Child contact | Mumsnet

gizmosslave · 2021-04-18T07:50:58+00:00

My Husband has left me, he is requesting contact of our kids 3&1 Sunday night to Wednesday morning. Which I'm not agreeable to. Especially with the baby & I don't want to split them up. He has a history of drug use & mental health issues, there have been social services reports 3 times due to his drug use. Is it likely a court if we went to one would force this? I don't want to be away from my young kids for 3 nights. He also will be sharing a room with them, whcih will be one single bed and a travel cot. Since he has left both kids have co slept, the 3 year old won't stay in his own bed, he just cries for me, and I was co sleeping with the 1 year old previously.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 18/04/2021 08:54

Can you engage a solicitor?

How recent has the drug use been?

I'm not a lawyer but that seems like a lot of contact for such young children.

I don't think the room sharing would be an issue though.

Original poster

gizmosslave · 18/04/2021 08:55

@SuperLoudPoppingAction

Can you engage a solicitor?

How recent has the drug use been?

I'm not a lawyer but that seems like a lot of contact for such young children.

I don't think the room sharing would be an issue though.

Yes I did speak to one. However mother's guilt got to me when the 3 year old was asking to see his dad so I let him come and see them.

The last time I know about for certain was 17th Feb.

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UhtredRagnarson · 18/04/2021 08:56

He has a history of drug use & mental health issues, there have been social services reports 3 times due to his drug use.

He is not safe to be alone with his children. Gather all the evidence you can on this. Speak to SS and ask them if they can provide the reports for this. I would request that he attend a drug programme and only once completely allow supervised contact with a view to increasing it gradually until he has unsupervised contact and eventually overnight contact. You need to be real firm here OP. And get a bloody good solicitor.

Original poster

gizmosslave · 18/04/2021 09:02

@UhtredRagnarson

He has a history of drug use & mental health issues, there have been social services reports 3 times due to his drug use.

He is not safe to be alone with his children. Gather all the evidence you can on this. Speak to SS and ask them if they can provide the reports for this. I would request that he attend a drug programme and only once completely allow supervised contact with a view to increasing it gradually until he has unsupervised contact and eventually overnight contact. You need to be real firm here OP. And get a bloody good solicitor.

Have I done myself over because I let him see them then after a solicitors letter? He's controlling and was saying I was using the kids as a weapon. Because I knew about the drug use when we were together. But obviously I was here to control it.

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Original poster

gizmosslave · 18/04/2021 09:04

I have spoken to a therapist who has told me what he's doing is actually coercive control and referred me to a specialist DV charity.

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UhtredRagnarson · 18/04/2021 09:04

You were there throughout his visit with the DC?

UhtredRagnarson · 18/04/2021 09:04

@gizmosslave

I have spoken to a therapist who has told me what he's doing is actually coercive control and referred me to a specialist DV charity.

Please contact the charity and take all the support they offer. Document all your contact with them and whatever support they offer.

Original poster

gizmosslave · 18/04/2021 09:10

@UhtredRagnarson

You were there throughout his visit with the DC?

He's had 3 unsupervised now as I've had work.

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Cleverpolly3 · 18/04/2021 09:36

Using him as a childcare option is not at all appropriate though I appreciate that it might be a dilemma
You have knowingly and directly compromised your children’s safety if all the issues you flag up are correct.

Don’t do that again
Engage with SS and the DA charity who will be able to help you

If he is a risk he cannot be allowed to pick up childcare commitments like a normal safe responsible parent

Cleverpolly3 · 18/04/2021 09:37

He will also use this in court as evidence they are safe with him even if they aren’t

UhtredRagnarson · 18/04/2021 09:39

@Cleverpolly3

Using him as a childcare option is not at all appropriate though I appreciate that it might be a dilemma You have knowingly and directly compromised your children’s safety if all the issues you flag up are correct.

Don’t do that again
Engage with SS and the DA charity who will be able to help you

If he is a risk he cannot be allowed to pick up childcare commitments like a normal safe responsible parent

This! Don’t leave them With him again.

Original poster

gizmosslave · 18/04/2021 09:49

But then he says I'm using them as a weapon?

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waitingpatientlyforspring · 18/04/2021 09:56

I don't think you not wanting to be apart from them for 3 e is a fair reason as the dad can say and feel the same things. Why should dad be away from them?

The fact he has drug problems and doesn't have suitable accommodation is more of a reason and I would lead with this. If SS have been involved that must have all happened in the last 3 years which is recent. These are very good reasons why he should even have supervised access let alone no over nights.

UhtredRagnarson · 18/04/2021 10:01

@gizmosslave

But then he says I'm using them as a weapon?

You don’t base child contact with a parent on what the parent says. You base it on what is in the child’s best interests. He can say what he likes. You ignore him and protect your child.

Original poster

gizmosslave · 18/04/2021 10:02

Social won't be open today will they? I've got work next tomorrow.

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Cleverpolly3 · 18/04/2021 10:09

@gizmosslave

But then he says I'm using them as a weapon?

Standard spiel for an abusive or controlling person Don’t fall for it

It is he in fact who will be seen over time to weaponise the children and use them as some form of collateral

You MUST stick to your guns because if this is being taken seriously by LA and DA organisations then they need to see you are consistent and always always act in the children’s best interests. There is no chance in hell my kids would be left alone with anyone who had drug abuse issues even if that happened to be their own father.

Don’t compromise yourself to try and appease him or keep the peace with him because these accusations of weaponising will just be the tip of the iceberg. You will spend your life being painted into corners whilst the children suffer

Original poster

gizmosslave · 18/04/2021 10:21

I just feel so stuck. No matter what I do.

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Northernsoullover · 18/04/2021 10:24

When he had them unsupervised was that during the daytime?

TreeDice · 18/04/2021 10:26

Sorry you're having a tough time OP.

But you can do something here (and really should for the sake of your DC!)

Ignore what he says. You say he's abusive so why would you listen to his parenting guidance?

Sort out childcare as a priority. If he's a risk to his DC, you absolutely cant allow them to be unsupervised with him. Family, paid childcare etc. Perhaps look into unpaid parental leave to sort this out in the interim if poss.

You say you're stuck but you know that as horrible as it is to be accused of something unfair (I.e. using kids as a weapon) I'm sure you'd feel 1000% worse if you allow unsupervised contact and he's high and something happens to the kids.

Be strong for your DC.

Cleverpolly3 · 18/04/2021 10:34

It’s only natural to feel this way right now as you are scared of what will happen.
But giving in isn’t the solution as I and many others know

The DA organisation will be a great help to you and hopefully you will get a switched on social worker too 🤞🏻

Original poster

gizmosslave · 18/04/2021 10:43

@Northernsoullover

When he had them unsupervised was that during the daytime?

Yes

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Original poster

gizmosslave · 18/04/2021 10:44

I don't think, obviously don't know for sure, that he's ever used around the kids.

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UhtredRagnarson · 18/04/2021 10:56

I separated from my ex before my child was born 16 years ago. He started using drugs during my pregnancy. After 3 years he got back in touch and wanted contact and I allowed it. He had changed his life in those three years and there absolutely no concern that he was using. However several years later SS had reason to be involved and one of the things they questioned me on and were concerned about was that I had allowed contact despite knowing he had a history of drug use. It was awful. I couldn’t believe I was being considered as having risked my child because of his drug taking 3 years previously.

You really need to be so careful here OP.

TreeDice · 18/04/2021 11:39

@gizmosslave

I don't think, obviously don't know for sure, that he's ever used around the kids.

But he has a history of it and he's abusive. This will not look good to SS if they ever need to be involved. You also need to question whether it's best for your DC.

Good luck

Original poster

gizmosslave · 18/04/2021 12:09

@UhtredRagnarson

I separated from my ex before my child was born 16 years ago. He started using drugs during my pregnancy. After 3 years he got back in touch and wanted contact and I allowed it. He had changed his life in those three years and there absolutely no concern that he was using. However several years later SS had reason to be involved and one of the things they questioned me on and were concerned about was that I had allowed contact despite knowing he had a history of drug use. It was awful. I couldn’t believe I was being considered as having risked my child because of his drug taking 3 years previously.

You really need to be so careful here OP.

So do you think I should speak to social first thing tomorrow? See what they say?

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