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Legal matters

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Original poster

DM ‘keeping’ DD

72 replies

Owlflutter · 27/09/2018 18:19

NC as v revealing. My DM has kindly had custody of my DD for the past year as I have been doing an internship in a different city. She’s in nursery full time though so DM only does nights, mornings and drop offs/pick ups. She gets more than enough money for DD too. I see her regularly and we have a secure attachment. Now that I’m home and have started my own business I’ve been telling DM I want DD back. She always ums and ahs, finds some sort of excuse why she should stay there. It’s all very fishy to me and she’s quite possessive over her.

She has no PR and nothing has been signed in any context. If I just try to leave with her and I’m prevented, do I involve the police? Or do I have the right to use reasonable force to get my child home?

OP posts:

NerrSnerr · 27/09/2018 19:07

It’s impossible for me to raise a child and run a business/get qualifications by myself

Unfortunately that's reality for many. What most will do is run a business/ get qualifications that fit with raising a child.

Do you think that your mum thinks you can't keep her safe? Does your daughter have a social worker? If so, I'd start there.

glamourous · 27/09/2018 19:07

I think you should text your mum and say you want your daughter back home. State a date and time and explain that this doesn't mean she won't have a close relationship with DD. When the date and time comes, see what happens, if she refuses to give her up, just go and collect her from nursery. If your mum doesn't have PR or formal custody she doesn't really have a leg to stand on..

PerfectPenquins · 27/09/2018 19:07

Nobody has said your an unfit mother?
I would be kinder to your own mum though, whilst I apreciate you made the choice in the best future interests of you and your child your mum has been your childs main carer for a long time and this is hard to give up. Its not over bearing at all.
Do you really believe your mum will be violent?
legally nothing is stopping you take your child.

IStandWithPosie · 27/09/2018 19:08

And again, why can’t you collect her from nursery and take her home?

Veganfortheanimals · 27/09/2018 19:08

Good luck owl.xxx 💐

daffodillament · 27/09/2018 19:08

I agree with Yippee ! Its bonkers !

Seniorschoolmum · 27/09/2018 19:10

Op, if you have PR then you can simply collect your dd from nursery and take her home.
If, as I think you are saying, you need your DM to continue doing pick-ups and drop -offs when you start your new job, the sooner your dd is home full time, the better because then it will be clear it is just that.
You need to do school applications from your home.
If at any point, your DM tried to refuse you access to your child, you could involve the police as a last resort or you could go to court for an order to return her to you.
But much better to handle this amicably if at all possible.

Good luck with the new job.

Original poster

Owlflutter · 27/09/2018 19:13

SS were fine as she was not exposed to my abuser or the abuse. It was my choice and she would not have been taken away. I was credited by both the police and SS for making the hard choice to put my child’s safety first. My abuser is now back in prison for unrelated offences so my house is safe for her now. Was impossible to prove breach of restraining order as by the time he was questioned he’d got an alibi and his story ready. The system really needs to change. I had videos of him driving past my house and that wasn’t enough. But it’s all over now my main concentration is getting DD home. She is perfectly happy and a wonderful child, not been affected by my life any way and is completely unaware of everything. We taught her that she’s having a holiday at nanny’s whilst mummy is learning like her at school. It’s me that’s scarred if anything. DM will be fine as she can have as much contact as she wants. I’m going to collect DD from nursery tomorrow but getting all her stuff from DM’s is a different story

OP posts:

Original poster

Owlflutter · 27/09/2018 19:14

I’m glad to know my shit storm of a life is bonkers. Dead EX P and domestic abuse. At least you’re entertained.

OP posts:

LonginesPrime · 27/09/2018 19:19

It’s impossible for me to raise a child and run a business/get qualifications by myself

Loads of us do it.

I took this to mean that OP personally couldn't do that on her own atm - not that she was denying the existence of all of us who are.

Original poster

Owlflutter · 27/09/2018 19:25

Yes you might be able to cope with a child on your own but a domestic violence survivor needs to recover. I didn’t mention it in my OP as it was mostly irrelevant and I would have been more flamed for being ‘mentally unstable’ or a bad influence on my child for being abused. I have severe PTSD as I was nearly killed on 3 occasions, once with a machete. I have done incredibly well to carry on with my internship and land the job. I don’t know many survivors that would have been able to do what I’ve done. I think some people are too sheltered and think all mum’s are glued to their child 24/7. What about those who pay nanny’s and never actually raise their child? Because there’s a lot of them about. But some people are 3specially sheltered when it comes to domestic violence victims and I think there needs to be more awareness of the recovery. You don’t just get a convinction and then you’re happy again. It takes a lot of time. A year in I’m nowhere near and I don’t think I ever will. If I had said she was with her dad for a year would I still have been flamed? My DM is maternal and has been fantastic with her. It’s the best place for her to have been. If I had struggled with her with depression and PTSD I would be flamed for exposing my child to my mental illness

OP posts:

Original poster

Owlflutter · 27/09/2018 19:39

Just want to say that I did not include the DV because I started to get flamed, I did so to try and gain an understanding of my situation. I didn’t mention first off as it’s very sensitive and was irrelevant. I’m going to leave now and concentrate on my life but have been using for quite some years and have loved the time I’ve spent on here so thank you to those that I’ve made friends with, I will PM you if any can see this thread and know my NC. I’d hoped that women could be compassionate towards my situation. I’ve had zero support for my DV, lost all my friends because of my abuser and the system is failing. I have had no counselling yet I am still carrying on. It appears that unless it’s been experienced then it’s hard to empathise with a survivor and I don’t blame any of you. I went to school with people who’s DMs had died and they were living with their GPs, who had been adopted or removed by SS. They were all amazing people and have gone on to have fantastic careers. Please do not be concerned. My DD is and will be fine. I did what most mother’s wouldn’t be able to do to make sure she has the best life possible

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 27/09/2018 19:45

Oh OP I am so sorry for what you have been through. Unfortunately your backstory does mean it makes sense as to why your Mum is dithering and does put a different slant on it.

If you have social service involvement already I would get there advice as how to do this properly with the minimum of disruption to your daughter. Removing herwithout the support of your mum could be detrimental.

You say yourself you are nowhere near being recovered - is this why your mum is unsure

Enko · 27/09/2018 19:46

op go post in the legal forum explaining all including the abuser They will give you sound advice.

Enko · 27/09/2018 19:47

oh ignore me as your now in the legal forum MN must have had a idiotic moment for me :) (showed it as in chat)

Graphista · 27/09/2018 19:53

I believe you've posted about this before.

It's an unusual situation so would be surprised if there were 2 posters in very similar position.

Except the other post the mother was studying and had chosen to leave the child with the grandmother, then the mother met a new man while studying and his work was based in the city she was studying in. So the poster wanted to remove the child from the grandmothers care and from their school, home and friends without any consideration of what was right for the child. Iirc the grandmother (it EVENTUALLY emerged) had actually been the child's primary carer for longer than a year and was concerned the mother wasn't committed enough to being a mother, that the mother only saw the child at the longer academic holidays and barely had a relationship with her, and was regularly making decisions without consideration of what was best for the child.

If you are that poster, again iirc myself and others advised you to work toward rebuilding a relationship with the child first, seeing them more frequently and being suitably considerate of what the grandmother had done for them both.

If you're not that poster and you genuinely have a good, close relationship with your daughter, have a stable life to support your child then of course as the grandmother has no PR you can simply collect her from nursery one day and take her home. Would probably be better for your daughter though to do a phased change and work with your mother to achieve that.

I've gained a degree and worked full time since becoming a single parent, thousands of single parents manage.

"Not been affected by my life...completely unaware of everything" you're kidding yourself! Of course she knows something isn't right if only by seeing her friends living with their parents and being separated from you!

You say you're home is safe for now as your abuser is in prison, will it still be safe when he gets out?

SemperIdem · 27/09/2018 19:53

That does explain why your mum isn’t being quick off the mark.

I wouldn’t take it to mean that she doesn’t believe in you, rather she wants to make sure that you, her own child, are in a good place before your daughter comes back to live with you full time. I suspect she is doing it out of love and worry not to upset you.

Can you have a frank conversation with her about your daughters living arrangements?

You have, as you say, done really well considering all you have been through.

LonginesPrime · 27/09/2018 20:17

I have had no counselling yet I am still carrying on

OP, I do mean this kindly, but why wouldn't you seek out some counselling after everything you've been through?

You have obviously had some terrible experiences, and I'm not suggesting you will ever 'get over' them or anything.

But the combination of the way you describe your life experiences and this issue with your DM makes it sounds like you don't feel that you that you have much control over your life or over what happens to you and your DD at the moment. This is completely understandable, given your experiences - I don't think anyone would be able to cope with all of that without some outside help.

The fact that you've asked whether the police/law could intervene to help you deal with a domestic arrangement between you and your DM also suggests this. I think that some counselling might help you get back a sense of control.

user187656748 · 28/09/2018 16:16

I also immediately recognised you as the OP Graphista describes where the circumstances were expressed slightly differently previously. If you are a different OP then my apologies but it would seem like an amazing coincidence.

If you are the same OP then things aren't quite adding up.

Alpacanorange · 01/10/2018 19:11

I relate to your circumstances as the child in all this, she will definitely know something is different. She won’t articulate or understand until she is older. It’s imperative you remain a constant in her life and her gm if she is indeed acting with your dds best interests and not her own need for maternal love. Arrange everything and take her, this is what my mother did and although she was useless in many ways, I know she wanted to be with me and that meant every to me.

Alpacanorange · 01/10/2018 19:11

Everything

cheesefield · 01/10/2018 20:50

Why can you not just go to DMs to fetch DD, walk out of the door and take her home with you? What are you concerned that DM would do? Surely she can't or won't stop you. And if she did try to stop you just call the police?

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