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Original poster

Mediation before baby is born?

64 replies

fejkalove · 23/01/2022 11:29

Hello,

Just after some advice as can't get any from CAB on a Sunday....

To summarise; I'm currently 5 months pregnant and my ex is being unreasonable regarding wanting to talk to discuss visitation rights etc when child is born. He has insisted he will be instructing a solicitor this week so that we can go to mediation and put a plan in place for when the baby is born. He knows I cannot afford a solicitor and will now do everything possible to stress me out. He also believes he's entitled to be present at the birth etc which I've told him is my decision.
I just wanted to know if it's possible to put in an agreement on visitation before a child is even born? I plan on BF and he will be expecting to have the baby overnight ASAP.

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 23/01/2022 11:38

Ignore him.

Mediation will cost you money anyway.

Decide what you think is a suitable contact schedule - eg 1 hour three times a week - and propose that. If he won't agree to something like that outside of mediation, he won't agree to it in mediation and you will have gone through the stress and expense for nothing.

Let him take it to court if necessary because they won't agree to overnights for a newborn whether it's breastfed or not.

The court only care about what is best for the child. It is not best for the child to be separated for long periods from its mother at such a young age. It is viewed to be in its best interests to have regular contact with its father.

Doyoumind · 23/01/2022 11:39

And of course he has no right to be at the birth if you don't want it. There's no legal route he could take to force that on you.

TracyMosby · 23/01/2022 11:43

Fuck that.

You need to be absolutely rock solid with your boundaries with controlling men like this. No thought what-so-ever as to what will be best for a newborn. He has shown already it is his interests above a vulnerable baby. Do you have all this in writing? Or was it a verbal conversation? Communicate in emails.

Presumably you have absolutely no intention of allowing a man who is awful to be at the birth. That’s a ridiculous request. And also do not fold on baby’s name. Baby gets your name.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 23/01/2022 11:44

As I found out with my endlessly litigation ex it was better to just ignore. I didn't engage at all. Didn't go to court or anything. Solicitors letters are not a summons.
Of course he won't be at the birth. Can you imagine!!!! Just don't tell him when you go into labour and make sure the hospital staff are instructed not to let him anywhere near you. You have all the rights here.
What are they going to do....lock you up? No.
Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Original poster
fejkalove · 23/01/2022 11:46

Thank you all.

My problem at present is that he will not speak with me to even attempt to put a plan in place. He simply responds with 'Sorry. We cannot sort this between us so I'll instruct the solicitor this week and we'll do this professionally.'
I just wanted to know if you can physically put a plan/agreement in place before the baby is even here?!

OP posts:
Steelesauce · 23/01/2022 11:50

Nope, he can't. You can just ignore it all until you get the mediation request. Then you make a reasonable offer and let him look a fool when he asks for overnights of a newborn Grin

TracyMosby · 23/01/2022 11:53

My problem at present is that he will not speak with me to even attempt to put a plan in place
Then don't speak to him. Do nothing. Go about having your baby and getting ready for that.

Original poster
fejkalove · 23/01/2022 11:55

@Steelesauce

Nope, he can't. You can just ignore it all until you get the mediation request. Then you make a reasonable offer and let him look a fool when he asks for overnights of a newborn Grin
Sorry I'm being stupid...can mediation happen before a baby is born?
OP posts:
Totalwasteofpaper · 23/01/2022 11:57

@Doyoumind

Ignore him.

Mediation will cost you money anyway.

Decide what you think is a suitable contact schedule - eg 1 hour three times a week - and propose that. If he won't agree to something like that outside of mediation, he won't agree to it in mediation and you will have gone through the stress and expense for nothing.

Let him take it to court if necessary because they won't agree to overnights for a newborn whether it's breastfed or not.

The court only care about what is best for the child. It is not best for the child to be separated for long periods from its mother at such a young age. It is viewed to be in its best interests to have regular contact with its father.

Yep. Good advice.

Firstly Flowers and Cake
I pregnant right now and can't imagine the extra stress...
You need to prioriitse yourself and the baby ignore meeting his needs wants and asks.

You have a lot more power and rights which is why he is trying to threaten you.

He has no legal right to be at the birth i would just ignore him and tell him a few days after when you have recovered.
If you can't being yourself to do that and you want to seem cooperative and go with the flow give him a revised or pushed out due date say you'll tell him, then don't and say it was all too rushed.

Additoonally - I'd warn the hospital about your situation before labour.ale sure you talk to your midwife about the stress anxiety etc he is causing lean on her and take the support they offer. Explain your concerns and any of his abusive behaviour so they can log it all ( you may well want this later for court)

He is clearly not playing fair do you need to box clever yourself. Remember this and don't let him guilt you

He has no right give the baby his surname and you don't have to put him on the birth cert although he can fight/go through courts for that and get himself added.

it sounds like he gives zero fucks about upsetting you and stressing you out so i would happily return the favour in your shoes.

You need to play smart because otherwise he will be all over you. You need to set your stall out early and start as you mean to go on

Santahasjoinedww · 23/01/2022 11:57

Just stop engaging for now. Concentrate on enjoying your pregnancy..
No judge would make you hand over a newborn or indeed under 18 months for overnight contact. Imo.

Original poster
fejkalove · 23/01/2022 11:57

@TracyMosby

My problem at present is that he will not speak with me to even attempt to put a plan in place Then don't speak to him. Do nothing. Go about having your baby and getting ready for that.
Thank you, so much stress and hurt it's hard. I never wanted this but he's hurt me so much since becoming pregnant.
OP posts:
Doyoumind · 23/01/2022 11:59

He can waste his time paying a solicitor. It won't do him any good. Besides, you don't need to instruct a solicitor to do mediation. You can go direct.

People rarely understand what mediation is about/for IME. The mediator won't help find a solution where there isn't one to be found. They don't discuss the rights or wrongs of different proposals. They are simply there to mediate between parties in the hope that an agreement can be reached between the two parties so it isn't taken out of their hands and into the hands of the court to decide what happens.

A solicitor can send threatening letters etc but legally it means nothing.

The biggest threat to you is that you give in to unreasonable requests because it's difficult to reverse one in place. Remain reasonable at all times and you should be fine.

Theunamedcat · 23/01/2022 11:59

Yes it can happen before the baby is born just ignore him and wait

Tell your midwife too get it on your birth plan he isnt to come near you

Make sure you live near your support network

Original poster
fejkalove · 23/01/2022 11:59

@Santahasjoinedww

Just stop engaging for now. Concentrate on enjoying your pregnancy.. No judge would make you hand over a newborn or indeed under 18 months for overnight contact. Imo.
Thank you, that's the plan but hard being heartbroken too and wondering if I could get an appointment for mediation in the next week.
OP posts:
Doyoumind · 23/01/2022 11:59

*once in place

Original poster
fejkalove · 23/01/2022 12:03

Okay so if I'm planning ahead; if he were to instruct a solicitor tomorrow to go to court/put a visitation agreement in place for when the baby is born, that can happen?

I will absolutely fight for what I think is right, just want to know what to expect and how I should react to any request.

Thank you for all your help.

OP posts:
Mumoftwoinprimary · 23/01/2022 12:03

My nephew split up (very badly) with his partner when his son was a few weeks old. He was on the birth certificate. She refused him all access.

The solicitor told him that he could go to court and would get some access but it would cost many thousands and would not be all that useful if she chose to ignore it. Basically with a breastfed newborn you can’t punish the mother without punishing the baby.

Now I’m not saying deny him access or ignore court orders but it is worth remembering that.

And remember that if you ask a solicitor to write you a letter saying “if you don’t feed the newborn child the blood of dead bats for every meal then my client will take you to court for full residence” then that is exactly what the solicitor will write. It doesn’t mean it is true.

RoisinD · 23/01/2022 12:04

Why are you so set on getting an appointment next week for mediation? Re-read the excellent advice already given.

RandomMess · 23/01/2022 12:04

Please stop wasting your energy chasing him. Let him pay solicitor to write to you, you can reply yourself.

For now I would say "I will not be agreeing to anything until after the baby is born and the first week has passed. My proposal would be hourly visits 3 times per week whilst exclusively breastfeeding."

And repeat repeat repeat.

Original poster
fejkalove · 23/01/2022 12:04

@RoisinD

Why are you so set on getting an appointment next week for mediation? Re-read the excellent advice already given.
I'm not...but he is and I'm worried I will be called to attend such an appointment.
OP posts:
Original poster
fejkalove · 23/01/2022 12:05

@RandomMess

Please stop wasting your energy chasing him. Let him pay solicitor to write to you, you can reply yourself.

For now I would say "I will not be agreeing to anything until after the baby is born and the first week has passed. My proposal would be hourly visits 3 times per week whilst exclusively breastfeeding."

And repeat repeat repeat.

Thank you.
OP posts:
Viviennemary · 23/01/2022 12:06

I doubt he will be allowed the baby overnight. Since he is being so difficult I wouldn't put him on the birth certificate until he has a DNA test. So that will stall his plans. Tell him not to contact you and if he does report him to the police for harrassment.

draramallama · 23/01/2022 12:08

He must have really done a number on you if you believe he has the power to do that.

RandomMess · 23/01/2022 12:08

If he hasn't named in the birth certificate then she can't claim CMS if he denies the child is his. That's a dangerous game to play although I would be forewarning the registrar it's a hostile situation and wouldn't attend one with him.

Original poster
fejkalove · 23/01/2022 12:10

@draramallama

He must have really done a number on you if you believe he has the power to do that.
He has money and I can tell is getting advice from a family member who seems to have knowledge. I don't know what my rights are and can't afford a solicitor so he has the power in that sense at the moment.
OP posts: