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Original poster

Does a parent legally have to be advised of the death of an adult child?

95 replies

Backhills · 02/07/2021 11:32

DH has died. He'd been NC with his parents for nearly 20 years, with good reason.

He'd left a letter for them with instructions to me to post it 3 months after his death. I don't know what it says.

He was very concerned that they will make life difficult for me and DC and did consider not telling them at all.

Anyway, that's all in place, but the funeral director has suggested I have a legal obligation to tell them. I've tried Google and come up completely blank.

Can anyone direct me to the legislation or confirm if fit does/doesn't exist? If I do have to tell them, do I need to do it now or can it wait 3 months as DH requested?

OP posts:
MurielSpriggs · 02/07/2021 14:36

@whensmynexthol1day

As bad as it sounds I also agree with reading the letter in case they try and tell you it says something it didn't - eg dh wanted us to reestablish contact with the dgs or similar. As much as you would know that this was highly unlikely you wouldn't actually know.
If they claim the letter says something to their advantage which they then demand you comply with then at that point you can insist on seeing the letter before agreeing it.

Personally I would absolutely not read a private letter, particularly a very sensitive one, particularly where someone very dear had entrusted it to me after he was no longer able to intervene himself.

ClosedAuraOpenMind · 02/07/2021 14:41

just coming on to say that my DGF wasn't informed of the death of my DF. totally different circumstances as DGF had fairly advanced dementia at the time, and lacked the capacity to retain/understand the information. after a family discussion staff in DGFs nursing home agreed and supported this decision
sorry for your loss - agree with others that you have to do what's best for you now and it sounds like that's not telling them

TableFlowerss · 02/07/2021 14:46

Don’t know about legal obligation. Moral obligation perhaps buy then it could be argued if you go against you DH wishes, you’re not upholding your moral obligation to carry out his wishes.

Tough situation op. It’s not like he’s still alive and if they knew today they could go see him one last time. Sadly he’s passed so nothing can be done on their part.

I think I would be inclined to wait and follow DH wishes tbh but totally understandable if you don’t

MaBroon21 · 02/07/2021 14:47

I’d hate to be the person who very innocently offers condolences to a mother and father who don’t even know their son has passed away.

ItsallBollocksanyway · 02/07/2021 14:55

Sorry for your loss.
There may be a legal requirement to ensure family are informed before releasing a name to the press when someone dies in tragic circumstances but I can't imagine why it would be a requirement to carry out a funeral.
As the funeral director doesn't know your personal circumstances they may be covering themselves should your DHs parents later claim he had expressed that they play a certain role in his funeral/certain burial wishes and that the funeral director is at fault. People sue for the maddest of things these days so it may be because of that?

Crockof · 02/07/2021 14:57

@QueeniesCroft

I wouldn't read a private letter written by a living person, so I certainly wouldn't open one which was left behind by someone who had died! I'm slightly horrified by the suggestion, to be honest.
Thank God. I'm more than slightly horrified but if I remember the op correctly I can't see that it would be a suggestion they agreed with.

I am so sorry for your loss. Everyone who needs to know does.

RaindropsOnRosie · 02/07/2021 14:58

If you feel it's better, you could send the letter after his funeral. If they have no way of knowing when/where it will be you could send it as soon as you like.

My sister was in a similar situation with her wife, and only told her wife's parents the day after the funeral. There is no legal obligation to tell anyone but as you have a letter you'll be covered anyway.

I'm so very sorry for yours and your children's loss.

AngelDelightUk · 02/07/2021 15:04

I think I’m on the brigade that I would read it too. I lost my DH three years ago and he has two estranged adult children. He left me letters for them in case they ever got in touch, and I’ve read those. Just so I then know what to say to them should they ever contact me. I highly doubt it though, it’s been about 15 years

Ginevere · 02/07/2021 15:10

My father is dead, but we were NC and I’d be absolutely furious to find out my husband had invited him to my funeral.

Respect your husbands wishes OP, don’t tell them a thing. You’ve done nothing wrong or illegal. So sorry for your loss xx

C8H10N4O2 · 02/07/2021 15:20

She said she was going to pretend she hadn't heard

What a weird thing to say, its absolutely none of her business and entirely up to you as the nok/funeral organiser who you want notified. I've never been asked to sign a form for an undertaker to confirm everyone has been notified, is this in E&W?

As for sending the letter - that's up to you unless he has put it in his will. I guess it depends on the back story with the family and age of children etc and whether you think its going to cause you more grief.

TitsInAbsentia · 02/07/2021 15:29

FD is wrong, don't let anyone force their family values/morals on to your situation. Do right by your DH. sorry for your loss x

Notaroadrunner · 02/07/2021 15:36

So sorry for your loss. Don't tell them. You can do without them turning up and making it all about them. I agree with pp and I too would read the note because I'd want to know if it was going to directly affect me going forward. It's not disrespectful, nothing to be horrified by. It's a self preservation measure to ensure his parents have nothing to do with you ever again. Take care during this very difficult time Flowers

AcrossthePond55 · 02/07/2021 15:37

I'm on the side of 'read the letter'. I'm sorry but I can't imagine my DH writing a letter for me to mail to someone after his death without him showing it to me first. Especially since the letter involves me directly and I'd be in the first line of fire if/when the shit hits the fan.

I don't mean to criticize him as I'm sure his motives were good, but I consider it a little unfair.

TheRebelle · 02/07/2021 15:46

No, there’s no legal requirement, I mean can you imagine someone being fined or sent to prison because they didn’t tell someone that they have no contact with that someone had died?!

Zilla1 · 02/07/2021 15:47

Sorry for your loss, OP. I suspect it will depend on jurisdiction. If in England and Wales, I'm not aware of any. Next of kin would need to know. Perhaps ask the FD to show you. I suspect they are jus trying to manage the risk of a parent kicking off at them. If they can't show you the legislation then firmly make clear that you and your children have good reasons and will not let it lay if they informally tell the parents. You will also expect them to manage any unwelcome attendees at the service.

Sorry again for your loss and good luck for things progressing as smoothly as possible.

I know you will want to respect your partner's wishes but if it were me, I would read the letter and reseal this. I know this will be inappropriate but it may enable you to protect yourself and your family as when they truck up, you won't know what they've been told.

AmberIsACertainty · 02/07/2021 15:49

@whensmynexthol1day

As bad as it sounds I also agree with reading the letter in case they try and tell you it says something it didn't - eg dh wanted us to reestablish contact with the dgs or similar. As much as you would know that this was highly unlikely you wouldn't actually know.
Although in that case it wouldn't legally matter what the deceased parent wanted, it would be up to the living parent alone to make a decision in the DGC best interests.
AlternativePerspective · 02/07/2021 15:49

I wouldn't read a private letter written by a living person, so I certainly wouldn't open one which was left behind by someone who had died! I'm slightly horrified by the suggestion, to be honest. the OP is the one who will potentially be dealing with any fallout of this letter. It’s hardly fair to put that on her without her knowing what she is potentially up against.

The DH already said that the parents could make things difficult for the OP and her DC, I don’t imagine that this is going to be any less the case 3 months on, so the OP IMO has the right to know exactly what it is that’s potentially going to come back on her.

I’m sure the DH had the best of intentions, and thought that he was dealing with all this, but in truth he’s not here to deal with it, so it’s a bit unfair to expect the OP to go in blind.

AmberIsACertainty · 02/07/2021 15:54

@QueeniesCroft

I wouldn't read a private letter written by a living person, so I certainly wouldn't open one which was left behind by someone who had died! I'm slightly horrified by the suggestion, to be honest.
Neither would I, ordinarily, but if I was about to make contact with what sounds like toxic people I'd want to be absolutely certain that I wanted to make that contact and I couldn't make that decision without knowing what that contact entails. This is because I consider protecting myself and DC from toxic people to be more important than just about anything, including the wishes of a dead person. I'd need to know that I could make the requested contact whilst also simultaneously protecting myself from them.
RedMarauder · 02/07/2021 15:57

Sorry for your loss OP.

If any of your children are under 12 I would delay sending the letter until they are 12 not just for 3 months. I would also steam open and read the letter.

Only because you don't want his parents trying to force and then threatening you with lawyers so they can have contact with your children.

MaBroon21 · 02/07/2021 15:59

@AcrossthePond55

I'm on the side of 'read the letter'. I'm sorry but I can't imagine my DH writing a letter for me to mail to someone after his death without him showing it to me first. Especially since the letter involves me directly and I'd be in the first line of fire if/when the shit hits the fan.

I don't mean to criticize him as I'm sure his motives were good, but I consider it a little unfair.

Yes. This is it In a nutshell.
aiwblam · 02/07/2021 16:02

OP you are the living person and you have to deal with any fallout front delivering the letter. Your dh was probably very well intentioned when he wrote it, but it’s possible that sending it will cause you some problems. He probably wrote it out of decency. But you do have the right to open that, read it, and most probably decide against sending it.

I’m very sorry for your loss. But you must now put yourself and your children first and above your DH’s good intentions and above anything to do with your estranged PILs. Might they have died in the intervening 20 years?

LadyLolaRuben · 02/07/2021 16:02

Funeral director is just ticking a box to prompt you to ensure everyone who needs to know does know. You've done that within the scope of your husband's request. There's no law on this. Funeral Director needs to mind her own business. Trust your husband's judgement he clearly knows how to handle his family and its his last effort to protect you. Take care x

Iwantcauliflowercheese · 02/07/2021 16:10

Thank you @Backhills for your post. I'm so sorry for your loss. My DH is estranged from his elder child. The younger is the other side of the world and very difficult. He wants no funeral. just an early morning slot at the crem without anyone there or anyone knowing for fear his "D"C cause me harassment and problems. I will, when the time comes, tell the FD that everyone who needs to be told, has been. As we are married, I'm his NOK. I hope you've had the answers you need. This has helped me too.

mrslimpet · 02/07/2021 16:28

I imagine that it was the Cremation 1 form that the funeral director was filling in on your behalf.
You will see, if you google it, Part 3 asks if any near relatives have not been informed of the planned cremation.
This is a legal declaration

mrslimpet · 02/07/2021 16:29

Also, so sorry you have lost your dh xx