Breaching of court order

[Extremophile]

Hi everyone, Long time lurker first time poster.

I'm a bit stuck and have no idea what to do next. My story is a long one, but I will shorten it as best I can - any ideas on what to do are much appreciated.

8 years ago, after a very difficult and troubled relationship the father and I broke up. The break up was very bitter due to infidelity on my part, I was desperate for comfort after years of controlling and coercive behaviour. Ultimately I had a few problems when I left, around trust and confidence, so I wanted to get myself together before resuming contact with my child - who was 3 at the time.

There was a lot of hostility and bitterness on his part and maybe I didn't handle the situation as best I could. Having to start my life all over again, and still very fragile I was easily intimidated by him and his family. My work schedule was only released 1 week in advance and desperate for cash I couldn't change my shifts as I wouldn't have been able to support myself financially (or pay CSA), so occasionally I had to cancel or rearrange the visitation we'd agreed would be fortnightly. Eventually these broke down completely with wild accusations being thrown around on his part, it made visiting my child in a healthy environment and mindframe entirely impossible, so out of concern for my child and I withdrew from visitation until the situation calmed down.

I always tried stayed in contact with the Father and I sent presents and cards etc, but the intimidation and insults kept flying, so eventually contact with the Father became more sporadic. I wasn't being given any information about my child apart from 'they're ok' etc.

When my child turned 8 I started to get very frustrated and thought enough time had passed, maybe we could put everything behind us and work together for our child to know both parents - by this time the father has started a family with his new partner, so my child has half siblings, and has more than likely forgotten about me. I tried to be very civil with him, offering solutions to problems, trying to get more information about my child... nothing. More insults, more accusations, more intimidation. This went on for another 2 years.

I tried to attempt mediation with the father, but no he didn't want to do it. I had no choice left but to take him to court to get access. In the FHDRA he agreed that the child would meet me and it would be at a contact centre... great I thought. It never happened because they all thought the centre 'wasn't the right type of place' (based on my experience of him, to me this read - the father wouldn't be in control). So we went back for a final hearing and thrashed out a new order with the help of CAFCASS - after several attempts of his to muddy the water with things like - why aren't you paying CSA (I don't have an income of any kind - but that's another story). We managed to keep him on subject and he agreed to fortnightly visits in which I would travel a round trip of 600 miles to see our child, they would promote a healthy relationship between me and the child, and we would all listen to what the child wanted. For the initial meeting the step mother was to be present - all went well. Then in the intervening period after a few pleasant phonecalls with her (stepmother) backwards and forwards - things took a turn for the worse, with demands being thrown around that I would meet the step mother before my visitation with my child - I didn't think this was healthy as every other time the discussion always turned in to interrogation - not healthy before your visit with your estranged child.
After a whole week of instults and demands (all unreasonable on their part), the step mother shows up with her sister in law & my child, and in front of my child starts shouting questions at me. I managed to calm the situation down and protect my child from the worst of what was happening, but the two of the hung around hijacking my conversations and ruining the whole visit - at the end, both of them jumped up and infront of my child begin shouting at me, demandign I answer the questions they say the child is asking - questions about things that children just shouldn't know about - demanding answers to things like CSA payments and why my birthday present 'just wasn't good enough' etc. The sister in law started shouting at me and eventually snatched my child away, leaving the step mother hurling abuse at me infront of other people.

I apologised to everyone when they all left and asked the shop manager if they could be a witness for me. But I just don't know what to do now.

Please help

Hi everyone and thanks for the reports. We realise everyone can get a little het up on t'internet from time to time - if you're feeling that way, feel free to take a break from the thread. Otherwise please can we just ask that you post with a little peace and love in mind .

The op is asking for help with a legal issue. All this judgemental crap is completely out of line. A complex family situation cannot be judged on the Internet by complete strangers. Op go back to court. It will perhaps be better to initially see your dd in a contact centre do that all this dreadful behaviour is avoided.

If OP was male not one of you would be defending her. But ok, I'll play ball. OP if they are breaching a court order you need to take it back to court and demand a different way of contact with your child which doesn't result in verbal aggression in front of her.

I'm afraid you're quite wrong, Notreallyarsed. I've advised and acted for loads of men in OP's kind of situation.

It's not about rhe adults. It's about letting the child know his or her parent. Period.

If the OP was male no one would believe his ex wife was preventing access and was abusive/controlling...even though I can think of at least three cases where a father was eventually given custody after it transpired the mother was making false allegations to prevent access.
The OP claims the father was abusive to her and bitter about the split: that does not mean they are abusive to the child nor that the child won't be used or manipulated against the ex (OP). In relationships men can be toxic. They're not all like Dustin Hoffman in Kramer vs Kramer.
So she is being judged on the following counts...

• not taking her child with her
• not paying maintenance
• not living locally

There should not have been discussion of the above on an access visit with child. That might be relevant but it is not appropriate. I say that as a child of divorced and often warring parents. It scars you. I would go back to court and try to get visits in a centre OP.

"Have you thanked your ex and his partner for bringing your daughter up? Paying for everything, doing all the crappy drudge work, covering for you when she asked why she didn't have a Mum? "

This is a very sad thread, but I laughed like a hyena when I read this, presumably posted by a SM. How many men thank (just) their exs or new families for doing the crappy drudge work. None. Unbelievable post.

How many sessions of visitation have you had since the court order? Was it just the one where the stepmum and her sister kicked off?

Things were very messy with my ex when we split, I don't agree with having arguments in front of children due to my own parents' horrid divorce when I was younger so I never engaged with it. Just calmly say you're happy to answer any of their pertinent questions in an email (and if it's relevant questioning then you should, I know it's easy to get defensive but emotions will by high in a situation like this, your child's stepmum will naturally be feeling very protective, and, ultimately, whether she's handling that the right way or not, you should appreciate someone looking out for your child so much).

The only way to deal with a breach of the court order is to go back to court. Bear in mind though that this can become an endless cycle. My ex breaks the court order he insisted on all the time, I've learnt just to suck it up because it causes far too much stress to make a big fuss about it. In my personal experience with people I know, court orders are very rarely enforced (for example, my stepbrother has been to court 6 times to get access to his daughter. His ex still breaks the court order).

I do think you need to lift the focus on you and your ex getting along. That may never happen and probably certainly won't for a long night time with what has happened. The main goal is just to be civil. Would it be worth emailing him and the stepmum saying something like "I know we have a long and difficult history and I don't expect us to all be friends but we obviously need to find a way forward from this for the sake of x. I think we should limit our discussions to things that directly concern x and conduct those conversations by email/text rather than in person so things don't get heated at visitation times. What do you need from me going forwards?"

This is how me and DS's father operated for a long time. Having the conversations we needed to have by email/text meant if something annoyed us we had time to calm down before we replied and things didn't escalate.

You said that they're asking you things your child would never have asked. This may or may not be true (though bear in mind children of that age are far more perceptive than you might think and there's every chance they're asking all sorts and just don't want to admit that to you as they don't know you yet). Consider whether there's any harm in answering the questions regardless of whether they've come from them or the child. Obviously if they're overly personal and crossing the line then it's fair enough saying no but if it is (as PPs have mentioned) things along the lines of "why can you afford to travel 600 miles every fortnight but can't contribute financially?" is there any harm in saying "I'm not working for x reason presently and the little money I have I am scraping together to use to travel for visitation so I can prove to x I am committed to seeing them. Obviously, as soon as I am financially able, I will resume the CSA payments."

You need to try and detach from responding emotionally/defensively to the stepmum and ex otherwise it will just keep escalating into arguments.

If they do shout at visitation don't say things like "can you not shout in front of x because it's not a good environment for them" because, in all honesty, if I was the stepmum I would see red if you said that to me given the history. No matter how hard you've tried and the reasons why it's taken so long, all she will be thinking is that she has been there when you have not and to her it will be taking the mick a bit that you think you care more about the child's interests than her.

This isn't about point scoring or who cares more, like you've said yourself, it's about what's best for your child and the best way to move forward is to stay calm.

Also, as an aside, even though you're right, you cannot control what your ex and your child's stepmum are saying about you at home, court order or not. However, if it puts your mind at rest, my parents always slagged each other off to all 3 of us and it went in one ear and out the other. We understood they didn't like each other and that was separate to them being our parents. So just let that go, you can't do anything about it.

Sorry it's so long, just wanted to give an alternative to the court route. Good luck and I hope you manage to establish a relationship with your child.

Well said MrsBertBibby. There are always going to be strong feelings towards any parent who leaves their child but this is not 'relationships' or 'aibu' where people ask for opinions and advice on their personal behaviour and situations . This is 'legal' The clue is in the title to all the pitchfork wavers. If you aren't actually a family lawyer or someone with family law experience you genuinely have no advice that will benefit the OP.
She asked for legal advice about enforcing a CAO. Not advice on wether or not she should see/be allowed to see her child. That part has already been decided by the court with the help of CAFCASS and it appears that the child WANTS contact. Ultimately that is all that matters.