Husband will not agree to divorce

[AshTreeandIvy]

The basic details are:
Been together for 30+ years but married since 2019
I have work pension + state pension = just under £2K per month
He has no income and does not get state pension until Oct 2023, it will only be around £400 per month as he’s never been much of a worker and has basically lived off me.
Our house is mortgage free and worth around £300K. He hasn’t paid anything toward it. We are tenants in common.
We have capital amounting to around £80K from inheritances on both sides.

I have supported him all the time I have known him. I know this has been ridiculous but I can’t change the past. He is a spendthrift and wastes a lot of money. I am 67 and he is 65.

I want a divorce and to sell the house and split the capital but he will not even talk about it. Walks away and acts as if I haven’t even spoken. He will not engage at all.

I paid for a one hour consultation with a solicitor but nothing was very clear. I think this was probably my fault as I didn’t know what I was talking about really.

I want to know if I will be able to divorce him without him engaging in the process and how I can force him to sell the house. If I move out does that affect my claim to it (I won’t want to be staying here as he can be prone to anger).

Basically I need to know where do I go from here and am I likely to have anything left at the end of it!

Thank you in advance for any replies.

If the cohabitation period and the marriage are seamless (i.e. they have lived together for 30+ years and been married for 3 of those years), the courts will treat it as if they have been married the whole time.

My sympathies, I divorced with a similar scenario after 30 year marriage, was a few years back (from what people are saying the laws have changed) but mine tried to refuse the divorce but I was fortunate to accidentally pick a fantastic female solicitor who was scary😀 she said don't worry I've dealt with this sort before and she sent bailiffs to present the divorce papers as he wouldn't have accepted them any other way and frightened him into signing! 😂 My advice is, find a good solicitor and accept that you are going to take a financial hit, the peace is bliss and well worth having less money for👍💐

@Collaborate I’m already retired and all my income is pension (work + state). He’s’retired’ for no reason except laziness and hasn’t reached pension age yet so has zero income.

He doesn’t. It’s all down to me….

Thank you @Mossstitch. That very reassuring to hear! I'm used to being fairly frugal by now and you’re absolutely right, peace of mind is worth much more than gold. I’m so glad you got out and are happy!

Doesn’t matter that you think he’s been lazy. He’ll still get half. He’s only a year off state retirement age.

There is a Divorce for dummies book in the Dummy's series, will be full of advice. Good luck lass.x

I'm surprised that he'd get half the pension. I thought that was more when one partner wasn't earning due to childcare.

It's an asset, same as the other savings accounts, houses etc.

No children involved, both partners at retirement age. Why wouldn't everything, including pensions, get split down the middle? Why should he get less than OP?

I guess I thought that the rationale for 50/50 asset split for parents ith one SAH was that caring work was counted equal to paid work. But it sounds like the OP's partner hasn't worked for many years through choice, i.e hasn't been contributing to the assets. But I am in no way arguing, just learning something new every day.

Morally, he shouldn't.
Legally, he probably will.

OP get a good Solicitor.

Surely the rationale for an equal split where one party earns much more than the other is that the lower earner has contributed in other ways to the household (ie usually female childcare and drudgery).

Couldn't the OP argue that he's done nothing of the kind?

The court will absolutely NOT get in to an examination of who did what during the marraige.

Funny isn't it that on MN there are voices saying how unfair it is when the higher earning wife has to share with the lower earning husband, but never the other way round?

If he doesn't have an income op how does he finance his life? I assume you pay the bills but doesn't he ever need cash to go out etc? I'd be removing my money from any joint accounts as if he can't afford to actually do anything or go anywhere he might get a job!

That should be one avenue for discussion with a divorce specialist. If he’s not worked he will say he’s supported the household in other ways.

Apologies @AshTreeandIvy if I missed you clarifying this already, but do you give him money and feed him? If so, can you just stop doing this? I agree with the previous poster that separating unofficially will mean the money and property will all go to you and you won’t have to pay for a divorce. Who knows, might even manage to get his act together a bit. Otherwise, it would be good to keep a record of any unpleasantness, refusal to work, threats or anything like that. Try grey rocking him and try enjoying your life independently of him.

@AshTreeandIvy just a suggestion but rather than have to buy somewhere totally shitty if it comes down to him getting half the house I would look at the OPSO scheme, which is shared ownership for older people. You could buy your 25% or even 50% outright (depending where it is) and then pay rent on the remainder . Some of the developments are marvellous- Blue sky platinum for instance have some great ones on the south coast for over 55 . I think he probably will get half the house but not much more given he has contributed so little over the years. The other option of course is to take half the house , keep the cash and rent- although this will cost you more than the rent on a part buy .

Just a thought anyway - personally I would rather do this than live somewhere awful

@Collaborate my experience on this forum is it’s generally the opposite. I’ve seen many threads where a stay at home mother will be denigrated by other posters for not really “working” with posters saying she therefore is not entitled to her partner’s earnings beyond what the children need. This despite the SAHM running the household, being primarily responsible for childcare and often sacrificing any reasonable career progression with the agreement of or express wishes of their partner. Quite often they even work part-time and the fairly direct advice they get is that they should work full time and just get childcare like everyone else.

Perhaps I’m missing something, but woman earning all the money and man not earning with no childcare duties ever required of either is not a very common scenario. In fact, gender reversed versions are fairly rare too in my experience on here anyway.

That's because, as I said, she has usually enabled him to earn more by doing all the shitwork.

... with a consequent impact on her own earning power.

Do you realise that you are getting in to an argument on divorce law with an actual divorce lawyer don't you?

Sounds like you had a shit solicitor. Book with another one, they will talk you through the process and how the money is likely to be split.

He certainly can’t block you divorcing him, but I think he can slow it down a bit. So best to crack on -

@RoundandRound123

It’s very rare people say that to SAHM of preschool and early primary kids. Mostly posters are very clear that the mother is doing as much of a job as her partner and any money earned is joint. As they should be.

@Collaborate however people are usually pretty fucking sharp when Wives try to suggest they are SAHM rather than housewives once their kids are properly back at school, and ‘go to work’ is usually the advice if you aren’t working, so I don’t think there is much of a double standard here’. The OP’s OH sounds like a cocklodger, but given she’s tolerated that for 30 years, I imagine she’ll be happy enough to pay up and move on.

@Crikeyalmighty A great suggestion. I have no children to want to leave an inheritance for so something like this could work well for me. Thank you.