Separation and changing school half way through year 4

[Darkfyre]

Hi all,

Need some advice.
Background:
I am separating from my partner at the moment.
We are not married and have an 8 year old son.
House is currently sold, but we haven't moved.
I plan to move to my parents and my partner is moving to hers.
My parents have two spare rooms which I am converting into bedrooms. They live in the same town approx 20-40 mins away depending on traffic.
My partners parents have no spare rooms. They live 1hour 40 mins away.

Situation: We have been to 2 mediation sessions and cannot agree on who should have our Son weekdays.
My point: Move and separation is stressful enough. Let our Son stay at current school and I will commute him. Less disruption, keeps his friends and education not disrupted. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the school, he is happy there.

Her point: If he moves down where she is, schools will be 8 minutes walk away. Can gain independence in walking to school himself in year 5&6. She also says that because she has been doing all the little things (like remembering Odd-sock day, world book day etc.) she is better suited for weekday parenting.

Conclusion, I don't want him moving school for the sake of it. She doesn't like the idea of a 20-40 min driven commute each way and would rather him be local enough to walk. Note: There is issue over secondary school, but we are more aligned here so I won't go into detail on that.

Legal:
As I understand it, schools require both parents consent to move a child out of a school to another (yes I have PR). If I don't give consent, she cannot move him out of his school.

Problem:
As we have not come to an agreement or compromise, the likely immediate outcome is that our Son will come with me to continue his current school and I will commute him in.

As such, she is now in contact with a Solicitor who has sent me a letter asking why I have cancelled the next mediation appointment (which was not cancelled, as we had "pencilled" it in and I'm not up for it as it is getting us no-where). It goes on to say that they have been instructed to make an application for a specific issue order and a child arrangement order to settle the arrangements for our son.

When I asked her about this, she denies that she has instructed her solicitor to do so.

I have been asked to get in touch within 14 days.

I am rather concerned, but should this go to court, I expect that I will be the resident parent doing the school commute. Does this help me?

I am seeking legal advice, and have put feelers out for family solicitors with free introduction consultations.

Any advice would be greatly welcomed, and if I can clarify anything, please let me know.

P.S. She has just started a new job and therefore can't get a mortgage for at least 3-6 months. Therefore our Son will be sleeping on a mattress in his grandmothers room, while she will be sleeping on a sofabed. We have agreed that whoever has residency (Mon-Fri) the other will see him 3 weekends out of 4 on average and we will share school holidays equally.
In contrast, with me, he will immediately have his own space and bedroom.

The courts will want whatever is in your son's best interests
That exactly. The question is whether moving with OP and facing a long commute after some long days at school is better than moving to a new school 5mns away.

Ultimate, neither is offering what is best for the child.

Or I might buy a cheap 1 bed flat and make the dining/ living room into my sons room.

I know a couple of people who bought a one bed after a separation and their child had a bedroom and the parent slept on a sofa bed in the living room.

You have decided you're the victim and your physical abuse was somehow not as bad. Not like other physical abuse. That's rubbish. Ultimately if she wants to take her son to start a new life near her support system she may well be able to do that, especially because you have been physically violent.

@96315id

You have decided you're the victim and your physical abuse was somehow not as bad. Not like other physical abuse. That's rubbish. Ultimately if she wants to take her son to start a new life near her support system she may well be able to do that, especially because you have been physically violent.

No that is your assumption. I have never said that. What it sounds like you are saying is that because I have been physically violent, then its perfectly reasonable for her to continue to be verbally abusive and controlling.

Ultimately if I want to to take OUR son to continue with his life at school as normal as possible and continue to be within the support system that he is used to, why shouldn't I? Especially because she has been coercive, controlling and physically violent?

I have been nothing but supportive... how many guys would say to their partners, I want to split up, but I am willing to continue supporting your and our family while you get a job and can get a mortgage which may take 3 months... I will continue to sleep on the sofa like I have for the past 5 years. Its now been 11 months. She has had no income of her own, but that doesn't bother me. She has worried this entire time that she is worried about money, but I have always encouraged her to go out with her friends, go out whenever and she has done so. She wants new clothes/shoes etc for herself? No problem... even though we are separated. Fortunately there has always been trust between us financially and I think its just the right thing to do. Problem is she still takes it out on me that she has no income. Thank god she now has a job.

Don't be so blinkered.

@NerrSnerr

Or I might buy a cheap 1 bed flat and make the dining/ living room into my sons room.

I know a couple of people who bought a one bed after a separation and their child had a bedroom and the parent slept on a sofa bed in the living room.

Yeah this is a good idea. Sofabed for me would do just fine.

OP - there are likely several of us on here who have had an abusive partner who comes across as the nicest bloke on earth - to others. M
Calling us blinkered isn’t going to convince those of us who know the typical strap lines snd tricks. I appreciate that it is also incredibly frustrating when you are dealing with someone who takes everything snd yeists it to their advantage - if this is what is actually happening here snd yours as reasonable and decent etc etc as you say then this is my two penny’s worth (and advice I wish I’d taken myself or been in the position to) - family court is an utter crap shoot. Those posters saying that the court is only interested in the welfare of the child are technically correct - courts are also over burdened, wait times are very very long now, judges can often be ‘compassion fatigued’ finding little patience with warring couples (as they potentially see it) not sorting it out. Domestic abuse/coercive control is very very hard to prove. If you are dealing with a manipulator/anusivd type I would absolutely avoid court unless there are ACTUAL safeguarding issues.

Be the bigger person - move to where the mother is. Do your best to not stir the pot. Be the positive model in your sons life. And preserve your sanity (and finances).

That’s my two pence worth having been a veteran three times over in family court with abusers/manipulators/liars.

@LaLaLandIsNoFun

OP - there are likely several of us on here who have had an abusive partner who comes across as the nicest bloke on earth - to others. M Calling us blinkered isn’t going to convince those of us who know the typical strap lines snd tricks. I appreciate that it is also incredibly frustrating when you are dealing with someone who takes everything snd yeists it to their advantage - if this is what is actually happening here snd yours as reasonable and decent etc etc as you say then this is my two penny’s worth (and advice I wish I’d taken myself or been in the position to) - family court is an utter crap shoot. Those posters saying that the court is only interested in the welfare of the child are technically correct - courts are also over burdened, wait times are very very long now, judges can often be ‘compassion fatigued’ finding little patience with warring couples (as they potentially see it) not sorting it out. Domestic abuse/coercive control is very very hard to prove. If you are dealing with a manipulator/anusivd type I would absolutely avoid court unless there are ACTUAL safeguarding issues.

Be the bigger person - move to where the mother is. Do your best to not stir the pot. Be the positive model in your sons life. And preserve your sanity (and finances).

That’s my two pence worth having been a veteran three times over in family court with abusers/manipulators/liars.

Thank you. This is the sort of stuff I want to learn about, rather than being put in the same put as all the other A-holes out there.

And yes, this is why as I have said previously, I am not going to go down the domestic abuse route because from the courses I've been on, the proving of it is indeed impossible and like those already posted here prove - would stereotype me as the bad guy.

It's just hard for me to accept that the person who has been pushing me around to get me to do what she wants, will again get what she wants. It's not just that either. I genuinely believe that moving our son is unnecessary and will cause more disruption in his life than he needs. He is such a fantastically well rounded lad, and whilst this might make anyone think that he will adjust well, I don't want to risk it hurting him when he can keep one big thing consistent.

If this means that I need to find a place locally to his current school to keep him there and take on full responsibility of the weekday parent to keep his well being front and centre then I will do so, even if that means by "fairness" I only have him 1 in 4 weekends so that my Ex can have an equal amount of time with him then so be it (if you break it down by the amount of hours spent, 3 out of 4 weekends is roughly a 50/50 split with mon-fri and 1 in 4... our mediator had us work it out).

It is something I am going to suggest in mediation to see what she thinks of it. Hopefully it will be a constructive discussion.

Moving to be near her just because that is what she has decided is not fair on myself, my family or my son.

When you have been the one pushed around it is really hard (add in the one who was busing doing everything whilst they earned the money leaving you in a VERY bad position where your contribution is not only erased but turned into a big fat negative)

Again - it sound like you have the financial resources so just move: this is about your child snd sometimes it’s better to placate the adult child for the sake of your child because an enraged adult child can be very persuasive to professionals.

What it sounds like you are saying is that because I have been physically violent, then its perfectly reasonable for her to continue to be verbally abusive and controlling.

I didn't mean to imply that I don't think I did say that. I think you're defensive because you don't get the gravity of what you have done.

Ultimately if I want to to take OUR son to continue with his life at school as normal as possible and continue to be within the support system that he is used to, why shouldn't I?

Because she's his mother, you've pushed her around and she may need to be near a support system for your son's sake.

And your generosity financially doesn't gloss that over.

You presumably want other opinions. You will encounter this one a lot. I'm not the one you need to convince and this won't go away, especially with the spin you're trying to put on it.

Moving to be near her just because that is what she has decided is not fair on myself, my family or my son.

You completely ignored that poster's advice in terms of her practical suggestion - you just liked the sympathy she appeared to be offering you, and it is interesting that your son is last in that list.

You're no different to anyone else. Everyone who has been violent thinks they've been provoked.

This isn't going to go well for you. You seem highly manipulative and the fact that you've already admitted to being physically violent prime others for that.

Moving schools isn't a dreadful, terrible thing. Mine have done it twice and they're fine. It's not IDEAL no....but stuff happens in life. It prepares them for dealing with change.

I never moved house or school as a child and when it came time to move out for Uni I was utterly freaked out.

Oh another thread full of sexist responses, how refreshing! Mothers don’t trump fathers and continuing with this outdated attitude only makes women laughing stock when they go on about equality of sexes.

OP is prepared to adjust his life to offer the most stable life to his son. He is happy to consider 50/50 with his ex if she were to stay locally.

Yet the suggestion by some here is that he should move to where she wants to live close to mummy and daddy for support! She doesn’t need to support from her parents with an 8 years old. Her priority should be her child and therefore staying local.

OP, if you can find a place locally where indeed you could arrange it so both have a room, meaning your son can continue to attend his school without much commute, you probably have a very good chance to have main custody.

@LaLaLandIsNoFun

You’re as bad as each other.

At least he's getting help.