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Legal matters

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Original poster

Can my ex do this. Help really needed.

59 replies

Fireraging · 05/07/2021 22:00

Name changed for this

Will give bare bones, but exh has been a dad to my daughter since she was 1, she’s 14 now. She’s never seen her real dad in all that time and he is her dad pure and simple, I consider him her dad and I thought he did too.
I have three children by him who are younger.

Ex is taking me to court over access (DV history and long story) but has said he’s not including my daughter in his papers.

This is incredibly hurtful to my daughter who sees this as a rejection of her as his daughter, but I also believe as she is the eldest and most able to verbalise the thoughts of them all it is an attempt to silence her during a Cafcass wishes and feelings (I am going to try for one of these) as the other two children are 9, 7 and 5.

I have also been adamant during access that all four come as a package, because they are a package which he has now obviously decided is not the case.

They don’t stay overnight at his, and I am very concerned for them to stay there without their sister (they are very close) and it would appear he’s willing to split them up to get what he wants. They haven’t been to his house for several years, their home is with me pure and simple.

I get he can’t be forced to see her, that makes him a shitty, lousy person in my opinion, but can any of her thoughts or evidence or worries be included in the court case?

What she says is quite crucial to what I am saying because she is older and sees the situation more clearly than the other children who tread on eggshell round him and are worried he will find out anything they say.

The whole thing smacks of her potentially getting in the way of what he wants, so he is quite willing to trample her feelings and those of the other children in order to get what he wants.

I am livid and so hurt for her, but also scared for the other children who are going to be made to go and stay at his whether they want to or not.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fireraging · 06/07/2021 06:07

Anyone?

OP posts:

YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake · 06/07/2021 06:12

Bluntly, yes he can do this. Unless he legally adopted her, he is not her father and does not have to include her at all. It sucks, but his only LEGAL responsibility towards her was when you were married. Morally he should include her as he has been acting as her father, but he doesn't sound like the sort of person who has Morals

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 06/07/2021 06:20

He wouldn't have to include her even if he was her bio father. It may be that he hasn't included her because she's 14 and he knows full well she wouldn't want to come, so is trying to avoid her views impacting on his application.
Cafcass will hopefully speak to her too. Maybe encourage her to write it all down in a letter to give to them.

sashh · 06/07/2021 06:22

You need proper legal advice.

My only experience of this took place 30+ years ago and was about maintenance. In that case all the children were considered, "children of the family".

Sloaneslone · 06/07/2021 06:23

The problem here is thatvje could claim due to her age, he feels she will be able to choose as and when she comes so felt there was no need to include her.

He could do that even if he was her bio dad.

Bksjshsbbev2737 · 06/07/2021 06:30

Unfortunately he can do this but I’m fairly sure that she can write a statement or something formal to give her views (like a witness type thing) and I’m sure the court would be interested in what she has to say. I’ve seen parents get other adults to do this so can’t see why an older child can’t.

SD1978 · 06/07/2021 06:30

I can understand why this is hurtful to you and your daughter, but you can not force him to include your daughter in the court proceedings. You can't force him to step up with her, although I do understand why this hurts you.

Original poster

Fireraging · 06/07/2021 06:31

Yes, I have got a solicitor regarding the Divorce, but I am trying to self rep for this as much as possible.
I have emailed my solicitor but I often find the Legal boards a wealth of extra knowledge!

She does want to see him and has been seeing him. It’s not that she (or they) don’t want to, it’s that they don’t want to visit or stay at his house.

When I left we had some agencies involved due to why I left and they talked to the children and it was agreed that they didn’t go there.

Now, despite that being the case he is trying to undo all that, and she is obviously able to eloquently state why they are happy to see him but not go there.

He has now decided that the court will “make” them do what he wants because that’s what he does.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fireraging · 06/07/2021 06:34

If he’s not including her then I am interested in her being able to voice what she would have said.

It seems unfair in the extreme that the eldest who is able to express everyone’s feelings now cant because he has sneakily decided not to include her

OP posts:

pumpkinpie01 · 06/07/2021 06:39

So he wants them to stay overnight but you/courts say they shouldn't be ? If he a safe person for them to be around at all ?

Original poster

Fireraging · 06/07/2021 06:43

Courts haven’t said anything yet.
It’s a very long story but there are/were some safeguarding issues when I left.
Since then we have drifted back together on and off but I’ve always stuck to what was agreed and the kids don’t go to his house.

Now he’s trying to change that to overnights (in fact 50%) custody when they have never spent a night with him away from me in several years.

His seeing them has been somewhat sporadic too

OP posts:

Original poster

Fireraging · 06/07/2021 06:44

I am having to be vague as if anyone who knew me saw this it would be obvious who I am and I think his family lurk on here and I have posted about the divorce and issues in here under another name

OP posts:

Sloaneslone · 06/07/2021 06:50

So have you got back together, but not koved back in since the safe guarding issues?

Original poster

Fireraging · 06/07/2021 06:54

We have.
We have not even lived back there and he has rarely been alone with them all.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fireraging · 06/07/2021 06:54

We are now divorcing

OP posts:

Original poster

Fireraging · 06/07/2021 06:56

The main reason I tried again was because of this and so I could protect the children.
All the time ha has me his interest in them is minimal.
Start a divorce? Court and 50% custody attempts

OP posts:

Sloaneslone · 06/07/2021 06:59

Be prepared for him to use the fact that you have restarted your relationship in-between to his advantage.

You oldest is 14. Even of he included them and the court agreed overnights, at 14 no one can actually force them to comply. So even in a divorce with no DV and it all amicable this can happen.

But you can still ask to have her statement included.

Theredjellybean · 06/07/2021 07:01

I'm a bit confused.
You seem to be saying you don't want him to have 50%custody or overnights as there arw concerns about his behaviour, plus you want older d there to effectively protect little ones, as she can speak up.
Yet you are upset he isn't including your older d in his case?
Your upset he is rejecting her.

If you have such huge concerns about him, and need your little ones protected from. Him. Then why push for older d to be included. Be grateful one is safe, and won't have to spend half her time protecting her siblings, which is an unreasonable burden or responsibility for a young teen

Original poster

Fireraging · 06/07/2021 07:05

Yes. I’m ready for that to be brought up and I’m ready with my reasons.
Although I have restarted for my own reasons I have resolutely stuck to what was agreed with the Agency involved.
Despite him asking they’ve not been to his or been allowed to stay over.

The issue was the DV bit also something to do with someone at the property. The issue as such is not 100% him if you get me (sorry it’s so vague but I can’t put it down on here in case they are on here)

OP posts:

Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 06/07/2021 07:05

Cafcass will want to speak to her as an 'involved sibling', so she will get her say whether he likes it or not.

Original poster

Fireraging · 06/07/2021 07:11

@Theredjellybean

I'm a bit confused. You seem to be saying you don't want him to have 50%custody or overnights as there arw concerns about his behaviour, plus you want older d there to effectively protect little ones, as she can speak up. Yet you are upset he isn't including your older d in his case? Your upset he is rejecting her.

Yes I am upset he’s not including her. As I said, they want to see him, but not in the way he wants to see them. The youngest will not want to go without the eldest and she will be worried about them going alone.

No, I do not want him having 50%.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fireraging · 06/07/2021 07:13

I don’t expect her to protect them, but she is a huge part of their lives in all this

OP posts:

berry271909 · 06/07/2021 08:22

I read your first post last night but I didn't want to reply as you won't like my first thoughts after reading your post but you have asked (twice) so:
About your 14 year old daughter going for visits;

"and most able to verbalise the thoughts of them"

Don't you mean verbalise your thoughts ?

"What she says is quite crucial to what I am saying because she is older and sees the situation more clearly than the other children"

Or again sees the situation as you see it?

"The issue was the DV but also something to do with someone at the property"

Does he have a new partner and you are annoyed by that?

Yes, he seems to be behaving like a shitty, lousy person but the court will decide if he is entitled to 50% custody.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 06/07/2021 08:25

She is a' dc of the family' and Cafcass will speak to her.. Even as married he had no legal obligation to your dd.
Being married didn't give him PR unless he applied for it...
His negative attitude towards her wellbeing won't be lolled at favourably though. Sibling relationships are also classed as vital....

Sloaneslone · 06/07/2021 08:31

If there's a dv issue with someone at the property and not him, but this person and him share a property, is it actually likely he will get 50:50?

And wether he includes her or not, her point of view can be included.

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