Divorcing husband who is trying to cripple me financially... what are my rights?

[PistachioQueen]

m currently in the early stages of divorcing my husband who is self employed, making a very good wage but claims he’s earning £40k for tax avoidance purposes. He’s now doing everything he can to financially cripple me, including more than halving the allowance he gave me, refusing to pay our daughter’s private school fees, stopping helping me out with debts I incurred from living in housing association accommodation (while he lived a lavish lifestyle, but that’s another story) and now he’s threatening to take my car which he claims is leased, despite being 4 years old already when he bought it (it was a part exchange car from a dealer, again I don’t know how much of this is true). First he said he wouldn’t pay for the insurance, so I looked at getting this on my own but as the car’s in his name, it was going to be quite costly and I’ve never had a policy in my own name. Then he said he’d move the car into my name and pay the lease payments in cash to me, I don’t believe he would do this as he’s already messed me up on several other financial issues and left me with a pile of debts which I’m struggling to pay. He’s threatened that if I don’t do this, he will take the car back tomorrow when the insurance ends. What are my options? I don’t want to be forced into more debt but I can’t afford a car of my own either. I know people will say I should suck it up and take public transport but I just wanted to know, legally standing, is this my only option, to just return the car and go by bus until I’ve resolved my financial situation? My solicitor doesn’t help much other than telling me to go to mediation.

sorry no real advice but didn't want to read and run. Is mediation not an option for you?

He’s already being so nasty and difficult, plus claiming he’s only on £40k means he’ll just pretend to not be able to afford any of the stuff he’s previously been paying for. He’s told me enough times that he plans on dragging things out to the court stage as he brags that he can afford the expense, knowing full well that it’s out of my remit.

Does he tell HMRC that he's on £40K?

Can you play along for a bit and get him shooting off his mouth on taped conversations and texts.
If you play clever evidence e.g. tax avoidance, threats to drag it out to make you suffer etc could be his downfall.
Play your cards close to your chest and bide your time patiently.

Sorry, I've no advice - apart from these arrogant angry men other fuck up in some way because they think the rules don't apply. If you can reveal the fuck up then that might help you in court/able to blackmail him with it?

You aren't obliged to go through mediation, particularly where there is domestic violence (he sounds very controlling?). You do need to attend a MIAM, and obtain a certificate confirming attendance and the reason that mediation will not be appropriate. You may attend the MIAM alone.

The mediator may push the benefits of mediation, however you can simply listen, smile and nod and hold your position that mediation is not appropriate here for xyz reason and you will obtain your certificate.

Has your solicitor explained that to you? If not, they're appalling and you need a new one.

@HollowTalk Yes, he’s telling HMRC he’s only on £40k but filtering money through other people’s bank accounts.

@PicsInRed No, my solicitor didn’t mention this at all. She seems to think she’s just doing the paperwork side of things and if I have any other issues we can just resolve them through mediation.

The latest thing he’s done now is to insure the car in my name but not actually pay it. I don’t know what he’s playing at but clearly trying to create more problems for me now.

Can't you report him to HMRC?
If he has always avoided paying income tax and you were complicit in that and have benefitted from that arrangement then I think it's tough titty and you've made your bed.

I'd blackmail him about the £40k because HMRC would take him to the cleaners if they knew. BTW you don't want him taken to the cleaners because you need him to give you some money so just use it as a threat to get what you want.

If you can, have these conversations with him via email, rather than on the phone. That way, you have evidence.

Obviously don't tell him of this intention. He sounds thoroughly unpleasant

Until you have a financial settlement he can pretty much do what he likes. If the car is a lease in his name you're on pretty thin ice at the moment. Short term it looks like either you accept his offer to put the car in your name and pay you cash for the lease payments, or you let him take the car back. Either way you're going to have to get your own insurance.

You need a better solicitor but you also need to have realistic expectations - hostile self employed ex husbands have a lot of scope for hiding income.

This is abuse. It’s called economic abuse. E.g. messing around about the car ownership, the debts, leaving you with no money but expecting you to pay the school fees. I’m not sure what the answer is but it’s important to recognise what is going on and get a solicitor who understands.

Women’s Aid have some info on their website.

And . It’s a horrible, stressful situation to be in.

I think you need to adjust your expectations a bit. I would be looking to move your dd to a state school in September. He will use school fees as a stick to beat you with indefinitely otherwise. It will be a lot easier if you don't have that money to find.

Let him take the car. This will be another stick.

Then base any cms calculations on what he declares to HMRC.

Change your solicitor, you need someone who can advise you, not just complete paperwork.

Come to some arrangements with regards to your debts, make payments based on what you can afford now, not on what his income is.

Tell your solicitor everything that's been going on - all the mind games, the financial abuse, everything. There is now (finally!) a law against financial abuse in relationships and coercive control and gas lighting are also included.

Report his tax fiddling to HMRC. If he's going to play dirty, get your gloves off and play dirty back. Don't take this shit lying down!

If the car is a lease in his name you're on pretty thin ice at the moment. Short term it looks like either you accept his offer to put the car in your name and pay you cash for the lease payments, or you let him take the car back. Either way you're going to have to get your own insurance.

This ^. You'll need your own insurance anyway, you shouldn't be driving it as a named driver if you drive it more, it's fronting (and insurance fraud).

Can you afford to insure it, and pay the lease payments in the short term? Do you know how much they are? You wouldn't expect huge lease costs on a four-year-old car if it's just an average car, but insurance costs will depend on your demographics and whether you've got any no claims.

And yes, if your solicitor is useless, find another one. It's quite common to have to shop around a bit until you find one that's any good and which will properly fight your corner. Your solicitor should be all over this abusive situation, not quietly sitting doing paperwork.

Don’t rely on cash payments for the car - you’ll have the liability and the cash could stop. You need a settlement that doesn’t leave you at his mercy.

What income are you living off at the moment @PistachioQueen? Are you still living in the family home? Where is your DD living and who is currently paying for her everyday expenses?

Have you been in touch with the Child Maintenance Service? Have a look here, there is lots of helpful information - www.cmoptions.org/en/toolbox/leaflets.asp

Hi OP, i'm not much help on the car situation but i know someone who was struggling to pay private school fees after a redundancy; they talked to the school and got a means tested reduction in fees, if your ex pays maintenance you can take them the letter stating how much, your pay slips and a budget of your expenses and ask if you can apply for a means tested bursary which may help you afford the fees yourself or from the maintenance amount. If he is not paying maintenance get on to CMS now, divorce and other finances don't need to be settled first as CMS is separate

If no luck there are several charities that may help towards the fees; for example if your ex or a grandad on either side is or ever has been a freemason you can apply for help to pay school fees for a child already attending a private school in the event of a financial change such as divorcing, they offer this to reduce disruption to the child and i'm sure other charities may help if you aren't eligible for the masons one.

If your DC is getting good grades may also be worth asking if they can apply to for an academic bursary with the school, usually the academic and means tested bursaries are a % of the total fees but added together they may reduce the amount by enough for you to afford until the divorce is sorted and you know where you stand.

The school will be eager to retain students if possible even at lower fees as lots of children leaving looks bad in the stats (even if its not the school's fault) so one less child transferring is in their interest, good luck op x

When you transition from running one household to running two households, inevitably there is a drop in the standard of living. The same income is now paying for two mortgages/rents, two sets of bills, etc. So it may be that you genuinely can't afford private education following the separation.

You talk about your ex giving you an allowance; you need to talk to your solicitor about whether global/spousal maintenance is realistic in your situation, or whether you're likely to end up with CMS.

Thanks for everyone’s advice and input on this, it’s such a stressful matter and appears to be getting worse as he’s refusing to pay the last term’s fees but not saying anything via text as he doesn’t want “proof” of his behaviour.

@YouWhoNeverArrived We haven’t actually lived together for many years so he can’t even claim that having two separate households is unaffordable. Solicitor has suggested I’d get whatever the CMS deems appropriate and as he’s claiming he’s on £40k, that’s not really a lot!

@swissmilk I wouldn’t say I’d been compliant in his tax avoidance as other than sending our daughter to private school, he’s given me a small allowance and claims to have leased a second hand car for me. I know about the tax avoidance from texts he’s sent to others trying to convince them to open bank accounts for him. He’s been hassling me to do this for years but always phrased it as me opening an account for him to pay me via his business, Which I’ve always refused to do as he wanted complete control over a bank account in my name. He lived the highlife while I was living frugally and actually moved into housing association accommodation for a few years after our daughter was born as he claimed he couldn’t afford to house us, despite owning several properties which he lets out.

@PurpleWithRed I was tempted to accept his offer to put the car in my name and give me the cash, however this is exactly what he has done with the school fees and other debt payments which I had put in my name. He is now refusing to help with those payments, hence attempting to financially cripple me. I’d rather be without the car than have another debt transferred into my name which he later refuses to pay, as I’m just about managing to pay everything but it means that I have little to no money left for me and our child. I am so lucky to be living at my parents as I wouldn’t be able to afford rent and bills on top of all these debts.

@BagpussAteMyHomework I’ve never thought of this as economic abuse but you’re absolutely right, that’s exactly what it is! Meanwhile, he’s demanding more and more time with our daughter which I’ve been extremely accommodating with, but why should I be when he clearly has no intention of being so accommodating with me?!

@zafferana I’ve told the solicitor everything and she usually just emails saying “I’m sorry to hear about this” and “just remember that you are the main carer” which doesn’t really help with what I’m going through! It really does feel like he can do whatever he likes right now and I just have to allow him as much time as he likes with our daughter? How is this possible?

@MargoLovebutter I’m still living at my parents and have a full time job which I’m glad I never gave up despite his constant harassment over the years for me to do so. He would offer me more money to quit but the “pocket money” he was giving me whilst on maternity leave (unpaid) was barely enough to cover a few baby groups and coffee with friends each week! He would take me shopping for clothes but at Primark and H&M while he paraded around at school events in bespoke designer suits and £300 shoes. He also drives a brand new German sports car but even when things were meant to be good between us, claimed he “couldn’t afford” more than a used Japanese car for me. I’m happy just to have a car but these are just examples of how he wanted to control everything.