I need help to defend myself against a Prohibited Steps Order

[Toomuchwine89]

I met my ex husband when I had four children, and was with him for 6 years. When we'd been together for a year, we bought a house together, although it's only him on the mortgage. We married 9 months after buying the house (summer 2018).

He was emotionally/verbally abusive, controlling, punched walls etc. The abuse was towards me and the children (mostly his non bio children) and was getting worse. I have video evidence of this and text messages.

I tried talking to him many times but nothing changed, so on the advice of Women's Aid, I fled to a refuge while we was at work in November last year.

He love bombed the hell out of me and begged me to come home, but I said I couldn't unless he seriously changed, which could take months. Obviously that was too much effort so he instructed a solicitor instead. Around this time I reported his behaviour towards the children and me to the police and they advised me to obtain a non molestation order, which I did, and it has been granted for 12 months.

I've now been served with a court hearing for a Child Arrangement Order, which I was expecting. However, he has also applied for a prohibited steps order, to stop us leaving the local area. He doesn't know this, but I had indeed applied to a council 2.5 hours away for housing. Not to stop contact, but to start afresh, and avoid having to see him around etc.

His bio children aren't in school yet so wouldn't have to change schools and they don't really have a relationship with his family. He has even written in his court application that because of his job, he couldn't have the children overnight in the week.

How do I best go about defending this order? I genuinely believe it's about control rather than the welfare of the children.

I wouldn't move yet if I were you, a friend of mine did and she lost custody because she refused to move back to the area.

Thank you. I hope you're doing okay now. I did try ringing rights of women once but they were just too busy

I can believe that. These poor men and their wishes eh

Make sure you ask for additional measures such as screens between you and him and separate waiting rooms.

This. You will be entitled to legal aid- use it, get a solicitor

I had an awful nightmare last night about facing him in the court waiting room. But yes I have requested screens etc. Really hope they're available.

I definitely can't get legal aid. Not until my savings go below 3k anyway, which they probably will soon! But then I'd have to transfer everything over to a new solicitor

I THINK ex H is self represented at the minute

What was the kiddies’ contact history with their dad up until now?
My eldest DC (now 21) had supervised contact in a contact centre for 9 month (this is years ago, mind). But supervised contact may tie you to the local area for longer than you may like. Still, it is probably a good idea. Keep in mind that supervision ought to be (will be?) in a controlled, neutral environment (contact centre) and should never be supervised by you or your/his family members. Recipe for utter disaster, the latter. Ask me how I know. 😞

Here is your opportunity to be proactive: Look up contact centres locally AND where you will be moving to. Present this to CAFCASS. That way, you’re still encouraging contact with their dad. You’re acknowledging his PR. You’re not withholding contact but you are, crucially, safeguarding your children.

Yes you can get legal aid via the domestic abuse gateway. Please please call the NCDV and they will get you a solicitor free of charge

A proper solicitor I mean as this one sounds absolutely USELESS! You ARE entitled to Legal Aid.

You absolutely should not move before court because that would be seen as underhand and it would backfire. You would be ordered to move back.

Your best elements of your case are

• the abuse
• the fact he couldn't have them overnight in the week
• the fact you have a number of children and getting a house will be hard and you have been offered one

Do not say to the court you are moving to get away from him or they will probably say no.

If he has been abusive refuse contact as long as possible and ask for a finding of fact hearing then a section 7 report after that. It will delay his time with them so the longer they go without seeing him the less of a deal it will be if you move.

Good luck!

I'm definitely not entitled to it. Honestly

Also he is highly, highly unlikely to be granted a PSO given that you already have a non mil granted due to his abuse. Don't worry too much. That non mol is your proof of abuse.

You need a new solicitor! Either way, please do call NCDV, they are amazing!!

@Toomuchwine89 Do you have a high income? Otherwise I don't understand why as I was in the same situation as you and received it. I had to get a disclosure from the police stating what he'd done which cost £20 but as I had a non-mol they said that was sufficient.

I’ve not particular experience of PSO in this type of context, just wanted to send love and strength op.

you’ve done an amazing and brave thing getting yourself and your kids out and so long in a refuge must be difficult. I can imagine you are desperate to have your own home again.

I hope the judge sees the PSO application for what it is, an attempt to control. Hopefully CAFCaSS are supportive of your position as main carer. Will CAFCaSS comment on the potential move or no? I wonder if they can?

Thank you! I will screenshot this. Everything he's doing is to punish me for leaving him, and I knew this would happen, which is why I stayed for so long.

He's literally chilling alone in a 5 bedroom house, in the village with the kids' school and friends, while me and six kids are in a 2 bedroom self-contained flat in a refuge. My 14 year old son is sharing with my 11 year old daughter. But yet he's able to force me to stay local to him? I think it's disgusting tbh.

He will love me being in refuge. No concern for the kids whatsoever. During his love bombing phase, I asked him why he couldn't have moved out and we had the house, at least temporarily. He said "because I don't want you to have another man in there, it would be horrible!"

And that is what it boils down to.

i managed something very similar. Talk about everything through the lens of the needs of the children. I moved for:

• lower cost, secure housing
• better schools including SEN provision
• family support
• these factors, in turn, meant I could work and better support the family
• no disruption to existing contact patterns - their father was only seeing them once a month and during school holidays and I was clear that I did not want the children’s relationship with their father to suffer, I simply wanted to organise my life in a way that meant we all thrived.

Additionally, their father refused to pay maintenance, hiding his income from the authorities. I could demonstrate that our existing living situation was untenable, and that my plan brought considerable improvements for everyone. I ensured their new schools, GPS etc had his contact details and fully understood that he was their father with full parental rights. I could also evidence that he was a pretty uninvolved parent and that almost all family responsibilities fell to me - and the schools, doctors etc reported that I did a good job as a mum. If you’re able to fully explain how your plans will improve life for everyone (not just imply but fully consider and explain really clearly), and it doesn’t disadvantage the father, the court IME will be sensible and child-focussed.

Good luck OP. It’s really hard so I don’t mean to be patronising, but try to stay level-headed and don’t let panic stop you from thinking things through really thoroughly (which I say because I fell into that trap, not because I think you’re in some way incapable).

I have no income! Apart from universal credit. I even had to pay for the non mol.

Very rare they order people to move when they already have.

Thank you. I don't feel amazing :( I feel guilty every day, although that is improving thankfully.

And yes I am desperate for a home! We've lost our home, all our things (I left pretty much everything behind, even though I bought it all), my business, our puppy... I'm spending a fortune on fuel to get the older ones to school.

And yes apparently CAFCASS will be discussing the PSO with me

Have you spoken to your solicitor about an occultation order to get him out of the house instead? Appreciate that doesn't get you away from him but does make your living situation a little easier?

I was offered one at the same time as the non molestation order but I said no. I'd never be able to relax

No they'll just remove custody like what happened to my friend.

Don’t be pressured into allowing contact out of fear that they should have equal time with their father. Focus on ‘the best interests of the children’. This is what they look for throughout. It is not in the children’s best interests to have extended contact with an abusive father and so supervised contact is a better option. I’ve been through this so really sympathise and want to encourage you that in time to come you will look back with relief that you did this for you and your children. In regards to the prohibited steps could you apply yourself and have one granted first?

I don’t know if you can put in a counter application but I had one granted without notice and so it was very quick and my ex was had delivered the paperwork within a week.

What would my PSO be for? Unfortunately I've already sent the paperwork back to the court to state that I didn't want to apply for anything. I just didn't want to look like I'm doing anything in retaliation