Father's visitation to a newborn? Shared Custody?

[Singlemum401]

Hi!
I'm due in November and I don't know what to expect that the father is entitled to once baby is born.
I'll have primary care and I'm planning to breast feed and I know he is going to want to have baby as much as he can.
He doesn't drive and lives over an hour away so it's not like he can just pop round for a visit either and I'm not going to be driving baby over an hour there and over an hour back multiple times a week just because he can't drive.
I can see him taking me to court for all I'm worth and I just want to have an idea of how it can work and what he will be legally entitled to?

I also don't want baby going on public transport for the first year because of all this COVID-19.

Can he get public transport to some to you?

Visitation is meant to benefit the child not the ostentatious. It isn't in a new born baby's interest to be dragged from house to house every day especially if half of that time is transport

I can see him taking me to court for all I'm worth so you mean he'll keep taking you until you run out of money to fight or he wants money FROM you?

It will take him 2.5 hours on public transport to get to me.

If he takes me to court it wont be for money and I don't want money from him, He'll want weekends and overnight visits and visits to his house which will too far.

Can he learn to drive before then?

It won't be a problem for quite a while because it will be a breast feeding newborn and because of covid. As long as you make the baby available for a short time, when he gets to you, I should think this will suffice for the next year or two. After that I should imagine things will be clearer, the baby older and you will build up visits. It won't go from hardly anything to whole weekends.

He can book an air B&B and do short visits... His problem to sort not yours op. You will be raising a brand new baby. Let him seek legal advice. And it's costs. And Cms. Will he do you think?

For a newborn a court wouldn’t expect the breastfed baby to be away from mum for contact. All visits should be at your home. Short, maybe a couple of hours in the evening where he can bath the baby and play for a bit although lots of babies cluster feed in the evenings so that might be a bad time for him to come. Maybe during the day would be better if possible. Play it by ear because you can’t predict how the baby will be from one day to the next. Don’t agree to any fixed time schedule because you can’t know whether it will work for the baby. As the baby grow bigger and is feeding less the dad can start to take it out for walks in the pram, to the swings etc and build up to longer periods of time with it before overnight care eventually.

Baby can’t be away from you overnight or even more than a few hours because you will be BF. That’s what the NHS recommend , it’s best for baby and your health .

Whether that’s suits him or not isn’t relevant.

Baby can’t be away from you for more that a few hours because of this.

He will be expected to come to your home to see baby for a couple of hours a couple of times a week. His transport issues are not your problem. He could move house to be nearer you if he wanted to.

Don’t give baby his surname. Don’t let him come to register baby with you and put his name on the BC.

I agree with getting legal advice and definitely apply for child support through CMS. Gingerbread is a lone parent support service. They can advise on things like this and direct you to more support.

Please try not to worry about it too much. Many men like the idea of being a parent, putting photos on FB and boasting to all their mates. Very few of them actually seem to like the very hard work involved.

I’d be amazed if your baby’s father is actually willing to spend every weekend travelling a 5 hour round trip to stay in an Air bnb to spend two hours on two days seeing his child.

You OTOH will have to care for baby single handed 24/7. And entertain your ex twice a week. So you might think it’s more work for you. But you’d be wrong. Caring for babies small children is one of these tasks that’s a privilege and a pleasure for women but extremely demanding and hard work for men .

So I suspect he will do this a few months and then to be too tired/ busy.

Seriously consider not entering him on the birth certificate, as to do so would give him certain parental rights.
As you are not married, he would have to go with you to register the birth and be included. If you register the birth on your own, he cannot be included.

He wouldn’t get overnight contact with the baby if you are breastfeeding. A few hours a week would be standard contact for him, and it would be his responsibility to arrange and pay for all travel.

Give the baby your own surname, not his.

Some of these answers are fucking disgusting “don’t put him in the birth certificate.’ She has but said he’s a bad personality, or he will be a bad dad. This just seems to be a new mother to be concerned about being away from her baby. He should see the child, how you do that.... i suggest you have a conversation with the father and work out something as ambically as possible as you don’t really want to start on a bad note. As a mother of two children whose father died, please be positive and encouraging for him to see the baby. You don’t know when you would be grateful for
That knock on the door to help out.

Try not to worry and anticipate problems. It's up to him to arrange how he is going to manage visits. No court IMHO is going to say a new baby can go on public transport at this time.

The advice to 'not put him in the birth certificate' is wrong. A father can just apply to the court for parental responsibility. The best interests of the child are paramount so there has to be a very strong argument for not giving him PR.
OP, don't worry, the father will not be able to have the baby for any length of time for at least 6 months if you are breastfeeding. It is important, however, for your dc to have a positive relationship with both parents wherever possible.

I really am not interested in child support. I don't need nor want the money off of him. So that is of no concern.

The reason i asked was because he has a 4 year old and took the mother to court because she stopped him seeing the daughter. He won every other weekend and a couple days a week which until baby is walking and talking and understand being away from me and i'm not abandoning them then I'm really not comfortable hence wanting to know what the routine is.

He is the possibility of being the father but so is someone else. The someone else, doesn't think this baby is his and doesn't want to know anything about it so I'm not bothering with him. If he's not concerned now he isn't going to be when baby is born.

The surname will be mine but then if it is the male who already has a child I'm stuck with whether his name should be double barrelled on the end. I don't enjoy the idea but want to be fair.

The one who wants to be involved is CONVINCED that it is his and wanted to be at the birth.

I'm autistic, and I don't want the world watching while i push out a human. I want one person with me and that's it. I've tried to appease him that on the day he can come to the hospital to do the paternity test but to be honest I don't want him there on the day and I i'd like that once baby is born to have a week on my own before having to sort out the baby daddy business because god knows it takes time to recover after something like that and me and him simply argue a lot.
He won't agree with giving me a week to recover before diving into it.

He still has feelings for me even though we dated only one month and so it's just tense.
He says he will support me and then he throws a tantrum because he can't cope with the fact i don't have feelings for him back and I had him do this to me twice at the beginning of my pregnancy before saying sod off i'll just keep him updated on the baby.

Although now we are back in contact minimally and all this came up and it left me feeling really nervous of the situation.

I don't want to stop him from seeing the baby and want to promote a healthy relationship but don't want to be dragged through the mud.

I'm stuck with whether his name should be double barrelled on the end. I don't enjoy the idea but want to be fair.

No, you’re not stuck. Give the baby your surname only. If he wants to double barrel then he can take it to court.

and wanted to be at the birth.

It’s not his decision. It’s yours and yours only. Do not be pressured on this. The fact you don’t know who the father is reinforces your position on this because you certainly won’t want someone there who might not even be the father. Do not let him be there.

He won't agree with giving me a week to recover before diving into it.

Again- not his decision. If he wants to force a DNA test he can go to court. Otherwise he waits until you’re ready. A week after birth is totally reasonable.

Personally in your shoes I would tell him you want no further contact with him until the baby is born and you’re ready to do a paternity test. He doesn’t need to be involved until then. You don’t need to discuss anything with him until then.

Don’t have him at the hospital unless you want him there. Do you have a friend or family member to be your birth partner and stay with you for days / weeks to help with baby?

Don’t let Mr Keen know you have given birth until you are home afterwards. There’s no “ being fair “ about it . He has no legal rights , you don’t even know if he’s the father and you are the patient in hospital, not him.

Don’t let him do a paternity test in hospital. It can wait until you are home.

Don’t let him register the birth with you and give baby his name.

It’s not about being “fair” - you will be the one raising baby not him. Anyway it’s tradition that unmarried women always give baby their own name.

And what exactly will you do if you give Baby Mr Keens surname and then he turns out not to be the father ?

In the unlikely event that he steps up and become father of the year, you can Change baby’s surname ( if you want ) before they go to school.

You don't have to give the name straight away though do you, my mum says your given time as well as with registering the birth and with the dad.

For the love of god, everything is on your side.

Don’t have him at the birth, don’t put him on the birth certificate, don’t give the baby his name and breastfeed so the baby can’t be away from you for any length of time.

Tell him what will happen - don’t negotiate, don’t consult, just tell him what is ok with you. And you don’t know because you’ve never had a baby before, so he’ll hear from you when you’re ready for visitors.

You have 6 weeks to register the baby after the birth. Don’t be pressured into doing it straight away and definitely don’t be pressured to doing it with him or on his time schedule. It’s you that makes these decisions.

In your shoes I would go no contact with him now. Have the baby. Then after a week. Tell him the baby is born and a DNA test needs to be done. Once you have the results- go from there.

Tbh- for your benefit I hope the other man is the father. This guy will make your life hell if he is that father.

Until you have done dna testing you can't really put anyone on the bc can you?
Your baby your name. Let the 2 men seek legal advice. Concentrate on your pregnancy and enjoying the early days. Newborn babies only need their dm.
Stop stressing imo.

Keep them away from the delivery room.

Confide in your mw. She def won't judge you.

It’s only 21 days to register in Scotland ( assuming things are back to normal by then ).

But you can change baby’s name ANYTIME with the consent of the other parent. That’s why I’m suggesting you leave it for a few years and see if he actually manages to parent his child. It’s not like your 4 year old will know or care what their surname is.

Stop trying to appease him, that is not your job.
Your job is to put your own and your baby's needs first. You don't have to be fair to anyone except yourself.

This man whom you barely know, sounds very controlling, putting his own desires way ahead of your own stated likes and opinions. Him throwing tantrums when you don't agree to what he wants is a bad sign, the tantrums are a form of emotional blackmail so that you will do what he wants.

Tell your midwife about him, and that you do not want him involved at the birth or immediately afterwards. Your notes can be marked that he is to be refused access.

Don't inform him when you go into labour, and don't be pressured into having a paternity test done. He can go through the Courts for that at a later date.

For a newborn a court wouldn’t expect the breastfed baby to be away from mum for contact

Yes they would. However, contact for a baby would typically be something like a couple of hours once a week. Overnight contact won't come until the child is older.

Re the birth certificate, if he is the father he will have no problem getting his name on the birth certificate and getting PR through the courts. However, as there is some uncertainty as to whether or not he is the father I would get a DNA test first.

Even if you do put him on the birth certificate, you can choose whether to give the baby your surname, his surname or both. It is not his decision.

It is your decision whether or not he is present at the birth. I understand him wanting to be at the birth of what he thinks is his child but, if you don't want him there, don't agree.

Similarly, you don't have to rush into getting a DNA test. You could make him go through the courts to get one or you can get it sorted in your own time. You don't have to let him dictate.