Outed an affair.. is this illegal?

[CrocsAreJustPlainUgly]

Sent a letter to the husbands wife telling her he was having an affair. the wife went round to OW house (I did NOT tell her where she lives) OW is now saying she's seeking legal advice and filed police reports.

From what I've been told the wife was rather pissed and went round there screaming and such!

Is this illegal? If so what can happen?

Op, legally, don't worry, your mother/the ow can't sue you for libel if you can prove what you said was true (correct me if I'm wrong legal types, but I believe she'd need a copy of that letter as well, good luck to her getting the wife to hand it over!!) She can't say you are harassing her if you wrote a letter to someone else.

So on that front, relax. Let her waste her money on a solicitor, they'll tell her the same thing for a big bill.

As for what you did, if the op came on here and said "my mum had an affair and that broke up my patents marriage. I've found out she's now having a relationship with another married man, they are both quite open about it so lots of people know, but the mm's dw doesn't know. I was thinking of writing her a letter telling her because someone should tell her, it's unfair she's the only one who doesn't know. I'm going to tell my mum I'll do this so the mm has chance to come clean himself, do you think that's the best option?"

Then the op would get 10 pages of "I'd like to know" and "being in an open relationship is fine, but only if all members have consented to it, unfair if the wife is the only one who doesn't know". Then "well you have them a chance to tell, you should tell the wife".

Personally, I think a call would have been better than a letter, but that's done now. Disengage.

Solidgoldbrass, I know you are sensitive to this as anyone who choses something different to the norm of monogamy can be treated like shit generally, but this isn't a case of people choosing alternative relationship models, the "wronged wife" wasn't given a choice, she was led to believe the relationship she was in was monogamous, she didn't get to see other people, yet her 'D'H gave himself the right to sleep with others while expecting her to stick to "the rules". If they did have an open relationship that the op didn't know about, the wronged wife wouldn't have turned up screaming the odds at the ow.

Picking other relationship models is fine, lying that you'll be monogamous so that you can control someone else's sexual relationships and/or so you can be with someone who only wants monogamy while not doing the same yourself, is shitty behaviour.

WHat is irritating me about this is the way some people are so hung up on breaches of monogamy that they are ignoring the sheer malice, self-obsession and vengefulness involved in sending anonymous letters to someone you don't know, in order to punish someone else.

I don't understand why so many people would say that they would wish someone would tell them about such shenanigans going on behind their back, and yet when someone does pipe up, this person is being vile, vigilante etc. Regardless of the OP's experience, motivations, method of delivery, she did something about 2 selfish people wrecking lives, lying and cheating. What about their responsibilities? If the wife has broken the law, she has more than enough context to be treated leniently. The method might not have been the most considered but the OP did something about it.

SGB I think it is quite clear to anyone actually reading the thread that there is a whole backstory here that although may not excuse the malice, at least explains it.

Sgb, no, sorry, but once a couple having an affair have told others and been open about it, while expecting it to be kept from the spouse, they are making the others who know take sides. Doing nothing isn't "not getting involved", the op was involved once her mum and mm told her about their affair, there's no neutral position then, you either help them keep it from wronged wife or you don't. Doing nothing is helping them.

The op gave them a chance to tell the wronged wife in their own way. Once you've decided to tell, then there are only so many ways to do it, and only so many that avoid "shooting the messenger", a letter is no more spiteful than any other way to tell the wronged wife.

You seem to be arguing that hating the ow means it's wrong to tell. The op isn't the one who's hurt the wronged wife. Her husband did that by breaking the rules of their relationship, you might not think that is the best relationship type to be in, but that doesn't change the fact he agreed to it while it suited him and didn't give her the option of walking away once he wanted to change it.

I think the OP could do with getting away from all this ridiculous childish drama. What her mother does is nothing to do with her. Her betrayal is to her husband.

I agree entirely with SGB

Funny how EVERYONE in Relationships wants to be told, but outside Relationships people still shoot the messenger.

OP they were both assuming you would keep quiet as that is what people do. You will cop it for going against the norm.

Fox- they aren't competing situations, if DH was having an affair, I'd want to know. That doesn't mean I wouldn't be angry and hurt at the point I was told and might therefore lash out (verbally) at the person who told me, but that angry reaction at the point I being told doesn't mean that long term I'd rather know than continued to be lied to and cheated.

I have always taken the view that once you have been told about an affair you no neutral position, you are part of the "conspiracy" to fool the wronged party or you tell them.

Mary. We are in agreement.