Husband will not agree to divorce

[AshTreeandIvy]

The basic details are:
Been together for 30+ years but married since 2019
I have work pension + state pension = just under £2K per month
He has no income and does not get state pension until Oct 2023, it will only be around £400 per month as he’s never been much of a worker and has basically lived off me.
Our house is mortgage free and worth around £300K. He hasn’t paid anything toward it. We are tenants in common.
We have capital amounting to around £80K from inheritances on both sides.

I have supported him all the time I have known him. I know this has been ridiculous but I can’t change the past. He is a spendthrift and wastes a lot of money. I am 67 and he is 65.

I want a divorce and to sell the house and split the capital but he will not even talk about it. Walks away and acts as if I haven’t even spoken. He will not engage at all.

I paid for a one hour consultation with a solicitor but nothing was very clear. I think this was probably my fault as I didn’t know what I was talking about really.

I want to know if I will be able to divorce him without him engaging in the process and how I can force him to sell the house. If I move out does that affect my claim to it (I won’t want to be staying here as he can be prone to anger).

Basically I need to know where do I go from here and am I likely to have anything left at the end of it!

Thank you in advance for any replies.

No, it isn't a short marriage. They have only been married 3 years, but they have been together 30+ years. Where a couple were cohabiting when they married, the courts will generally include the period of cohabitation when calculating the length of the marriage.

Left field thinking here. Can you afford to move out, not divorce, take your savings and start afresh, keeping your pension and just leaving him to it?

I agree with @prh47bridge if your cohabitation before marriage was seamless (ie it wasn't on again off again) those years will be added to the marriage when working out a settlement.

I'm sorry you are in this situation OP. My advice is to find the best lawyer you can afford (research the family law specialists in your area) and get some realistic advice on your course of action.

As others have said, he can't stop you processing the divorce. He'll soon be advised that dragging his heels only costs him more in the long run. I was advised under no conditions to leave the marital home & I was in a dire position at the time. Living together/apart is the hardest bit, it was hell on earth for me. As far as your assets go, you can negociate that your pension is put to one side for him to receive a larger chunk of equity from the house sale.

of course finance matters, and in a divorce he will probably get 50% whereas if they don't divorce she can refuse to give him any of her pension or savings

I'm saddened that you had such crap legal advice though. My initial meeting was excellent and the 3 'streams' of divorce (kids/finances/divorce) were explained really clearly. What I did is go to a top-drawer lawyer for the 1st session to learn how it works, then a regular lawyer to process the whole thing. I knew my ex would try to anihilate me and I needed to be as well informed as possible.

Thank you all for your input. I’m fully expecting it to be treated as 30 years rather than the 3 of actual marriage.

As things stand I can’t really afford to move out…neither can he, and he won’t anyway unless forced. If I can get to the point where it would be a matter of finding somewhere temporary for a few months then I would do it but I’m hoping to be able to afford a small flat in a cheaper area with the proceeds from the house so I’m trying to hang on to enough capital as I can.

Once I get the ball rolling the atmosphere will be ‘unpleasant’ but I’ve grown a thick skin and he’s never been physically violent.

This is the resolution that I pray for but unfortunately cannot count on! He’s a pretty healthy old devil..

I know plenty of people in this situation, sadly. They cook really unhealthy full cream and processed meat meals in the hopes of inducing heart attacks!
Desperate measures!

My Dad got divorced from his second wife in similar circumstances after 30 years of marriage. Was worth paying a good solicitor as he kept his pension and they sold the house and got half each. A long record of wife not contributing to household costs helped. And she wouldn't pay for much of a lawyer herself to argue, despite threats. Similarly a dear friend the same, though wife had worked, still got a settlement with no pensions involved.

My Dad was 83 (wife was 20 years younger and waiting for him to die). He's now living the last chapter of his life in a lovely little flat after two decades of toxic atmosphere. I say start the paperwork asap and push for the financial settlement you want.

Thank you for sharing this…it’s very encouraging. Sometimes I do think that I’m too old to do this and I’ll never push it through so this gives me hope.

Waiting for him to die when he's only 65 would be utter madness - he could live for another 30 years! Get the ball rolling OP. Don't waste another moment of your precious life on this loser.

@ArcticSkewer how do you know when he'll die ? He could live to 100.

@AshTreeandIvy
You cannot wait for him to die. See how the new laws apply to you. Then see a family solicitor. They can guide you regarding what you can negotiate.

Don’t worry, I won’t…he’d live forever just to spite me!

I’ve just booked myself a short holiday at the start of September to get some space, clear my head and get everything down on paper.

He can do it the easy way and agree to the divorce and agree a financial split and save us both a lot of money - or he can fight me all the way and we’ll get the same ending eventually but will be considerably worse off. His choice.

Thus giving him a massive incentive to divorce her.

OP wants out and the bottom line is that means the assets need split.

I am a divorce solicitor and this is an easy case.

You can divorce him (online - no fault and his consent not needed).

Long marriage (30 years - including pre-marital cohabitation) so everything - house, savings and pensions) will get split down the middle. No maintenance as you're both at or near retirement age.

@Collaborate they have only been married for three years...

You're never too old for divorce. A relative of mine was in her 80's when she divorced.

I know. Read my post again.

Thank you @Collaborate

can I just ask if I would have to give him half of my income, work pension plus state pension? He will get his state pension next Oct but only around £400 per month as he hasn’t paid much in.

Are you planning on working much longer? You are beyond state retirement age.

assuming you are going to retire imminently I’d expect the court to share pensions so that you each have the same retirement income.

I think it’s very likely you will have to give him a share (probably half) of your private pension. I’m very sorry this has happened to you 💐

@Collaborate sorry, I skim read. My question was would the cohabitation period be included in the settlement? Especially if the H hadn't compromised his earnings due to e.g. childcare.

How does he pay his bills, food etc if he has no income?