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Legal matters

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Original poster

Does a parent legally have to be advised of the death of an adult child?

95 replies

Backhills · 02/07/2021 11:32

DH has died. He'd been NC with his parents for nearly 20 years, with good reason.

He'd left a letter for them with instructions to me to post it 3 months after his death. I don't know what it says.

He was very concerned that they will make life difficult for me and DC and did consider not telling them at all.

Anyway, that's all in place, but the funeral director has suggested I have a legal obligation to tell them. I've tried Google and come up completely blank.

Can anyone direct me to the legislation or confirm if fit does/doesn't exist? If I do have to tell them, do I need to do it now or can it wait 3 months as DH requested?

OP posts:

AliceMcK · 02/07/2021 16:32

Please don’t listen to people trying to put emotional pressure on you to contact them, let it drift back to them etc… your DH made his wishes clear, please respect them.

I am NC with my mother and other family, I would be so hurt and angry if I thought my DH wasn’t going to respect my wishes and not do as I’ve asked, which is not to let my family know at all if anything happens to me.

He has chosen to not tell them and wait 3 months for a reason. He knows them best.

longtompot · 02/07/2021 16:53

@whensmynexthol1day

As bad as it sounds I also agree with reading the letter in case they try and tell you it says something it didn't - eg dh wanted us to reestablish contact with the dgs or similar. As much as you would know that this was highly unlikely you wouldn't actually know.

I was going to say just this. I would open the letter just so I knew what was in it, and that they couldn't say something was written which wasn't iyswim.

Lovelydovey · 02/07/2021 17:07

When arranging my parents funerals, there was a strange box on the cremation forms asking if everyone who needed to know knew that they would be cremated and was content.

I told the funeral director that this request was in their wills and therefore it was nobody else’s business, but yes my siblings were aware. I didn’t tell anybody else about the cremation decision although my uncle did later ask whether they if requested this or if I had made the decision.

Could it be something like that? where the funeral director has concerns that they could later come
under criticism for allowing cremation?

Lovelydovey · 02/07/2021 17:08

Ps I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you have lots of real life support.

FlyingBattie · 02/07/2021 17:25

This is a horrible situation for you.
I would follow his wishes- and not be drawn into any discussion about it, hard as it may be.

mrslimpet · 02/07/2021 17:29

It's this, 'Application for cremation' form, known as a 'cremation 1 form'

Does a parent legally have to be advised of the death of an adult child?

Original poster

Backhills · 02/07/2021 17:39

Ok, so the box was ticked no because the FD "didn't hear" although I did give her some of the details because I was concerned that official documents should be correct and I've signed it. Does it matter?

OP posts:

mrslimpet · 02/07/2021 17:55

Bless you, don't worry. There won't be any come back from this.
We always tick 'yes' and never had any problems.
Take care of yourself now and don't worry about anyone else.

mrslimpet · 02/07/2021 17:55

Meant to say tick 'no'

Datsandcogs · 02/07/2021 18:27

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I’m no expert but I’d be very surprised if there is anything legal to force you to tell his parents.

Personally I would read his note, so they can’t hold anything over you about it or the situation with DH.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

whataboutgus · 02/07/2021 19:24

Technically , you are telling them. Just not straight away

Funeral numbers are limited at the moment, so why would you want strangers there?

Sorry for your loss

Justilou1 · 03/07/2021 05:50

Honestly, as someone who totally understands being NC with parents, it sounds like there was a valid reason for this alienation. Your DH has written this letter to try and ensure that they understand that it was his decision to remain NC and not notify them of his death in an effort to protect you and your DC. You doubt that they will believe that or respect his wishes anyway. Personally, I wouldn’t bother telling them, but I would remove the letter from the envelope just in case they ever find out and things get ugly. Your DC may be old enough to have had conversations with their Dad where he explicitly told them that he didn’t want to be in contact with these people too, so if there was ever a legal situation (unlikely) I am sure that they would be heard.

Normaigai · 03/07/2021 06:08

OP - you need to resign with 'yes' ticked and an explanation. The Funeral Director 'not hearing' is (a) rediculous and (b) irrelevant because it's you making this statement and not her. Appalling advice from the FD and I would report her. By signing that form you've made a statutory declaration that everything on it is true. There's no legal obligation to tell the parents but you can't lie that you have.

This is on the form to prevent (eg) a friend making the application when there are close relatives who would disagree who have the legal right to decide. You're his wife so you do get to decide, not his parents, so not an issue here but you need to be truthful.

Normaigai · 03/07/2021 06:09

Although I should say if you've signed and it would be a massive hassle to sign again then I can't see how this would ever come back to bite you.

Mandalay246 · 03/07/2021 06:46

I'm so sorry to hear the sad news OP. The funeral director was out of line - you are the next of kin and I can't see why there would be a legal obligation to advise his parents. Follow his wishes, I'm sure he knew what he was doing.

Mandalay246 · 03/07/2021 07:01

@DonLewis - what a bizarre situation! If the undertakers wouldn't send me an invoice then the bill wouldn't be paid by me - their choice! Why couldn't your DF's partner pay anyway? If I had a partner who died and I was organising the funeral I would expect to pay for it (if no funds from the estate were available, as in your case).

bengalcat · 03/07/2021 07:17

Sorry for your loss .
No legal obligation to tell his parents and it’s my view that his desire was not to tell his parents then that’s perfectly compatible with the FD’s suggestion you have told all that NEED to know .

I would fulfil his wishes by forwarding his letter in three months . Personally I’d read said letter however if you choose not to then that’s fine and you can clearly say with a clear conscience in the future that you had no knowledge of its contents .

JaninaDuszejko · 03/07/2021 07:27

The form says 'near relatives'. What is the legal definition of 'near relative'? Do parents who have been estranged for 20 years count? Were they even at your wedding and have they met your children? Don't worry about the form and hopefully they don't know where you live and his letter doesn't tell them. Does he even know if they are definitely still alive?

frumpety · 03/07/2021 07:30

So sorry for your loss.

As far as the letter goes, and I know this isn't what you asked about, I wonder if you could get it photocopied and held by a trusted friend or solicitor, you don't need to read it, but it will be there should there be any come back from his parents.

RedHelenB · 03/07/2021 08:28

@AngelDelightUk there was no need to read those letters. You didn't need to know what to say, you just needed to say I've got a letter from him for you. I really think that given the OP obviously had a very close relationship that she will just stuck the letter in the post after 3 months like she promisef.

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