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Original poster

13 year old dd refusing to have contact with her father

65 replies

liv4357 · 19/01/2018 21:09

Hi our dd is 12 and has been refusing to see her father for around 2 months now.
I am trying to be middle man and be there for dd but she is adamant she doesn't want any contact.
Her father is hard work, he is very confrontational to everyone causes arguments between family when dd is there etc. I have tried my best to protect her from everything but she is getting older and has seen things or situations that she is not happy with.
She has told her father what is wrong but his response it to call her a brat and tell her she is overreacting etc also placing the blame on her. We have been separated for a long time due to emotional and physical abuse although I never reported it. I also have never told dd the real reason we separated just that we didn't get on fell out of love etc but she has seen various other girlfriends be treated badly so I think she has some idea of the real situation I was in although we never talk about it.
He is demanding she sees him and telling me I have to force her, he just said he dealing with cafcass and he said he won't let this affect the situation with his other child. And telling our dd she needs to think of her step sibling instead of herself which I think is the wrong things to say and isn't helping. Dd has said she has had enough of the way he behaves and no longer wants to see him. I k ow him very well I also am close to his family who several have gone nc due to the abuse they regularly get from him etc
I obviously don't want to force dd to go and want to support her but I am not stopping the contact myself and trying my best to help resolve it, there is a court order from about 6 years ago where I did stop contact due to him not contacting or visiting dd we ended up agreeing things in mediation and it was fine for a while I was happy regular contact was in place etc he no longer let our dd down. He has now started to blame me saying I need to do more but what can I do? I'm scared of him even all these years later but I can't help but feel he is bullying dd by the things he is saying. He said he will go down the legal route if he has to and she refuses to see him anymore so how do I support her? Also she legally has to have contact until she is 16 so she doesn't have a choice.
I just would like unbiased opinions I am trying my best but finding it hard to bite my tongue when he is saying things that are in my opinion harmful to dd she can't speak to him without ending up in tears it's heartbreaking

OP posts:
jayho · 19/01/2018 21:34

She's of an age cafcass will take her wishes and feelings into account. I have a similar situation with my 13yo. Cafcass are clear it is the fathers responsibility to mediate contact and mine to support and facilitate in accordance with his wishes. Cafcass and the court accepts that contact cannot be en forced and that I cannot be made to enforce it.

Hope this helps.

jayho · 19/01/2018 21:35

In accordance with my child's wishes, to be clear.

Original poster
liv4357 · 19/01/2018 21:45

Thank you for the reply, I appreciate any help I can get. I have made it clear to him I will talk with dd but can not force her to go.
Im not telling her not to go and have said he tries his best and maybe give things another go but she really doesn't want to.
Her dad is telling me he won't have this behaviour for a child of his and he will not allow his other child to be affected by not seeing our dd. They were close but haven't seen each other for over a year, it seems to me he is using her step brother as some kind of weapon to make her want to go. he is telling me that cafcass are asking about our dd as she has not been there during his contact centre visits with his other ds, Is this something they would do? I am thinking of calling them monday to ask advice but can I do so without giving personal details as if he found out I had rang them he would go ballistic?

OP posts:
Dscarl07 · 19/01/2018 21:53

Your daughter is seeing and understanding a lot more than you think at her age. She’s probably seeing what an arse he is and doesn’t want to stand for it. Respect your daughters wishes, he cannot force her to be with him if she chooses not to. Such a shitty situation for you Sad

jayho · 19/01/2018 21:57

Hang on, so he sees his other child at a contact centre monitored by cafcass?

Is your daughter expected to have contact with him as her step sibling at these contact sessions or to accompany him as part of her contact with her father?

jayho · 19/01/2018 21:57

And not as

Original poster
liv4357 · 19/01/2018 22:03

That is exactly how I see it too but it makes me so sad that she has noticed the things I tried to protect her from. I support her 100% I always will. It's getting so hard to bite my tongue with some of the things he has said but I am doing my best. It has been a long time coming if I am honest well over a year he even asked her to lie to the police regarding his ex and contact which dd refused but was petrified. I know the blame will be placed on me and he will tell anyone who will listen I am forcing dd to make these decisions so I am already expecting that. Will cafcass be interested in any of the messages I have from him? I have kept everything incase it gets to that point. I know the courts were not interested in anything years ago

OP posts:
jayho · 19/01/2018 22:04

Sounds like cafcass are exploring his wider family dynamics, nothing for you worry about but potential issue for him

Frouby · 19/01/2018 22:05

My dd is 13 and stopped seeing her dad last March when she was 12 for similar reasons.

Her father was emotionally, financially and almost physically abusive to me. I suspect my dd has seen the ea side of my ex and decided she doesn't want to be a part of his life because of this.

My role as I see it is to support dd in making good choices about relationships in the future. Even taking away my feelings about her father he is an absolute knobber. I have been careful about how much she knows about what happened when we were together. All dd is doing is seeing what he is. He sounds very similar to your ex.

All I have done is explain the legal process to dd and what might happen. I have told her to write down what happened to make her not want to see her dad and how she feels about their relationship. And that at some point she may need to speak to cafcas.

It's all you can do really.

Original poster
liv4357 · 19/01/2018 22:08

@Jayho I'm not 100% sure what is going on but he does see his ds in a contact centre but told me cafcass are asking why my daughter is not there but I'm not sure how truthful that is. I'm not personally involved with cafcass at all and dd has been once with him to visit her step sibling that's all I know. His ex stopped contact over a year ago due to his behaviour when dropping off and picking up their ds. I only know what he tells me and he isn't the best at telling the truth and nothing is ever his fault etc

OP posts:
Original poster
liv4357 · 19/01/2018 22:12

Writing it all down is a great idea, your right our situations do seem very similar it's so sad isn't it. I hoped he would sort things out by now. That's exactly what I have tried to do regarding relationships she has seen and heard too much from his relationships I have tried to set a good example of a healthy relationship with her step dad luckily things are great at home but ti also think I Nan way that has made her see it's not right or normal to act the way her dad does

OP posts:
Original poster
liv4357 · 19/01/2018 22:14

All he tells her is she needs to be there for his ds and that he is a great dad and she is disrespectful. He is shocked she is behaving this way etc, and how would she feel if he told her he didn't want any contact with her? Which I think is cruel and told him so

OP posts:
jayho · 19/01/2018 22:15

Withdraw, protect your daughter but continue to support contact on her terms and if that is no contact at the moment so be it. All you can do at her age is promote appropriate contact. You need to be able to demonstrate that you have not blocked contact. So as long as your child has been 'available ' at the prescribed times you're ok. It is her choice as to
Whether she undertakes contact and if he takes it to court cafcass will be asked to asses whether her objections are valid.
Its complicated but at 12 it is largely not your call. Try not to stress. How she feels counts and it sounds like there's other stuff going on in the background related to his other child that is affecting his decision making ie he needs to demonstrate a good relationship with your child to secure access to his other child

jayho · 19/01/2018 22:22

Cross posted, he's using your dd to validate contact with his other child. Contact cafcass, dob of your child, address and you ni number are enough to secure access to the case. They will be able to support you. Call their contact centre his case will be registered to his address if it is a different county to you

Original poster
liv4357 · 19/01/2018 22:23

He has said he will not allow our dd to affect his relationship with his ds so I think he is more worried about that situation as he has only just started to sort that out and has always made out he is a great dad and there are no issues with our dd to cafcass. And now things have happened and dd has had enough he's worried it will affect that. I always make sure she is available and do act as middle man when they do talk but he is making her feel bad about her step brother and asking dd what he should tell his ds about her not being there. She told him to tell the truth that she doesn't want to see her dad but that didn't go down well at all, and he told her she's selfish and over reacting the whole situation.
I wish I could add the messages he has sent so you can get a clearer picture but I don't want to put myself even more then I have already

OP posts:
jayho · 19/01/2018 22:29

Just because dd doesn't want to see dad would not affect his ability to see his other child in normal course of events. The fact he sees ds at a contact centre suggests to me that there are significant issues with their relationship or that with his ex partner that are raising red flags with cafcass but those are his problems and not yours

educatingarti · 19/01/2018 22:29

I would suggest your DD writes down her own thoughts and feelings about seeing her dad; her reasons for not wanting to see him,; things he's said and done that have really upset her etc. Don't have any input into this yourself. Let it be her own thoughts and words. Then she can use this to help explain things to a cafcass person if it comes to that.

Original poster
liv4357 · 19/01/2018 22:37

Thank you for your help, I will contact them Monday. I'm so worried about what will happen with our dd he makes her so upset. I will get her to write everything down I have no input she's very determined this is what she wants and will have a lot to write down sadly. I honestly can't thank you all enough I have been so worried about this but needed unbiased advice as I am keeping my own feelings out of it but sticking up for dd while trying to keep the peace. He says cafcass are involved as he says his ex has mental heath problems and due to her stopping contact etc but I know what she went through as he did it all to me Iv been there sadly but it's all her word against his. Dd see a lot of emotional abuse during their relationship too as she was older then their ds. It's all such a mess

OP posts:
jayho · 19/01/2018 22:42

Im a bit concerned about your dad writing stuff down as it pulls her in to the conflict. Can't think of sensible alternative, maybe you get notebook and suggest she notes how she feels as circs arise?

jayho · 19/01/2018 22:43

Cafcass are there for you and primarily your daughter , contact them x

Original poster
liv4357 · 19/01/2018 22:50

I see what you mean there, i am trying to take the brunt of it and have said he needs to not over react and listen to her but he will still continue to tell her she's a brat and he won't have it. so I can get her to do that instead. If it comes to it I just would like her to be as prepared as possible because he will not make this easy he can't not have control. I will call them Monday Thank you so much for the advice

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/01/2018 22:52

Do everything to support your DD, is it worth contacting her half brother's Mum to see if she can maintain contact with him sidestepping her father?

jayho · 19/01/2018 22:59

I can see randoms logic but it relies on ss mum being rational. I'd advise not getting sucked in, deal with what is in your sphere of influence ie look after your dd

Original poster
liv4357 · 19/01/2018 23:00

Yea that is an option with his ex and her step brother, we have previously talked about the same thing but backed out due to his reaction if one of the kids were to slip up while in his company She also wants a relationship with her aunt and uncle who he has banned from seeing dd (for no reason other than control) It's a lot to think about and maybe cafcass could help with that because if it was done behind his back and he found out I'm actually worried about his reaction. It's so silly after 12 years but I will protect dd as much as possible she is what matters now. He wouldn't physically hurt her but emotionally he would try his best unfortunately

OP posts:
jayho · 19/01/2018 23:03

Oh so similar to my situation. My boys want to see their wider paternal family but he gatekeeps so they can't

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