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Legal matters

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Original poster

Does a parent legally have to be advised of the death of an adult child?

95 replies

Backhills · 02/07/2021 11:32

DH has died. He'd been NC with his parents for nearly 20 years, with good reason.

He'd left a letter for them with instructions to me to post it 3 months after his death. I don't know what it says.

He was very concerned that they will make life difficult for me and DC and did consider not telling them at all.

Anyway, that's all in place, but the funeral director has suggested I have a legal obligation to tell them. I've tried Google and come up completely blank.

Can anyone direct me to the legislation or confirm if fit does/doesn't exist? If I do have to tell them, do I need to do it now or can it wait 3 months as DH requested?

OP posts:
AmberIsACertainty · 02/07/2021 12:16

I think if there's a will somewhere with a beneficiary in it who is dead, the money/assets that would have gone to the deceased beneficiary go to that deceased person's nearest living relatives instead.

GetTaeFuck · 02/07/2021 12:16

Fuck that, don’t tell them.

I’m NC with mine and they would cause fucking havoc at my funeral if I died before them, there are strict instructions not to tell them or allow them into the funeral should they find out through other means.

namechange30455 · 02/07/2021 12:16

I would ask the funeral director to forward you a link as a PP says. Pretty sure this is absolute bollocks though.

namechange30455 · 02/07/2021 12:17

Clicked post too soon - meant to say as well, so sorry for your loss OP Flowers

AmberIsACertainty · 02/07/2021 12:20

Sorry I meant to quote a PP with my reply above.

Anyway OP I'm sorry for you loss and I wouldn't worry about the funeral directors comments other than to raise a complaint if you liked because they shouldn't be causing unnecessary distress to grieving relatives, so it's awful you had to experience that at this difficult time. I'd also read the letter from your DH, just to make sure it's not going to bring drama to your door, before you send it. The PIL sound like unpleasant people. Although perhaps they don't know where you live anyway if DH was NC.

MaBroon21 · 02/07/2021 12:25

Op, I wouldn’t want any part of this and all the more so if I didn’t know what was in the letter. Granted it’s your husbands last words to his parents but it would have been much better if he’d asked a lawyer to pass the letter on after being informed of his death by a trusted friend.

I’m sorry you’re husband has passed away.

Original poster
Backhills · 02/07/2021 12:30

Thanks all. I think DH's letter will just be an attempt to tell them none of this was my fault, which they won't believe and to ask them to leave me and DC on peace. It's not long, I gave him a choice of note cards to write it on and he picked the tiny one!

The will is straightforward and doesn't involve them. There's a remote possibility he may be in their will.

The funeral director wasn't being difficult or judgemental, it was one of the questions on her tick sheet, which she glossed over when I said yes, actually, there are parents who don't know. She said she was going to pretend she hadn't heard, but then asked me to sign the document saying everyone who needed to be had been advised. I plan to carry out his wishes, but not to the extent that it makes me a law breaker!

OP posts:
MaBroon21 · 02/07/2021 12:43

Thanks all. I think DH's letter will just be an attempt to tell them none of this was my fault, which they won't believe and to ask them to leave me and DC on peace. It's not long, I gave him a choice of note cards to write it on and he picked the tiny one!

What a mess, Backhills. I feel for you very much.

Is there any way your in-laws will find out that their son has passed away. Could you perhaps just let it filter back to them and if they contact you say I have a letter for you, even if 3 months haven’t passed.

I’ve left instructions to my children and a friend that when my time comes my husband, we’re not together but we’re not divorced, is not to be allowed at my funeral as I won’t have him there crying crocodile tears and I can well understand your husbands wishes. But, my husband will know I’ll have died and I think that makes a difference. There’s no chance he’d only hear about it when out at the shops.

I’m really sorry you have this to think about on top of your heartbreak.

TiredButDancing · 02/07/2021 12:43

The key word in her checklist is "need". His parents don't need to know so you're in the clear.

Gingernaut · 02/07/2021 12:46

As your husband made his wishes known, I'd go along with that.

There's no legal obligation to inform the family of deceased fully grown adults of their deaths, but there may be something about financial dependents.

Abouttimemum · 02/07/2021 12:51

DH is nc with his mother (20+years) and he’d be horrified if she turned up at his funeral. I’ll 100% not be telling her. Someone will though, because people struggle to keep their beaks out.
I’m really sorry for your loss OP x

DonLewis · 02/07/2021 12:53

The only legal obligation is that the death is legally registered.

When my dad died the undertakers were dreadful. I am NC with his partner but because I was nok I was paying the funeral bill, but she was organising it. I needed an invoice and they just wouldn't send me one. (I needed it because he died intestate with thousands and thousand of pounds worth of debt). They tried to tell me that I had no right to the invoice. It became horribly messy.

So I hold undertakers and the weird rules they make up in low esteem. Well, this particular branch of co-op undertakers anyhow.

Bargebill19 · 02/07/2021 13:01

Sorry for your loss.
But you are going to tell them, just not straight away, so a) non of the funeral directors business and b) really not a problem.

20questions · 02/07/2021 13:43

You have no legal obligation. I understand about respecting your husband's wishes but maybe - understandably - he hadn't really thought through the implications for you and the children.
He was non contact for 20 years for very good reason. No-one does this unless there is no choice.
Notifying them will stir the beast.
Protect yourself and your children...

BiBabbles · 02/07/2021 13:46

Some are downright dreadful at making up laws and rules, but I think this is a 'I'm just not going to get involved in that' by 'pretending' not to hear something situation, but saying it aloud might make someone double think if in a different situation where someone still needs to be told before signing something. They can't know who is in the will and needs to told and this is probably the easiest way of trying to push on that to cover themselves without actually pushing on it.

Babygotblueyes · 02/07/2021 13:48

There is no legal obligation. There is no moral obligation but some people will feel they have a right to know. Had this with estranged siblings when my mother died - I did let them know, but tbh it was a pain in the neck for no good reason and if it happened again I would not bother.

Justilou1 · 02/07/2021 13:56

I imagine that if your DH is mentioned in their will, then his share will be divided between his kids. I would just let sleeping dogs lie.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 02/07/2021 13:59

DonLewis, I hope you refused to pay the bill! The person paying for it, is the person entitled to an invoice.
OP, personally I would read that letter just so that you have a heads up. The send it when your DH asked you to. His wishes are what matters. The funeral directors work for you, since you are paying the bill, not his parents. Now I do think that generally parents ought to be informed of these things but it very much depends on what they've done - sometimes people behave so badly that they lose the right to any consideration. Your DH knew them best so I'd trust his judgement of them.

MrsMoastyToasty · 02/07/2021 14:01

Personally, if it was my dh who had died, I would open the letter (but wait until after the dust has settled) and read it. If there's nothing to be gained by sending it then don't.

Iluvperegrines · 02/07/2021 14:07

Agree with @MrsMoastyToasty there is no way I’d send the letter without checking what was in it, so I’d be ready for anything that might happen

Viviennemary · 02/07/2021 14:08

I wpuld check the letter too. Even if it meant steaming it open.

AmberIsACertainty · 02/07/2021 14:15

@DonLewis

The only legal obligation is that the death is legally registered.

When my dad died the undertakers were dreadful. I am NC with his partner but because I was nok I was paying the funeral bill, but she was organising it. I needed an invoice and they just wouldn't send me one. (I needed it because he died intestate with thousands and thousand of pounds worth of debt). They tried to tell me that I had no right to the invoice. It became horribly messy.

So I hold undertakers and the weird rules they make up in low esteem. Well, this particular branch of co-op undertakers anyhow.

I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you weren't duped in this situation and that it was by mutual consent.

For others reading this I'll say there's no legal requirements for nearest relative to pay for a funeral, anyone can pay, such as an unmarried partner. NOK isn't a legal term. The person paying is who the funeral directors should be listening to regarding the arrangements.

EleanorOlephantisjustfine · 02/07/2021 14:19

There’s no legal obligation for anyone to tell his parents. You’re his next of kin. It’s up to you (and I’m keeping with his wishes I presume) to decide whether to tell them.

QueeniesCroft · 02/07/2021 14:30

I wouldn't read a private letter written by a living person, so I certainly wouldn't open one which was left behind by someone who had died! I'm slightly horrified by the suggestion, to be honest.

whensmynexthol1day · 02/07/2021 14:30

As bad as it sounds I also agree with reading the letter in case they try and tell you it says something it didn't - eg dh wanted us to reestablish contact with the dgs or similar. As much as you would know that this was highly unlikely you wouldn't actually know.