Please help

[myexisanasshole]

My ex husband has managed to get a court order and c100 and removed my children from my care yesterday. I am utterly distraught, I don't know how he has done it. I have seen the court document and it is full of lies, how can a judge grant it without any proof and just on his say so. He has said I'm a danger to the children, I assaulted my mum, I am suicidal, that we split up because I had a drug problem (we split because he assaulted me in front of our kids and was arrested), he has completely fabricated conversations with my parents, said he only gave them back as I was supervised! NONE of this is true. It is true I had a breakdown and some alcohol issues (that I am addressing) but I was really unwell. I have never been a risk to my children. Social services have said no risk, Drs/psychiatrist/nurse all day no risk. How can he do this? I am seeing my solicitor Monday but I don't see how I can change this with my mental health problems. I love my kids, I'm a good mum, they are loved, fed, clothed, never miss school/childminders, I play with them I cuddle them and I have bought them up alone since they were babies. He hasn't cared until now and yet again he is trying to remove what I love most. I don't know what to do.

Mrsj yes that was me

No cafcass have not been assigned! I do t understand why, apparently this will happen at the next hearing. Again it's another to interim hearing to decide contact again. I'm hoping that the evidence I have will show what a liar he is. 3 versions of one event won't look good. I'm trying to get hold of SPLITZ but no one is getting back to me. On one of the reports about me he said he has contacted them but I can't see why? I've done nothing to him? He has used everything he is and said I'm doing it eg: anger management/emotional abuse. Social services were informed of the lack eye and did nothing 😔

Back eye we from being with him and he had no explanation for it.

Does anyone know the likelihood of me not having overnight access if I'm proving I'm better and stable and doing all I can? And if I can prove he has lied about a lot of things? This whole situation is so frustrating, I can't seem to get my head around how this has happened. He promised me he would look after them until I was better and give them back as they need their mum and now they are gone. I'm so sad today, I've got a horrible headache into my neck and I'm exhausted from no sleep. I hate that I have to just wait it out, watch my little buy scream when he has to leave me and see my daughter angry. She wouldn't hug me yesterday and kept running away to her room, I think she feels I've let her down. I feel incredibly guilty. I don't know what else I can do to help myself or my children 😢

Last night it all got too much and I went out and got drunk 😞 I'm so ashamed, it ruined my day with the children as I've been vomiting all day. I have convinced myself that I won't get the children back and am wallowing I'm self pity and misery. I know I need to sort myself out, fight for my children, be strong and the best mum for them while all this is going on but that's just not me. I've never been able to stand up for myself, I always back down and take the easy option. Part of me wonders if I should hand them over to my ex but they are desperately unhappy. Problem is I feel a mess, I'm very close to another breakdown and that's what he wants. I don't know where to find the strength to do this. I feel broken already 😢

Ok. Well you need to not do that. Sorry, st least you are honest, but if the court decide on the hair strand route, then that's not going to look good for you. At all. When you say you went out and got drunk, evening? Afternoon? Morning?

Trust me, I completely understand the need for numbness, obliteration, whatever, in times when you just cannot cope. But you cannot afford to do that. He will pick up on it quicker than you can say 'unfit mother' (I am not at all saying you are, but he will use it to his advantage...).

Listen, I used to like a drink. Prior to pregnancy and prior to dc's birth. My ex accused me of alcoholism and goodness knows what else, to try and cover up his own issues and violence. I had to give evidence/hair strand tears/suffer through the worst times of my life because of that utter bastard and his lies. But I went teetotal. Completely. And I still am now, and god knows if I will ever drink again. Not because I ever had an issue with alcohol (my hair strand tears speak for themselves, part of his web of lies unravelling... Because I didn't want him to have any ammunition that might result in my babies being taken away and put into his care.

You say earlier you are working with programmes, you have been directed to agencies. You need to speak to these people, you need a support plan in place. Otherwise, all you are doing is playing into his hands.

I apologise if that sounds harsh. You need to be as straight as an arrow, and you need people to bear witness to that.

*tests!!! Not tears!!!

I know you are right, I have to hope he doesn't find out, but even if he does I didn't have the kids and it was a night out. I am going to try and gather the strength to go to AA again as the impact group isn't doing much. I am an addict and I need help. I need to find myself a life of some sort while the children are away. I have too much time on my hands and I think that's the problem. I want to volunteer at my local hospital, keep running, see my kids and stay away from alcohol. I actually pretty scared to drink again after how ill I was and the look on my daughters face when I lost it at everyone will never leave me. I do feel like an awful mother, I feel close to another breakdown which is what he wants 😞

Take all the help you can get, to get well. Use this time when your children are not with you much to sort out your medication properly, to organise regular support to stop drinking.... everything that is needed to get you back to the real, lovely you that your kids know and love.

I don’t know how you feel, so I’m sorry if I sound like I think I have all the answers. I don’t! I can tell from your posts the desperation you are feeling. I do know from my own experience that it’s easy to feel like giving up, or like maybe the children will be better without you.... it’s not true.

You can take just a step at a time. Try not to look too far ahead, try not to think of the worst you think could happen. You are very strong but nobody is strong all the time, so just try a little bit at a time x

I have been looking at part time courses as well. Something in the evening would help and I'm going to go back to Impact and say I need help stopping rather than abstaining. I was doing ok until he took them. I don't know how to deal with the pain, but drinking isn't the answer. I'm desperate to stop before I bloody kill myself. Being on Lithium means I shouldn't drink at all! I am going to give my mum my bank card so I can't buy anything, it's the only way I know I won't have access to cash. She's away next week and I'm scared of being in my own, ridiculous I know! Still can't get the image of my poor daughters face yesterday when I lost it and was screaming at everyone and putting them in the car to go home. I'm not normally and angry person but I am full of complete rage or I'm crying. I have her the biggest hug and apologised and told her I loved her and missed her and that's why I was upset and I think she was ok. I want them to have such a good time with me so they go back to him with happy memories. So far I just cry when they are here. I think I've only managed one day without tears 😢 no more tho, I'll cry before and after, I dont want him to win, I'm going to do all I can to get them home, even if it's shared care.

Doing a part time course sounds like a great idea. What would you like to do?

One day the children will look back and they will know which parent was there for them... that’s what I tell myself anyway.

Keep on keeping on, one little obstacle at a time x

I'm not sure, I'd like to do nails or massage, depends on the price. I'm afraid they will forget me, especially my youngest- my exh has already told them his new gf will be their new mummy. I'm so scared i will loose them to him and they will turn out to be emotionless, nasty, money orientated people who will crush anyone who stands in their way.

Good ideas - there’s always a demand for those things.
They won’t forget you, lovely. You are their mummy and nothing can change that. Your ex may say all these lies, but you are still there for them, they will learn good ways from you and no matter what he says, you’re their mummy, nobody else x

Maybe while they are not at home you could make a photo album or scrapbook for them, and look at this with them when they come to you, confirming good times in their heads? They could draw and write in it too.

I like that idea, my daughter would enjoy doing that. It just so unjust. I have asked for more time with them but I doubt he'll say yes 🙄 I get there may be some concerns from an outside perspective but i would never hurt my children, I don't get drunk around them (apart from the ONE time when I had the breakdown) and I didnt try to kill myself. I'm still waiting to see if I even get legal aid and if I don't I don't know what I'll do. All the while they are living with lying bastard saying god know what to them 😢

I can’t imagine how hard that is...I do know what it’s like to know the ex is lying and lying and seeming to get away with it, so so hard to bear.
Do your children have any pets at your house? They are a great comfort and source of uncomplicated love and enjoyment for mine x

We have a cat, he is all over me at the moment, probably senses I'm sad. I feel like the judge has already made his mind up about me, he granted the emergency order, then did the hearing and will do the next one. I don't understand how he can use an incident from last year (that is a very twisted version) and another that's complete lies and it's up to me to prove it's lies. I'm just trying to focus on staying well and making sure the kids have a great time when with me x

That’s all you can do, and speak the truth yourself all the time, even when it seems to achieve nothing... glad to hear you have a cat for company, they are lovely aren’t they?

I have no advice but I just want to send you a massive hug! I hope you get them back ASAP xx

Thankyou 😊 I won't lie, I am struggling this week, yesterday my daughter was so angry and when I asked why she said my exh had told her this situation is all my fault 😔 poor girl is angry and confused and I feel like she hates me. I have just been accepted on a course for my mental health and have had to ask to change the contact day I have with the children, I am not hopeful he will agree and then I miss out on improving my wellbeing: on the plus it makes him look inflexible which the courts don't like. My nurse is also going to call the MASH team because she has concerns about the children's emotional wellbeing living with him and his girlfriend who we know nothing about. This is just the worst time of my life and I've got potentially months of this ahead. I also can't eve talk to my solicitor because my legal aid hasn't been approved yet. Such a mess and I still do t understand how this has happened before any evidence 😢

Sounds awful, hows the not drinking going?

Yes nothing consumes, really want to, even with everything at stake I just want to forget. I've got no money anyway as now I do t get maintenance or UC for the kids. Not sure how I will survive. On my own today which isn't helping, just wish I could get some answers and know that he won't get away with his lies. I feel very hopeless. He always gets away with everything he does x

Very good that you are being strong enough to keep away from the drink - must be so tempting at the moment when things are so tough x
Your poor little girl, what a joke of a father he is to mess with her head like that... I don’t know how he can tell such lies about his child’s mother, with no concern for her feelings or wellbeing. I’m glad your nurse is going to do something about this.
I know what you mean about being on your own not helping....
Thought of another little thing you could maybe do with your daughter - did something similar with my DS and he enjoyed it - plant up a big tub with some little plants/flower seeds... something to look for each time she is back with you x

He's a narcissist so isnt thinking about the children, it's about controlling me and getting a ready made family for him and his new girlfriend. I'm so worried about the damage being done and how I can try to help her. That's another lovely idea, I'll get some in at the weekend, our garden is bare as we only moved I last June so it could do with some pots. I just hope that the damage can be undone as at 7 my daughter is at a very impressionable age and is quite a clever cookie! X