Been accused of parental alienation by psychologist

[Yellowbeans21]

Just looking for some advice please - hearing soon! Currently in court with my daughter's father, and have been for 18 months. Due to covid it has taken a long time.

My daughter aged 9 doesn't want to have contact with him, there was an accident between him and his ex wife. She says he strangled her but in court he was found not guilty, somehow! I've spoken to his ex she is adamant it happened and us girls meet up for coffee etc with her kids too, I trust her version of events.

DD's dad also owns guns for work to kill animals he is a greenkeeper. I am scared he will use them around our daughter. I saw him have them around her when I collected her once from his work place and the barrel was at her throat! Thankfully it was not loaded. He had her killing moles and all sorts!

CAFCASS are really being difficult and won't listen to my daughter. They tried to start contact in a contact centre but she was so scared and worried and wet the bed so I didn't take her. My exes mother threatened me and said she would "get an axe to my head"! So obviously I stopped contact between my dd and grandparents too, that's horrific! I tried to make a complaint about our Cafcass officer and get another officer on our case but they refused. They are happy his guns are safe and he is safe with them - how I don't know! The court ordered a psychologist to evaluate us all costing the Government £6000! So they are serious. This huge 50 Pg report says she is scared, anxious but warmed to the interviewer, they took this as she misses a father figure! She's just a nice girl! They believe I am parentally alienating my daughter and said that if I won't change I should lose my daughter as it's abuse! I can't believe it! And if her dad won't step up he won't gain contact, but that there are no safety concerns regarding him and he came across as "warm" Me however, not so much! Of course I'm on edge, I'm scared and so is our DD. I just want what she wants but no one is listening to her requests. They went in her school without telling me to interview her too! Position statements have been handed in I've asked this be the final hearing because her decision won't change. Her dad has asked for reintroduction of contact building up he is getting a house with a bedroom for her etc. My daughter is refusing any contact and is scared. Her mental health is bad but no one else apparently can see that. Relate did!
Hearing is soon, what do I do? How can I take her to contact when she is so scared? I send a photo and little update every month for her df, I appreciate it isn't what her dad wants but why won't he respect her wishes? Any legal advice very welcome. I can't afford any more solicitors I am in so much debt from this!! I had one before but couldn't keep up payments. It's cost me a fortune!

What you do is gather every single penny you have (beg or borrow if you have to) and instruct a direct access barrister who is versed in domestic abuse and parental alienation - and you instruct them.

I'm afraid there isn't anything anyone online can do to assist you (except maybe offering you handholds and anecdotes) - you NEED a barrister who knows what they are doing and will be able to assess whether there are grounds to debunk the 'expert's' opinion.

I'm not sure why it matters that you didn't know about the school interview? When did she last see her Dad? What exactly is she scared of?

I just don't think it's right they can have access to your children with no warning. I'm her mother and I wasn't informed, it's sneaky. They've tried to trip me up a lot in interviews too, thinking I'm doing things I'm not. They are team dad and it's not on, I thought they were neutral?
The day of the incident with his ex was the last time she saw him. She's scared he could do that to her, what she witnessed that day. He has guns and kills animals and she's such a kind child, she loves animals and is very empathetic! It doesn't sit right with her what he does. She refuses to see him, even in a contact centre, I've explained and told her it will be fun and tried to make it sound like something she shouldn't worry about but she is very anxious and upset. She refuses to call him dad, because she is so scared.

Maybe I do just need a hand hold. I can't afford any legal advice or representation, at all. I'm in debt. I had solicitors at the beginning and I couldn't keep up payments.

Can they really take my daughter from me? Where would she live? She can't live with him she's too scared and she's not seen him for over 2 years!

Ok, deep breath, and step back a moment. Think about why your daughter is worried about visits. Never mind what happened between him and the ex, that is nothing to do with you and does not paint you in a good light getting involved or going out of your way to get stories of his past.
Has anything happened to your daughter during visits, or is it just you telling her "this might happen" or "that might happen" and she's got herself worked up about what ifs because that is what she is hearing from you.
He obviously has guns legally, you can't stop him, and taking her out hunting, while morally wrong, is his way of trying to bond.
This is where you need to put your big girl pants on, put aside what personal issues you have with him because this isn't about you and show her that contact with her dad is ok. You have no reason to say it isn't, or there's some massive backstory missing here. If you do not show willing then the court is going to really throw the book at you here and it will backfire. Do your bit to encourage contact, supervised with you present to begin with, leading to supervised without you, because she has lost her confidence. Unless something specifically happens during that contact, you cannot stop it "just in case". It really does sound like you are projecting your fears onto your daughter and the poor thing has got herself into a state over it. That really isn't fair, and it is your job to fix that.

OP you need to understand how serious this situation is. If they're advising contact in a contact centre to start with, that's a good thing: if your daughter is really afraid of him and not benefiting from that the staff there will see that and note it. If you continue to obstruct it, there really is a real risk of you losing custody and her losing her 'safe space'. Of course it makes sense they interview her in school without giving you a chance to prepare her: that is being neutral. Imagine you were in the other position, and he had somehow got custody and was lying to say she didn't want to see you. Wouldn't you want them to interview her in a neutral space? Just because they're checking out your version thoroughly doesn't mean they're automatically on his side. It sounds like you have possibly not taken the best approach to this so far, I agree with others: now is the time to get specialist advise if you can possibly afford it.

I just don't think it's right they can have access to your children with no warning. I'm her mother and I wasn't informed, it's sneaky.

Thats exactly what dps ex said when caffcass interviewed dss at school. Its only sneaky if you have something to hide, in her case she never had chance to prime him beforehand. He now lives with us full time and has very limited contact with his Mother.

delilahbucket

OPs DD was present when he throttled his ex wife!!! No wonder she's terrified.

That's the thing Cafcass and the psychological report recommend 1 session supervised by the guardian, the Cafcass officer I complained about. This is apparently only going to be supervised so they can watch the reintroduction and how it goes. Then they are saying contact in the community. Then they are saying there is no need to supervise because there are safety no concerns! There are concerns, I listed them in my first post. It's also not good for DD's mental health being in this state it's obviously having a huge impact, she wet herself and hasn't in years. "The professionals" opinion is the same as yours but I've not said anything to my dd about it other than asking her when she has brought it up, what she wants. I don't understand how and why they can take a child from their mother for someone who doesn't even share her surname or has seen her in two years even if he did see her every week before, a lot has changed since! I'm glad they interviewed her in school because then she can say what she wants, some info on the fact they were going would have been nice is all. Does having parental responsibility mean nothing? Even the school, they have sent him reports etc without informing me. It's a lot behind my back.
I really can't afford any legal help. I've asked this be the final hearing, hopefully it will and they respect our DDS wishes and feelings.

You’re also confusing issues.

He has guns and kills animals and she's such a kind child, she loves animals and is very empathetic! It doesn't sit right with her what he does.

This is irrelevant. She’s a child. She doesn’t get to dictate her dads job. He’s a gamekeeper; there are lots of valid environmental reasons why it’s an important job. It’s a perfectly legal profession. Don’t use it as “proof” that he can’t see her or be a decent father.

And take her to the contact centre when they say so!

Even the school, they have sent him reports etc without informing me. It's a lot behind my back.

This is what you need to understand, it is not behind your back, he has just as much right as you do to access school reports, medical reports etc.

He wasn’t convicted of doing that though.

Can I ask if Dad had regular contact before this? Was he a good dad? Any history of violence or was your daughter scared of him before that?

Refusal to take her to the contact centre is obstruction. The order is that he be given contact, it’s not up to you to decide that that’s not going to happen.

From what you’re saying it does sound as if you are projecting some of your own thoughts about him on to your DD, and that isn’t going to help your case.

In a word, yes, they could and might take your DD to live with him if you don’t cooperate.

But you need a specialist lawyer. Not having professional support has a very real risk of going against you in court because you simply don’t have the correct expertise.

They are team dad

They’re not team dad - they’re acting for your daughter. It’s generally best for your daughter. And generally it’s best for children to have contact with both parents, unless there’s a really strong reason otherwise. They’re acting to work out if there is.

The strangling incident is complex because he was legally found not guilty. You’ll need legal advice on that, to be honest.

Him being a gamekeeper isn’t relevant; really. She’ll learn to rationalise that.

You’re clearly scared, and that’s making you feel like everyone is on his side… but that’s not a helpful view. You need to reframe that. Parental alienation is a serious allegation, and you need to be sure that you’re acting in your daughters best interests and making it clear why that is the case, rather than making it difficult for them to have a relationship. Your daughter being scared isn’t enough by itself, it’s natural that she’ll be apprehensive after two years, but with support, she’ll be able to rebuild a relationship with him.

I’ll second that you urgently need a barrister here. You need someone who fully understands why you don’t want that, and if it’s genuinely best, and the law.

Does having parental responsibility mean nothing? Even the school, they have sent him reports etc without informing me. It's a lot behind my back.

What about his parental responsibility?! You don’t seem very bothered about unilaterally quashing that! But I guess it’s OK if she doesn’t “share his surname”

He’s gone from weekly access to no contact at all (did you even consider at least keeping FaceTime contact going?). You’ve cut her off from her father and her paternal grandparents for the last two years. That’s a long time for anyone, least of all a child her age. Is it really that surprising that she’d be getting anxious about starting to see him again? Particularly as I can guarantee she’ll have heard and picked up more of your feelings than you want to admit.

Maybe see if you can get a conversation with these people first, point you in the right direction.

rightsofwomen.org.uk

And as for he wasn't convicted of trying to strangle his partner, oh well that's alright then, the court believed him and not her ...

The thing is, a lot of separated parents will acuse the RP of parental alienation but it takes a lot to prove, if professionals are picking up on this and putting it in their reports there must be some evidence of this happening. I really think you need to step back and look at how you are coming across to all involved. Its not too late to rectify this but you have to be willing to put your own thoughts and feelings aside and show you are willing to do what is best for your dd.

To be honest, it does sound like parental alienation and no doubt you're posting here to get people to believe your side and get some tips on how to keep her away from her Dad. If I'm right, then that is bloody shameful and the main person who will be harmed in all of this will be your daughter.

Sadly your emotional over investment is too obvious... A lot of ifs and maybes... As a dm you are absolutely expected to prepare your dc for contact.. Been there op... Was warned some dm's have actually lost custody with this negative behaviour.. However well meaning they were..

Another one who thinks you've walked yourself right into this situation. You're really not helping you or your DD here, by not taking her to supervised contact, not accepting that the authorities HAVE to be impartial and avoid you coaching her, and not accepting that as her parent he has rights to school reports etc.

It's very unusual for Cafcass - who really are disinterested, whatever you may think - to venture into the realm of PA unless they have sound reasons for so doing. I had a client who was so desperate to stop her daughter going to her father, that she (very obviously) fabricated sexual abuse allegations. It didn't end well for her. I think it's time for some introspection, OP.

That all sounds horrific for you, OP. I am really sorry you and your daughter are going through this and I'm deeply disappointed but not surprised by the attitudes of people who seem to be blaming you.

Someone who strangles their partner and allows their child to hold a gun to their own throat is not a responsible adult anyone would feel safe leaving their child with.

As for the "it's only sneaky if you have something to hide" remark from another post...WTF?! What sort of parent would be happy for total strangers to interview their child at school without their prior consent or knowledge? It's grossly inappropriate.

I know you said you couldn't afford any more legal advice, but that really is the best option. If you can't do this, and you can't get legal aid, then all I can suggest is reading up on the law yourself (this is what my mother had to do in a similar situation) and be prepared for all meetings / calls in advance.

Keep a notebook and pen with you at all times - record the full name and details of anyone in authority you have any interaction with (face-to-face or calls) and note down exactly what they say. Keep all emails and letters in a well ordered file, so you can find everything at a moment's notice. In meetings, politely request if you can record the meeting on your phone, for your own records.

For the hearing and any interaction with officials in any capacity, research in advance what the typical format of the hearing / meeting will be. If you can't find this information online, ask in advance, so you can be prepared. You then need to anticipate all questions and potential actions and be prepared with a well-thought out and reasoned response (backed up by evidence wherever possible i.e. dates and times where your daughter has witnessed violence, the date she held the gun to her throat etc). Have all this information (possible questions and your answers) written down in front of you, so that you can read your answer calmly. It's very easy to get flustered and upset, which some people choose to view as 'aggressive' or 'argumentative' in women.

I would really urge you to explore every avenue for obtaining funding for qualified legal assistance.

www.directaccessportal.co.uk/The-Barristers-Fees

www.gov.uk/legal-aid/eligibility

I sincerely hope everything works out for you and your daughter.

@LobotomisedIceSkatingFan

It's very unusual for Cafcass - who really are disinterested, whatever you may think - to venture into the realm of PA unless they have sound reasons for so doing. I had a client who was so desperate to stop her daughter going to her father, that she (very obviously) fabricated sexual abuse allegations. It didn't end well for her. I think it's time for some introspection, OP.

This! And also this,

The court ordered a psychologist to evaluate us all

It's must be serious for a family court judge to order this.

As for the "it's only sneaky if you have something to hide" remark from another post...WTF?! What sort of parent would be happy for total strangers to interview their child at school without their prior consent or knowledge? It's grossly inappropriate

An innocent one. Its simple really, if you have nothing to hide why would you even bat an eye at caffcas (who works for the child) asking them questions?

@LobotomisedIceSkatingFan

It's very unusual for Cafcass - who really are disinterested, whatever you may think - to venture into the realm of PA unless they have sound reasons for so doing. I had a client who was so desperate to stop her daughter going to her father, that she (very obviously) fabricated sexual abuse allegations. It didn't end well for her. I think it's time for some introspection, OP.

I have to disagree with this - it is not 'very unusual' for some CAFCASS officers to overstep their boundaries and say that something is parental alienation when it isn't. And there are also 'experts' appointed by the court, without relevant qualifications or proper experience, making reports claiming PA when again, it isn't there, it is simply a parent trying to safeguard their child from an abusive parent.

I don't know what is going on with the OP, or the reasons behind her views, but what I do know is that this thread is full of people saying 'if people are saying it, it must be true', and from my experience (and I do a lot of DA work), there aren't that many women who make up allegations of DA, but there are lots of reactive men who make up allegations of PA when they have been accused of DA - it's a smoke screen - and then they seek to persuade everyone around them that they are the victim.

None of us know what camp either the OP, her ex partner, or the child fall into - we just don't know - and often the guardian and the 'expert' won't know either - they'll give their best guess, their opinion, and no one will ever know if it is fact or not until the child is an adult and has the voice to say what happened/made her feel the way she does.

Non fatal strangulation of someone is an unbelievably controlling act - it has been amended into the new DA Act to be a standalone crime, carrying five years imprisonment. Him being found NG, does not mean the family court can't take it into consideration - they can, and should, indeed they MUST, if it has had an impact on the child's welfare.

OP - get a barrister - seriously, this is not something you can do by yourself. Borrow from everyone you know if you have to - you will regret it if you don't have the best representation you can get.

I cannot stress enough that you need an expert in this area.

And for the record - my client base is usually 75% men. Before anyone thinks I generally act for the women in these cases and have a biased view. As a lawyer, I get privileged information from my clients. This is information I know, not think or assume.