his dad agreeing to it and said the decision is his - write off the money now or go to his dad's one last time this weekend and try and convince him to give DS the money. DS thought for about 3 seconds and said nah, I'm not going, we both know he's not giving me my money. He texted his dad to say he's not coming to his and then switched off his phone.