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Original poster

Ex partner is not happy about childcare arrangements and stopped maintenance

72 replies

Russlola · 10/05/2018 16:34

Hi guys,

Wondering if anyone been in a similar situation. Been split up for 6 years. Never stopped him access, he can always see his child whenever he wanted unless I have plans myself in which case i’d say “no sorry as planned something”
Child maintenance was arranged between us, he just gives me what he sees fit. Never involved anyone such as mediators, csa, even though a lot of my friends said many times that it isn’t enough what he’s giving, but after 6 years I can’t be bothered to start picking, my child is 10 now.
A year ago ex moved 1 hour drive away, and everything went down hill because of it, he doesn’t see her in evenings anymore for obvious reasons and has started to pick up Friday from school and drop off to school on Monday every 2 weeks. It’s fine I came to terms with it, my daughter has given up Brownies as started to miss sessions every 2 weeks. And started turning up to school late some Mondays sometimes as the drive from his house is hour and half in morning. Ok... fine.
A few months ago my daughter was invited into a gymnastics squad, but the work outs are on Saturdays, and because of her father she said no as he wouldn’t allow it. Last month she was approached again by a coach who was setting up a new squad and knowing my daughter and her abilities invited her into the new squad. As my daughter has been doing gymnastics for a long time and being already in advanced group, she really wanted to join this time, and I gave her the option to join but I left it up to her to arrange it with her father. Am I wrong that I let my 10 year old decide how she spends her Saturdays? It’s 4 hour training.
The news didn’t go well with my ex and he refused to pick her up on Saturdays after gym as it’s late and eating into his weekends, now 2 fortnights in the row he isn’t seeing her because she chose to go gym and now also the child maintenance stopped. And even though it’s a small amount, I’m relying on it.
What are my options? How can I agree with my ex for him to pick her up Saturday evening and still have her for 2 nights? It’s a bit unfair that he’s not seeing her because she chose her gym training. I can’t afford mediation, or setting up a court order, I work and not eligible for legal aid.
Anyone else took their ex’s to court about something similar? Would the court pick his side? That I shouldn’t let her do any clubs on weekends because it’s his time?
I hope I’m making sense, just don’t know what to do, my daughter is now cross that her father wouldn’t get her after gym and is against her training

OP posts:

Original poster

Russlola · 11/05/2018 17:48

I see some people saying she isn’t doing it on a serious level, so it might sound a bit putty, just to confirm, it’s not a very serious level but i’ve been holding her back keeping her in advanced recreational even though many times they told me she needs to move up. Obviously the moving up meant 4 hours Saturdays and I have previously said no, but the question of joining a squad kept popping up. To the point that my daughter being a little bit older started sulking that I wouldn’t agree to it. But the gym times will increase eventually, as she loves it and wants to do more. Just didn’t want to jump from 2 hours to 10 hours, at the moment she’s on 6 hours and as she’s learning new things, and it’s a new squad it’s enough.
Again, all of what I just said my ex don’t even know because he doesn’t want to know. And happy for her to carry on only if she misses 8 hours a month of gym and goes to his on Friday night. To which request her gym club said she’ll fall behind, and there’s no point then, she might as well carry on with simple advanced rec weekly, but she can’t progress from that. I didn’t make the decision to let her do it lightly either as I find long training like that could be tiring. But she’s doing well. Of course I’m not doing it to punish him for moving, I’m more than happy if he wants to take her after school on a Tuesday and drop her to school on Wednesday. (Even though half the time she’ll be late for school) or if he stall wants to do the original arrangement of fortnightly Friday to Monday but take her to gym on Saturday!
Obviously I don’t see what’s his problem is because if I was him, i’d want to by her stuff, take her places, and any opportunity I get I’d take, but he really isn’t like that. And he rented his house out and moved in with his new gf is the reason he moved.
Also when the school fine came through about term time holiday, I have spoke to our council and said I didn’t have the right to stop him taking her because I don’t even have a residency order, and they said I was liable to pay the fine as I’m her parent. From what I gathered is he also received a fine under his address but refused to pay it and they took him to court but he didn’t turn up, so I don’t know what happened with his side of things. So from what you can see already, he is pretty careless.
I just want something in writing and kind of thinking that if he now kicks up a fuss, he might take me court and we have it in black and white but I already know that his daughter will resent him for it. She is quite bright, and understands the things that go on.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 11/05/2018 18:02

Is there any other gym club between where you live and where he lives?

I think if he takes you to court then he may well "win" and she has to miss gymnastics. If you could find a club that would impact his contact less then that could be a solution. Her missing one weekend a month is another temporary solution.

Does the club operate Year around rather than term time only (I assume at comp level it does).

I would explore all options and write him a very nicely worded letter giving him options to give him the optimal contact and let DD continue gymnastics. I would end it that you understand that he doesn't want to lose that time with DD and he of course can take it to court however you feel that In doing so it would sour DDs feelings towards him which would be a shame.

He's selfish and you and DD both know it. The older she is when he takes the matter to court the more weight her wants will gain.

Can you implement face time contact during the week?

Original poster

Russlola · 11/05/2018 18:33

He used to see her one evening mid week but stopped that when we moved further away as couldn’t be bothered to drive anymore I guess, unless there are other reasons like his gf wanted him home for dinner, I don’t know what’s in his head. He is however allowed to phone /FaceTime her whenever he wants, and he does when he wants. So it’s not like I’ve cut him off. He’s just very cross about the whole gym situation that I’m preparing myself for the fight now.
I could write him a letter but I have a feeling that he will disregard it, as he ignores my messages most of the time and I don’t even know his new address.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 11/05/2018 18:49

Have you explored Gym clubs near where he lives?

Original poster

Russlola · 11/05/2018 19:16

I’ve looked into a gym club near him, and they do the similar thing, but kids can join the squad by invitation only and to join the club you have to go on a waiting list first. So with that in mind if she joins that club, she’d have to go every Saturday and during the week there, and start from scratch to be invited into a squad and make new friends as she’s not from round the there and knows no one what so ever. Clubs like that don’t allow to miss days either

OP posts:

RandomMess · 11/05/2018 19:18

But her going there wouldn't inconvenience him to the same level. You could send the club a tape of her competing and see if they would consider her for competition squad.

Presumably most of the competitions are at the weekends so that will also impact on contact time...

Original poster

Russlola · 11/05/2018 19:27

So if I’ll do that.... assuming nothing else changes i’ll have to drive an hour once or twice during the week straight after school, stay in town I don’t know and drive back an hour. Having dinner on the move. And then repeat the same every other weekend... with no extra money to compensate my efforts either. To me just seems like he’s winning... and I’m a bit of a mug
Well if my daughter wants to do that, I suppose I will.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 11/05/2018 19:31

Far from ideal I agree but worth exploring if he takes you to court and your DD has to leave current club!!

Any chance of the bulk of her training moving to weekdays within the next year?

Original poster

Russlola · 11/05/2018 19:42

I spoke to the club about this and they said that they always do Saturdays training as that’s the best way to fit in 4 hours and kids not too tired after school too, and then they do 2 hourly sessions in the week after school 1 or 2 nights. Would be great if she could just do training in the evenings of-course, then I wouldn’t have to deal with my ex at all. And my daughter would do her hobby without troubles.
I suppose it’s a valid point I can bring up, about her moving clubs. Cause then I’m willing to compromise. Need to be positive ...

OP posts:

RandomMess · 11/05/2018 19:44

How long will it take him to bother to take you to court

Original poster

Russlola · 11/05/2018 19:54

Honestly don’t know, he’s refusing to see his daughter right now and she’s refusing to give up gym, it’s like a prophetic stand off at the moment, of course he’s blaming me but we need to do mediation first and agree the child maintenance too. And then if we can’t agree on access then the next thing they do is send us to court ... I think

OP posts:

bastardkitty · 11/05/2018 20:04

I wouldn't change plans for your DD to accommodate the selfish twat, unless court looms and it's necessary.

rollingonariver · 11/05/2018 20:06

Stop pandering to him. He's a twat and it sounds like every time you give in he pushes just a bit further, he's an arse. Stand up for your daughter's sake, I wish my dad had stood up to my mum.

pallisers · 11/05/2018 20:13

For goodness sake don't move her to a club an hour away from where she lives just to pander to this man. She will be the one who suffers - sitting in a car unnecessarily during the week. And I bet you he won't get up to bring her to the gym on Saturday anyway.

He needs to sort this out with his daughter. In a couple of years she won't necessarily want to be an hour away every second weekend anyway - between homework, friends, clubs etc. That is the reality of children getting older and the reality of when you move an hour away from where your children primarily reside. The one who moves away generally needs to be more flexible and spending time with your child is of course going to take a bit more effort.

And I just love his "pay per view" attitude to his dd. Does he think she doesn't eat or need clothes if he doesn't see her? what a fool.

DisturblinglyOrangeScrambleEgg · 11/05/2018 20:18

It is not “his time”. Your dd is committed to her gymnastics. It is her time.

I'm glad someone said this.

TBH, I'm a bit surprised at 1.5 hours being described as 'a long drive' - especially if it's just every other week. I've commuted more than that each way every day for work! There's plenty you can do on the drive too - some of my fondest memories are from being in the car with my parents (and now my partner and kids)

Hell, he could bring her down, and use that 4 hours to do the shopping or his invoices or something if he wanted to keep the current arrangement.

Eatmycheese · 11/05/2018 20:30

It’s all “me me me” with him isn’t it.

He needs to gets used to the fact that as your DD grows up it will be more me me me from her and such is life. I expect she just won’t put up with it and vote with her feet eventually.

He’s not really putting her needs and interests etc first is he.

MrsBertBibby · 12/05/2018 07:46

I would agree, joining a gym near him sounds like the worst of all worlds.

The decision is based on what is in your child's best interests. That would in my view be being able to follow her interests and have both parents. This is perfectly achievable, It's not like her dad is 3 hours away. He just needs to understand that as kids get older, their wishes diverge from their parents' quite naturally.,

RandomMess · 12/05/2018 08:44

But he doesn't care about his DDs best interests and the courts will likely rule that contact is more important than her "hobby". If the courts support him in a appalling attitude moving gym club is likely the only option until her DD is of an age where her opinion is supported by the court.

bastardkitty · 12/05/2018 08:47

^ yes - that's only a tiny fraction of what is wrong with the family court

Eatmycheese · 12/05/2018 09:32

Sadly I would agree

VanGoghsLeftEar · 12/05/2018 09:44

He has a choice, doesn't he? He adapts to your child's hobby or he doesn't see her! He can always come and see her any evening during the week, school holidays etc., but it sounds like he wants everything on his terms. Children change, their routines change, but your child's father refuses to change. He needs to realise he is not the centre of the universe.

Plasebeafleabite · 12/05/2018 11:04

the courts will likely rule that contact is more important than her hobby

I don’t think this is necessarily the case given it’s only four hours out of a whole weekend and he only lives an hour away. Dd is getting to the age where her wishes will be taken more into account

And OP could move the hobby nearer the ex and he could still be a twat about her training in “his time”

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