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Original poster

How far is a reasonable distance for DC to travel for weekend contact?

69 replies

CarsonsHat · 25/09/2021 21:12

Could anyone please tell me what is considered a reasonable distance for DCs to travel for EOW contact visits with their parent?

My ExWife has moved away with our children. Since she moved, I have been collecting DCs from their house on a Friday, and delivering them back on a Sunday. ExW doesn't believe she has any responsibility to do any of the travelling. They live too far away to come back to my house for weekends, so we stay in hotels near where they live. I pay for the hotels and all the travel costs.

I'm trying to negotiate an agreement where ExW delivers the DCs a bit closer to where I live so that I don't have to spend all day Friday/Sunday travelling to see them. She argues that it is unreasonable to expect them to travel at all, as they find it too tiring, and she is sticking to her guns and refusing to negotiate. They are 15, 13 and 12.

I'm fairly certain that her position is unfair and that I am within my rights to expect her to undertake some of the travelling, since it was her decision to move away. What I'm not sure about is how far could I reasonably ask DCs to travel on a weekend.

If this goes to court (and its looking likely it will), she will try to argue that it is not in the DCs best interests to do any travelling. I could really do with some examples, or even better some caselaw, to support my position that expecting them to travel 1-2 hours to see their father on a weekend is entirely reasonable.

Can anyone give me some examples of how far their DCs travel for EOW visits?

OP posts:
Caramellatteplease · 25/09/2021 21:14

I would have thought they are to old for court ordered contact. What do the children say. You might be better going for longer holiday visits

delilahbucket · 25/09/2021 21:16

What was her reason for moving so far away? At those ages, the travel time isn't a problem, but they may have something to say on the matter themselves when they want to be meeting up with their mates instead. They are all old enough to make up their own minds and if the matter gets as far as court, they will be asked.

lovelybitofsquirrell · 25/09/2021 21:19

At that age i don't think the courts would make a decision on behalf of the children.

What do your children want? Do they mind travelling to see you? Do they want to do it every week? Every other? Live with you? Live with mum ?

Original poster
CarsonsHat · 25/09/2021 21:23

Her reason for moving away was she didn't like where we lived (near my family), and wanted to be nearer her own family. She refuses to allow me anything other than EOW, so longer visits during the week haven't been an option. If I was to be able to see them during the week, we would need to stay near their home because of school, so I certainly couldn't have them nearer me.

I've talked to them about the visits - they're aware that it totally knackers me (I do a 12 hour round trip to see them), especially as I sometimes have to do it after work on a Friday, so I can't get to them until late. They've said they don't mind travelling - we've done it on a few occasions where I've managed to persuade her on special occasions - and they've always enjoyed it because it means we get to go to exciting new places rather than stay in a hotel in their home town.

OP posts:
BananaPB · 25/09/2021 21:26

Mine travel an hour and are fine with that. At one point they were doing 4 hours each way but luckily my ex moved closer because that was brutal on my kids who are prone to travel sickness anyway.

At your children's ages, it is their opinion that counts the most. I suspect that they are unbothered whether mum or dad does the travelling with them. On here I've seen people who went the legal route say the parent who moves away does the travelling and each parent does 50/50 so I don't know the likely outcome.

Original poster
CarsonsHat · 25/09/2021 21:28

I'm well aware that there will soon come a time when they'll have weekend plans with their friends, or Saturday jobs. We've talked about it and they know that if that's the case, I'll always accommodate that and fit round them.

At the moment, I'm enjoying every minute of the weekends that they do want to spend with their Dad. Is it worth me trying to get a court to intervene to try and make things a bit fairer?

OP posts:
waitingpatientlyforspring · 25/09/2021 21:28

We visit my brother easily for a weekend. Drive is two hours away.

As ex moved she bares a bigger responsibility to do some of the delivery than you do. At their ages can they do train part or all the way?

BananaPB · 25/09/2021 21:30

Many kids have a 1 hour ish journey to school door to door so I think that it's fine to expect them to travel that far - especially if it's by car rather than a complicated public transport journey with multiple changes. If they were primary school age or younger then I'd say that early on Saturday was better than late on Friday as they'd have an earlier bedtime and falling asleep in the car is going to affect sleep routine.

Original poster
CarsonsHat · 25/09/2021 21:30

I suspect that they are unbothered whether mum or dad does the travelling with them.

The problem is that at the moment, because their mother won't do any travelling, the DCs don't have to travel either because I come to them, and we stay nearby. So a change in the arrangement would be more of a burden on them.

OP posts:
BananaPB · 25/09/2021 21:31

But isn't your house more comfortable than a hotel? You'd have home comforts like perhaps a console, fridge and cooking facilities so they can eat something homemade ?

Pebbledashery · 25/09/2021 21:33

I concur with the previous poster who said at the ages your children are at, rigid court ordered contact isn't going to happen. I would say it'll be whatever your DC want so it's irrelevant asking for examples and case law. Also, at their ages, they are in a pivotal point in education so I would be careful about pushing this through court, you may end up with just the holidays!

BananaPB · 25/09/2021 21:33

Also don't the things that you do become too samey? They might appreciate a change in scenery especially if you live in a different kind of place compared to their mum.

Doyoumind · 25/09/2021 21:35

They're old enough to get public transport surely. How long would that journey be?

Original poster
CarsonsHat · 25/09/2021 21:37

But isn't your house more comfortable than a hotel?

I live 6 hours away from them. I can't bring them all the way back to my house for a weekend. I dearly wish I could. She has removed that option from them.

OP posts:
Original poster
CarsonsHat · 25/09/2021 21:38

Also don't the things that you do become too samey? They might appreciate a change in scenery especially if you live in a different kind of place compared to their mum.

That's one of the reasons I want her to travel with them - so that we can stay in different cities, rather than me having to stay near their home every visit. I can't give them a change of scenery, but she could.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 25/09/2021 21:38

I’m confused. You say you do a 12 hour round trip to see them but also ask if courts would think a 1-2 hour trip by your ex to drop them off would be enforced?

Original poster
CarsonsHat · 25/09/2021 21:39

@Doyoumind

They're old enough to get public transport surely. How long would that journey be?
Too far to travel to my home - but they could travel to a city, where I could meet them.

Their mother refuses to allow them to get the train. She says they're too young.

OP posts:
HelloDulling · 25/09/2021 21:41

When I was growing up, I lived 5 hours from my Dad. I didn’t see him at weekends, but would go for big chunks of the holidays. Three or four weeks at a time. Can you do that combined with your weekend trips? I would think a couple of hours of travelling is okay for a weekend. Not more than that though.

Original poster
CarsonsHat · 25/09/2021 21:42

@Rainbowqueeen

I’m confused. You say you do a 12 hour round trip to see them but also ask if courts would think a 1-2 hour trip by your ex to drop them off would be enforced?
Yes - because I can't ask for them to travel all the way to me. So I'd like her to travel 1-2 hours closer to me, to reduce my travel distance from 6 hours to 4 hours.

I'd still have to rent somewhere for us all to stay, but it relieves the travel burden on me a bit so that I'm not so knackered. It also means we can stay in different places, if she was willing to travel to different places to deliver them to me.

OP posts:
sleepyhoglet · 25/09/2021 21:42

Can you move? 6 hours is a very long way for her to have moved. Perhaps it's too later but this should have been stopped at the time

Pebbledashery · 25/09/2021 21:43

Why didn't you try and stop her from moving at the time by obtaining a prohibited steps order?

Original poster
CarsonsHat · 25/09/2021 21:44

@HelloDulling

When I was growing up, I lived 5 hours from my Dad. I didn’t see him at weekends, but would go for big chunks of the holidays. Three or four weeks at a time. Can you do that combined with your weekend trips? I would think a couple of hours of travelling is okay for a weekend. Not more than that though.
We currently split the holidays 50/50, so I get them for 3 weeks in the summer, and we share half terms.

She won't consider allowing me more of the holidays. I would love to have them for longer in the summer.

OP posts:
Twatterati · 25/09/2021 21:47

I moved away following my divorce. Had to get ex-husbands consent and it was court ordered that I had to undertake all the travel/travel expenses for EOW. Quickest and easiest way was for DCs to do an internal flight from one UK airport to another.

Your ex wife should at the very least be contributing to travel expenses. Did you even want her to move the children away?

It's not just mum's who have rights! Try mediation and see if there can be some agreement, if not then go to court. She's prevented you from going 50:50 if she's moved so far. (In my situation ex couldn't do 50:50 due to his employment and having to be away a lot but I still acknowledged and accepted that by moving away I would need to pay travel expenses).

Original poster
CarsonsHat · 25/09/2021 21:47

Can you move? 6 hours is a very long way for her to have moved. Perhaps it's too later but this should have been stopped at the time

It should. I was badly advised and told to just leave things as they were and let them settle. I was devastated, and didn't know what to do. And now they're settled, it's too late to change things.

OP posts:
RedMarauder · 25/09/2021 21:49

Keep it out of Court.

The Court won't enforce anything for the 15 year old anyway, and the with the younger children it would depend on their mental capacity.

If you keep it out of Court and you maintain your relationship with your kids even though it knackers you, you give your kids the option of moving in with you full-time.

Obviously due to schooling reasons they would only be able to move at certain times but give them that option.

Going to Court and having your ex named as the parent they mainly live with removes that option for your kids until each of them is at least 16.

If there is no Court Order and the kids lived near where you live now ask them if they want to spend their school holidays catching up with old mates, then enable it to happen. Yes you will have to finish work earlier on the days they are around and take days off, but they don't need as much care as younger children.

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