Manipulating child access

[Themadcatparade]

Partners ex is manipulating the court order once again for his sons access to see him.

Partners child is entitled to 2 weeks (Minimum) during the summer with him, as stated in the child access order. He has tried to propose time earlier on in August, with the flexibility to split the two weeks up so his sons time is shared a bit more on a balance.

Two of the earlier weeks in August were rejected by His ex partner, due to sons upcoming birthday.

We have finally got time with his son for next week and due to the summer ending soon we cannot split this two weeks up. It has now got to the point where there is only two weeks left of the summer holidays. The court order says that the time his son is entitled to see him is two weeks minimum, plus any other additional time to be agreed. However, my partner can’t split these two weeks now, as his ex has pushed it so late, any other time will go in to school term time. So he has said he will have his son for the two weeks in one set block, as it is too late to break this chunk up.

Ex is now saying that He is ‘not allowed’ to have two weeks (it states two weeks minimum on court order with the father) and that he is only allowed one and she will not allow it? She will be breaching the terms if she doesn’t allow her son the time with him won’t she?

She is also now saying that she is keeping his son for his night midweek “if you are allowed to keep my son for the full week then so am I”. After a few attempts at saying that partner does not wish to withdraw his midweek contact with his son, she’s still saying she can do this and hold his son at hers for his one overnight stay.

Court order says apart from the two weeks minimum, then normal term time contact should resume, which includes one night a week contact. She’s wrong to keep hold of him isn’t she?

It’s been a nightmare all round. He has been as reasonable and as flexible with her as he possibly can. Time has been manipulated by her for his son to see his father so much this year, for weeks at a time in some cases and including over Father’s Day and she’s attempting to keep him until last minute on his birthday to ensure he spends as little time as possible with his father. This also happened last year. All he wants is to have his permitted two weeks time with his son, but she’s arguing left right and centre that he’s not allowed it.

He needs to return to court for an enforcement of the court order. Get him to keep the paper trail of evidence of this. Sooner the better. Court may award more contact if this continues to occur, and in the extreme award a change of residency.

If she withdraws the midweek contact, she will be in breach of the court order. Equally she will be in breach of the court order by stonewalling the 2 weeks minimum the court have stated the child spends with his father.

You have a few options really and to be honest your partner will need to remain firm with them. So first is send a letter ASAP (always recommend recorded delivery) advising child will be collected on X date and returned on Y date two weeks later. Also state any breach of the court order including withholding will be pursued and the court made aware. Include a copy of the court order just to reconfirm the order so she can't say she lost it or hadn't seen a section etc. Schools don't go back until 3rd/4th so pick up could be up to 19th Aug to which he can have the child up until the night before school so send the letter quick. If she refuses, you'll need to raise the form online for breach of order. You will have evidence of the previous attempts of arrangement whilst keeping the child's best interest in mind with splitting the weeks which was rejected and then the two weeks court ordered minimum again rejected. If you have to go down this route I would ask for specific dates/weeks to be stated in the court order so it's no back and forth ie. week 1&3 of August for 7 days so it's set in stone.

Second is to pick up the child on agreed date, court order in the car and spend time with the child for the 2 weeks. The police will be unable to do anything as you are following the court order and will advise mum she will be in breach should she remove or withhold the child.

Personally I would always go for option 1. We've had to do it for DSDs mum a few time prior to court order ruling in DP favour of custody because of her game playing. It's all for control over your DP still, not really for the child's interest unfortunately

Thank you both we feel like we are going mad with it all and constantly doubting ourselves! It’s is unfair on his son, on my son who is looking forward to some quality time with him and it’s upsetting all around.

He has Attempted through text messages over the last two weeks Trying to be as amicable as possible but received Nothing but argument back. I suggested getting a solicitors advice and letter sent to her, but his solicitor was on leave this week and we only had until tonight. He opted for sending a Formal letter via email, detailing her duties to stick to the order for tonight’s mid week contact, and the summer holidays. She responded with a text saying that he’s not allowed to see him tonight because they have plans so he is sticking to his guns for the transfer of care and going up there tonight to Pick up his son.

He did propose the 17th (next Monday) through to the 30th for his two weeks. She had finally ‘agreed’ for the week of the 17th but but not the week after. In the letter, he has proposed also that to make this fairer he is willing to drop his son back on on the Friday before rather than the Monday to coincide with her weekend with her son (every other weekend my partner has him), so he can’t get any fairer than that. The school is back the first week of September.

He is also supposed to have his son for four hours minimum on his birthday and has asked for reasonable time with him. At first she argued that it was two hours. Now she’s saying she has plans for her son all day and will let him know on the day when he can have her, so he has stated in the letter to kindly let him know by tonight the latest a time so he can arrange it with work and if his son can see him in the afternoon it be No later than 3.30pm as per his sons bedtime routine. Last birthday he tried to get him at 5pm but they had gone out for tea and he didn’t get to see him until gone 6.30pm which cut in to his time Majorly. We know that she will not respond reasonably to this and it will be all last minute again, as usual.

My partner isn’t doing anything wrong is he?

We have been informed that we cannot get a straight enforcement order applied for unless he attends mediation first - is this true? We are in the UK.

I don't believe you need mediation if the order has been breached. If you go back to court I would ask for an amendment to the order that all holiday periods are agreed and confirmed 6 weeks before the holidays start.

Okay I will pass the advice on. It’s been difficult to even get time for a holiday as she won’t permit it, she has sent abuse over him taking his son for a night away on three occasions on his time which is no worse than a sleepover!

Trying to arrange holiday time has always been ‘we are busy’ so getting it changed to arranging in advance will just fall through. There is no arrangement on her side, no reasonability whatsoever.

Just like we worried, he has arrived at sons mothers home and nobody is home.

Which is why you ask for dates confirmed 6 weeks in advance. It's the only way with people like that.

He is right to stick to the order tonight and collect his son. If she refuses he will need to enforce the order to which mediation is not required. He can do it online so it saves time on waiting for forms etc to come through (www.gov.uk/government/publications/enforcing-a-child-arrangements-order-cb5)

In terms of communication, we were advised to not respond via text regarding our letter requests ie we sent a letter outlining facts, times and offering any considerations like you've done for the Friday drop off. If DSD mum replied by text, we were told to put our response in a letter again citing the previous letter and on all letters we requested a response by letter or email to arrive no later than X date advising the court will be made aware of failure. She never responded and the judge informed her she's unable to communicate therefore enforced a communication book but then our order is very specific and outlines set dates for half terms shes to be with her mum right until the end of the academic year with the next one provided in the January when the council release dates. Having it as any to be decided doesn't work in the situations you have unfortunately

Our order is now very specific*
It used to be an informal arrangement where DP would agree the years holidays in the August before school only for them to be changed the night before which messed up so many plans.

If you had to go back to court to enforce the order, would your DP look to request 50% of holidays so it could then be alternate weeks?

As it turns out, he tried ringing up to ask where he is, she said it was now a police matter on the grounds of harassment and threat due to him not leaving the property. She has been watching him on the camera.

Absolutely ridiculous, my son is in tears over it all as he missed him and his time with him is limited. He has no choice but to leave does he?

He needs to send a recorded letter/email outlining today, her refusal to stick to the court order and that the courts will be informed of this and other breaches of the order. Mediation is not needed and the court will look very poorly on the behaviour being exhibited.

There is no grounds of harassment. In fact, as there is a court order in place stipulating a time and location for handover to which she is refusing they can bring the child to him I believe.

Ask him to go into his car and ring 101 for advice stating she's made reference to the police being involved, he is following the court order which she is preventing and can they please advise or support the matter

Thank you all so much for the advice. Her reason for keeping him is that he is allowed to have a week with his son straight As per order and she only thinks it’s fair that she does. It’s definitely a breach of the order, he has made it clear that he has not given her permission to take him night away through text and also via letter.

He has left it for tonight as to not cause anymore upset, I just feel so helpless towards him. Lots of emotional support tonight needed I think.

Complete the enforcement link above tomorrow when in a better mind set to start the ball rolling and collect DSS on 17th as planned. When he is in your care, send a recorded letter confirming he will be returned on 30th in line with the order and you have made court aware of the breach of order 12 August.

If you don't stick to the order yourselves ie only have a week of the summer once he is in your care because it suits etc (it's how it can be perceived in court Or how mum May switch it to be, not what I actually think) the court may say both parties are as bad as each other.

We will do thank you. We have loads of evidence in his favour over the last year so it might take time to pile this together. He plans to keep his son for the time entitled as per order, we are just concerned about the threat of her turning up here on the second week in at attempt to retrieve him.

Additionally, her partner is in the police, it was him who rang my partner and told him on her behalf to get off her property and that they will be taking it further on grounds of threatening behaviour and harassment for him calling around and knocking on the door at pick up time. He was off duty. Is he abusing his status here? How far would a potential complaint against him go?

I wouldn't pursue the partner at the moment but instead keep a record of what happened and what was said. You have to remember that partners are only told one parties side and unfortunately he could be spun a load of fabrications for her. I mean, if your partner called you up saying someone is at the house knocking when told not to come and was 'upset' about it I'm sure you would rush to his defence.

If he does it again ie make threats to arrest you, acts threatening, using his status to influence a situation or make life difficult etc then you can raise a complaint against his conduct via the police complaints procedure.

If she turns up on the second week, there's nothing she can do as you are adhering to the order. If she starts acting in a threatening manner you are in your right to call the police but if it's a case of knocking once or twice then I wouldn't unless it begins to escalate

Any update OP and I absolutely would pursue a complaint on the partner!!!

Partner is banking on his "authority" to back off.... Clearly he is either a bully or a fuckwit or doesn't have the full story in regards to court orders.

Has he picked up his son today?

Hi everyone. Thank you so much for the support. We have not had contact with his son but received a message to pick him up between 4 and 8pm for his birthday tomorrow.

We have drafted a letter stating the events of last night, reasons to why this was a breach after multiple reminders to warn of what will happen, and to detail that this has now been notified to the court and his concerns over his sons welfare for multiple missed time.

Also a reminder that any attempt to try and hinder the full two weeks from the 17th will also go down as a breach.

Just a few details for evidence in the better too to back him up when it comes to court including texts from her saying she is ‘allowed’ to withhold him and she doesn’t not need his permission’ to keep him. Etc etc. And also about the phone call with the threat to get the police involved for harassment.

We aren’t too sure whether to make a Formal complaint against partner yet as we do not want things to escalate more.
We’ve just got the forms and the money together to put this application in for enforcement we just need to go through the full year since last birthday to gather evidence of her trying to manipulate the time (there’s quite a lot!)

Partner is feeling much better today, I think we both know that as painful as it was last night, she’s now given us a solid reason against all the other reasons to enforce this

Good for your partner.
Good luck to you all.

There’s a lot of other things which we need to consider putting forward too - such as not allowing to call his dad ‘daddy’ but use his real name, to only call her boyfriend daddy etc etc. This went on for a month, instilled quite a bit of fear in to using the name daddy at the point where he was wetting the bed and it’s concerning for his welfare. There had been a few occasions where his son has gone back to his mums and lied about him not being at his dads as we live together and ‘mummy doesn’t like me staying with you’ and so forth. He is scared of her, that’s pretty evident. This has caused a whole lot of trouble my partner receiving messages asking the whereabouts of his son when he has been with us all long. ‘Can you explain why MY SON camped out in his nanas garden last night’... you get the picture.

Then we received solicitors letters saying we are wrong to let his sleep put away from
This house, ‘why has my son been staying overnight....’ and so on.

He cannot seem to do right with her whatever he does, And it’s very contradictory.

Not responding (every week!) when my partner picks him up when my partner asks if he has had tea, then receiving messages the next morning saying he has come back ‘cold and hungry’.

It’s not the games she plays with my partner that’s the trouble because we are wise and mature enough to handle it. It’s the scare tactics she uses against his son that is concerning to us, along with the withdrawal of his sons time with his dad.

Thank you @FelicityPike, I really appreciate it. I think this has been going on for so long, it’s nice to be listened to and get it all out.

Parent alienation does not bode well for her. In regards to the police partner, I really would be inclined to insert this into the court paperwork.... Its all part of the intimidation and unacceptable behaviour in breach of the order on her part.

Does her actions fall under parent alienation?

We will consider mentioning her partner with the paperwork. We just feel really stressed over it at the minute, this is the last thing my partner wanted to do, he’s very much for peace. It’s just gone on too long now