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Original poster

Children lying to Cafcass

82 replies

Blacklight80 · 09/09/2017 07:30

We have just received the section 7 report prior to the next hearing. The children have been lying to the person interviewing them.

Without going into detail, one example is them saying they never get to do anything when they are within their DD, resulting in Cafcass making recommendations such as "do activities with DC". This is in no way true, but DC obviously feel the need to present a negative view of their DD.

This in only one example of many.

So, my question is, how to best address this with the court?

OP posts:
Notreallyarsed · 09/09/2017 10:35

And the concept of "well drilled" kids leaves me cold. DS1 goes to his so called dad's every weekend, he has never and will never hear me or DP or anyone else saying negative things about his dad or SM (I actually really like her, I can trust that DS is well cared for when she's there). My friend called XH a dick (which is true) in front of DS1 a few months ago and I told her to pack it in.

Original poster
Blacklight80 · 09/09/2017 10:39

It's a really tricky situation where the mother has, since the separation, spoken freely about the situation (including finances) in front of and with the children. I feel really really sorry for them to have had to be involved in all of this.

I guess the overall feeling is hopelessness that not even Cafcass could cut through this and call her on the bullshit (pardon my French).

The poor kids are just left to stew in her bitterness, and now they're going to spend less time with their dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blacklight80 · 09/09/2017 10:40

@AdalindSchade yes self representing as we can't afford legal representation. Mother has got both solicitor and barrister.

OP posts:
Notreallyarsed · 09/09/2017 10:42

I think there should be some kind of law in place to stop parents (male or female) from dragging their kids into a divorce/finances/stress. Why can't the parental relationship be different to the marital one?

Original poster
Blacklight80 · 09/09/2017 10:54

@notreallyarsed totally agree! Also, there should be some sort of trigger for divorces where the parties have children that the parents get sent on a course or something so the kids don't get caught in the middle like this.

Then again, I guess you can still ignore all the advice you're given and keep on involving the kids...

OP posts:
Notreallyarsed · 09/09/2017 10:56

For years I've bitten my tongue when it comes to XH with DS1 (he is a shit dad as well as being an awful husband). I've never ever been negative about him, always made a point of telling DS1 I hope he has fun with his dad and SM, made sure he knows that it's ok to express that he misses him/enjoys his time with him (even though he's shoved in a room with an Xbox every time) and that he can say whatever he wants to me, it's my job to listen.

Original poster
Blacklight80 · 09/09/2017 11:01

I wish these children's mother could be as wise as you and actually put their interests before her own! She's just hell bent on making them hate their dad (and miss slutty ofc)

OP posts:
Original poster
Blacklight80 · 09/09/2017 11:02

I must say I'm surprised that Cafcass didn't come down harder her. She's also had the kids go snooping in their dad's things and used this av evidence in financial proceedings which also made it into the report.

OP posts:
Notreallyarsed · 09/09/2017 11:57

I wish I was wise! I just love my child more than I hate his dad. In fact I don't hate his dad, I don't feel anything towards him. Does she want him back?

RedHelenB · 09/09/2017 12:20

I slightly disagree. Children do need to know to a degree how the divorce is going to affect them including financially. Also no one is a saint so they need to know that too.Doesnt mean slagging the other parent off all the time.
Carcass usually don't want to limit time with non resident parents though. How old are the children?

mypoornips · 09/09/2017 12:37

How much contact does he have, a lot? What has it been reduced too?

mypoornips · 09/09/2017 12:39

An how old are children? Very young, or old e Pugh to understand a bit more?

Original poster
Blacklight80 · 09/09/2017 21:52

@notreallyarsed not sure if she wants him back but she sure does want to punish him for leaving her. She was not working when they were married and has had to get a job now (which is all his fault ofc)

OP posts:
Original poster
Blacklight80 · 09/09/2017 21:54

@RedHelenB how do you mean? What do the children need to know about the divorce?

Imo the only thing they need to know is that their parents are not going to live together, if they need to move house and schools etc and other things that affect them directly as children.

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Original poster
Blacklight80 · 09/09/2017 22:06

@mypoornips not a lot I would say. I know a few dads who have less so maybe shouldn't complain. Atm he has every other weekend, one week during summer, Easter and New Years.

The recommendations by Cafcass in the section 7 report is to reduce the weekend time, pick up Friday night should change to Saturday morning. The weeks during summer, Easter and New Years should be reduced to 5 nights.

Tbh I don't really see the point of these fiddly changes? Anyone else who does?

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Original poster
Blacklight80 · 09/09/2017 22:07

The children are aged 7, 12 & 14.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 09/09/2017 22:18

Well why shouldn't they know why their parents divorced and if nrp isn't paying maintenance which has an impact on their lives?

Original poster
Blacklight80 · 09/09/2017 22:21

Well, in your example with the maintenance; as it would only serve to push the children further away from the nrp? Why do you think it's necessary for children to know that level of detail?

OP posts:
Original poster
Blacklight80 · 09/09/2017 22:22

I'm not trying to be sarcastic, I'm honestly curious about your views. In what way do you think this kind of information would be beneficial for a child?

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RedHelenB · 09/09/2017 22:22

At 12 and 14 I think they would be old enough.children do need to learn about the real world.

Starlight2345 · 09/09/2017 22:23

I am sure when I got the section 7 report I could despute it.. The thing is here the 12 and 14 year olds views will be taken into consideration so I think your partner does need to have a chat with the kids about what they want.

I also think with the older ones..The 7 year old is too young, ask them why they feel the way they do about access because they don't sound like they are doing nothing but there may be other issues going on.

Original poster
Blacklight80 · 09/09/2017 22:24

I agree that children need to learn about the value of money etc but I don't agree about that they need to know about the ins and outs of their parents finances.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 09/09/2017 22:30

I posted up thread suggesting that you try being a calm and mediating presence in this difficult situation. You dismissed that. But your posts are so antagonistic towards this woman. She may be this awful, manipulative, bitter and lazy sponger that you portray but likely it's more nuanced. I doubt she's perfect - which of us could claim that. But your attitude towards her seems so nasty and entirely lacking in any sort of empathy or balance.

Please, for the sake of the children, could you not try and find a way forward where the adults around them aren't all at this heightened state of enmity and anger?

Their mum and dad are locked into their battle. You could help them all so much by not sharpening the weapons and agitating for escalation but by persuading at least one of the combatants to consider peace talks.

Original poster
Blacklight80 · 09/09/2017 22:38

@HeddaGarbled you did read that the children's mother refers to me as Miss Slutty? That's what she and the children use instead of my name. Excuse me if I don't feel a great deal of friendliness towards her.

Me and my partner have tried to approach her numerous times to ask if her and her partner wants to sit down and discuss the situation. She has always refused these suggestions. My partner has also invited her to mediation on several times, which she declines as "she doesn't see any need". In the meantime the children get caught in the middle.

So, the reason I dismissed your earlier post is because we have tried at length to reach a solution where the children can be protected from a his situation without result.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 10/09/2017 07:23

Children do make up their own minds. I kniw children whos mums hsve said one thing about visits to Dads and another view entirely to me. Obviously you're hurt being called Miss Slutty but seriously I would take a big step back and let your partner handle this. If he loves them and had them as his number one priority they will know this.