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Original poster

Advice exh & ds preschool issue

66 replies

Justme1981 · 02/05/2019 11:25

Hi copied from lone parents for traffic.
Keeping this vague as v outing,
I have ds 4/7 nights ex 3/7, its an agreement between us not formal. Ex was asked in school car park who he was when dropping ds off at preschool. (Preschool is attached to be not part of school) He has now made a formal complaint to school, is refusing to take ds to preschool, wants him to go to a different school, refuses to talk to me about it as too upset. I think they were following their safeguarding policy & he should not have been in the school car park. Does anyone know if there is anything i can do? It seems v unfair for ds who enjoys preschool.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justme1981 · 07/05/2019 18:34

Yes they are aware, he complained at the time to the school who verbally apologised about how he felt & explained re policy, he has since then made a written complaint saying he feels discriminated against & its defamation of character, he has also put a review on google telling single dads to avoid it, saying that horrible things were insinuated. I went into school this morning & have asked if they can speed up reply to written complaint as hes just getting angrier.

OP posts:
bluejelly · 07/05/2019 18:36

He sounds nuts! Was he like this when you were together?

Original poster
Justme1981 · 07/05/2019 18:40

Yes, its part of why we are separated.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 07/05/2019 19:03

Dont get involved in this on his behalf
It s not your issue to sort out really...
Keep d's with you overnight and take him in ypurself?

cestlavielife · 07/05/2019 19:04

If he is so angry I woukd keep d's away from him
It s irrational
What else might he do ?!

Original poster
Justme1981 · 07/05/2019 19:15

He has him the night before so i cant just keep ds & take him in myself. The only way i can take him is to do what ive done today (meet in walking distance of preschool & i take ds in).
Yes hes irrational, i dont think i can stop him having ds.

OP posts:
OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 07/05/2019 19:20

On the other thread I suggested that you stay out of it, and the update just cements this for me. By collecting DS and walking him in you're colluding in your ex's daft behaviour. I'm sure you're trying to smooth things over and do what's best for your child, but now that you're separated you don't need to behave like this any more. You're probably used to trying to appease his unreasonable behavior, but it must be clear now that you can't argue with stupid. He needs to feel the consequences of his decision. Let him look after DS all day on his days off he's not willing to take him to preschool. I'm pretty sure that if you pander to him, you'll be running around like this for the rest of your life and there's no point in having separated. You need to make a stand.

Original poster
Justme1981 · 07/05/2019 21:01

Sorry i missed your reply on other thread, i understand what you are saying re pandering to him - habit of many yearsim afraid. The problem i have is if ds misses preschool it will set him back pretty sure ex just puts tv on, i pay for preschool get no maintenance & give him half child benefit i will lose the time ive paid for with no good reason, ds will lose that place at preschool if ex changes mind they have a waiting list.

OP posts:
titchy · 07/05/2019 21:09

Then formalise contact via court/mediation. Tell him as he is no longer able to comply with the existing arrangement you will pick your child up just before his bedtime the evening before. Or leave the arrangement as it is and if he doesn't drop him off he has to look after him. Missing one day of preschool to veg in front of the telly won't do him any harm.

And ffs don't give him half the CB and make sure you claim maintenance.

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 07/05/2019 21:12

I understand why you're doing it, I just think that this is a chance for you to give ex the message that you're not going to run around for him any more. If you're recently separated then it's maybe harder to have the perspective on how to co-parent without doing whatever keeps ex quiet / makes life easier, but you can do it. I just think he could be using this as a way to control you. If he's that type, it'll continue until you make a stand and stick to it.

Do you really think that ex will do this for the next 18 months? Yes he can stick DS in front of the TV, but there's all the food and other parenting tasks. Do you not think that if you refuse to go along with this setup he'll quickly want his day back to himself, and somehow manage to take DS to preschool? Whereas if you make yourself available, you be doing it until DS starts school. And then maybe ex is still upset because school is the same location really? So you'll be doing all the school run trips too.

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 07/05/2019 21:13

Also yes to stopping giving ex any child benefit! Have you looked into maintenance?

Doyoumind · 07/05/2019 21:16

I agree. Take it to court if necessary, or at least start the process to wake him up. You can speak to a mediator and invite him to mediation where it might get sorted. If he doesn't agree to mediation or it doesn't resolve the issue you can make an application to court and they will ensure your DS goes to preschool.

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 07/05/2019 21:22

Also well done on leaving him, and for all the daily trials he'll be causing. I imagine he's worn you down while you were together. Do you have many people in real life who you can chat to? What do they think of your ex?

With regards to parenting together, sometimes you'll need to play the long game of not jumping when your ex behaves badly. Let him feel the consequences of his actions. E. G. If DS loses that day at preschool, then that was due to ex and he can deal with it. It'll be hard, but otherwise it could be harder long term.

Starlight456 · 07/05/2019 22:53

What days is your child in pre school .

I would suggest if he doesn’t want to take Ds to pre school then it goes to eow and one evening a week.

Stop giving child benefit he should be giving you maintenance although it wouldn’t be a lot for one night a week.

You sound like you need to do the freedom program.

Keep out of his stupidity at school. It’s not up to you to calm him.

drspouse · 07/05/2019 23:02

If it's a preschool at a school they usually look into non-attendance. He'd like that even less!
If he wants to reduce his days he can pay more maintenance. His choice.

Original poster
Justme1981 · 08/05/2019 07:23

Thank you all, i invited him to mediation last year which after i went & paid for he declined to attend & agreed to current contact arrangements. I really cant afford to take him to court. I earn more than he does, he says if i dont send child benefit he will make a counter claim & i will get nothing. He also will make a maintenance claim against me. Although i earn more my bills are higher (im in the rented home we prev shared, high amount of debit from marriage which went in my name, he has moved back into his dads). Feel utterly hopeless.

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 08/05/2019 07:27

I'd start getting lawyers involved. I am not sure how it works when decisions are made for what school he should go to etc. Ideally, you'd agree, but if you can't, who gets to make the final decision? Find out your rights.

Original poster
Justme1981 · 08/05/2019 07:28

Sorry just seen more replies after i posted!
He works fri/sat/sun so we cant do every other weekend. Ds is with me from thurs pm to sun pm when ex collects, ex all day mon& mon night, tues ds in preschool, tues night with me, weds am ex collects with ds until thurs pm. Ds has preschool all tues & fri afternoons. Hope that makes sense! I fit my work around ds.

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Original poster
Justme1981 · 08/05/2019 07:29

So ds with me 4/7 ex 3/7
I cant afford a lawyer or court at the min.

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CylindraceousNicholas · 08/05/2019 07:32

if they were questioning if he was allowed to drop his own child that's different, I think many dads would be put out by that
If your child is dropped off by someone they don't recognise then they have every right to question it. If I sent DD in with her auntie they would question her too because they don't know her?! Not a male thing. DP has no issues with this because the staff know him.

If it was a school member and not a nursery staff member then they probably just didn't know who they were or why they were in the car park they shouldn't be using.

Original poster
Justme1981 · 08/05/2019 07:34

Thats exactly what happened, a teacher from the school (not preschool) who neither of us had met questioned him.

OP posts:
iVampire · 08/05/2019 07:38

Hang on - didn’t you have an earlier thread about this?

In which it was clear that all that happened was he was asked why he was in the staff car park

Where he should not have been. And which would have been said to any CF parent

Very persistent dickhead

Original poster
Justme1981 · 08/05/2019 07:39

Yes i put it on lone parents but asked for it to move here for traffic, he is very stubborn!!

OP posts:
Dualmum · 08/05/2019 07:44

He's being an idiot honestly. Nurseries and schools have to be cautious because it protects the children within so don't see what the fuss is. If you get asked the question just answer it and move on. Why cause such a big commotion over something so trivial. Plus if your child is loving his time there why interrupt it by putting him somewhere else. Making a mountain out of a molehill.

titchy · 08/05/2019 07:47

Tell him he's free to try and claim the entire CB - he isn't entitled to it and they won't give it to him.

Seriously - keep the lot, make sure you claim maintenance.

Pick him up from his dad Monday evening. Take him to nursery yourself. Stop letting him dick you and his son around.

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