Breach of Court Order / ex partner took DD away

[beingniceiscool11]

My DD's father has taken DD (5) on holiday (in this country) in absence of agreement between ourselves - despite me telling him for many reasons (safeguarding and the fact our DD has additional needs) that I could not agree to a 7 nights holiday at this time. Is he is breaching the court order if he keeps her there any longer than I have agreed? I have made it clear I do not agree any longer than 4 nights, 5 days. He's refusing to confirm that I can pick her up though.

He has breached the court order quite a few times; obstructing DD having indirect contact with me when he has taken her away before. Not notifying me of where they are or that he had taken her away.

He has already once taken her away this year without agreement from me and he again did not given indication of exactly when he would bring her back... only finally agreeing at the end of 2 or 3 days so that he has control and power the whole time.

He ignores the parts of court order that he doesn't like, and then he'll quote it to me word for word to enforce what he wants eg. wants me to be flexible about timing when he needs to, but then will quote the exact time on court order if I need flexibility. I have not stopped being flexible and compromising myself though.

Court order states half holidays with each parent & parents must agree how. I recently since sent a suggestion for summer holidays that is in line with court order, means DD gets quality time with both of us over the summer holidays, and that we share her care throughout holidays as per court order, and that she doesn't spend too long away from each parent. He says no. We cannot agree so he has filed court proceedings again.
My view is that he is deliberately trying to make it "difficult for us to agree" to encourage the court, I believe, to make an order of what he wants. Citing the reason that it's too difficult for us to agree. But that is masking the safeguarding issues which are the reasons why I won't agree to long stays with her in his sole care. Making it look like we are just bickering. When the issues are much more serious and based on DD's welfare in actuality.

The matter isn't back in court until after summer holidays anyway now, but as it stands, our DD doesn't know when she will see me again currently. She has been very distressed by this in the past and it does seem like he does everything he can to erase me from her memory whilst she's with him and he engages in alienating tactics as well, such as saying bad things about me to her and making fun of me to her - (again breaching court order but no proof only DD's word to me when she's been upset about this).

Can I call the police local to where he is to ask them to support me to pick her up after 4 nights 5 days (which is the longest I'm comfortable to agree she can be there with him)?
What do we do if we can't agree over the rest of the summer? I am seriously worried he will use the long periods of time with her away from me to further brainwash her, deny her indirect contact, continue breaching court order, being emotionally abusive and physically abusive as he has been before if he loses his temper or if he's angry with me for not agreeing and he is in a bad mood that DD will get the brunt of it.

We have tried mediation in the past and he just uses it as a way to pressure me further to agree to what he wants and he doesn't compromise.

What can I do legally? Thanks so much in advance

Your daughter is tiny and clearly struggling. You have no idea what she has told your ex.

And SS absolutely do not only deal with life and death situations. You only have to read the millions of threads on here to see that. If there was abuse, it would be on their radar.

Also, to Amibeingdaft, my exH was abusive to me, and worked very hard to alienate dd from me. She told school/social workers when she was 5 or 6 that he said I was a witch and planned to throw her on a fire. And a court found this credible, largely because it didn't come through me. I didn't even know about it till I read in the social worker's report. And still I feel sorry for him, because I think he craves a loving relationship with her, but he doesn't know how to have one. He's battling to "win" her love from me, when she has always wanted to love him anyway.

OP, I believe you. Things came to a head when my dd was slightly older than you, entirely because she started to say things to other people. She's now 11 and sees her father regularly but less than she did originally. I think her childhood has been more painful than it needed to be, but she's still a happy, loving child. I don't think she's been damaged - lord, I hope and pray not. She can certainly spot when someone has an agenda.

@Amibeingdaft81 Ok.... so someone who has been a victim of abuse is not allowed to have complicated ambivalent feelings about the person who treated them that way, the father of their child?
If I have ill-feelings towards him then I am told by society I am being bitter and won’t let the past go and have to move on / give him benefit of doubt (Cafcass view) (yes I do hate the way he has behaved but I don’t think he is an inherently evil to the core person)

If I show that I am trying to not have black and white thinking that he is evil and must be punished and that I hate him.. if I show mixed feelings or that I feel bad for him that he has to behave this way to feel stronger than other or god about themselves then I am lying about the entire past...? (I admit maybe emotional manipulation from him means I am prone to buy into his victim mode and feel sorry for him or responsible for his feelings.. this is the outcome of emotional manipulation..)

Sorry my reaponses don’t fit into the boxes you expected. It doesn’t matter if people on the internet believe me but if I was going to make anything up to “punish” my ex as some people have suggested don’t you think it would be something more serious that would meet SS threshold ???? Wouldn’t I have done it as soon as the court order was finalised to further stop contact... why would have been sticking to court order to the letter and trying to co-parent with him as Cafcass advised.

I am relaying the facts of what happened in my life and what DD said. I asked for advice, not for you to question the validity of my experience / actual events that happened in my life.

Cafcass do not disagree because they haven’t had the recent concerns or new circumstances in front of them.

@Namechangeforthiscancershit I was told by social workers that unless there is immediate risk of serious physical harm then they will not get involved and it isn’t job as “protective parent” to take it back to court... so meanwhile DD hasn’t no protection and kept getting picked up from school by her Dad who has just frightened, hurt her, restrained her, bullied her, screamed at her, and then switches back to Nicest Dad in World at school gates.. teachers say “DD out you go Daddy’s here” and she just walks out to him. Because the teachers tell her to. She told the teachers and me, and they did nothing purely because she prefaced her disclosure with “Mummy told me to tell you..” and I told them yes yes I did tell her to tell you.. she told me & asked me to tell Daddy to stop, told me she did not want to go to Daddy because she was frightened of him getting her dressed... and I said ok darling but also you need to tell Mrs ... if this happens and you’re worried about it at school (knowing nothing would happen to investigate if it just came from me) i did say to her yes you should tell your teacher about how you feel”

She did. They said ooh one tiny detail .. we can’t tell for 100% sure it’s not coming from Mum.. sorry.. can’t make a referral. So ex is then all confident that he gets away with it and it will carry on. Maybe not every day but he snaps and this keeps happening.

@Namechangeforthiscancershit * correction it’s MY job as “protective parent” to take it to court.. but problem is if there is no current SS involvement or a certain level like bruises or child refusing to go to a parent at school gates , they will not do an urgent hearing anyway ! So either way my DD learns that she tells grownups and nothing happens. If I stop contact, I’ve broken the court order and I will be hung drawn and quartered for it and made out to be alienating parent in court and possibly face DD being placed to live with her Dad who will continue this bullying, manipulative and abusive parenting throughout - and the more sole care he has of her - the more often this is likely to happen.

This seems to be the way the family courts work.. and feels like stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I have to work on sounding like I’m concerned and it’s serious.. but not too emotional or passionate about protecting my daughter or i might get her taken away from my care.

If someone can tell me what to say to achieve this what feels like impossible feat.... that would probably be the best advice I could use for this whole thing 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

What exactly has she disclosed? I know full well that what a child says to one person is different to another. Children like to please. They do pick up on vibes.

Thing is though one face time over the space of 4 nights is neither here or there. And it seems such a hig bone of contention.

I too am not clear what he's done to her that is clearly abuse to you. What exactly has she told you?