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Legal matters

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Original poster

Ex partner is not happy about childcare arrangements and stopped maintenance

72 replies

Russlola · 10/05/2018 16:34

Hi guys,

Wondering if anyone been in a similar situation. Been split up for 6 years. Never stopped him access, he can always see his child whenever he wanted unless I have plans myself in which case i’d say “no sorry as planned something”
Child maintenance was arranged between us, he just gives me what he sees fit. Never involved anyone such as mediators, csa, even though a lot of my friends said many times that it isn’t enough what he’s giving, but after 6 years I can’t be bothered to start picking, my child is 10 now.
A year ago ex moved 1 hour drive away, and everything went down hill because of it, he doesn’t see her in evenings anymore for obvious reasons and has started to pick up Friday from school and drop off to school on Monday every 2 weeks. It’s fine I came to terms with it, my daughter has given up Brownies as started to miss sessions every 2 weeks. And started turning up to school late some Mondays sometimes as the drive from his house is hour and half in morning. Ok... fine.
A few months ago my daughter was invited into a gymnastics squad, but the work outs are on Saturdays, and because of her father she said no as he wouldn’t allow it. Last month she was approached again by a coach who was setting up a new squad and knowing my daughter and her abilities invited her into the new squad. As my daughter has been doing gymnastics for a long time and being already in advanced group, she really wanted to join this time, and I gave her the option to join but I left it up to her to arrange it with her father. Am I wrong that I let my 10 year old decide how she spends her Saturdays? It’s 4 hour training.
The news didn’t go well with my ex and he refused to pick her up on Saturdays after gym as it’s late and eating into his weekends, now 2 fortnights in the row he isn’t seeing her because she chose to go gym and now also the child maintenance stopped. And even though it’s a small amount, I’m relying on it.
What are my options? How can I agree with my ex for him to pick her up Saturday evening and still have her for 2 nights? It’s a bit unfair that he’s not seeing her because she chose her gym training. I can’t afford mediation, or setting up a court order, I work and not eligible for legal aid.
Anyone else took their ex’s to court about something similar? Would the court pick his side? That I shouldn’t let her do any clubs on weekends because it’s his time?
I hope I’m making sense, just don’t know what to do, my daughter is now cross that her father wouldn’t get her after gym and is against her training

OP posts:

Ditzyitzy · 10/05/2018 16:39

Haha he wishes! He will still have to pay CM, infact it will increase as he isn’t seeing her as much. Isn’t he able to just collect her after the gym?

loopylass13 · 10/05/2018 16:46

I can see why he might be upset to have things change and effectively lose out on DD company for 48 hours every month, but something she is passionate about I can see a reasonable parent compromising. You are not stopping contact, he is. Courts can't force him to see her at all. If you were stopping contact then he could go to count to get access etc. But it doesn't work the other way around. I imagine he is pulling a little bit of a hissy fit and likely will come across to the new arrangement, you could offer my phone calls/skype or even offer more days over summer holiday to make up for the days he lost.

As for maintenance - you might have to just go the CSA (or whatever it is called) route.

I'd try to open dialog on both issues - not just let your 10 year old sort it.

loopylass13 · 10/05/2018 16:47

I am sleepy - you could offer more phone calls. He might come around to the new arrangement etc.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/05/2018 16:48

Coukd he have her every week Sat - Mon unless either of you have special plans?
And contact CMS!

blaaake · 10/05/2018 16:52

Go through the CMS and get it taken out of his wages!! You have 8 more years of this.

Original poster

Russlola · 10/05/2018 16:53

He’s self employed and fiddles with his income and we don’t have anything set up through csa or anything like that. He says he can’t pick her up Saturday evening because it takes an hour to drive down and then an hour back he won’t get much time to see her. So he isn’t doing it and waiting for her to give up gym. But I’m seeing this as, we didn’t move away from him, he moved away from us, so my daughter shouldn’t suffer because of his choices

OP posts:

Greggers2017 · 10/05/2018 16:54

If she's doing gym every Saturday I actually really feel for the dad. He has effectively lost half his time with her. Can't he have her every weekend Saturday till Monday if he can?
I know I'd be gutted if I lost half my time with my children.
I also think he should be the parent who decides what he does with her on his contact days. I'm sure if you looked around you would be able to find one on an evening g during the week.

Smeddum · 10/05/2018 16:55

Self employed people still need to submit tax returns and if he’s lying on that report him for fraud. Go to the CMS and see what they can do.

I guess the rest of it he’s just being a dick. Your DD has the right to go to clubs/activities and you’re not stopping contact, he is.

Smeddum · 10/05/2018 16:57

He says he can’t pick her up Saturday evening because it takes an hour to drive down and then an hour back he won’t get much time to see her. So he isn’t doing it and waiting for her to give up gym. But I’m seeing this as, we didn’t move away from him, he moved away from us, so my daughter shouldn’t suffer because of his choices

My DP in between his girls coming to stay drives a 5 hour round trip to take them out for dinner, or days out even if it’s just for an hour or so.

So if your ex really gave a shit he’d drive to see her irrespective of time. He’s manipulating a child to get his own way.

And you’re spot on, he moved, he is the one making demands at the cost of something his DD enjoys and benefits from and he’s the one being a prick.

fuzzywuzzy · 10/05/2018 17:00

I would not agree to every weekend where’s your fun time with your dd then?

He chose to move away and unfortunately as children grow up they do clubs, parties, activities it’s a fact of life.

Go thro CMS he’ll have to give whatever is the percentage of the tax returns he files.

Original poster

Russlola · 10/05/2018 17:00

I understand that he’s missing time, but if I was in his shoes, I wouldn’t stop seeing her completely and I would take her to the work out, he has an option to take her Friday after school but he’d need to drive her down on Saturday afternoon, hung around for 4 hours and drive back, which is now a long way, when before we lived locally.
I’ve also looked moving her to some evening and even with a different club, but she has progressed so much that there is nothing, she still does 2 hours in the week advanced and the squad training is on Saturdays, no other clubs near by do anything more advanced :(

OP posts:

KingTot · 10/05/2018 17:03

To be honest you're both in the wrong. He can't and shouldn't have stopped maintenance but nor should you have entertained allowing an activity that occurred during his time. It's not on and in my experience the court would back him. You've undermined him as an equal parent. He's not reacted well but you've set this up to go badly. You should go through CMS for the money. It's your only recourse.

Original poster

Russlola · 10/05/2018 17:20

So do you think/know that if he seeks legal advise/citizen advise and they send us for mediation and we don’t agree, send us to court, then the court would say she has to give up gymnastics if he doesn’t want her to do it? Because it’s his weekend?

OP posts:

SingingSands · 10/05/2018 17:20

It is not “his time”. Your dd is committed to her gymnastics. It is her time.

He is the adult, he moved away, if he wants “his time” then he’s going to have to accept that this will include 4 hours of gym.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 10/05/2018 17:24

Ime the judge will order each parent not to make plans for the dc in the other parent's time.
My exh used to farm my ds's out for tea whenever he could and football training to make the dc miss my nights. He got lashed in court. Your dd is too young to decide to miss df for an activity. She will have no understanding of the implications on their relationship.

redastherose · 10/05/2018 17:43

OP you haven't stopped his contact he has. He could still pick her up Friday, spend Friday evening and Saturday morning with her, drive her to gymnastics and take her home afterwards. He would be doing no more than many parents do to facilitate their child's chosen hobby.

He is choosing not to see his daughter because he can't be arsed with the drive for her to do something she loves. He only has contact for 2 days out of every 14 and he can't be bothered about putting himself out even a little bit.

Get in touch with cms (or whatever it's called) and open a case.

He's a selfish prick, why should your daughter miss out on something she loves and why should he be able to control you with money?

RandomMess · 10/05/2018 17:56

I would just go down CMS route for money.

I would suggest that DD misses gym every 3rd or 4th week so he gets a whole weekend. I would like at a gym club further away.

bastardkitty · 10/05/2018 17:56

But I’m seeing this as, we didn’t move away from him, he moved away from us, so my daughter shouldn’t suffer because of his choices

I agree. Go to CMS without warning so he does not have time to do additional cooking of the books. Maintenance will only be backdated to the date you submitted the claim.

Is there a court order in place? If not, crack on with the gymnastics and let him sulk. If he seeks a court order, your DD's needs and wishes will at least be considered. Bringing her late to school after contact is completely unacceptable. Please document very carefully in case you do end up in court. Have all communications via email and make sure that your words place your DD's best interests at the centre of any exchanges. Completely inappropriate to offer him every weekend. If suitable, offer him longer contact in the school holidays.

bastardkitty · 10/05/2018 17:58

If you train at that sort of level in gymnastics you just cannot miss training every few weeks.

RandomMess · 10/05/2018 18:15

Actually 6 hours a week isn't that high level training at gymnastics at that age... unless the club hope her to move upwards and onto more in the near future?

Original poster

Russlola · 10/05/2018 18:24

We don’t have any court order set up, I have always been open minded and let him have her when he wants. It has always been easy to arrange things with him as he lived 5 mins walk away, but then with his new relationship he moved to his gfs 1 hour drive and we haven’t exactly agreed about 3 nights every fortnight, he just started doing it, and also stopped seeing my daughter during the week in evenings, used to be at least 1 evening a week!
I even let him take her to a family holiday with his new girlfriend, and he chose to do it during school days and I got a fine for it which I paid as he refused to pay it. So I feel like i’ve been accommodating!
And I have spoken to the gym club about doing every 2 weeks and they said she’d miss the routines and would fall behind... also I still be paying £100 a month regardless if she goes or not.
It’s very frustrating!

OP posts:

Thebluedog · 10/05/2018 18:29

I have exactly the same thing with my youngest, my ex has the dc eow, but my youngest dd has gymnastics on a Saturday. At the moment she simply misses eow, simple as that. She is on the waiting list for gymnastics during the week which will remove this issue.

The less your ex has your dc, the more he’ll have to pay. Go to the Csa (or whatever they are called now). Court can’t force him to see the dc so pointless going if you’re trying to force him to see your dc

Aprilmightbemynewname · 10/05/2018 18:35

You should have let him go to court for non payment of the holiday fine. Both parents are liable .

ohamIreally · 10/05/2018 18:39

Agree go to CMS it's based on HMRC records now so even if he's cooking the books you should get something. I don't think you should have paid the fine. You should have told the school that your DD was with her father and it was his responsibility to get her to school on his contact time not yours.

43percentburnt · 10/05/2018 18:47

It’s a shame he can’t see the bigger picture. If he stops her doing her hobby she may resent him as she reaches her teenage years. Yes he gets her to spend time with him now but at 15/16 she’s likely to ditch him for friends and sleepovers.

He’d be better picking her up for breakfast one Saturday a month spending the morning with her, taking her to gym - watch her or catch up with friends for the 4 hours then take her to his. The other Saturday collect her post gym. This would create a nice set up for him and one she may not want to drop as a teenager (mine always loved a breakfast at a cafe!).

Id be pleased my child enjoyed a hobby and was dedicated to commit this much time to it.

I think it’s sad that Nrp often get their children to give up their hobbies. Doesn’t seem to be in the child’s best interest.

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