Divorcing husband who is trying to cripple me financially... what are my rights?

[PistachioQueen]

m currently in the early stages of divorcing my husband who is self employed, making a very good wage but claims he’s earning £40k for tax avoidance purposes. He’s now doing everything he can to financially cripple me, including more than halving the allowance he gave me, refusing to pay our daughter’s private school fees, stopping helping me out with debts I incurred from living in housing association accommodation (while he lived a lavish lifestyle, but that’s another story) and now he’s threatening to take my car which he claims is leased, despite being 4 years old already when he bought it (it was a part exchange car from a dealer, again I don’t know how much of this is true). First he said he wouldn’t pay for the insurance, so I looked at getting this on my own but as the car’s in his name, it was going to be quite costly and I’ve never had a policy in my own name. Then he said he’d move the car into my name and pay the lease payments in cash to me, I don’t believe he would do this as he’s already messed me up on several other financial issues and left me with a pile of debts which I’m struggling to pay. He’s threatened that if I don’t do this, he will take the car back tomorrow when the insurance ends. What are my options? I don’t want to be forced into more debt but I can’t afford a car of my own either. I know people will say I should suck it up and take public transport but I just wanted to know, legally standing, is this my only option, to just return the car and go by bus until I’ve resolved my financial situation? My solicitor doesn’t help much other than telling me to go to mediation.

But you have been complicit in his tax evasion as you've not reported it and you've benefitted from it. You've also committed insurance fraud yourself.

If you haven't lived together for several years and you work full.timr I'm not sure why you're expecting him to pay for a car for you. Your dd is a different matter, he should be contributing towards her. What has the arrangement been over the years you've been separated?

You have definitely been complicit in tax avoidance - for all the years he declared only £40k. You enjoyed that lifestyle. For how long? How long were you with him? A decade? Longer?
Now it's turned sour. Don't expect any sympathy because people generally don't have it, in this situation.

It's hard, almost impossible to prove re HMRC in mediation/marriage splits. If he has any savvy sense that is. I've seen it many times before and I deal with HMRC for my job.

You need to get real, that this is unlikely to end well for you.

Remove the things he’s trying to use to control you.

Give up the car and buy/lease your own. Get your own insurance.

School - move her to state. Yes it’s a big deal but children adapt. He won’t pay the fees anyway and you can’t afford it.

Agreed- moving to state will take a lot of the pressure off

Please don’t use your child as a bargaining chip. Access should be arranged for her benefit not for yours or your ex’s.
Do you work? How are you supporting yourself?

Sorry x-post. I see you are working. It sounds like he’s just behaving as he always has. You need a much better solicitor.

Pistachio,

People seem v negative here.

If your ex is earning a lot more than 40k, what are the joint assets from marriage? You are entitled to half of these.

The first thing normally agreed by a divorcing couple are ‘interim arrangements’ (I think I remember that correctly). This is an agreement where both parties agree how to deal with the money during the divorce process and before the consent order. I am afraid I do not know how this is enforced if the parties fail to agree, but I assume there must be some mechanism. Anyone?

I think reporting your ex to the HMRC would be an own goal but threatening to report him for what is actually a criminal offence surely gives you leverage?

If he really has extensive income and assets, you can get a forensic accountant all over his form E. This is VERY expensive, though.

As for private school, this is a tough one. If you believe that, jointly, it is comfortably affordable, talk to the school about a deferral. Be proactive, though, and don’t wait to be chased. Most schools would rather have late fees than no fees. If not, move your daughter as soon as possible to minimise the disruption to her education.

Finally, your solicitor sounds a bit of a wet blanket. Talk to a couple more and see if any are prepared to be a bit feistier.

Don't assume you have to stay with the first solicitor. It took me 4 goes to find one competent to fight my corner. She had my back for 9 years.

Go after the houses.
Also tell him your going to ask the courts to look into his bank accounts and how much he spends.
Also tell him you have decided to contact HMCR,. Tell him since he says he won't pay you have nothing to lose....
Write the letter and show it too him.

Just be aware that him spending more time with your DD will also decrease the money he has to give you, just in case that might be behind his request for more contact. He's probably very clued up on it.

Op as a single parent, there may be scholarships/grants available at your child's school that would help or pay all of the costs. It's worth investigating

@AnchorDownDeepBreath I’ve now managed to insure the car on a monthly basis, using some money my dad has loaned me. I feel bad always asking my parents for handouts, particularly as they’re not on great incomes themselves and my dad is now retired. I’m lucky to have them to fall back on but it’s unfair of my ex to be living the life he is while his daughter and I share a room at my parent’s. When I’ve mentioned this he’s just insisted that our daughter has a 5 bedroom house with him and the opportunity for her own bedroom. He never showed much interest in her before but is suddenly demanding more time with her and overnight stays. All she’s ever known is me and my family as he’s always been a part time visitor on the weekends when it suited him! I am scared that I’ve insured a car that he can take away at a moment’s notice, but I suppose I can always freeze the policy for if or when that happens and I’m in a a position to get myself another car.

@EmmaGrundyForPM As previously mentioned, he has never officially told me of his tax evasion but I have long had my suspicions and seen texts to others which describe what he’s been up to. I work full time but my new boss is constantly pressurising me to work more hours, albeit with no rise in pay. My union are rubbish and all my salary goes on paying debts from the housing association property we lived in for years, along with other debts I have racked up due to the ex husband no longer helping me out. He used to give me a minor allowance which with my salary, I was struggling on but he paid for clothes, school uniform and school fees so I just had to pay for other expenses for myself and our daughter. Now he’s giving me the minimum he thinks he can get away with (what CMS would recommend for someone on £40k) and says he can’t help out with school uniform or clothes for our daughter. He’s stopped paying the school fees (I’ll take out another loan to pay for this term and given notice that she will leave at the end of the term as per our contract) and as she’s going up a year, I’ll have to stump up the cash for a whole new uniform to get her through the next 3 months.

As hard as it is you need to be self reliant for your own costs and realise the only money you can claim from him is child support. He's obviously being sneaky with his income but I also suspect his lifestyle is funded on credit, car leased etc - it's an illusion of wealth, he may not have the funds you think. You need to pull your dc from private school unless he pays the bill, no court will insist he pays for private education. You are with your parents so surely your full time wage is plenty to pay your car insurance, he is not responsible for your debts either.

I strongly recommend trying to get budgeting help through the cab or a debt counselling charity, I'm sure they can help you set a realistic budget to allow you to get your own place and claim whatever benefits you are entitled to - you are far from alone, this board is full of similar situations

Sounds to me like he’s got another family.

I agree about moving solicitors and keep moving until you find a decent one, there seem to be a lot of rubbish ones out there! (Eg have to run up your costs, and do the admin, but not actually do much legal work and pushing to get a fair deal from a deceiving ex).

I’m lucky to have them to fall back on but it’s unfair of my ex to be living the life he is while his daughter and I share a room at my parent’s

Yes it’s unfair but unless you change your mindset of “it’s not fair” and start thinking about what you can take responsibility for, there’s no point wasting energy.

He has this power over you because you feel entitled to all of these things.

You left him for a reason.

You either go after him and report him to HMRC if you genuinely believe he’s committing tax fraud or you completely walk away and accept you can’t get anything out of him. Resorting to blackmail is pretty low IMO and makes you no better than him.

He’s clearly a dick who’s messing with you and his dd (with promises of big houses etc) - but if that is all he can promise then he can get lost. It’s just material possessions.

You’ve got a job and a roof over your head. That’s a start.

@larrygrylls Thank you and yes, I have been receiving a lot of negative comments on here, particularly from those suggesting that I’ve been enjoying a great lifestyle for years which has never been the case. My daughter and I lived in council and then housing association accommodation since birth as my husband became emotionally abusive during my pregnancy. Other than putting our daughter in private school and helping me out with debts from the previous accommodation (rent became extortionate once I returned to work and I struggled to keep up the payments. He offered to help towards half of the monthly payments, as well as council tax/utility bill repayment and credit card debt I’d racked up trying to keep up with rent and bills), he’d give me a bit of money each week in cash which I’d put in the bank. I kept asking for bank transfers which he refused. Now he’s claiming to be on £40k he’s started a standing order paying what he reckons the CMS would ask a man on such an income to pay.

He won’t pay towards school fees now as he says he “can’t afford it” and ignores all texts asking for confirmation of this, but that’s fine, I’ll rack up more debt paying this term’s fees then take her out as I’ve given notice. The company running the school are renowned for taking parents to court over fees so I’d rather take out another loan than be faced with court fees and more stress.

How much do you think a forensic accountant would cost? He has multiple properties and his company is property rentals so despite his claims to be on £40k it would be hard for him to hide them. He probably has many more properties than I am aware of as well. He spent years telling me he was going to buy us a house near my parents but never did. As soon as I moved back in with them, he bought himself a £925,000 house round the corner from us! He says he had to remortgage some properties to do this but again, would someone on £40k be in a position to do this?!

@Verily1 I’ve always thought this too but he’s just laughed and called me crazy whenever I’ve suggested it!

I would be looking for another Solicitor sharpish! .Why were you living in HA housing?.He sounds a dreadful control freak who values money above all else!.Do you work at all ,can you get benefits .The problem here is he seems to have all the control!.MAybe CAB would be able to help you with your finances .As far as the car goes ,not much you can do except suck it up FTB. Maybe new Sol can get a court date ASAP!.Then you can sell your house and get a half share of his assets !

@Iggly Thanks for the positive insight. I’ve been trying meditation etc to change my mindset and whilst I am prepared for the eventuality that I may no get anything, I would of course like some advice and input on what my legal rights are. If it weren’t for our daughter, I’d divorce him and walk but my solicitor has told me that we need somewhere to live at the very least and that this will be something to discuss at a later date. He’s managed to delay every single part of the divorce process so far so we haven’t even gotten to sending the petition off yet.

Yes, I’m grateful to have a roof over my head and a job which is more than he’s wanted me to have. I’m paying off as much of my debts as I can right now which doesn’t leave me with much at the moment but I’m trying to get to a point where I’m debt free and can rent or even use a scheme to buy a property one day, which I won’t be able to do if I have a mountain of debts. It does feel like he’s doing everything he can to screw me over right now, I’ve been so accommodating with him wanting extra time with our daughter but of course, he hasn’t reciprocated by so much as helping out with the cost of new shoes.

@dottiedodah First we lived in one of his properties, then we moved to a rented flat in a much nicer part of town after getting married. Once I was heavily pregnant, the abuse started - gaslighting, lies, manipulation and then he’d do stuff like film me getting upset and show everyone, calling me crazy. At one point he asked me to leave the property for a week so his family could come and stay over for a free holiday! Husband walked out on me when I was pregnant and refused to answer my calls or texts, even when I was hospitalised with complications for the baby. My brother was with my parents at the time so there was no space but I kipped in his room with him until I got a council place. Husband returned a week before the birth, full of promises of a new life so I took him back but refused to move back in with him. He was there at the birth, then made racist and offensive comments towards me every day Until I screamed and wacked him! He was filming the whole thing and ran out telling the midwives I was mentally unstable! We didn’t speak for a long time until he came back with more promises of change! My parents are very religious so pressurised me to make my marriage work, we were living in council accommodation going from one hostel to another while he rented out villas for holidays with his friends and even rented out a penthouse for parties which he eventually sub-letted. He would visit us on Saturdays, occasionally staying over but he made my skin crawl so I didn’t want to be intimate with him. Eventually he started threatening me that he needed sex and would find someone else if I didn’t comply! We went on the occasional family holiday but it was more platonic than anything. So we don’t own a house together which is why I’m not sure if we’d get anything! I do work which is a blessing in disguise as he kept telling me to quit my job when we were together. I don’t earn much though and am determined to pay off my debts as soon as possible while I’m living at my parents, as my daughter and I share a room and I’d eventually like us to have our own place.

I know someone who did this with money and in the end they brought in a forensic accountant to go through all of his money etc. He is currently looking at jail time because of all the fraud!

I do think you need to try and stand on your own 2 feet though as he is clearly enjoying the power he has over you. I wouldn't trust him with the car issue... if he cancels your insurance without telling you and you get stopped by the police they will not take him paying as an excuse.
Surely with a full time wage, his rubbish contribution, tax credits, child benefit and no living costs you can manage? I would contact the school and just tell them that you absolutely can not afford to send daughter back this term because of circumstances. Surely they will be understanding and either help with some costs/payment or let her leave immediately. I wouldn't be taking out a loan and buying new uniform for 3 months.

I just don't understand men who deprive their children to get one over on their ex! It's crazy!

My god, I’m surprised your solicitor hasn’t suggested you cite coercive control or at least unreasonable behaviour. That’s appalling. I would have had a restraining order in place after the behaviour in the hospital. Can I withdraw my comment about access to your DD? He’s not trustworthy.

Pistachio,

I am struggling to understand this a little.

How long were you married for? For how much of it was it a working, living together, marriage?

If it was a long marriage (over 10 years) the starting point is 50/50 on assets, and you can get more if your ex is a high earner. The general principle is putting both parties in a similar position in terms of spending as when they were married. Exceptions are pre marital assets, but these only really make a difference in large settlements (I. E when the lifestyle can be maintained and there are ‘left over’ assets).

Self employed people can lie more easily but any court can see that private school fees, expensive German pieces of metal and houses worth nearly 1mil are not bought on an income of £40k and/or decent assets.

Where are you with the divorce? You do need to jump through the hoops, but so does he. Lying on a form E (statement of income and assets) is a criminal offence.

I am not a solicitor but there are loads on these boards, not a forensic accountant (these are rarer but I bet MN still has a couple).

I would say, however, that ‘moving on’ (practically, as opposed to emotionally) comes after finalising the financial settlement. Your best hope for a decent lifestyle for you and your daughter is investing time and energy in the divorce.

Questions I would be asking my lawyer in your shoes are:

1/ Can we agree interim financial support during divorce process. If not, why not.

2/ Can we request a form E as soon as possible and get a court order if necessary.

3/ How would your lawyer recommend getting a true picture of your ex’s finances?

You could probably help with the latter a lot if you know what he owns. He can claim debts against them but he would have to evidence them.

You can get help financing legal bills if the prospective settlement is reasonably large. There are shark type loan companies (not really recommended) but also family, friends etc. I don’t know if any lawyers would accept pay out of settlement or to take a percentage. Another question to ask.

I would speak to a couple of high powered lawyers (some do offer a free telephone chat, though not small) and see what they advise.