Child contact

[gizmosslave]

My Husband has left me, he is requesting contact of our kids 3&1 Sunday night to Wednesday morning. Which I'm not agreeable to. Especially with the baby & I don't want to split them up.

He has a history of drug use & mental health issues, there have been social services reports 3 times due to his drug use.

Is it likely a court if we went to one would force this? I don't want to be away from my young kids for 3 nights. He also will be sharing a room with them, whcih will be one single bed and a travel cot. Since he has left both kids have co slept, the 3 year old won't stay in his own bed, he just cries for me, and I was co sleeping with the 1 year old previously.

At least if social tell me not to allow him unsupervised contact, that's not me saying it? So I won't be the bad guy?

So do you think I should speak to social first thing tomorrow? See what they say?

Yes. But tell them you have stopped contact. Don’t ask them if you should. They need to see that you are capable of take steps to safeguard your children. If you need to wait to be told to do it they may be concerned that you can’t make these decisions for yourself.

Stop worrying about being the bad guy with him! His opinion is not your concern. Your children’s safety is your only concern.

I wouldn't worry if there is no court order.
You have a full right and a duty towards your children to keep them safe,taking the history of his drug abuse and MH.
I am in a similar position for the last 18 months,my exH is unpredictable,agressive,drugs and alcohol issues.He demands to see his children and I did allow him to see them in the past,only to be subjected to his abuse,he was trying to manipulate the children and was under the influence of drugs.It was one off and since then I just do what SS advised me to,ie. supervised contact.He does threaten me with courts etc but doesn't make any steps to make sure children can visit him safely(refusing recovery programmes,doesn't want to arrange anything himself , lives only in one room or stays with his GF).He has a new girlfriend who is of similar character,threatening towards me,she was neglectful towards her 3 children so I am not going to accept any informal arrangements until everything is 100% safe for my 4&7 y.o.
Don't worry and don't feel guilty,you have proof of what was happening and keeping your children safe is far more important.

@3JsMa

I wouldn't worry if there is no court order. You have a full right and a duty towards your children to keep them safe,taking the history of his drug abuse and MH. I am in a similar position for the last 18 months,my exH is unpredictable,agressive,drugs and alcohol issues.He demands to see his children and I did allow him to see them in the past,only to be subjected to his abuse,he was trying to manipulate the children and was under the influence of drugs.It was one off and since then I just do what SS advised me to,ie. supervised contact.He does threaten me with courts etc but doesn't make any steps to make sure children can visit him safely(refusing recovery programmes,doesn't want to arrange anything himself , lives only in one room or stays with his GF).He has a new girlfriend who is of similar character,threatening towards me,she was neglectful towards her 3 children so I am not going to accept any informal arrangements until everything is 100% safe for my 4&7 y.o. Don't worry and don't feel guilty,you have proof of what was happening and keeping your children safe is far more important.

This sounds exactly the same as me. His new girlfriend is a right cow, and he either stays with her, or in one room at his dads house.

He has been controlling and manipulative since he left, saying he wants to be here everyday, and telling 3 yr old it's mummy stopping him see him. Oh and mummy doesn't love daddy etc.

If you carry on allowing unsupervised visits your setting the precedent for future contact. The court will see you've allowed unsupervised and believe him not to be as much as a risk as you're claiming to me. I would stop that now. Sounds like he needs supervised visits until he can show willing to change.

@Pebbledashery

If you carry on allowing unsupervised visits your setting the precedent for future contact. The court will see you've allowed unsupervised and believe him not to be as much as a risk as you're claiming to me. I would stop that now. Sounds like he needs supervised visits until he can show willing to change.

This is my worry.

Sunday night to Wednesday morning - so never a Friday or Saturday night. Sums him up eh. Id laugh if it wasn't so awful. Don't allow any unsupervised contact, let SS know you are concerned about drug abuse and the children's safety.

When you say a history of drug use? What do you mean by that? 33% of the U.K. population have a history of drug use. People who have commented on this thread probably have a history of drug use and/or mental health conditions. 1/4 people each year are supposed to have a mental health condition.

My ex tried both on me and was found to be weoponising both claims and with the rest of the usual excuses that implacably hostile parents bring out when they have decided the child no longer needs the other parent. It hasn’t gone well for her as it was found she has been completely unreasonable.

You need to be sure this isn’t an excuse and people on this thread don’t know what this “history” is or the extent of the mental health condition.

My ex has a history of harder drug use than I am currently sees a psychologist but from what I can see she does a lovely job with my daughter. Aside from hostility towards me.

@gizmosslave

At least if social tell me not to allow him unsupervised contact, that's not me saying it? So I won't be the bad guy?

Social services won't (shouldn't) tell you not to allow contact outright after one telephone call with your side of things. They will advise you that you have the right to stop contact if you are concerned about the children's safety. You can't hand this decision over to someone else not to be the bad guy, sorry. Social services won't actually be much use to you in this situation as this is a private law/contact issue not an issue of safeguarding. The children are safe with you and it's your responsibility to make sure they are only cared for by safe people. If their dad isn't safe then he shouldn't care for them. Do you feel they are unsafe in his care at all? Or just overnight? You need to be clear about this. The threshold for no contact at all is very high (through court I mean, if he was to apply for contact he would probably get it unless he's literally using daily)

One more as it made me laugh!

My two best female friends from my uni days loved going out clubbing and would disqualify for motherhood following these nights out.

They have seven children between them, ones a doula (who was especially encouragable) and they are currently helping me with toddler cooking tips and cooing over the pictures I send them of my baby daughter!

You need to be honest about whether you are doing this for you or your child. No one on this thread will know your own unique circumstances and be able to answer honestly.

My ex was eventually threatened with an interim care order if she continued to make excuses and false allegations. And she went from me being a weekend dad to be likely at least shared care because she couldn’t prioritise our daughters needs and our daughter is 23 months old.

This is the other end of of the spectrum from a dads perspective so be careful or you will be hit with implacable hostility charges if this goes to court and it’s obvious you haven’t been prioritising your child’s needs above your own.

Obviously if you think your child is in real danger then withhold contact. Just be careful and be honest with yourself.

As per the poster above
There is a big difference between shortish contact during the day a couple of times a week and contact for 3 straight days. One may be perfectly safe where the other becomes risky. You should not stop short periods of contact because you are worried about him getting longer periods through the court.

My Solicitor even mentioned that some of the allegations (believe me they were lies) didn't matter as they were "historical" and "before x was born". I said I really don't feel comfortable with you saying fictitious accounts are "historical" as they were pretty nasty and not the kinds of things you want blurred between being absolutely untrue and "historical".

It was like I was I was having my defense run by Lionel Hutz!

The reason I mention this is because there are likely some things that are so historical that they don't matter anymore.

I have been honest with social services and said I took drugs 4 years a go and they are fine with that (I took all the drugs tests which went back 9 months and incriminated my ex as she said I was current (so again be careful with what you say)). I am sure it would be better if I had never drunk or taken drugs in my life but lets be honest very few of us are perfect.

There is no correlation between the level of care my daughter gets at my house and the fact I am a historic recreational drug user. Same as my old uni mates who are beautiful mothers - absolutely amazing!

When you say a history of drug use? What do you mean by that?

Perhaps read the OPs posts and you’ll understand what she means. She means he last used 2 months and 2 days ago and has had 3 separate reports made to SS due to his drug use.

So. I managed to obtain messaged from him to his friends about cocaine use on multiple occasions when the kids were in the house, including my sons 2nd birthday party & one night while he was at work. I have also found cocaine on his person multiple times whilst we were together, and MDMA in his draw. Obviously I disposed of all of these straight away. There have been 4 police reports about him and 3 social service reports, with a 4th ongoing. I am not stopping him seeing the kids, he can see them with my supervision. I have also been told by a therapist that he is using coercive control over me, so have been referred to a DA charity.

As someone else pointed out I believe a few hours unsupervised is different to 3/4 days including nights.

And the fact that he has been using as recently as February means it isn't exactly 'historical'

There's no way I believe he suddenly stopped taking drugs at a hard time in his life where his affair was found out, staying with his brother who is a drug dealer, sorry but I just can't see that happening.

@Skeptadad sorry you went through such a tough time, it sounds horrendous.

It sounds like a very different situation to OPs though. This person was taking drugs 2 months ago while caring for DC. OP also says he's emotionally abusive. Would you trust him to look after your child unsupervised?

If he wants to parent, that's great. It sounds like he could do with some support first but the OP is not the person to provide that. Her first priority has to be the wellbeing of the children and offering supervised visits seems like a good start.

Good luck OP!

@Skeptadad

You need to be honest about whether you are doing this for you or your child. No one on this thread will know your own unique circumstances and be able to answer honestly.

My ex was eventually threatened with an interim care order if she continued to make excuses and false allegations. And she went from me being a weekend dad to be likely at least shared care because she couldn’t prioritise our daughters needs and our daughter is 23 months old.

This is the other end of of the spectrum from a dads perspective so be careful or you will be hit with implacable hostility charges if this goes to court and it’s obvious you haven’t been prioritising your child’s needs above your own.

Obviously if you think your child is in real danger then withhold contact. Just be careful and be honest with yourself.

Why do you keep projecting your circumstances onto those of other men being discussed on here and other contact threads?

Have you actually read what is going on here? Or is it just about the incidentally hypocritical woman and mother bashing?

I don't understand why you feel my anecdotes are "women bashing" when I have spoken highly of my female friends/my ex (to a degree) and am currently seeking shared care of my daughter.

It's more of a warning that withholding contact without reasonable grounds can result in a compromised position. I use my position to draw attention to that fact.

"Emotional abuse" may or may not be grounds for withholding contact. I wouldn't have thought withholding contact from my ex would have been appropriate even though she has been horrendous and I don't think the judge would see it that way either as it doesn't affect my ex's ability to parent. I am saying it needs to be carefully thought out.

I've worked in contact centres, and you can self refer, although not sure if they are open due to Covid.

There is a difference between facilitated contact, which is where contact, some use it to handover children to the non resident parent often when the parents cannot meet face to face, and supervised contact where a trained person will be in the room while contact takes place with the non resident parent.

In your shoes I would say what the boundaries are, such as you would be happy for ex to have facilitated contact on [specific date at specific time]

[quote TreeDice]@Skeptadad sorry you went through such a tough time, it sounds horrendous.

It sounds like a very different situation to OPs though. This person was taking drugs 2 months ago while caring for DC. OP also says he's emotionally abusive. Would you trust him to look after your child unsupervised?

If he wants to parent, that's great. It sounds like he could do with some support first but the OP is not the person to provide that. Her first priority has to be the wellbeing of the children and offering supervised visits seems like a good start.

Good luck OP![/quote]
Not having taken drugs 2 months prior if I knew that to be true given the ages of the children.

@Skeptadad

I don't understand why you feel my anecdotes are "women bashing" when I have spoken highly of my female friends/my ex (to a degree) and am currently seeking shared care of my daughter.

It's more of a warning that withholding contact without reasonable grounds can result in a compromised position. I use my position to draw attention to that fact.

"Emotional abuse" may or may not be grounds for withholding contact. I wouldn't have thought withholding contact from my ex would have been appropriate even though she has been horrendous and I don't think the judge would see it that way either as it doesn't affect my ex's ability to parent. I am saying it needs to be carefully thought out.

Except OP isn't looking to withhold contact, just to make sure its supervised while the checks are done on the other parent who she has written evidence of drug taking 2 months ago in the presence of the child.

I appreciate you sharing your side of your story, it is useful to see it. However, this is a very very different situation by the sounds of things and putting the phrase emotional abuse in " " marks can give the impression you don't take this seriously which I'm sure is not the case.