Manipulating child access

[Themadcatparade]

Partners ex is manipulating the court order once again for his sons access to see him.

Partners child is entitled to 2 weeks (Minimum) during the summer with him, as stated in the child access order. He has tried to propose time earlier on in August, with the flexibility to split the two weeks up so his sons time is shared a bit more on a balance.

Two of the earlier weeks in August were rejected by His ex partner, due to sons upcoming birthday.

We have finally got time with his son for next week and due to the summer ending soon we cannot split this two weeks up. It has now got to the point where there is only two weeks left of the summer holidays. The court order says that the time his son is entitled to see him is two weeks minimum, plus any other additional time to be agreed. However, my partner can’t split these two weeks now, as his ex has pushed it so late, any other time will go in to school term time. So he has said he will have his son for the two weeks in one set block, as it is too late to break this chunk up.

Ex is now saying that He is ‘not allowed’ to have two weeks (it states two weeks minimum on court order with the father) and that he is only allowed one and she will not allow it? She will be breaching the terms if she doesn’t allow her son the time with him won’t she?

She is also now saying that she is keeping his son for his night midweek “if you are allowed to keep my son for the full week then so am I”. After a few attempts at saying that partner does not wish to withdraw his midweek contact with his son, she’s still saying she can do this and hold his son at hers for his one overnight stay.

Court order says apart from the two weeks minimum, then normal term time contact should resume, which includes one night a week contact. She’s wrong to keep hold of him isn’t she?

It’s been a nightmare all round. He has been as reasonable and as flexible with her as he possibly can. Time has been manipulated by her for his son to see his father so much this year, for weeks at a time in some cases and including over Father’s Day and she’s attempting to keep him until last minute on his birthday to ensure he spends as little time as possible with his father. This also happened last year. All he wants is to have his permitted two weeks time with his son, but she’s arguing left right and centre that he’s not allowed it.

Causing distress to the child by not allowing him to call his dad, dad..... Yes that is parental alienation and I'm sure if you look it up you will think of other instances that fall into this category.

Sometimes we all do things so as not to upset the applecart but it sounds as though the horse bolted long ago and you need to formalise everything in court. And put it back to court EVERY single she breaches it.

Are you in a position to go for 50/50 care?

You are both doing brilliantly to try and put his sons needs first. Easier said than done, but do not stress and keep all communications concise, emotionless and factual. How old is the child? Is 4-8pm not a little late.

What you have described is definitely parental alienation. Cite this with the specific examples

If he can ask for increased contact- 50/50 or at least 50/50 school holidays and make clear the reasons why this is in his best interests. We've been there, I know how horrific it is, but it will get sorted. People like this do eventually get seen for what they are by the courts and it will help that you've got the paper trail. Short term pain, long term gain.

Wishing you all the best.

I think one of his biggest concern is if we list x, y and z it will look like he is putting the ‘blame game’ on her and trying to get one over on her. Does that make sense? He said she said kind of behaviour. We know they will look at this case and think ‘what a mess’. In that sense, I don’t know if it’s wise to put everything. There is just too much now.

She has accused him of certain behaviours (which aren’t true or have been twisted) via solicitors letters and made it paint out to be like he’s not playing ball. She won’t communicate properly when he needs to know whether his son has been fed etc but blames him for not communicating because he won’t respond to her horrible messages she has sent him. He mentions her behaviour and carrying on will eventually lead back to court For breaching - then he gets a solicitors letter accusing him of breaching for staying outside the home for a night. Ridiculous stuff. Regarding the courts opinion, he does not want to make it seem like he is playing her own games back, he does not play games because it’s unfair on his son and too tiresome!

It's clear that the ex wants to control the situation and yes it's going down the parental alienation route.

Of course the ex is allowed an uninterrupted week/fortnight with her DS - they would be holidays! Had she said she would like a fortnight of exclusive time or 2 x 1 weeks as part of agreeing your partners weeks it all could have been reasonably agreed

When you get back to court I would be asking for additional full weeks to tie in with school holidays.

Personally I wouldn't be bothered about seeing DS on his actual birthday, I would be asking for additional contact around his birthday that sort of thing.

All the best on resolving this via court and getting the order enforced and tbh contact increased! Sounds like you you need an absolute fixed contact agreement as there will never be reasonableness with his ex.

When you submit your statement to the court for the hearing you need to put all incidents in chronological order and then in the appendix put all the evidence. Ensure any verbal conversation is then followed up by email. It is not tit for tat. It is the only way to stop bullies is by standing firm. Remember solicitors are paid to do what their client tells them to do. They can only advise then follow instruction. They do not mean what she is saying is being believed.

Look at it this way. See it as playing games (its not though) would you rather sort this whilst his son is young before it can do deep emotional damage or allow her to keep bullying your DP and damage his son just to try and keep things amicable (which they're not!)

We have been there and we've come through the other side. DSSs mum hates us with a passion but she has learnt that she has to stick by the court order and cannot use parental alienation as last time that involved SS involvement and a parenting course for her.

@Themadcatparade

We will do thank you. We have loads of evidence in his favour over the last year so it might take time to pile this together. He plans to keep his son for the time entitled as per order, we are just concerned about the threat of her turning up here on the second week in at attempt to retrieve him.

Additionally, her partner is in the police, it was him who rang my partner and told him on her behalf to get off her property and that they will be taking it further on grounds of threatening behaviour and harassment for him calling around and knocking on the door at pick up time. He was off duty. Is he abusing his status here? How far would a potential complaint against him go?

Report the police officer for this behaviour. To his commanding officer and the PCC. Be clear you want it investigated and stopped.

His senior officers will hand him his arse on a plate. At the very least tell him to wind his neck in. If they don’t refer it to IOPC.

what a nightmare OP, but i have to say you and your DP are handling this very well.

You/both need to stand firm, she is playing silly games and clearly she is not putting the child first.

How old is the child?

I would also mention to her about court/going back etc, else you will have this every single holidays.
Absolutely also report her partner, get him his arse handed to him. He is utterly abusing his position. He should not be gettingi involved.

His son is 6. We have managed to pick him up for his ‘two weeks’ with us but mum is still absolutely adamant that he is only spending the week, even after letters have been sent to her explaining court order and dates etc.

I guess if you don't return him after one week she can attempt to take it to court... one way or resolving it!!!

Stte
Often normal contact is stopped when there is holiday contact. So for example the father wouldn't get eow and midweek contsct if has 2 weeks holiday contact. Eow and midweek would return when school restarts.
I would check the exact wording of the order.
I would also email and state that if she will not follow the order that you will be retu2to court.

Just seen your update. She will be in contempt of court if she does try to remove him although as the court order is in place which stipulates the minimum time for holiday contact, no one will be able to force the child to leave.

Return him on the Monday at the normal time. This keeps in with the two weeks. He wouldn't be in school until the Wednesday or Thursday that week anyway so no issues around missing first day of school. Either way, start the application to court to enforce the order as she in not following it thus it's having a negative effect on DSS. There's no way it can't be affecting him when in her care given how she was to your partner when he initially went to collect.

Just keep him for the two weeks and don't engage further. You have a court order to follow.

I am glad to hear you now have him. I too would keep him for the court stated time. If she wants him back she can get an emergency order from the court..... And if she dares get her copper partner involved I would straight to the regulating body complaining.

Not defending all of the ex's behaviour....but surely she is entitled to a week or two with her son in the summer holidays as much as your partner is allowed his 2 weeks with his son

Wow, this is terrible. I have 3 kids from a previous relationship and one child with my current partner. My ex doesn’t even look to see his children, he has never ever payed anything towards them and can’t even be bother to text and see how they are. His mother gets the kids for one day every two weeks but has to arrange it on a day that her 30 year old son can leave the house as he doesn’t want to see them. My ex also has another child who is one and he shares 50/50 custody with her mother, but can’t bare to see his other 3 every second week for 3 or 4 hours. If I was you I would continue to do what you both are doing and I just can’t believe some people. There are good fathers and shit fathers in this world and your step son is lucky to have got one of the good ones. Drag her ass back to court and keep doing it until she gets the message!💕🌸

@amy85 of course she is and has she entered in reasonable communication she could have said I would like a fortnight or 2 x 1 weeks with DC as our "holiday" on weeks x y z.

Stick to your guns, she sounds mad. What suits her not what suits your DS

@RandomMess but the ex did say she wanted him for a week but op's partner said he didn't want to withdraw his midweek contact...yes she probably didn't ask in the most reasonable way but op's partner's response wasn't the most reasonable either

Surely if she wanted the compete weeks she should have requested it when the court order was being made? That is not the fathers fault she didn't.

The court order has to be followed regardless of whether she's realised she forgot to ask for something. If she doesn't like it then she needs to go back to court.

I can't believe the court order doesn't allow us ex to take the DC away on holiday without breaching the order...

The op even referred to term time contact resuming which implies that non-term time contact is different...

Of course she is allowed to take her child away in the summer that’s not what this is about at all. The court order can be broken if this is agreed between themselves. Unfortunately there’s no ‘give’ on her side at all, there never has been and it’s come back to bite her in the ass.

She kicked off last year because we took son on holiday for 5 days (his first ever holiday) and there wasn’t much she could do about it (she was on holiday herself at the time.) We notified her and gave details of stay as per order. She sent a solicitors letter stating that she wanted contact with son on x,y and z night, and that because we are taking him away for 5 days she wanted a full two weeks with son following with NO contact whatsoever from father, she took son away on two separate holidays and did not disclose details to father on whereabouts of his son. Father agreed to this because he did not want his son missing out. My partner has let her have every bit of his time she’s wanted - whether that be for a party or a meal out or whatever, he has never said no to her. She’s always said no to him. No holiday with his grandparents, no time to spend with our other son on our other sons birthday. It’s always ‘i have plans’ Or ‘this is MY week’.

This year, she mentioned taking him away but it would run over his weekend and my partner said it was okay, as long as he could have the weekend running up to his birthday as to not miss out on birthday plans. It only did she want his weekend, she said no to giving him her weekend. She tried to make him have him not the weekend after her holiday, because she didn’t want to give her allocates weekend up but to wait the week after. which would have meant him not doing anything for his birthday with his father until the third week after his birthday date. How is that fair? Luckily her holiday was cancelled.

The two weeks in the summer is to make up for all lost time over the holidays and the year, but she can’t even let him have that. How is that fair?

Due to the court order, He will never wake up with His son on Christmas Day. How is that fair?

Due to the court order, he will never wake up with his son on his sons birthday. How is that fair?

Due to the court order, he will only get a few hours on Father’s Day. How is that fair?

Due to the court order, Easter weekend will always be spent with the mother. How is that fair?

My partner wanted 50/50 in court, and it was not granted but the summer is the time where he can have this quo’s Lott time with his son. The only reason she wanted that ‘Week’ is to get one over on him. As stated in a message ‘if you are having MY son for two weeks straight then so am I’. There was no holiday planned, it was purely for control over their time together. If she wanted a week she could have asked politely and there would not have been a problem. Instead she tried to change it so his son wouldn’t see him until three weeks after his birthday. She said no to two weeks that he proposed after that and she’s kicking off about the court order allowing him a bit of time?

You need to understand who we are up against here. She’s taken a month off us at one point and controlled all the phone calls between them. She’s attempted to take three weeks off us recently due to his son having gastro for two days, and lied that the doctors orders said to keep inside the house for three weeks. She’s purposely got a covid test on his night when son had no symptoms so he couldn’t have his midweek contact. She’s taken Father’s Day from him. She’s purposely witheld a covid result so he couldn’t see his dad over the weekend, sending the result with the time and date cropped out only when his weekend had passed. Shes refused any Lost time for him to make back up with his father when asked. ‘You are not entitled to extra time’. She’s made him have almost 8 months without hardly any contact with son before the court order was granted.

So no, I’m not buying that he’s being unfair for saying no to having his wednesday for the first time ever, particularly when she’s done it purely in spite and not for a genuine purpose. His son needs this time with his father, especially after this year.

Just go back to court and ask for increased contact as she is consistently breaching it to DS detriment.

KOKO

Present a case for parental alienation as she is monitoring all phone calls etc.

Update -

Enforcement order was sent off detailing every single episode we could gather evidence for, along with the breach of that Wednesday. My partner had multiple phone calls off the police after coming to try and pick his son up.

She’s only gone and done it again for tonight! Sent a message saying that she is keeping him for (another?!) uninterrupted week and that there is no reason for him to come up to her house tonight as she’s keeping him at hers. It’s his night tonight and his first day back at school tomorrow.

I’m up to my ears with it all now, there’s nothing he can do about it either. He knows his son won’t be there for pick up tonight, yet another breach and he knows he will have the police to deal with again.

I feel like sobbing I am so frustrated with how much she hurts him.