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Original poster

Ex wife stopping me taking kids to my country on holiday

76 replies

Tamoshanter · 17/01/2018 21:34

Hi guys
I would be grateful for advice on how to proceed. My ex wife and I were married and had our divorce wasn't messy and I basically just signed the form saying I agreed to the divorce and the kids would live with her. I am on the birth certificate of our kids and I get them every Friday night. Now the kids are old enough I feel they are ready for me to take them to South Africa to meet my family and ex wife is refusing and says I can't and she thinks if we go to court I am sure to lose. I have always paid my share towards their upkeep.

Legally speaking what can I do and is it possible to get legal aid for this sort of thing and realistically what are my chances in court. The kids are dying to go but she fills their heads with idea that only she has power to decide. Surely this can't be right. She says her worry is I wouldn't bring them back and that's utter nonsense

Please help. Thanks in advance

OP posts:
Justanotherzombie · 17/01/2018 21:38

You need to speak to a solicitor. I'd be seriously surprised if you could get legal aid for this though.

It's a very difficult issue. Ideally you would both be happy and supportive of travel with the kids, especially to meet family. But ideally there wouldn't be so many parental kidnapping cases. If you are not on good terms, maybe she really is worried about this? It's not that uncommon.

LineysRuff · 17/01/2018 21:39

Why would she be worried you won't bring them back?

Original poster
Tamoshanter · 17/01/2018 21:56

When we have spoke about this before she insisted on coming along and that's not possible. I feel and know she knows they will like it so much and will want to ho there regularly and knowing her she will feel threatened and see it as her losing her hold over them. I have assumed her the legal system in south Africa works and no chance of me kidnapping the kids or refusing to return them. All she would need to do is involve the British embassy there and our gvts are on good terms with each other and the SA government would intervene

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GummyGoddess · 17/01/2018 22:05

Why is it not possible for her to go? Would it make her comfortable enough that she would be happy for them to visit in future?

StylishMummy · 17/01/2018 22:08

Why can't she go? I wouldn't ever want to be a long flight away from my children.

RandomMess · 17/01/2018 22:09

Self represent and take her to court? Go through mediation first.

I think you would be permitted on principle, personally I wouldn't be keen on them going to SA but that doesn't seem her concern!

Original poster
Tamoshanter · 17/01/2018 22:09

We aren't on very good terms and it would ruin the holidays to be honest.

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Greensleeves · 17/01/2018 22:09

The idea of you not bringing them back may not be "utter nonsense" to her, though - there are many such cases every year and she is probably terrified. I would be.

I have no idea what your chances in court would be.

GummyGoddess · 17/01/2018 22:11

Would it be worse for her to be there or not to go at all? Maybe the children could stay in a hotel with her and you have them during the day?

Greensleeves · 17/01/2018 22:13

How old are the children? And have you ever had them for a long period without her? You say you have them every Friday night. If it is going to go to court, they will want to know that you are used to being the sole parent for longer than a couple of nights at a time.

Original poster
Tamoshanter · 17/01/2018 22:17

Previously when she offered to go with us there was hope of a reconciliation and now that it is no longer possible, as she now has a boyfriend herself so that option is now out. she just makes it impossible for me. I wasn't 't allowed to have kids meet my girlfriend when I had one for some time. She says she makes all decisions regarding the kids surely that can't be right

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AdalindSchade · 17/01/2018 22:18

You need to apply to court for a specific issue order for the holiday. You won't get legal aid but unless there is a back story you haven't shared you are very likely to have it agreed, assuming you're not planning to take them to a really dangerous area?

CharizMa · 17/01/2018 22:20

Will you bring them back?
Do you have enough going for you in your life here to alleviate the HUGE concern that she'd have that you might not bring them back?

Quite apart from that worry, when my son was with his Dad for just one week, his dad didn't know this but he was sending me messages on viber saying ''mummy I haven't seen you for ages'' and pictures of a little boy crying. How long would you have the kids in south africa? three weeks feels like a life time to a ten year old boy and two life times to a five year old.

Original poster
Tamoshanter · 17/01/2018 22:34

@ AdalindSchade yes there is a back story and if anything it favours me. After we divorced she went on to have two other kids with different blokes and one of the blokes was wanted in europe for exposing himself to a kid. UK social services got involved and actually came to speak to her and warned her if they found out she was still allowing him into the house they would look into her having the kids. Quote how they got involved to this day I don't know. The guy moved away to another part of the coumtry as police wanted him for the suspicion he had a case to answer in Europe. This is all documented. When she was having the second child in hospital that's when I had to look after her other son as a favour and these are all things that can be proven in court. The other nloke assaulted her and was found guilty and so she is no longer with either of them and in both cases I supported her through the ordeal

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Original poster
Tamoshanter · 17/01/2018 22:36

@ CharizMa yes I woiukd bring them back and I have things going for me heresy a job and a post head programme I am on and I would abandon my studies after having put in so much work already

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SingingSeuss · 17/01/2018 22:40

Have you asked her why? Maybe she's worried she'll never see them again, or ( more likely) she may have genuine security concerns, it's not the safest place on earth. Maybe talk to her and reassure her before going down the legal route.

Original poster
Tamoshanter · 17/01/2018 22:41

@ Greensleeves I have had the kids for a month I stayed in her house(our former home) while was in hospital having her second child and during that time I also looked after her first son to the other guy. These are all things I can prove in a court of law and have texts and emails between us during these periods. And the children are teenagers and they really want to go to south africa. One of my sons has a classmate whom grew up in south Africa and tells him all about south Africa. He moved here because his jdad took a job in the UK

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MrsBertBibby · 17/01/2018 22:41

You need to take it to court. Chances are you'll succeed. Are you in England/Wales?

Greensleeves · 17/01/2018 22:42

Do I smell? You seem to have ignored my questions Confused

Greensleeves · 17/01/2018 22:43

Ah sorry I posted too soon!

If the kids are teenagers, you've had sole care of them for longer periods before and they want to go, I would expect you to have no problems getting permission to take them. I'm no expert, but it seems likely to me.

Original poster
Tamoshanter · 17/01/2018 22:45

SingingSeuss I know why. She knows after they have been they will have that connection to the place and she might "lose them" not through me kidnapping them but emotionally as they will want to go back again and again. I genuinely feel its all to do with her being scared it might mean they eventually come and live with me. I once joined this forum ages ago and asked what happens when a child wants to live with the other parent. My kids have at various times openly told her they want to live with me or have shared custody but she won't have it. Problem is I can't remember my old username so I can provide the thread to snow this has been a long going thing I have had to put up with and now I have had enough

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Original poster
Tamoshanter · 17/01/2018 22:46

MrsBert I am in Scotland

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43percentburnt · 17/01/2018 22:46

So she left the man when the police told her he was wanted for a crime.

She left her abusive boyfriend and he was prosecuted.

You looked after your child’s step sibling whilst their mother was in hospital having a baby and you see that as a favour. I’d look after a strangers child if she went into labour and had no-one to care for them, I’d drop everything to do it for a friend.

Your latest post suggests you feel having 2 further children from 2 failed relationships shows she is an unfit mother. That may be why she does not want you to take them abroad.

43percentburnt · 17/01/2018 22:49

Daft question but why not go to mediation and try and rebuild a friendship with her? You are going to be in each other’s lives going forward.

Original poster
Tamoshanter · 17/01/2018 22:52

@ 43% she didn't leave the bloke wanted by police. He took off as he had another girlfriend she knew about. However they were together just last year in town she claims they met by chance. Surely you would think a woman knowing someone was wanted on suspiscion of sexually abusing a kid would call the police and say the guy is here but no she never reported it

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