Wife left and denying me child access

[Alexjames92]

Hello. Last weekend, my wife left me and moved into her mum's. She didn't tell me she was planning on doing this (we've spoke about breaking up a bit recently but I never thought she'd do this). She also took our two daighters, aged 2 and 4. Since she's gone, she has only let me see the girls twice, and it had to be round theirs with both her and her mother present. She will not let me take them out as she thinks I will take them away. There is no reason for her to think like this, as I've always been a very much hands on dad and realise that the children need both parents. Last night, she realised that I've spoken to a solicitor, and my wife went mad and started telling me I have no rights to do that and that she is allowed full custody over them, which my solicitor has told me is rubbish. Hopefully the solicitors and courts will grant me equal access (which is what I've been told I'm entitled too). But the only trouble, due to covid, the courts are backlogged until atleast December. I just don't know what. Going to do if I can't see my beautiful girls before next year. I'm going to text her later just to ask if I can see the girls but I know she will either say no, or totally ignore me (I've been asking by text as then I have proof that I've been trying to see them). I'm just so worried and upset!

Why did she leave?

Presuming you’re a non violent, non controlling partner who is a good dad then ask her to go to mediation with you. Put all requests for contact in texts/emails so you have a paper trail and get moving with the legal side of things.

@QualityFeet has exactly the right advice. Do that.
Also set up maintenance for your kids

@QualityFeet

Presuming you’re a non violent, non controlling partner who is a good dad then ask her to go to mediation with you. Put all requests for contact in texts/emails so you have a paper trail and get moving with the legal side of things.

I've been telling my solicitor about my wife and her mother, who are both extremely controlling/bullies. She advised that mediation isn't the route for us as she would just bulky me into getting what she wants (she can be very vindictive and know how to twist things). I've instructed my solicitor to write a letter to her, outlining my wishes (including a two weekly plan where I'd see the girls) and we will see where that gets us. If she refuses the plans (which I know she will) then it's going to become a court matter. I do so much for them girls (one of them has medical issues resulting in lengthy visits to hospitals, and I've always got to be the one to stay 24/7 at the hospital as my wife doesn't like hospitals, even when we weren't sure if our daughter would survive!). I think, judging by her reactions to when she found out I've got a solicitor, I think she is panicking big time. I'm just going to miss them so much until this is all over.

In my experience in dealing with people in similar situations, it's actually not all that common for women to stop contact for no reason at all. Is there a reason she might not want the children around you?

Also, you aren't entitled to anything. It's the children who are entitled to a relationship with both parents if it is safe and in their best interests.

My cynicism aside, set up maintenance through CMS, paper trail of messages asking to see children, apply to court and buckle up. It's all you can do.

Why did she leave without telling you? Was she scared?

Be honest with yourself, because it seems highly unlikely that if you're such the dad you claim to be, no normal mother would restrict access to these extremes.

You have also trashed her here about her being scared of hospitals, putting her in a bad light to make you seem more "suitable" and in a better position to win a custody case.

Also think what's actually best for your daughters? Because being split between two parents, two households is fricking damaging. It's disruptive.

@dreamingmama

Why did she leave without telling you? Was she scared?

Be honest with yourself, because it seems highly unlikely that if you're such the dad you claim to be, no normal mother would restrict access to these extremes.

You have also trashed her here about her being scared of hospitals, putting her in a bad light to make you seem more "suitable" and in a better position to win a custody case.

Also think what's actually best for your daughters? Because being split between two parents, two households is fricking damaging. It's disruptive.

Believe me. My wife has spent the entire lockdown ignoring the children. I've been doing all our youngest ones medications, feeding them, getting them dressed, playing with them etc. My mother in law has told her daughter that mother's have more rights and that "dad's are just sperm donors and don't really matter". When our youngest one gets I'll, she needs a sudden emergency injection administered within minutes, if not she can become unresponsive and die. My wife can't even do that, I've had to rush home from work (it takes 20 minutes the journey) to do it once as my wife was too panicked. My mother in law has even told me that the girls are "hers". My wife gets very bad anger issues at times and has shouted at the girls in a very nasty manner, even sweating at them at times, that's no way to talk to a 4 and 2 year old! I haven't done anything wrong in all of this, but they can't see that. They are dominating and possessive and have got exactly what they want. I did also hear that my wife is on dating sites, which isn't nice when she was still living with me and is still married too me (even though we don't wear our rings and she has stollen mine!!)

Hope you get to see them op

You’ve seen them twice in a week. I don’t think that’s too bad at this stage - just a week since separation.

@catspyjamas123

You’ve seen them twice in a week. I don’t think that’s too bad at this stage - just a week since separation.

But there is no reason why it has to be under their supervision. They have NO reason not to trust me. Why can my mother in law dictate to me when I can see my own children? And ever since they worked out last night that I am seeing a solicitor, she has told me that I will never be allowed to see them again and she thinks I'm not entitled to seek legal advice and to go through this process. The amount of times my wife and her mum have both broken down in the past when the children have been with them because "they can't cope" and they have to phone my 82 year old gran to help them out and to take the girls out (when I'm at work etc) is ridiculous.

This is so typical. A man post here and responses automatically imply that OP must be at fault for his wife leaving and refusing unsupervised access! When it's a woman posting, it's always assumed that what she right is a fair description of the situation.

OP, you'd probably be better posting somewhere that is not as biased towards men. Good luck.

Of course you are entitled to legal advice. But is it really true these two have no idea how to look after children? That seems a little extreme. The kids have a right to a relationship with both parents.

If your wife is so incapable of caring for your children why were you leaving them with her and going to work?

@GemmeFatale

If your wife is so incapable of caring for your children why were you leaving them with her and going to work?

Because my solicitor has said I need to play her game and basically let her dictate things for now. The more she refuses me access and the more unreasonable she becomes, the worse it looks on her part

Just do what the solicitor says.

Set up bank transfers for maintenance, never ever cash as she will allege she never got it.

Be polite and respectful, punctual on your visits and see dc every single time you have agreed, prioritise them. Give her no cause for complaint. Don’t be late or ‘had to work late‘ ever.

No snide remarks even under provocation. Certainly not in front of DC. All email or text chains saved for evidence of things which may be required at a later date.

Women can be very vindictive when it comes to children however I’m just wondering why she left you? If you have done nothing wrong and she’s has then why did she leave you?

@Ladedada

Women can be very vindictive when it comes to children however I’m just wondering why she left you? If you have done nothing wrong and she’s has then why did she leave you?

She has been telling me for months that she doesn't love me anymore and that the marriage is over. We haven't got on for quite some time but I never wanted to admit it was over. She kept telling me to leave our home (I pay for the rent) and I kept saying no. She is now saying that I've forced her and the children out. I have never told her to leave and would never want the children to leave. I found out last week she was on multiple dating/sexting sites and that hurt me so much. I confronted her about it, and we kept arguing and she then left on Sunday. It never got physical or threatening, I just wanted to know why she was doing it and to what extent (such as if she was sending naughty pics and videos etc) to which she just said "not telling you as you'll get jealous"!

@dreamingmama

Why did she leave without telling you? Was she scared?

Be honest with yourself, because it seems highly unlikely that if you're such the dad you claim to be, no normal mother would restrict access to these extremes.

You have also trashed her here about her being scared of hospitals, putting her in a bad light to make you seem more "suitable" and in a better position to win a custody case.

Also think what's actually best for your daughters? Because being split between two parents, two households is fricking damaging. It's disruptive.

I didn't have the 5th poster in my bingo card of typical MN response to come on here when there's a man posting and assume that he must be at fault. Maybe next time.

Do exactly what the solicitor tells you to do op. Have you got evidence of the dating/sexting sites? Take screen shots of everything. If you think your children are at risk then phone social services.

@Ladedada

Women can be very vindictive when it comes to children however I’m just wondering why she left you? If you have done nothing wrong and she’s has then why did she leave you?

Because of course it must be OP's fault she left. Because you know everything.

@Elieza

Just do what the solicitor says.

Set up bank transfers for maintenance, never ever cash as she will allege she never got it.

Be polite and respectful, punctual on your visits and see dc every single time you have agreed, prioritise them. Give her no cause for complaint. Don’t be late or ‘had to work late‘ ever.

No snide remarks even under provocation. Certainly not in front of DC. All email or text chains saved for evidence of things which may be required at a later date.

This is good advice. Do follow it.

This sounds really similar to a real like situation I know is happening, although some of the details are different. In the situation I know the man is an utter control freak and has tried to turn his wife’s friends against her by telling lies about her ability to be a mother. He has also told the same lies to SS. He also disappeared with the dc and didn’t tell anyone were he was for three days. The wife only moved in with her mother to give them space to think but after he fucked off with the dc she took them properly to live at her mothers. And yes the courts are backed up.

There is just something about you OP I don’t believe.

So she told you months ago that it was over, asked you to leave...and you said no.
She left because she told you it was over and you refused to agree for months. During that time she lived as the single person because she was single. You reducing to allow her to end the relationship is a bit of red flag

@Boonlark

So she told you months ago that it was over, asked you to leave...and you said no. She left because she told you it was over and you refused to agree for months. During that time she lived as the single person because she was single. You reducing to allow her to end the relationship is a bit of red flag

And then MN will be awash with "well you walked out on your children what did you expect?" Geez the poor guy can't win can he?

Boon,

Are you serious? Why should he leave just because his wife asked? Would the same be true the other way around? Especially as the OP seems to be the main carer for his children.

OP,

Just follow your solicitor’s advice. Ask about some kind of emergency contact order (not sure if it exists). Surely there must be a way of gaining court enforced contact before December?! What happens if your unwell daughter needs a hospital stay now, if your wife refuses to go?

In addition, get the divorce started as soon as possible.