Ex partner is not happy about childcare arrangements and stopped maintenance

[Russlola]

Hi guys,

Wondering if anyone been in a similar situation. Been split up for 6 years. Never stopped him access, he can always see his child whenever he wanted unless I have plans myself in which case i’d say “no sorry as planned something”
Child maintenance was arranged between us, he just gives me what he sees fit. Never involved anyone such as mediators, csa, even though a lot of my friends said many times that it isn’t enough what he’s giving, but after 6 years I can’t be bothered to start picking, my child is 10 now.
A year ago ex moved 1 hour drive away, and everything went down hill because of it, he doesn’t see her in evenings anymore for obvious reasons and has started to pick up Friday from school and drop off to school on Monday every 2 weeks. It’s fine I came to terms with it, my daughter has given up Brownies as started to miss sessions every 2 weeks. And started turning up to school late some Mondays sometimes as the drive from his house is hour and half in morning. Ok... fine.
A few months ago my daughter was invited into a gymnastics squad, but the work outs are on Saturdays, and because of her father she said no as he wouldn’t allow it. Last month she was approached again by a coach who was setting up a new squad and knowing my daughter and her abilities invited her into the new squad. As my daughter has been doing gymnastics for a long time and being already in advanced group, she really wanted to join this time, and I gave her the option to join but I left it up to her to arrange it with her father. Am I wrong that I let my 10 year old decide how she spends her Saturdays? It’s 4 hour training.
The news didn’t go well with my ex and he refused to pick her up on Saturdays after gym as it’s late and eating into his weekends, now 2 fortnights in the row he isn’t seeing her because she chose to go gym and now also the child maintenance stopped. And even though it’s a small amount, I’m relying on it.
What are my options? How can I agree with my ex for him to pick her up Saturday evening and still have her for 2 nights? It’s a bit unfair that he’s not seeing her because she chose her gym training. I can’t afford mediation, or setting up a court order, I work and not eligible for legal aid.
Anyone else took their ex’s to court about something similar? Would the court pick his side? That I shouldn’t let her do any clubs on weekends because it’s his time?
I hope I’m making sense, just don’t know what to do, my daughter is now cross that her father wouldn’t get her after gym and is against her training

I’d give rights of women a call OP.

As an ex gymnast myself, if your DD is good then training is tough and can be up to 4 x a week including 4hrs on a saturday. Personally I would always put my DC needs first and if she is passionate about gymnastics and is already advanced I am a little surprised at her DF being difficult about her pursuing this. Sounds like you have been more than reasonable, not sure why you let him take your DD out of school though...but thats another thread. If your DD wants to do gymnastics then let her, he can then go through the courts if he so wishes. As for CSA, that is separate issue and all you need to do is go online and follow the guidance. I do understand his frustration at the club falling at the weekend but he is putting his needs before his DD. My DC do lots of sports at the weekend and if my OH and I split those clubs would continue.

It is not “his time”. Your dd is committed to her gymnastics. It is her time

This in spades. Lots of tweens/teens have time consuming activities if they have a talent.

Just go cms OP - any award is better than nothing. What a twat he is

He says he can’t pick her up Saturday evening because it takes an hour to drive down and then an hour back he won’t get much time to see her
Well it's an hour to drive there then an hour of her company in the car to catch up, stop somewhere for dinner en route depending on times etc and he still gets her for the whole of Sunday. Its not like he's bringing her back Sunday for lunch time

It is really sad when a parent refuses to support a talented, committed child.
My dd worked hard at her sport, was regional champion and selected for the British Championships. I got up at 6 am for years to take her to training before school. DH and I both encouraged her because it meant a lot to her. She made friends outside school, learned to work in a team, coached and mentored younger girls.
OP it is a shame your ex can't think about the long term benefits to his dd rather than his own wants. He could be taking her to training, volunteering to help the club, maybe they need help with fund raising, accounts, a club website. He could be supporting and contributing.
Surely that would only be good for their relationship.
What does he do with her on his weekends at present?

So many valid opinions here guys, unfortunately my ex was never for taking her to clubs as never agreed with any of them. He slowly encouraged her to give up so it would make his life easier, the only sport she obviously carried on doing was gymnastics, and at the moment it’s only 6 hours a week. And enjoys it, and she spoke to her father on the phone and told him that she wants to do it and she is going without him agreeing as mother gave her permission (doh), and he told her that he isn’t picking her up then. And my daughter just replied with ‘fine, but you can still see me for a bit of a weekend or during the week’ but my ex isn’t having it. At the moment they do the standard maybe day out by the beach and arcades on Saturday and pub dinner or something and Sunday at home kind of thing, roast, tv.
This whole gymnastics squad just opened a can of worms, where we never had anything official agreed, I can see him trying to go legal way, because he thinks i’ve stopped him seeing her by agreeing to something without consulting him, so I caused it, I am partially to blame. But my daughter also blank refused to give up her space in the squad.
So looks like I will have to go csa (or whatever it’s called now) and that obviously will kick off him going to citizens advise to set up mediation as he’s very hateful towards me. And thinks I’m doing the whole gym going to stop her seeing him. But I just want my daughter to do her hobby and enjoy it, and in fact it would make my life easier if he took her on his weekends. Otherwise I’m doing everything now, so why would I try and stop access !

Cms are useless particularly with self employed people. I would try and come to an amicable arrangement if I were you, You have done for years so im sure you can do it again.

You have to have limits when trying to be reasonable with unreasonable people. Sometimes a regular payment, even a small one, is better than the aggro of dealing with an arsehole, plus, as I said earlier, he won't be expecting it.

You will be lucky to get regular payments with the cms! They have to be hassled to do their job and even then they really dont push all these powers they say they have.
I havent had one payment from my ex in over 5years. There are many people like me in the same position with alot of money owed to them, they will never see.
There are also talks of cms wiping off the debt child maintenance avoiders owe as they just cant collect the payments from them, there is a reason that 3.8 BILLION is owed to resident parents. The system is broken.
Trust me op you are better of negotiating yourself.

KingTot
By that reasoning any child of separated parents should be denied the opportunity to pursue a serious sport or similar activity.
There is a child in my dd's club whose parents had a less than amicable divorce.
They each take her to the club on alternate weekends. Because they put their child first.
It is impossible to excell at a sport if you only attend 50% of the time.
This man is being selfish and clearly doesn't care about his future relationship with his dd.

I am shocked that you paid the school fine OP.
Please never do that again.
Inform the school that you do not consent to him removing her and let them take him to court.

As much as your dd loves gymnastics a judge would deem her relationship with her df to be more valuable and worthy of her time.
Been there except I was the dm losing out on time with my dc's .

OP it is hard to predict whether a CAFCASS officer, and the Court, would back you. Given your daughter's age and strong wish to participate, however, by forcing her to give up her interest to suit his convenience he will be setting the scene for a really shit relationship with her in future. And this problem will only worsen: wait till secondary school homework kicks in. We have 2 at secondary, and whole weekends go up in smoke to homework and projects, especially if anyone has had a weekend "off" doing scouts or D of E.

All you can do is support the relationship insofar as you can, have your daughter's back in supporting her clear wish to follow her interest, and if he takes it to court, don't see it as a massive fight. You have a genuine disagreement, and if you can't resolve it between yourselves or with a mediator, the Court is your only option.

And if the Court says she must give up gymnastics, your daughter will understand that you tried, but that a higher authority said no. And learning that even grown ups can't just do what they want is part of growing up.

I hope the Court supports your daughter's strong (and very laudable) desire for her club, It's a fantastic mix of fitness, social time, self discipline, resilience, teamwork and (I hazard a guess) massive bling, and all of those are so important to raising girls who can survive the frankly appalling world society has allowed to be made for them. She deserves all that, plus a relationship with her dad,

HE moved away. HE chose not to live near his DD.

He’s being a twat. Encourage your DD to do the gymnastics she enjoys. Her father is a lazy, selfish twat, she knows this already. She knows he could pick her up from gymnastics but chooses not to.

For all of those saying ‘poor daddy missing out on time with his baby girl’. Wise up. He chose to move away, he chose to stop being able to see her kid week and attend school stuff, he’s never wanted her to do activities...he’s choosing not to collect her Saturday afternoon. He could go down early Saturday morning, take her out for breakfast etc drop her & collect her from gymnastics. He’s choosing not to.

Plus, he’s witholding what little maintenance he does pay to put pressure on the OP to stop her DD doing something he loves because he’s a lazy, selfish, twat.

OP tell him to do as he pleases re contact & go through the CSA, something is better than nothing.

However justified that attitude may be, it won't endear OP to the Court.

Stay positive as much as you can, let the judge/mags draw their own negative conclusions.

@MrsBertBibby with respect I think you’re projecting. It is not OP who is not considering the best interests of her child, it is her ex. That is what the court would take a dim view of.

Whether they’d rule against gymnastics or not, I don’t know, but please don’t imply OP is the one being unreasonable, because she certainly is not.

He should have considered this possibility when he moved away. Is it all about him or about his DD? Does he want her to resent him? Fwiw I think you’re doing the right thing in supporting her.

I worked with someone in London who drove up to Blackpool every other weekend to pick up his child. That's what fathers do. He had moved away and didn't want it to affect his relationship with his child.

Your ex is being a dick.

Write a monthly schedule with her gymnastics blocked out and ask him to fill in any times he wants her, so basically every evening and every Sat eve - Sunday evening. Or Monday morning as long as she is in school on time.

Also how is public transport from your home to his? She is maybe a bit young but in a year or two if there is a direct train or bus she might be able to take herself over to his,.

We have no idea why the father moved further away. Plenty of women have come on here asked if they should move for a better support system, cheaper housing etc and been told absolutely they should go. He moved an hour not to another country!

If what you want to hear is that he's a twat and to carry on you'll get it here but a court is unlikely to agree. You signing her up for an activity during the time he normally sees her will be seen as obstructive to the relationship. 6 hours a week doesn't make a serious gymnast anyway. There are loads of things she could have been encouraged to try when it would have affected their contact time. Families make all different decisions of what activities they are willing to support with time and resource. Now that you aren't together you get to make those decisions independently. It comes across as you trying to punish him for moving.

Smeddum, I am a solicitor with 20 years experience in family law.

I'm not telling the OP she is being unreasonable. I am telling her how best to approach this in court to get a result she is happy with.

I think you might need to read the last few posts again once you have had some more coffee.

King Tot
He moved to live with his girlfriend.

@MrsBertBibby 2 coffees down and you’re right. I’m sorry.

Where would we all be without coffee?!

@MrsBertBibby I’m on number 4 now! In my case I’d be unable to form coherent sentences I think

Go through the CMS - your daughter deserves it.

He will have to grow up. He'd rather throw a fit than support his dd in doing something she enjoys and is talented at, and that will keep her fit and healthy? Selfish bell end.

And he doesn't get to stop paying for this reason. You still have to pay the mortgage, etc., don't you, whethern or not dd goes to gym?

He's acting like a child. DD is getting to an age where access will change as she wants to see friends etc at weekends and not her dad. He'll have to suck it up.

Why did he move an hour away?