Can my ex do this. Help really needed.

[Fireraging]

Name changed for this

Will give bare bones, but exh has been a dad to my daughter since she was 1, she’s 14 now. She’s never seen her real dad in all that time and he is her dad pure and simple, I consider him her dad and I thought he did too.
I have three children by him who are younger.

Ex is taking me to court over access (DV history and long story) but has said he’s not including my daughter in his papers.

This is incredibly hurtful to my daughter who sees this as a rejection of her as his daughter, but I also believe as she is the eldest and most able to verbalise the thoughts of them all it is an attempt to silence her during a Cafcass wishes and feelings (I am going to try for one of these) as the other two children are 9, 7 and 5.

I have also been adamant during access that all four come as a package, because they are a package which he has now obviously decided is not the case.

They don’t stay overnight at his, and I am very concerned for them to stay there without their sister (they are very close) and it would appear he’s willing to split them up to get what he wants. They haven’t been to his house for several years, their home is with me pure and simple.

I get he can’t be forced to see her, that makes him a shitty, lousy person in my opinion, but can any of her thoughts or evidence or worries be included in the court case?

What she says is quite crucial to what I am saying because she is older and sees the situation more clearly than the other children who tread on eggshell round him and are worried he will find out anything they say.

The whole thing smacks of her potentially getting in the way of what he wants, so he is quite willing to trample her feelings and those of the other children in order to get what he wants.

I am livid and so hurt for her, but also scared for the other children who are going to be made to go and stay at his whether they want to or not.

Surely the oldest isn’t included because he has no parental responsibility or legal rights over her?

I can’t quite remember the exact rues but I thought you needed to seek agreement to apply for a child arrangement order for a child you don’t have PR for?

As a PP said, DD14 is a 'child of the family'.

@Spandang

OP if you’re in the West Midlands I can recommend a good McKenzie Friend.

I think I’ve experienced something similar, it’s not the parent who is causing the concerns but it’s someone they are connected to and behaviour the parent is normalising? When it’s most definitely not normal?

Where are you in the court process? Have you had paperwork from him? A FHDR? How long has he been having minimal contact with the children?

Thankyou! Someone who finally gets it. Yes, you have hit the nail on the head and sadly I am not anywhere near there.

Currently he is “preparing his papers”

And for those having a pop at me, to clarify, I did not mention court to my DD, my ex told her that he was taking me to court and not including her. MY EX TOLD HER

I have told her he of course does care about her, but yeah, carry on piling in on me

I did not mention court to my DD, my ex told her that he was taking me to court and not including her. MY EX TOLD HER
In what way though? In a nasty 'I'm not fighting for you in court' or 'you won't be named in court as lm not legally able to?

Hi @Fireraging, sorry you're getting such a bad time on here over this 💐 People don't seem to be able to separate all the issues involved in your situation, they are lucky that they have obviously never experienced what you have. When I finally found the courage to run after nearly 16 years I had to leave my DC behind initially. I spoke to the police, SS and solicitors and explained that whilst I was very unhappy about DC being with him I had no concerns whatsoever about their safety. I was always his target, they were his angels and perfectly safe with him. What I guess I'm trying to say is every situation is different, you (and only you) have to be comfortable with the contact he has with all of your children. Stay strong, you will get through this, you will be stronger and happier and so will all of your children 💐Just keep going, one step at a time x

7catsisnotenough

Thankyou. I just came on to ask if he could do it and I feel I’ve been made out to be this appalling mum who throws her eldest into the lions den to save the youngest, when in actual fact I’m trying to protect them all as best as I can, who made up DV, who has told her eldest to be upset and somehow my ex telling her he was taking me to court is also my fault because no one actually reads anything before joining in.

For me it’s a case that to a certain degree I am going to lose this, I can’t stop him seeing them long term, so it is, as it’s always been, a way to limit the damage as much as I can.

I don’t know quite what I have done to deserve the accusations being thrown at me, but for anyone who ever asks why women don’t leave abusive men this might explain it, nothing my ex has done here has been focused on, but my actions are being picked apart

Just keep going, you're doing the best that you can for your children. Nobody else has walked in your shoes 💐Chin up lovely, you will get through this and come out the other side. Keep posting if it helps x

Agree with all the other posters that it would be quite normal not to include the 14 year old in the CAO application. We did not include DHs eldest as it is unenforceable.. we simply didn't need to 'make her come' at 14 she would come or she wouldn't.. which is exactly what happened. She had a mind of her own and visited us when it was convenient for HER (as it should be at 14)
also within a very short time , a couple of years at the most - she will not want to be 'going to her dads' and hanging out with friends instead in the EXACT same way as she lived at her mums home.. Spending some time with mum and other with mates..

So my question OP is this. Given the others will still be young in a couple of years and eldest not seeing dad regularly as is the norm with this age group.. why waste your energy giving this issue house room. ?

Put ALL you effort into showing why he should not have overnights due to the inappropriate adult at his home.