Ex's partner wants PR

[MycatsaPirate]

My DP has had very little contact with his DD over the last two years. All was fine prior to his ex moving in with her new partner (an hour away from us but used to live round the corner) but contact dwindled to nothing with endless excuses about DD being busy with other things and never being in when he called the house. She is now 14.

His ex died earlier this year. Prior to the funeral dp spoke to the partner of his ex and said they needed to get together to discuss DD's future. Dp tried to call twice but both times the partner put the phone down on him. Dp then got a letter inviting him to mediation with the partner.

Partner had one meeting with mediator and DP has had one meeting. This was not a joint mediation session. The mediator has asked if dp would give the partner PR for DD. Dp has said no. He has made it clear that he is not wholly against DD remaining where she is as she is in important school years but he is still her dad and still wants to be part of her life. He just wants regular contact, either in person or by phone with his DD and wants the partner to communicate with him about DD and what is going on in her life.

If the partner went to court to get PR would he likely get it? DP is just fuming because the partner won't talk to him about DD at all. He is an unrelated male living with a 14 year old girl and seems to think he can just shut her dad out completely. Dp was very open to letting DD stay where she is but now he feels like he can't trust the partner to actually stay in touch and keep to any agreements made.

A joint mediation session was meant to happen this week. The partner can't make either date offered (and cancelled at the last minute). Dp is going in for surgery this week and won't be able to drive for four weeks and must rest for the first two so everything is just dragging on.

Words of wisdom or just words of comfort needed.

No it's not. It's acknowledging that the step father IS part of the family which given previous levels of animosity is thoughtful and kind and recognises the loss that both step father and daughter have had.

The photos in the snow globe will be of the DD, her mum and her mums bf (stepdad)

And a picture of DD and her mum for hers

And ex and her boyfriend in his.

We asked for photos from mutual friends and they have all said this is lovely and I think it's actually a great way to move forward. No photos of her dad (my dp) or me and my kids.

My DD1 is at uni and speaks to DSD on snapchat (or similar) regularly. My DD is home tomorrow night for 48 hours (for hospital appointments) and will be bringing home presents for DSD. She asked DSD if she would like to see us on boxing day, with her stepdad.

We also invited both DSD and her stepdad here for Xmas day. We have dp's sister and bil here that day too but stepdad says not this year as things are very raw for them both and that's perfectly understandable. We just wanted them to know they are welcome in our home.

Things were really difficult when ex was alive, she made things awkward and hard to deal with. Stepdad is being much more accommodating and is willing to work with dp to build better relationships all round. I just wish his ex had done this three years ago.

Sounds really positive. Maybe your DP could consider writing a letter to his daughter for Christmas? It would be a chance to tell her how much he regrets not seeing her over recent years (apportioning no blame just expressing sadness), will always love her and wants to be part of her life on her terms.

Well up to you and obviously I'm the only dissenting voice.

I just think that it's not your place to create some form of tangible monument to loss for the partner or the dd.

That's because of my own experiences of family and losses and step/ex partners. Plus it's not like you've all got on and been great friends.

However good if you think it will be a positive gift.

It's not meant to be some sort of monument, it's meant to be something that shows his DD that he knows she is missing her mum. That's all.

And a letter sounds lovely. I will mention to DP when he gets home tonight.

When did his ex find out she had cancer?
Could this be the reason she disengaged, because she only had a short time or was scared of only having a short time left and understandably wanted to spend as much as possible with DD?

As you’ve said ex didn’t know why, he didn’t know what was going on for sure... their life has been utter dog shit.

I think this snow globe is a good idea, but I’d encourage you to take it slowly. When emotions are raw, this time of year I would expect things not to go swimmingly

I’d also like to point out that this “child” is 14, she’s old enough to be making up her own mind.
She should be encouraged/invited to mediation (like she has been) and if that is not positive- she should be voicing her own opinion to Cafcass and a judge.
My children were half her age when a judge listened to their pleas

This sounds like a very tricky situation.

DD needs to know her dad is there for her, is sad that her Mum dies, show his respect to the mother and take things slowly. Don't hand over PR to this male but as you said, if she wants to live there, then let her but let her know that your doors are always open and your house is her house too. She can turn up at any moment and you'll welcome her.

Write a very detailed letter explaining all of this and how much her Dad loves her included, give it to the school to pass on to her. Don't stop trying, don't make it a battle, just make it a goal from now on to prove how much her Dad devotedly loves her, respects her mother, respects her step father, respects the situation, would love her to live with you, would be happy to financially/emotionally support her etc. This is now your DP's and your turn to step up to the plate whole heartedly given this opportunity as a result of very sad circumstances.

Judges listen to children but don’t necessarily agree with them. It’s good there has been positive progress though.

AllIwant The ex and DD moved away in July 2014, just a few months after the divorce was finalised. She was diagnosed a few months after that. Very tearful phone to DP which then escalated into a list of his failings and shortcomings. She was screaming down the phone at him but to give DP his due, he listened, didn't argue back and put it down to her emotional state. He only spoke to her on the phone twice after that I think, she just wouldn't answer the phone or respond to text messages or emails.

The last phone call was last Christmas day when dp phoned to speak to his DD and his ex said she wasn't there. Then she told him that had been encouraging DD to not see DP as she didn't feel DP had been supportive enough over her cancer diagnosis. We didn't find out his ex was terminal until 3 days before she died. We had no idea what treatment she was having, what was going on because no one communicated with dp at all. She also said she would try and encourage DD to speak to him.

So it's been difficult for DP, it's hard to know what to do when you have no information on what's going on. He spoke to the stepdad last night and said he would ring on Xmas day but whether the phone will be answered or DD will speak to him we don't know.