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Legal matters

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

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Original poster

Am I being reasonable in family law issue?

72 replies

JoJo2106 · 26/05/2021 13:11

Hi,

I was wondering if I could get some quick advice from someone in the know.

I have a 3 year old son and have a child arrangement order with my sons dad. This is currently every weekend at the moment and has been for the last 2 years. Ds was only around 16 months old when the order was made so obviously not in school etc so every weekend was granted. This has worked fine up to now, but ds is obviously getting older and he now goes to nursery 4 days a week and his dad still has every weekend. He doesn't start school until next year when he's 5 and I happened to mention to his dad in the contact book about alternate weekends once ds is in school. The legal adviser in court 2 years ago was the one that had said it will change once ds is in school. She actually asked me at the time if I was working as i think she would have advised for alternate weekends straight away but I'm not working as I am medically signed off due to severe endometriosis. So she left it as it was at every weekend but did mention it can and will change as our situation changes ie: ds going to school.

My ex has no recollection of this clearly judging by his response as he said he will never ever agree to alternate weekends and that I have to take him to court, hes already told me he wont agree to it in mediation either so it will go to court he said. I have basically said to him do you honestly expect me just to take ds to school and pick him up again 5 days a week and he has every weekend still and by the sound of it this is exactly what he expects.

I was under the impression once ds started school it would change to alternate weekends, possibly a midweek if dad is able and half of all school holidays. Am.i been unreasonable in thinking this is what might happen once ds starts school. I would basically just be back and forward to school 5 days a week, making meals putting to bed and that is it. All while his dad had all the fun every single weekend.

Can anyone help me with this to let me know if I'm thinking along the right lines. I'm so stressed out by how selfish and nasty he has been to me in the contact book. It's more or less been made all about him and not the interests of our son.

Thanks in advance and sorry for rambling on

OP posts:

supermodel · 26/05/2021 13:14

I think you are thinking on the right lines, what you suggest would be the usual pattern of contact for a school age child.

Soontobe60 · 26/05/2021 13:15

The issue is that you are suggesting your ds has less time with his father, I can’t see courts agreeing to that.
I’d suggest a 50/50 split Friday to Friday

Mooselaurels · 26/05/2021 13:17

If it's in the court order and the father isn't of a mind to change things, then it sounds like you will need to apply to vary the order.

On the plus side you have very high chances of success, I think the father will struggle to argue that it's in the child's best interests to have no weekends with the mother.

Original poster

JoJo2106 · 26/05/2021 13:22

@soontobe60 the court advisor was the one who said it would change. Surely it can't be right that I have no social time whatsoever with ds. That means I just take him back and forward to school and that's it. I wouldn't be able to even take him to a play area or a day away or anything. My solicitor at the time had said it would all change once ds was in school. And he said the reason the courts do that is so the resident parent is just doing all the school runs etc and get no social time with their child. My ex can't do 50/50 due to work. He would get half of all school holidays too though which he doesn't get now.

OP posts:

Original poster

JoJo2106 · 26/05/2021 13:25

@supermodel yes this is what I thought. My solicitor at the time said a pretty standard arrangement is every other weekend, something midweek and half of all school holidays.

OP posts:

Original poster

JoJo2106 · 26/05/2021 13:28

@mooselaurels yes it does sound like it, it states in out order that we cant just simply apply back to court we have to attempt to solve things at mediation, and my ex has already said he won't agree.

Yes I'm hoping I would be successful, ds deserves to have some quality time with me too not just me taking him to school 5 days a week and then spending every weekend with dad.

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 26/05/2021 13:28

Go back to your solicitor and start the process now OP and ask to vary the order and offer EOW, 1 night midweek and half the school holidays.

He has told you to do that so just do it

Original poster

JoJo2106 · 26/05/2021 13:33

@Quartz2208 see DS doesn't actually start school until next year so it wouldn't really apply just yet. Or can I get it in the order so it's all prepared for next year when DS starts school? I really really didn't think we would have to go back to court, mediation should be where we can sort things but he just won't. Unfortunately everything is battle with him.

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 26/05/2021 13:45

Get legal advice better to start it now than later

Totallyrandomname · 26/05/2021 13:51

I think what you are requesting is reasonable and a fairly standard arrangement.

He so selfish to thing he can have the fun weekend every week while you do the school runs, homework etc.

Are you communicating in writing so you can show you tried to come to an amicable arrangement. If I were you I’d just be clear that you are happy to go to court if he will not discuss altering arrangements to adapt to changing needs:

bigbaggyeyes · 26/05/2021 13:54

Get legal advise and then take it down the route they recommend. You may have to go to mediation and for that to fail before you go to court, but this is the process to follow. A judge will simply rule in what's best for the child and I doubt he'll think no weekend time with Mum is good

purpleboy · 26/05/2021 13:55

It's absolutely reasonable, and I would start the ball rolling sooner rather than later, I'm not sure how long these things take to go to court. But might aswell get it in place so your son can get used to the change before he starts school.

Aprilwasverywet · 26/05/2021 13:58

Make the appointment at mediation.. If he is a no show then he isn't helping himself. They will write down he didn't attend. Then apply to court.. ASAP. Does he pay Cms?

Collaborate · 26/05/2021 14:03

You need to apply a good 9-12 months before the child starts school.

The legal advisor saying it will change when the child starts school does not mean it changes automatically.

LivingLaVidaCovid · 26/05/2021 14:04

Start the process now.
Make a mediation appointment and offer him every other weekend and mid-weeks up to 50 /50 if he doesn't accept he will look like the difficult one and you can use it later of it goes to court.
It is not in the child's best interest to have no weekend time with you at all.

Honeyroar · 26/05/2021 14:07

I feel sorry for the father. At present you have your son five days a week and he has him two days. Now you’re expecting him to cut his contract by 50% - which will mean he sees his son an average of one day a week. If anyone is not getting fair contact it’s him.

Original poster

JoJo2106 · 26/05/2021 15:28

@honeyroar so my role as his mother is just to take him back and forward to school 5 days a week, cook his meal, put him to bed and I get up the next day and do the same thing again. What happens when I go back to work does he still get every weekend then? And his dad gets all the fun quality time on a weekend and my son and I get to do nothing together other than school runs?

OP posts:

AndroidsAliensAndWizards · 26/05/2021 15:41

I know it's quite standard for some dads to only have their kids every other weekend but I can also see why a Dad will not want to reduce contact.

I think it's unfair that you don't get any weekend relaxing time and days out etc and do all the physical harder stuff mon to Friday. A fairer split would be 50/50 or at least instead of Friday and Saturday every weekend his dad does maybe two weekday nights every other week. So he's getting some of day too day stuff and you get some of the fun stuff.

Original poster

JoJo2106 · 26/05/2021 15:42

@Aprilwasverywet yes he pays cms. He didn't pay at first but the cms have made him basically.

OP posts:

Original poster

JoJo2106 · 26/05/2021 15:47

@AndroidsAliensAndWizards yes I can understand it but it also isn't fair as you say I get no down time on a weekend with DS. And yet his dad had every single weekend to go off and do things or even days away. If he has every weekend his whole school life which is what he wants, then what kind of life do me and DS have together other than me doing school runs.

His dad's work is usually working away mon to fri so he cant do midweek. This is why we don't have 50/50 as it's not possible. But my son and I shouldn't have to miss out on quality time together because of that either.

OP posts:

Original poster

JoJo2106 · 26/05/2021 15:50

@collaborate oh I wasn't even aware of that, that you need to apply that far in advance. Why is that then? No I didn't think it would be automatic I was just pointing out that the court advisor had said it can and will change as child gets older. I assumed we would be able to sort it in mediation but he has said no it will go to court as he won't agree to alternate weekends.

OP posts:

Retrievemysanity · 26/05/2021 15:58

You need to get proper legal advice now and your ex needs to be realistic about it. I have a few friends who are separated from their DC’s dad and all of them do alternate weekends, a night in the week and holidays split-that seems to be pretty standard.

Original poster

JoJo2106 · 26/05/2021 16:01

@Totallyrandomname I'm pleased most people are seeing where I am coming from thank you. We do have a communication book which is filled in weekly when DS goes with his dad, but the part few months we have also been texting aswell incase there needed to be something to arrange like holiday time etc rather than waiting a week for a reply back in the book, but I think now after the back and forward texting that went on last night I think it would be wise we went back to the contact book and stopped the texts altogether. All I got was stuff that has been and gone and happened in the past when we were going through court. The bitterness is horrible from him, I couldn't be anymore amicable about things with him, and I always try and accommodate his situation because of work and this is what I get.

OP posts:

Aprilwasverywet · 26/05/2021 16:04

Please please once you get this next court order in place try very hard not to ask him 'favours' and to swap days etc. Sticking to it is so much less stressful to you and therefore the dc... I once wrote out a year ahead in 2 calendars and gave one to ex... Tbh we never contacted each other after that.
Over 6 7 years ago now!
Dc went nc with him about 5 years ago.
Finally saw through him.

Original poster

JoJo2106 · 26/05/2021 16:06

@retrievemysanity I have literally just got off the phone with my previous solicitors firm and they have arranged a telephone appointment for me tomorrow afternoon just for some initial advice and it won't cost me anything either which is good.

Yes I'm the same I know lots of people who are seperated and they all do alternate weekends too and half the holidays etc. Its just not right that he even thinks my son and I have literally no fun time together at all. I'm feeling quite optimistic after reading most of these comments.

OP posts:

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