Child contact

[gizmosslave]

My Husband has left me, he is requesting contact of our kids 3&1 Sunday night to Wednesday morning. Which I'm not agreeable to. Especially with the baby & I don't want to split them up.

He has a history of drug use & mental health issues, there have been social services reports 3 times due to his drug use.

Is it likely a court if we went to one would force this? I don't want to be away from my young kids for 3 nights. He also will be sharing a room with them, whcih will be one single bed and a travel cot. Since he has left both kids have co slept, the 3 year old won't stay in his own bed, he just cries for me, and I was co sleeping with the 1 year old previously.

@Skeptadad

I don't understand why you feel my anecdotes are "women bashing" when I have spoken highly of my female friends/my ex (to a degree) and am currently seeking shared care of my daughter.

It's more of a warning that withholding contact without reasonable grounds can result in a compromised position. I use my position to draw attention to that fact.

"Emotional abuse" may or may not be grounds for withholding contact. I wouldn't have thought withholding contact from my ex would have been appropriate even though she has been horrendous and I don't think the judge would see it that way either as it doesn't affect my ex's ability to parent. I am saying it needs to be carefully thought out.

Eh? Emotional abuse is most certainly a reason to withhold contact particularly if it is sufficient to raise safeguarding concerns and LA involvement. Abuse takes many forms and the Domestic Abuse Bill which will hopefully gain Royal Assent soon is finally a bit of a wake up call to the contact at all costs culture and indeed that abuse of a mother - since it is normally that - is abuse of the child(ten) amongst other things

Emotional abuse causes often irreversible damage if left to continue.

You have some quite outmoded views and understanding it seems to me.

Telling someone to be careful they don’t come across as implacably hostile when she is clearly worried for her children’s safety is just inflammatory.

For what it's worth there are also signs that have previously happened that would be damaging to the children. Such as when my husband ( hopefully very soon ex husband) ripped the arms and legs of my sons comforter because my son posted a debit card in the Xbox.

Or when he threw a plate across the room when my baby cried and he couldn't eat his dinner, inches away from hitting the window.

Or when he threw a chair and it's made a hole in the bathroom door

Or when he told my son he was stupid because he didn't potty train in one day

By your reasoning them Cleverpolly3 my daughter should have her mother removed for making serious false allegations which have caused emotional harm to myself and my daughter and caused evidencable developmental problems for my daughter.

It has happened in the past, but I wouldn't warrant that was sufficient emotional abuse to severe my daughter and her mothers relationship nor would I want it to.

It's a but more nuanced than what you are implying. Thankfully we have a legal system that can see the shades between binary outcomes you seem to be vying for.

You are right about one thing though - I do have anchoring bias because of my experiences so that was a fair point.

@Skeptadad

By your reasoning them Cleverpolly3 my daughter should have her mother removed for making serious false allegations which have caused emotional harm to myself and my daughter and caused evidencable developmental problems for my daughter.

It has happened in the past, but I wouldn't warrant that was sufficient emotional abuse to severe my daughter and her mothers relationship nor would I want it to.

It's a but more nuanced than what you are implying. Thankfully we have a legal system that can see the shades between binary outcomes you seem to be vying for.

You are right about one thing though - I do have anchoring bias because of my experiences so that was a fair point.

Abuse does not discriminate in terms of gender or sex but it is mostly men that are perpetrators. At this point in time I am not aware of any programmes that offer perpetrator rehabilitation to women though I may be wrong.

So if it is the case that your ex is making false allegations that are proven to be so then yes that needs to be taken into account. As would the motive for this.

However I disagree completely with the idea that there is some sort of scale of emotional abuse. All emotional abuse is harmful. Why would you want your child to be exposed to that if there was no accountability or evidence of rehabilitation. Emotional and psychological abuse came be incredibly sophisticated and casts a cruel long dark shadow over victim’s lives. Furthermore you are not really the person who has the job of making the decision. Abuse is abuse. It is now in your case a Court of Law so ultimately the decision regarding residency and contact is for a Judge to decide based on the evidence available to them.

Emotional abuse often forms the basis of Child Protection Plans so it is a huge safeguarding issue.

I am all too well aware of the Law’s nuances as well as its at times rigid suppositions - from a professional as well as personal setting with my own experiences in Family Court which is why the DA Bill is to be welcomed. For ALL victims of it.

There are no perpetrator rehabilitation programmes for women sadly. Female same sex relationships are the most abusive statistically and it would be hoped that the programmes are run for therapeutic rather than punitive reasons so good rehabilitative work could be done there.

Well it's probably mostly down to social services in my area who have stated my ex will use "anything as a stick to beat me with" and will make the recommendations. Although her motive couldn't be anymore transparent.

It's an interesting argument CleverPolly - my ex ex used to hit me and stop me leaving our flat, call me names etc. Does that mean if we had a child she shouldn't see that child? I should state that I don't see that as direct equivalence as I know male on female violence is more harmful/dangerous.

I don't think I am too far from your own perspective to be honest. I am very weary of potential behavioural problems that would be indicative of someone that behaves in such a manner as my ex. It's not difficult hard to see that the level of coercive control levied at me has been levied at our daughter through alienation of myself and paternal family.

There does need to be some kind of scale though I feel for one off incidents etc. Or maybe you are right - once domestic abuse has been established then it's cheerio to the other parent. Would suit me down to the ground!