Making children available for contact - what does this actually mean?

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When a CAO requires the resident parent to make the children available for contact what does this practically mean?

More specifically if you have a child who doesn't want to go at any point, say, and you have driven all dc to the NRP handover point but that dc refuses to go. Have you made them available by taking them there and trying? Or are you required to literally force them?

Obviously resident parent should do all they can to encourage, help, reassure, be positive about contact but if even with all of that the child is adamant about not wanting to go there must come a point where it's detrimental not to listen to their wishes?

This isn’t a legal answer but in your situation if he hasn’t bothered helping I would try and get some written confirmation from him that he’s not that fussed.

So, I’d maybe text him something like “just to update you x has calmed down now. Hope the other kids are doing ok and weren’t too upset by earlier. She is still saying she doesn’t want to come. Have you got any suggestions?”

Them hopefully you’ll get either no response or something non constructive but you can show you’ve been constructive....

Alternatively, can you try handover from school, often goes much more smoothly.

Does he even want to see the DC???

His words say he wants to see them. His actions, not so much. I think it's about control - he grasping at the last bits of control he has left over me.
School handover might be an option.

School handover sounds like a good idea.

The school won't physically force your child to go with him, so he will either have to grab them himself or leave them at school for you to get.

I seriously cannot believe all the eejits on here using the example of dropping off your kid at nursery and them being upset as the same as dropping kid off at contact that they clearly don't want...? WTF??

Don't video the handovers, judges hate that.

Also 'recitals' aren't enforceable, so whoever said you 'have to adhere' to them, that's not the case at all. A recital would have to be turned into an order before it could be enforceable. Handover details should be recorded in the order itself.

The order itself is enforceable if breached, but sounds like the father isn't that bothered about the kid coming to the visit, or he'd engage and try to offer encouragement. The mere fact that he stands back and does nothing is a clear indication to me that he's enjoying watching that child's distress, or the mother's over efforts at trying to get the child to go.

'Make the child available' means take them to the collection point, deliver them to the handover, it does not mean 'force' the child to go. If the child is in distress and is old enough to articulate why, then the other parent should be engaging to try to remedy that distress.

OP, make an application to vary the order and in the interim as another poster above suggested, get some therapeutic input (which the father has to engage with) to see if you can get to the bottom of the child's reluctance.

Try school handover my sincere was clear with the school from a young age he did not want to go to his dad's he would go but he didn't want to they rang me a couple of times saying he was distressed and got me to collect him instead it was clear he hated contact

Thank you, that is very helpful.

I don't think videoing handover would help matters - it would upset and confuse the dc in any case.

What type of therapeutic input would be appropriate? Sorry - I'm not totally sure what that means.

The father is absolutely capable of barefaced lying in court so I wouldn't be confident that I would be believed about him just sitting there doing nothing. Might it be helpful, to protect myself in case of enforcement, to take someone along just to witness it? They'd obv be someone connected to me so don't know how much of any weight their testimony would have?

*if any

What @wejammin said is really helpful and works out for the child. 2 of my 3 DC refused contact with my Ex after we split. Ex did nothing much to help the situation, and had no skills needed for calming and reassuring the DC. After failing to get the oldest to go, and even resorting to carrying a screaming, biting 10 year old child in to Ex's place then bolting out the door myself, I finally got my older DC to see a therapist.

The therapist advocated for the DC, put their points across, helped me understand what I could do to facilitate contact, and worked with Ex a lot to try to improve his parenting.

It's been a long process, and the DC both cut back the time they spend with my Ex, but they now go to his mostly willingly and without much distress. This has taken 2 years though, but my Ex did seem to understand that with the children's therapist supporting reducing contact duration and supporting the DC being able to back out if they couldn't cope, that trying to take me to court over not making the DC available was pointless. It was all there in writing that the issues were not with me, but with him and his parenting skills being totally lacking

In my situation it's also complicated by one child having significant additional needs that my Ex struggles to understand and deal with.

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Thank you, that is very helpful.

I don't think videoing handover would help matters - it would upset and confuse the dc in any case.

What type of therapeutic input would be appropriate? Sorry - I'm not totally sure what that means.

At 10, a play therapist or child psychologist would be appropriate. It depends on the child's level of verbal communication skills. An articulate 10 year old could manage talking therapy, but play therapy might still be easier for them.

The therapist should be willing to work with both parents alone, and together, to resolve the issue causing resistance to stay with the children's Dad.

@FoldedBlanket, options would include child inclusive mediation, although if there has been domestic abuse this is not appropriate. Alternatively, a child psychologist or psychotherapist, or even a school counsellor if there is one available. Essentially a professional that can talk to your child and establish in a neutral environment why they are so against contact. It is important that this is a neutral, professional person so that, if there is an enforcement application, you cannot be accused of influencing your child's behaviour.

Taking a third party witness may assist in terms of evidence if they are willing to give credible evidence if required. I would avoid a grandparent or very close family member as it's too easy to dismiss them as biased.

Handover at school will provide a more neutral environment for observation but lots of schools won't provide good reports as they don't want to 'get involved', but if there's a TA who does emotional support that's probably your best bet to approach.

Thanks so much

Unfortunately parental alienation is a real problem so courts have to take that into consideration when children refuse to go

Parental alienation is a contentious subject in this case I can hardly see it applies she is forcing the child to go to contact he is refusing to help and support the child so who is alienating who here?

My ex used to return ds2 all the time literally collecting from school at 3.20 on the phone to me 3.40 at the latest literally as soon as he had been "seen" by the parents being a "good dad" goes to the car rings me screaming I need to get my child ultimately cost me my job but it also cost him his relationship with both his children ds2 doesn't bother seeing him ds1 dumps him for his mates his cat and just because he can which is literally how his dad has treated him for years my ex tells anyone who listens ive alienated him from his children but his own actions have done this not me

In your particular situation, I would take a book to the handover point. I would say to your ex, "DC is here. I have made them available for contact. You need to take it from here". Then I would start reading and not engage until your ex does something. I wouldn't leave with DC running after me so I'm in the position of having to physically drag them back... I'd just stay put until ex leaves with DC.

That is an interesting idea. Unfortunately ex has form for being aggressive and shouting at me at handovers, which is why they are supposed to be as quick as possible (cafcass recommended they should be). But I could try it.

Tbh my kid doesn’t want to go to school and cries most days about it but he still has to go, I see this as the same thing.

@FoldedBlanket. You could try to take a friend with you if you think he might get aggressive.

Imo you're giving him all the power atm. He probably enjoys seeing you having to plead with DC to stay and getting upset and being inconvenienced. Don't let him do that. Arm the other children and yourself with books/tablets and be prepared to sit it out calmly until your ex actually engages with his DC.

The same dc has had a similar problem with school Baking - the difference is that school have done everything in their power to help dc to manage to come in once I've got them to the school gates, and now that problem has improved massively. Does your school really do absolutely nothing if your dc is screaming at the gates and completely refusing to be left? I'd be very unhappy if mine did.

I hear what you're saying Goldbar

They actually do do absolutely nothing and insist he has to be in, the senco actually said to “does he know you will get into trouble if he doesn’t come in” which I found a bit but they are not a very supportive school so it’s not surprising. Maybe he is being supportive to them when they are there just not in front of you?

Quite often these things happen because the resident parent fails to promote contact - at times can speak negatively of the other parent. Have a read about parental alienation and attachment theory. The standard of care a parent needs to provide to ensure the child has them as one of their primary attachments is simply "good enough." To break that bond is recognised to cause certain emotional harm to a child. That is why the continuation and promotion of relationships with both parents is crucial to the emotional development of all children.

The problem is that those parents who are alienators will never recognise themselves as such because they are blind to their own behaviour. Children are extremely perceptive and can pick up all sorts of signals from their parents.

The orders are worded as they are because how they used to be worded presented problems when orders were being enforced.