Wife left and denying me child access

[Alexjames92]

Hello. Last weekend, my wife left me and moved into her mum's. She didn't tell me she was planning on doing this (we've spoke about breaking up a bit recently but I never thought she'd do this). She also took our two daighters, aged 2 and 4. Since she's gone, she has only let me see the girls twice, and it had to be round theirs with both her and her mother present. She will not let me take them out as she thinks I will take them away. There is no reason for her to think like this, as I've always been a very much hands on dad and realise that the children need both parents. Last night, she realised that I've spoken to a solicitor, and my wife went mad and started telling me I have no rights to do that and that she is allowed full custody over them, which my solicitor has told me is rubbish. Hopefully the solicitors and courts will grant me equal access (which is what I've been told I'm entitled too). But the only trouble, due to covid, the courts are backlogged until atleast December. I just don't know what. Going to do if I can't see my beautiful girls before next year. I'm going to text her later just to ask if I can see the girls but I know she will either say no, or totally ignore me (I've been asking by text as then I have proof that I've been trying to see them). I'm just so worried and upset!

No, I don't mean he should have left, but he seems to have not agreed they'd split up that point when she said it was over. And refused to agree they'd split for months. And is upset she was on dating sites when she was single already

Your wife sounds bloody desperate OP. I feel a lot of sympathy for her.

@Atadaddicted

Your wife sounds bloody desperate OP. I feel a lot of sympathy for her.

Of course you would because your projecting your own man hating views

Couldn't possibly be because this WOMAN is a vile vindictive bullying bitch. Just because the poster has a Y chromosome doesn't make him an abuser

Ridiculous and pathetic comment which speaks more about you than it does anything else

You were leaving the children in her care while you went to work long before solicitors became involved. If you didn’t believe she was capable of managing in a medical emergency (As you now claim) I’m not sure why you wouldn’t have addressed that before the marriage failed.

Get the best solicitor you can afford and good luck op .

Shocking replies here. I'm gobsmacked.

If the marriage was over a discussion should have been had before the wife left about how access to the children would be managed. She can't just take the kids and keep them from their father because she's decided she doesn't want to be with him anymore, The poster who said that going between two homes is 'disruptive' for the kids....wtf?! Are you suggesting the op just accepts the fact that he can't see his kids anymore then? Would you be happy with that if your partner left you and took your kids?

Many vindictive women often do this sort of shit. Because the marriage is over they want to cut all ties and act if their ex no longer exists in the lives of their kids too. It's disgusting.

Op please do keep fighting. The courts will take a very dim view of her restricting access for no good reason. It may take time but you will be able to see your kids. Keep all correspondence, always be civil however hard that is. I'm sorry you're going through this.

@dreamingmama

why did she leave without telling you? Was she scared?

Be honest with yourself, because it seems highly unlikely that if you're such the dad you claim to be, no normal mother would restrict access to these extremes.

You have also trashed her here about her being scared of hospitals, putting her in a bad light to make you seem more "suitable" and in a better position to win a custody case.

Sorry to burst your bubble but women can be abusers to, women can be crap mothers, women can use the children as ammunition against their fathers, it’s seen time and time again.

Why do you assume he has done something wrong? Also don’t tell me women on MN don’t trash their partners, cos there are hundreds of threads on here doing just that

Putting my cynicism aside, if you are a good father and no threat to anyone, my advice would be to perhaps talk to another solicitor. It isn't the case they will all tell you the same thing.

Meditation is always the first course of action. It is not advised where there has been abuse but I'm not convinced your wife's actions would fit that criteria. Either party not attending meditation without a good reason will look bad in court.

I think you should be attending a MIAM and getting your wife invited to one so that a mediator can assess the situation. That is what always happens first. To go to court you need a mediator to have signed your forms anyway to say it has been considered and rejected or that it isn't suitable in the circumstances. Mediation doesn't even have to involve you being in the same room if there are issues.

Your solicitor may be keen for you to take the legal route rather than the mediation route for the wrong reasons.

Getting mediation underway means you are taking positive steps. You can still send letters via a solicitor outlining your proposals. Also, it's not the case that 50:50 is always the outcome. A more common set-up, particularly for young children is every other weekend and one week night.

@Codexdivinchi

This sounds really similar to a real like situation I know is happening, although some of the details are different. In the situation I know the man is an utter control freak and has tried to turn his wife’s friends against her by telling lies about her ability to be a mother. He has also told the same lies to SS. He also disappeared with the dc and didn’t tell anyone were he was for three days. The wife only moved in with her mother to give them space to think but after he fucked off with the dc she took them properly to live at her mothers. And yes the courts are backed up.

There is just something about you OP I don’t believe.

I am not a control freak firstly. I'm scared to talk half the time to my wife incase it turns into a fight or I upset her. I haven't even been able to sleep in bed for two years because I move about too much so have been on the sofa. If you don't believe me and want to make some similarities to other cases, then that's up to you. But I know what's gone on and what's happening!

@Alexjames92 I don't think you have posted in the right place sadly. You may get some good practical advice but also a ton of skepticism and assumptions from man haters. Believe me if a woman were posting this the responses would be a lot different. Good luck I hope it works out for you.

is there a reason that your mother-in-law seems to have quite a big influence on what you are and aren't allowed to do? Coupled with some comments about your wife disliking hospitals and administering vital medication to the point that she can't do it for her extremley ill child makes me wonder if perhaps she has some anxiety/depression/personality disorder going on?

2 visits in a week and it's only been a week since she left isn't bad at all, but if she is paranoid about you taking the children and not bringing them back this could be fuelled by something like anxiety or a personality disorder, you contacting the solicitor so soon could have potentially made these fears worse. (I'm not saying that you shouldn't be allowed unsupervised access to your children, just that I know only too well how all encompassing those fears can be).

You've had very good advice here in regards to keeping a log of all communication, remaining civil, polite and factual no matter how hard it may be. The courts will not view her keeping your children away from you in a good light at all, if you have been honest here and you have given her no reasons for her to feel this way then I see no reason that a court case would not go in your favour. Children have a right to a relationship with both parents as long as it is in their benefit.

However, the fact that she told you that she was not happy and the relationship was over - which you ignored and you admit that you didnt want to accept that the relationship was over - means that you were completley unreasonable to get angry at her for being on a dating site and had no right to ask what she had sent to other men; and when she refused you certainly shouldn't have kept on at her. She asked you to leave, which you didn't and she couldn't force you too (rightfully so), but she made it very clear that she wasn't happy there and so she left instead. You can't force somebody to live with you, or be in a relationship with you.

You mention that you work - and you pay the rent, does she work? If she doesn't work then I assume she takes care of the children while you are at work - meaning she does a large chunk of the childcare and it would make sense that she took the children with her when she left. Perhaps a discussion should have been had but considering you wouldn't accept the relationship was over, would you have listened to what she said?

OP, if you had switched the sexes and posted this as a woman saying her husband and gone to his mum's with the kids, then you would be getting very different responses.

When women post in these situations, their story is believed and they are just given the advice they need. When men post, the responders fall over themselves to blame him and add in their own narrative to excuse the woman's behaviour.

You could be innocent in this, or you could have driven her away. We will never know. Same as if a woman had posted. But it doesnt matter. The advice is the same.

You do as your solicitor has instructed. And you should instigate the CMS claim; if you do that voluntarily and get the child support sorted and paid then it looks much better for you. Make sure all your communication with her is in writing. And no matter how much she bullies or bites, you must remained calm. Be clear about your wish to see the children, but dont get personal with her. And dont ever be late or cancel if she does let you in.

Regarding the medical side; is your daughter under ongoing supervision? Would her medical staff know that you're the one who provides the medical care? Is she due any appointments soon? You need to keep up to date with that; make sure that if your wife misses any medical appointments, or doeant collect a prescription or anything at all, then you should speak to your solicitor. If your child is at risk of negligence due to her medical condition then you might get an emergency hearing. Or perhaps have police do welfare checks on the girl regarding her medical care if appointments or medications are missed.

Personally I would request police or ss to do a welfare check at least. Your dc has a medical issue that your ex can't manage. .

And please take on board the comments about your behaviour when she ended the relationship.

She didnt need your permission to end it. She wasnt happy. She didnt love you. She told you it was over. She did nothing wrong there.

She asked you to leave and you refused. Fine; she cant make you leave, but you should have had a grown up discussion about the living situation. She left instead. Nothing wrong with that. You suggest that you pay for the home, so you can live there and keep doing that or downsize if you cant afford it alone.

The only thing she did wrong was grabbing the kids and then restrictions access. Nothing else was wrong. She didnt need your permission to be single.

Why should the OP pay maintenance? He is happy to have the children. In fact, he wants to have the children 50% of the time. I cannot believe that the first thing any woman on here would do after her husband took their children away and refused to let her see them would be to start paying them money. Seriously?!

'She didnt need your permission to end it. She wasnt happy. She didnt love you. She told you it was over. She did nothing wrong there.'

Up to a point. Anyone can leave a relationship/marriage at any point but, again, I struggle to believe anyone on here would be happy if their partner did that and immediately got on dating/sexting sites while living under the same roof as them and their children. Feelings cannot be switched off immediately and blatantly dating in front of a very recent ex is just not respectful.

@larrygrylls

Its not respectful, but the OP seemed to be going for the cheating angle. She didnt cheat. She told him the marriage was over.
He needs to concentrate on the kids now; not on her dating. Its over.

We're advising him to start paying maintenance because when he ends up in court, it makes him look better. This is all about doing whatever he can to show he is reasonable and wants the best for his kids. He wants them 50% but until then his wife is the resident parent; showing the court that he still happily provided for the kids is a good move.

@larrygrylls but the OP states that she had been telling him for months, and that they haven't even slept in the same bed for two years. It also doesn't sound like his wife was blatantly showing him her dating site profiles - in fact when he asked her she refused to tell him the details because 'he would get jealous'. Which she had every right to do, I actually think someone who was vindictive would be more than happy to rub salt in the wound and tell him exactly what was said and done. He asked her if she had sent nudes! That is just not acceptable. Nobody is saying that he had to be happy with it, nor are they saying he couldn't be hurt, but he did not have a right to interrogate her.

Also child maintenance is not dependant on whether or not the non-resident parent is willing to have the children, it is dependant on the children's need to be financially provided for by both parents and so if the OP does not get 50:50 custody, then whichever parent has the lesser share should of course pay maintenance. If the OP works full time and his wife doesn't then she would have been the main carer for the children (I'm only going by the fact that he only mentioned himself going to work and that he pays the rent I could be wrong), then yes, he does need to make sure he is providing for his children still - likewise if a dad was a stay at home parent and he took the children then yes, the mother should be providing in that circumstance.

Sorry to hear your situation. Similar to my DP and his ex who painted him out to be an abuser when after the years we've been together, emails, phone calls and such I've witnessed its quite the contrary.

Some good advice in between all the man bashing has been given. Accept in the short term your access will be restricted and controlled. It will hurt and tear you apart but keep yourself child focused and keep your emotions out of it. Ensure all contact with your ex is via email or text. Even if a phone call occurs follow it up with an email outlining the content. Courts do not take the mothers side automatically. They do whats in the best interests for the child. Ensure you document everything, dates and times. When you have had to do things that your wife has not been able to do when taking care of your children's needs.

Relationships break down. It took my DP 2 years to get access sorted (40%him now despite her saying no overnights at all) and god knows how many allegations, all investigated and stated in reports as unfounded and malicious, which is why the courts ruled in the way they did for shared care. No matter what she is their Mum. Separate your feelings towards her and ensure you deploy the grey rock technique. It may take a while but it does get better. You will get fair time with your children and your solicitor and if needed courts will support this. Just be honest at every step and keep everything focused around what is in the children's best interests.

@dontdisturbmenow well said

Also please at least try mediation before court, of course your solicitor would not want that as it means no money for them

@Collaborate ahh no I don’t think necessarily think it’s his fault because she left.. but doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a reason for leaving. That’s why I asked the question because I don’t know everything!

That’s why I asked the question because I don’t know everything
So do you ask any female poster who post about divorce and her ex trying to fiddle his account to pay next to no child maintenance why he left her, insinuating that he must have left because she was abusive and that he has a valid reason to want to pay less maintenance?

Of course we never know the full background, but posts by women are taken at face value, so why can't male posters benefit from the same?

@Jonny222, thank you.

Op, I think the best you can do for now is stay calm and do as your solicitor instructs. Don’t rise no matter how tempting.

See your dds at their home, don’t argue or raise your voice. Let your solicitor do his job.

The situation you describe isn’t fair on you or your dds but hopefully it will be sorted by xmas. Good luck

@dontdisturbmenow most posts I’ve seen from women say the reason why their ex left... such as he left for another women etc etc.

Why are you having a go at me for getting background information to make advice giving more accurate. I’m not a man hater, there’s always 2 sides to a story. I’m not even saying it’s his fault she left.. just what her reasons are, I’d ask a women for more info too.

I am more concerned for your daughters welfare in case emergency injections are needed. Your Solicitor should also of advised you to put all forms of communication in email only, put your DC interests first before any issues you have with your wife, and to apply for an Emergency Prohibited Steps Order preventing your wife moving away without your consent.

What name is your tenancy in?

Why are you having a go at me for getting background information to make advice giving more accurate
8m not having ago at you specifically but to all.those who've been asking irrelevant questions and then applying that OP is in the wrong.

And no, men don't always leave because there's another woman, and no, posters don't normally insist on knowing the reason when it isn't stated in the first place.