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Legal matters

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

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Original poster

Mediation before baby is born?

64 replies

fejkalove · 23/01/2022 11:29

Hello,

Just after some advice as can't get any from CAB on a Sunday....

To summarise; I'm currently 5 months pregnant and my ex is being unreasonable regarding wanting to talk to discuss visitation rights etc when child is born. He has insisted he will be instructing a solicitor this week so that we can go to mediation and put a plan in place for when the baby is born. He knows I cannot afford a solicitor and will now do everything possible to stress me out. He also believes he's entitled to be present at the birth etc which I've told him is my decision.
I just wanted to know if it's possible to put in an agreement on visitation before a child is even born? I plan on BF and he will be expecting to have the baby overnight ASAP.

OP posts:

titchy · 23/01/2022 12:12

@RandomMess

If he hasn't named in the birth certificate then she can't claim CMS if he denies the child is his. That's a dangerous game to play although I would be forewarning the registrar it's a hostile situation and wouldn't attend one with him.

Yes she can. Ffs don't spout shit you no nothing about. If he denies parentage then a simple DNA test will be ordered as his expense.

crochetmylifeaway · 23/01/2022 12:13

@RandomMess that is completely untrue. Maintenance and being on the birth certificate are in no way linked. Even being on the birth certificate, a male can claim they are not the father and refuse to pay.

OP ignore him. When you go into labour you can instruct the ward to refuse him entry if he is causing issues. Don't tell him if you don't want to. There is nothing that can be done prior. You could theoretically agree something but loads can change between now and after the baby is born.

titchy · 23/01/2022 12:13

And how's she supposed to put his name on the Bc if he's not there?

RandomMess · 23/01/2022 12:16

Indeed you can get maintenance without them being on BC but it's a damn sight easier and quicker if they are.

Santahasjoinedww · 23/01/2022 12:19

Please please remember op that a solicitor will write whatever shite he asks of them. UNTIL A JUDGE orders something you can legally ignore.

Original poster

fejkalove · 23/01/2022 12:21

@Santahasjoinedww

Please please remember op that a solicitor will write whatever shite he asks of them. UNTIL A JUDGE orders something you can legally ignore.

Thank you - hopefully I can at least birth the baby before I hear from a judge

OP posts:

titchy · 23/01/2022 12:24

@RandomMess

Indeed you can get maintenance without them being on BC but it's a damn sight easier and quicker if they are.

Not it's not. OP hasn't said he intends to dispute paternity - quite the opposite in fact.

Stop with the misinformation. It's dangerous.

Theunamedcat · 23/01/2022 12:26

Is it worth you staying in the area

Hapoydayz · 23/01/2022 12:26

Don't go to mediation before the baby is even here. If he tries to take this to court before the baby is born he will look incredibly unreasonable putting pressure on a pregnant woman causing undue stress. Stop engaging with him. Completely ignore him. Are you living where you intend to stay? If not move when you are pregnant as when the baby is born he may try to block a move through the courts. Don't give the baby his surname you will most likely regret it.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 23/01/2022 12:28

@fejkalove

Thank you all.

My problem at present is that he will not speak with me to even attempt to put a plan in place. He simply responds with 'Sorry. We cannot sort this between us so I'll instruct the solicitor this week and we'll do this professionally.'
I just wanted to know if you can physically put a plan/agreement in place before the baby is even here?!

No you can't the baby isn't even considered to be a child until it is born. He is attempting to make you do something that is not enforceable by a court, think about abortion laws. A man has no say in what happens before a baby is born. Also if you are breastfeeding there will be no extended contact at all. Don't allow him to panic you. Ignore him totally up until the time you get a summons from a court which I think is unlikely. He is just trying to frighten and control you. I had 5 years of this.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 23/01/2022 12:30

Make sure the baby has your surname, don't tell him the baby has been born at all and especially until it is registered with your name.
Keep all correspondence as it will show controlling/bullying and unreasonable behaviour.

Original poster

fejkalove · 23/01/2022 12:30

@Hapoydayz

He actually kicked me and my DD out last week so temporarily staying with family until we find our own place. I've moved back to the county I wish to be in. Ironically we were planning on getting back together and this argument began because I had said the baby would not have only his surname....I will follow the advice given, thank you.

OP posts:

Hapoydayz · 23/01/2022 12:32

Stay strong. You've got this.

Santahasjoinedww · 23/01/2022 12:35

He will need to apply to court for dna testing first..

iloverock · 23/01/2022 12:36

You can't make an application to court for an unborn child.
So block him and drs with it when baby here.

TracyMosby · 23/01/2022 12:38

@RandomMess

Indeed you can get maintenance without them being on BC but it's a damn sight easier and quicker if they are.

Youre still wrong and why lie in your first post? Lying isn't helpful.

TracyMosby · 23/01/2022 12:40

Basically with a breastfed newborn you can’t punish the mother
It should not be the intention to punish the mother anyway! If a man only wants visitation to punish the mother, id consider him dangerous. What else would he use the baby for to punish the mother?

Santahasjoinedww · 23/01/2022 12:43

So - recap..
Ignore
Give birth without him
Register alone
Register your surname
Inform him when you are ready
He visits when you are ready

Duxiejhrhrvjz · 23/01/2022 12:46

If mediation calls you to arrange an appoint, tell them you don’t have a child with him and he is calling to discuss a baby that isn’t due to be born for another 4 months.
Tell them you will book an appointment for when baby is 2/3 weeks old if they are taking bookings that far ahead.

greyinganddecaying · 23/01/2022 12:48

Personally I'd refuse to communicate with him further.

He is not entitled to attend any antenatal appointments or scans, the birth, or visit you at hospital. Or at home without your permission.

Don't put him on the birth certificate and give the baby your surname.

Then it's up to him to make the effort to be involved, after the baby is born.

prh47bridge · 23/01/2022 13:00

He is not entitled to be present at the birth. That is entirely up to you.

It is possible to agree contact arrangements between you before the child is born. However, he can't force you to agree, nor can he force you to go to mediation and he won't be able to get a court order until after the birth or even apply for one - the form he would have to complete to start the process asks for the child's name, sex and date of birth.

LittleBear21 · 23/01/2022 13:01

Solicitor here (albeit not family law). Mediation has to be agreed to by both parties. It's not like court were you can be summoned to attend. So if he or his solicitor (or even the mediation service) do try to get you to attend at anytime (pre or post birth) you can as others have said safely ignore the requests.

Very reasonable for you to say you will consider it again when the baby has arrived, but you don't have to respond at all.

It may be the way to go when you do want to set up a plan; especially if he won't just sought it out direct like a grown up. Mediation is less formal/intimidating than a court. The mediator will make sure everyone behaves sensibly (but can't control what anyone says or force them to be reasonable) and easier to represent yourself. But as above, just because he asks you to attend doesn't mean you have to. You can safely ignore.

GiltEdges · 23/01/2022 13:11

A court can't grant visitation rights to a baby who doesn't even exist yet. Focus your energies on yourself and your pregnancy and don't attend the mediation for now. Be open and willing to discussing reasonable visitation once the baby arrives and tell him you'll consider mediation at that point if needs be.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 23/01/2022 13:20

@TracyMosby

Basically with a breastfed newborn you can’t punish the mother It should not be the intention to punish the mother anyway! If a man only wants visitation to punish the mother, id consider him dangerous. What else would he use the baby for to punish the mother?

Maybe it wasn’t clear in my message but I was talking about if the mother ignores a court order. That in effect the court can do very little as the usual ways of punishing someone for breaking a court order is fines (will take resources away from the child), community service (will take mother away from child) or - in extreme cases - prison (will take mother away from child).

So - effectively it means the court order is not worth a lot if the mother is determined to defy it.

draramallama · 23/01/2022 13:27

You are giving him power by engaging with him and jumping to his tune.

You are imagining that he has great power to compel you to do all sorts of things at the click of his fingers - when he does not - and then allowing those fears to control your decisions.

Just because he threatens something doesn't mean you have to comply. In fact you would be in a far stronger position if you stopped trying to comply and appease his demands.

Are you receiving support from domestic abuse organisations to deal with the effects of his coercive control?

Women's Aid. Rights of Women. Freedom Programme. Your local council. Local women's charities. CAB (having told them domestic abuse / coercive control is occurring). IAPT/NHS therapy for abuse survivors?

Any of those?

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