Manipulating child access

[Themadcatparade]

Partners ex is manipulating the court order once again for his sons access to see him.

Partners child is entitled to 2 weeks (Minimum) during the summer with him, as stated in the child access order. He has tried to propose time earlier on in August, with the flexibility to split the two weeks up so his sons time is shared a bit more on a balance.

Two of the earlier weeks in August were rejected by His ex partner, due to sons upcoming birthday.

We have finally got time with his son for next week and due to the summer ending soon we cannot split this two weeks up. It has now got to the point where there is only two weeks left of the summer holidays. The court order says that the time his son is entitled to see him is two weeks minimum, plus any other additional time to be agreed. However, my partner can’t split these two weeks now, as his ex has pushed it so late, any other time will go in to school term time. So he has said he will have his son for the two weeks in one set block, as it is too late to break this chunk up.

Ex is now saying that He is ‘not allowed’ to have two weeks (it states two weeks minimum on court order with the father) and that he is only allowed one and she will not allow it? She will be breaching the terms if she doesn’t allow her son the time with him won’t she?

She is also now saying that she is keeping his son for his night midweek “if you are allowed to keep my son for the full week then so am I”. After a few attempts at saying that partner does not wish to withdraw his midweek contact with his son, she’s still saying she can do this and hold his son at hers for his one overnight stay.

Court order says apart from the two weeks minimum, then normal term time contact should resume, which includes one night a week contact. She’s wrong to keep hold of him isn’t she?

It’s been a nightmare all round. He has been as reasonable and as flexible with her as he possibly can. Time has been manipulated by her for his son to see his father so much this year, for weeks at a time in some cases and including over Father’s Day and she’s attempting to keep him until last minute on his birthday to ensure he spends as little time as possible with his father. This also happened last year. All he wants is to have his permitted two weeks time with his son, but she’s arguing left right and centre that he’s not allowed it.

Her actions may indeed see her lose custody of her ds.
Discussed in court when my exh was being as ridiculous as you describe here op..

I know the more she pushes it the more she will get in trouble and won’t get away with it. She seems to be ‘above the law’ in her eyes

It’s the upset and the emotional damage she does to her son and in addition, to us all. My anxiety is through the roof seeing them both go through this again. We’ve only just settled down with tensions in the house from the last one. We want to be left alone and to just get along with our lives not have all this. She’s still continuing to send my partner horrible messages accusing him of all sorts every time he drops his son off.

I wish I could just detach from this but I am struggling to

Every time she does something just think ‘it’s more evidence’. Just let her unravel the rope to hang herself.
I hope all this contact is by text and not phone also?

The whole ‘daddy’ thing is appalling.

Yep, texts mainly. Which is good as she spent the first year and a bit with his number blocked so he couldn’t communicate at all with her apart from via a ‘contact book’. This went missing on her end every few weeks and was replaced.

His son has called him daddy since the incident, but on the week we had his over the summer he slipped up and almost called her partner daddy again

Ffs sake he has just received a solicitors letter off hers saying that he’s been warned off the police not to attend her property as per last time and he’s been actioned under the criminal harassment act for intimidating behaviour. Pure lies saying he was looking through the window etc (he didn’t) and lingering around (he waited for her to return his son in his car). And coming up to the house tonight will put him at risk of being arrested. Made him look like a right criminal! It also warns that any report of breach towards her will strongly be defended. I feel sick.

The solicitor is just writing what she is telling them, she obviously thinks that writing it in a letter makes it true somehow.
It’s not making her look good.

Can anyone give us advice over what to do tonight?

The letter has outlined clearly that shes asked for him not to come on to the street or near her home at all, and about risk of arrest if he does try and collect her for breaching his first warning of criminal harassment (he hasn’t even been warned yet - the police tried getting in touch when he was away and he missed the call and tried to return it but no response - he hasn’t heard from them since).

Or do we just let her have her own way tonight and update the court?

Letter also implies that she has a right to make his son available or not in her terms because he lives with her pure shit it all is!!

There must be some more knowledgable people on here.
Personally I wouldn’t go, get information from the police (who I am sure won’t warn him with criminal harassment) and use it as an example of how she has breached the visit order.

Op seriously here - a solicitor will write whatever the other party requests... I got one once demanding I remove my newly fitted blinds as my exh could no longer see into my house. I kid you not.
Unless a judge orders something Yanbu to ignore ignore ignore. Your solicitor could suggest when it goes back to court they will suggest a copy of such cctv is produced as evidence against your dh..
Unlikely if he has done nothing wrong. If you feel her position at work is being used to abuse your dh /you then go above her head and file a complaint..

He needs to send an emotionless reply stating what the court order states and that if she is refusing contact as per the order it will again be reported to the court and that you hope she will adhere to the order. Explicitly state that as per the court order he will be in the car outside the home at x o'clock and will expect him son to come out to him, as due to the constant allegations he feels harrassed and does not want to put his son in the middle of the situation.

After she does not hand their son over, he then needs to send another message saying as per court order and message sent he was waiting at said time and that this is unacceptable and not in their sons best interests.

Stay strong the court will see the truth. Feel free to ring 101 for advice and reass. They will advise that you keep with the court order

Keep a timeline and actually print off all the texts.. They can be used in court.

What happened last night @Themadcatparade

Did you have dss for 2 weeks from 17th August in the end?

He got advised not to go up last night so he didn’t. We will just update the court about the incident.

He had a compromise about the two weeks. Said he would drop him back off on the Friday morning to coinside with her weekend with her son and not interrupt his sons routine...

He got a message off her saying drop him back off on Thursday instead as he has a school uniform appointment, so he did. So he never had his son for the two weeks, he had him for 10 days.

On the night we took his son away for his birthday, which was communicated to her in advance and details of stay sent over he had a missed call off the police which ruined the stay a little for us.

I’d keep trying to call the police back to get that sorted before you have go back to court (and have it in writing) to show she was lying in that letter too.
And if you can print off all these texts in chronological order and get a good timeline in place to show everything that is happening.

He’s just sent another letter to her detailing the events of what happened via the breach of last night and that some of the solicitors letter notes were false accusations. It will be sent to the court to update the current enforcement order.

The letter says he’s come up a few times in an intimidating manner and that he’s to park off the street in future and not turn up to the property in risk of his arrest. I came to pick his son up with him on his sons birthday and she went ballistic (We were two minutes early) and screamed at her son to shut the door whilst he was getting his shoes on in the porch. Wouldn’t let him out until after that two minutes have passed. I think that’s what a lot this is all about too.

I was dropping my other son off at school this morning, we have a car park in a petrol station next door where I have to park. She was there getting petrol and hung around for a while whilst I got my son out of the car and walked up to the school. Massive horrible smirk on her face

It's game playing, sadly, on her part.

Having been through similar with a very unreasonable ex, I learnt to stop the compromise to contact on my side too otherwise EXH took liberties and I felt more stressed. My ' let him have them that day because he wants to take them to...' , just increased his demands'. We both learnt to work with the court set contact, so for instance, some years Mothers Day would fall on my weekend. Sometimes it didn't. If it didn't we just nominated the closet weekend and had our own celebrations. DC's though that was fab...it was 'just our day' and no one else's mummy could even share it! ( and I just kept busy and tried not to think about it when it was Mother's Day and I knew they were sharing it with the new (OW) wife)

Contact was much easier sticking to the letter of the court order, no compromises or negotiation just both doing as the court told us. Over time this gave a much clearer routine for DC's without the 'court said, but EXH prefers'. So much more stable for the DC's and no negotiation needed.

I also bought a separate phone which was just for EXH contact. This was kept by my partner who managed communication much more objectively than I did, protected me against the awful messages and just shared the factual times/dates, collection points. Eventually EXH stopped the awful messages as he was getting no direct response to them.
Eventually, with the order and regular contact, phone contact wasn't needed, as we both kept to the details in the order. DC's came first, no changes. All communication at that point was by recorded delivery letter (again read and managed by my partner).

Horrid, horrid times. I feel for you all.

@AdelaidePlace

The phone sounds like a good idea, thank you. I’ll swing that idea by him.

He is very much happy sticking to a solid court order with no variation, he doesnt ask for anything extra It things to be changed with her as he knows what the answer would be from previous experience. On the Other hand, she does try and constantly change this to suit her own needs.

Some are reasonable requests - asking for his son to be dropped off for a few hours back at hers on his weekend as per her other child’s birthday. I remember on the day he found this acceptable and complied, only to have his son crying saying he did not want to go. What do we do in that case? For The sake of keeping peace With her he pretty much told his son he had to go against his wishes and dropped him off. He felt a bit stuck like he was caught in the middle there.

As harsh at it seemed going forwards now it might be best just to not compromise and stick to it regardless of what crops up. There’s been too many times where his son and himself has missed out for her demands and his requests have been a flat out ‘no.’

When you return to court to get fixed access I would think very carefully around birthdays/Christmas/Easter/Mother's Day etc Also that if DH asks for 1 x fortnight holiday in the summer (fixed as in first 2 full weeks of the school holidays Friday evening to Monday morning - so a bit more than 2 weeks plus a full week at Easter school holidays and Full week over Christmas that also the Ex gets the same and to be specified...

Personally I think don't get drawn in to exceptions for Birthdays, Fathers Day - just have a strict EOW policy.

Look at a 2 year (!) rota if you want alternate Christmas.

Personally I would take the moral high ground and have New Year and turn that into a 2nd family Christmas.

The reason why to have fixed full weeks over school holidays for both sides is for booking and arranging family holidays. It's also why you need to include drop off and collection times. I don't go away but are most holidays Saturday to Saturday, what if you want to go away for a fortnight? What if ex does?

The school holidays could all be allocated as full weeks split 50:50 and it may be fairer/simpler that way but also why you may need it on a 2 year rotating basis.