DM ‘keeping’ DD

[Owlflutter]

NC as v revealing. My DM has kindly had custody of my DD for the past year as I have been doing an internship in a different city. She’s in nursery full time though so DM only does nights, mornings and drop offs/pick ups. She gets more than enough money for DD too. I see her regularly and we have a secure attachment. Now that I’m home and have started my own business I’ve been telling DM I want DD back. She always ums and ahs, finds some sort of excuse why she should stay there. It’s all very fishy to me and she’s quite possessive over her.

She has no PR and nothing has been signed in any context. If I just try to leave with her and I’m prevented, do I involve the police? Or do I have the right to use reasonable force to get my child home?

You said she has custody but you haven't signed anything? How did she get custody of your dd?

When you say custody, do you mean legal custody, or are you using the word simply to mean your DD has lived with her, with no legal framework as it were, while you've done a year's internship?

It's not what you asked, but how old is DD - will she find it confusing if you remove her under hostile conditions?

If you haven't signed parental rights over to her and you still have full rights, then you can just take your child back. Consider what is best for your child, not what is best for you or your DM.

Can you do all of the pick ups etc without your mum ? Your need to think of what's best for dd here, not you - it might be traumatic just doing it.

She is your child, I don’t understand the ummming and aahing from either you or your mum.

No legal custody. She offered to care for her whilst I travel. No solicitor or papers involved. She’s 4 and understands perfectly that she is at ‘nanny’s house’ and ‘mummy’s house’ is home. She has said on multiple occasions she wants to go home with me. My DM is just being very difficult with arranging a definite date for her return. I will have no choice but to walk out with her and if DM turns hostile then I have a family friend I can hand her over to take her home and involve the police if things get aggressive. For all I know she may just let me walk out. I’m just preparing for it to become a legal matter

She’s in nursery full time though so DM only does nights, mornings and drop offs/pick ups.

My children are in nursery full time too; don’t minimise how much she’s doing.

But yes, it’s your child. Just take her home.

DM only does nights, mornings and drop offs/pick ups. which is pretty much what many working parents do! It is hardly "only". Maybe she is concerned that you are busy setting up your business. If she has no pr what arrangement did you come to regarding child benefit etc. Could you negotiate her phased return to you?

Surely if your DM has no legal claim you just go to the nursery and collect your own child

I'm a little confused. Why was it not just the expectation that when you moved back your DD would move in with you? What happens when you say. I'll be over Ron Saturday morning to pack up DDs things and move her back home?

I imagine you mum will really miss them as is worried about that but I can't get my head round how you have accepted any 'umming' and 'ahhing'.

I think what the OP means is she isn't a baby being cared for.
Anyways not the point of the thread - just message your mum and tell her a date time. Or even some kind of phased return so your daughter is comfortable changing houses if it has been a while.

On the one hand I think you need proper legal advice, but on the other I hope that you can avoid the need for it by talking to your mum.

You need to tell her that you understand how much she loves her granddaughter, but that she needs to live with you now, and ask her to work out a plan with you so that can happen as easily as possible and with the least possible stress all round.

She's going to prevaricate, because that has worked for her so far. You need to be calm but firm about this happening. Is she likely to try to take you to court over this? It's understandable that she wants things to stay as they are and hopefully you can get through this without fracturing your relationship beyond repair, but it won't hurt to prepare and be aware of what can happen, what is likely etc.

I have Child Psychology qualifications so don’t worry about that, I’m perfectly capable of making sure she’s happy and safe in her situation. I’m just concerned about it turning into a legal matter and what I may need to do to prepare for that. I.e. one day she refuses me entering the house, locks me out and I can’t get to DD.

Having read your update I am more confused. Do you actually feel it might get hostile? If so why have you left your child with and adult who could get like this over something so reasonable? There has to. E more going on. Than you are telling us.

Go the nursery. Pick up your child. Take her home.

Then you ring your mother and tell her you got sick of her trying to hang onto your child and dithering so you took her home.

I don't think it's fair to say because she goes to nursery your mother "only" does pick ups drops off etc.

Are you saying parents who work and send their kids to nursery "only" do picks ups too?

She's been the sole carer of the child.

How has your relationship with your mother deteriorated to the point that you are actually considering she might refuse?

If she has no PR, then you can collect whenever you want.

Are you planning for her to have continued contact?

Yes why are you dithering about it - just do it

Has your Dd been coming home to you every weekend?

Sorry hope I don’t seem rude! I tend to be quite blunt in typed messages. I was with her every day from newborn and only separated when she started nursery at 3 when DM started caring for her. I had no other choice. Her father has passed and I had to do an internship to get into the job I want to do. I’ve since started my own freelance business and am starting that job next year. Hopefully DM will just let me leave with DD. I’ve been slowly introducing her back home with weekly overnight stays and visits

OP, is your DM quite overbearing generally? I ask because it sounds like you've asked permission to take your DD home and your DM has refused to let you.

To get into a situation where you could think your mother has a say in whether your child comes home with you or where your DM thinks she can refuse to let you take her suggests that there is more to this.

I would suggest you thank her for all of her help, tell her that you're picking DD up on x date and that DD will then live with you and arrange a couple of activities in the very near future for your DM and DD so that DM can deal with the transition and understand that it doesn't mean she will lose her DGD.

It must be hard for her to have given up her own life to care for your DD for a year, so she probably just needs some time to adjust to the idea.

On one hand you trust your DM to care for and raise your child in your absence.
On the other hand you think she is likely to become hostile and will try to abduct your DD.
If you genuinely believe she could act so terribly, why did you entrust your DD to her?

Also, why can't you just pick DD up from.nursery and,take her home?

I am a bit confused.
She is your daughter, your mum helps with care.
Where is the issue?
How is your own relationship with your mum? Is there something else to the story?
Because surely a “finished my internship, picking her up tomorrow morning” should suffice?